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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to not want to apologise anymore (sex)

140 replies

ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 13:46

My dh and I went through a really difficult phase in our relationship a couple of years ago. He struggled having sex but that turned to him pressuring and guilting me into doing things I did not like it was an upsetting time - I accused him of being abusive.

He is better now. We have talked about it and he doesn't do that now. But I can't enjoy sex, I just can't. He also has gone too far the other way he always wants sex but I have to constantly tell him it's ok and apologise for him being upset for the accusations I made which I find really uncomfortable.

Apart from this one little issue we have a really good relationship. So aibu to be so uncomfortable with sex? He tries really hard but I just can't enjoy it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 14:27

Well kind of museum- it's more he does something then asks me if it's ok (fine) then he goes into why he's upset and having to ask and I have to apologise for him being upset . So it's not that he's asking if what he's doing is ok it's that I'm constantly having to apologise for accusing him of being abusive.
If that makes sense!

It's hard to describe Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 14:28

Owles I really do want to have sex so it's not that - I always did. He had issues and for whatever reason only a couple of things would work for him so he pressured me into doing these things constantly. Then I accused him of being abusive - and that led to where we are today.

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Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 14:29

We have been together 16 years I can't believe this is happening after all this time!

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Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2017 14:36

You accused him of being abusive. And he stopped. He's still manipulating you. Because now, he wants you to consider something, which you didn't want to do and the way he acted to you as normal. His behaviour wasn't normal. And it still isn't. Equal partners don't force their oh to perform sexual acts, which they don't want to do.

I don't know what it is. I have read men that wank a lot struggle with getting arousal out of vaginal sex as they like things "tight" (anal sex). Not asking. Just putting it out there. Don't know if it's true. In any case, you haven't done anything wrong.

HeyRoly · 23/02/2017 14:39

Bloody hell, so he's essentially making you beg for forgiveness before you have sex, every time, "just in case" you accuse him of being sexually coercive again? What an arsehole.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2017 14:49

he does something then asks me if it's ok (fine) then he goes into why he's upset and having to ask and I have to apologise for him being upset

That's the biggest piece of PA punishment I've ever heard of! He's not showing concern for your 'consent' in any way. He's punishing you for having to consider your consent in the first place.

Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 14:57

I hadnt really thought about it like that I thought he was really upset about what happened. He does seem upset. I

OP posts:
Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 14:58

Mummy- I don't know why he stopped enjoying sex . It was a couple of months before I got pregnant with my last dc that it started and continued until she was about 6 months old . So it can't have been the pregnancy itself.

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FlyingElbows · 23/02/2017 15:05

Op is "apologise" the right word? If it is then what you're describing is abuse and control.

If what you really mean is "consent" then it's different. He was still abusive previously but if he is now actively looking for expressed verbal consent then that's not the same as him insisting you "apologise" for the way you felt.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/02/2017 15:09

So he is withholding sex from you until you say sorry for hurting his feelings for pointing out that his behaviour was unacceptable every.single. time.

That is horrible and still abusive.

Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 15:13

Flying I'm not sure it's just he says why he's asking and then says it's really difficult for him now since I said that and the I end up saying don't worry I'm sorry etc

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FairyDogMother11 · 23/02/2017 15:21

Does he not consider that it's difficult for you since he DID that? And after all, actions speak louder than words. It's abusive and controlling.

Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 15:24

He says he understands but think I over reacted.

It HAS been hard.

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FairyDogMother11 · 23/02/2017 15:27

He can't just dismiss your feelings like that. What you feel is valid, he doesn't get to tell you how you should feel!

Foxysoxy01 · 23/02/2017 15:30

I'm a little confused, is he actually asking you this stuff while you're having sex? So actually making you say sorry over and over while doing the deed.
In which case I can't imagine anyone would find that particularly enjoyable! Confused

It all seems to be about making you as submissive as possible.

He's making you apologise for his shitty past behaviour, does that seem like an abusive, manipulative, controlling bully to you? because it does to me.

None of what you have written sounds in anyway a healthy, respectful partnership.

SilenceIsBroken · 23/02/2017 15:30

So every time you have sex you have to apologise? Is that right?

That is all kinds of fucked up. And not at all arousing - can't blame you for not enjoying sex with him with those kinds of conditions in place.

Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 15:32

Foxy yes during sex Blush

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Original poster
ohmygoshnoonesaymyname · 23/02/2017 15:34

So if I don't he refuses to continue and then if we don't have sex he just gets it a really bad mood and withdraws totally from everything.

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HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/02/2017 15:35

I'd say it sounds like he is punishing you and he knows exactly what he is doing. I couldn't have a relationship like this.

Hatemylifenow · 23/02/2017 15:36

He's abusive op.

Foxysoxy01 · 23/02/2017 15:37

In which case that is all kinds of fucked up!

Im really sorry if this upsets you and I may have got it wrong, but basically he raped you? Then made you apologise for telling him you felt like you didn't consent and he forced himself on you?

He then told you that you had to do things you didn't like doing or he couldn't have sex with you, and now you have to repeat how sorry you are over and over while having sex or he pulls out and fucks off.

Can you see how wrong that is?

sarebear1983 · 23/02/2017 15:38

I think everyone's sex drives go up and down along the course of relationships, if he went from only wanting sex a certain way or not as much (if only a couple of things were working for him like you said) and then going to wanting it all the time, then it's going to be very confusing for you emotionally and physically, which isn't easy to get your head round.
Not communicating with him that this was making you uncomfortable at the time, until you said you felt he was being abusive, is going to hurt him. He's not a mind reader and the term 'abusive' is a strong term to use in an otherwise happy relationship. He's obviously struggled with it and needs constant reassurance at the moment.
Him needing the constant reassurance alone is going to take the enjoyment and spontaneity out of sex for you, couple that with what he wants and the frequency changing so drastically, I'm not surprised that you're not enjoying sex.
If you can, try and have a conversation before any sex is on the cards and try and both explain how you feel now and how you felt in the past in detail (sex wise) and hopefully, a more explained version of events will take off the shock of the term 'abusive' for him, and he'll understand more where you were coming from to use the term in the first place. Then he won't need such constant reassurance and he'll understand that he needs to be patient with you.
Clearing the air with a good conversation may just be what you need to start to build the trust back up in the bedroom.

Carollocking · 23/02/2017 15:38

Sounds like you deffinately need stop apologising and he needs real with things properly,not a good sexual life to be in for sure

Carollocking · 23/02/2017 15:39

Deal with

JoJoSM2 · 23/02/2017 15:40

This unhealthy situation formed over a long period of time and you're unable to sort it out. I think you should get some couple's therapy.

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