Lending money with conditions

[p5oebe]

Dh has been made redundant (bloody brexit) & frantically searching for another job but its really difficult as his work is very specific. I work but low paid & we have a max mortgage that we can only afford with his salary. I also have two pre schoolers at home.

Dm has very kindly offered to tide us over if it comes to that, they are very well off & adore the grandkids & extremely generous with gifts for them etc

The only thing is she has insisted we stop shopping at Waitrose, Boden & our favourite shops basically she is a reverse snob (?) and doesnt miss an opportunity to tell me what a waste Waitrose is. I am very particular about food & what the kids eat. We dont have a freezer or microwave & i find it so much easier to shop fresh somewhere i trust. I spend approx £150 a week for the four of us.
We hardly drink & rarely buy clothes for dh & I but obviously the kids need new clothes regularly. She's basically said i don't want you to waste my money!

Anyway, Waitrose is so ovah now
Anyone with real snob standards only uses Farmdrop

I shop at Waitrose three times a week.

I pick dd up from there after school and at 5pm they reduce the sushi

I always buy her a 99p sushi reduced from £4 and get myself a free coffee while I am there

It doesn't matter where any of us shop, the point is while your husband is out of work & you're unable to pay your mortgage it would be unbelievably stupid to spend £150 a week in waitrose when you can buy the same products much cheaper elsewhere

Oh op you are getting a hard time aren't you. Have you tried to understand where everyone's snide comments, outrage and troll hunting are coming from?

Yes. They think you are ridiculous. It is because you are so far detached from reality they can't believe you are real. But I believe you.

I think you are absolutely right. How dare your mum put conditions on the money ("her money") she has offered to lend you. She is obviously a reverse snob like you say (the worst, right?) and quite controlling, no?

If thought of a couple of alternative solutions:

Go to a bank for the loan where there are no conditions accept a hefty interest rate.

Just take no loan at all and see if Waitrose and Boden will except doe eyes and proper snobbery instead of cash payment.

Don't listen to these mean mean internet plebs. They shop in... Aldi and... Primark. I just threw up a bit in my mouth writing those words. You are so much better than them and you are right - you should go into debt so as you can afford the best.

Just wanted to hand hold - this is such a hard time for you.

As an aside, my Waitrose is the worse shop for customer service out of all my local supermarkets. The staff are older people and literally chat to each other about their grandkids and lives while they are on the tills and in the aisles. Its a PITA.

I am going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. It's responsible to not buy clothes which are made abroad by children for next to nothing, and to think of the animal's well-being when you buy meat, milk etc. Nothing wrong with that. However, fact is, you won't be able to afford this lifestyle for the time being. You'll need to find different ways of being responsible without spending £150 a week. You can still buy organic in different supermarkets. You can buy veg from the market or a cheaper supermarket and it won't taste any different. You can bulk cook. Buy second hand (better for the environment than buying the good quality stuff new). Most kids clothes have hardly been worn before they grow out of it so will be good as new. You can't afford to be 'icky' about it.

I would do exactly what your PILs are doing. If I was lending my children money and could see where they could save huge amounts I would say so.

Perhaps your PILS shop at cheaper supermarkets which is why they have the money to lend you. Why should they shop at ALDI but you spend their money at Waitrose.

Also I would think you were an idiot.

OP, you need to look around you and get a grip.
You have your own chickens, wholesomely fed on Waitrose's finest chicken food? Cant get fresher than that.
We get a veg box from our local farm every week. He uses shit for fertiliser. Cant get fresher than that.

YABVU and precious and your mum is right. If you cant cut your cloth accordingly, sell the woods, use your OWN money to pay for your ridiculous preferences.

Microwaves cause cancer? What do you think your woodburner causes?

P.s your weekly food budget is what my family of four spend on good quality food in a month. We're all still here. Swathed in cheap clothes, but alive and kicking.

Btw, I go to the supermarket at a certain time of day, when stuff is being sold for next to nothing as it goes 'off' that day. It won't. Fish maybe but you can freeze that (get a freezer!).

I actually think YANBU OP. MIL gives us money but it always comes with conditions. It's controlling, either give the money freely or don't and we'll get a loan

Food is a variable expense. You income has varied (downwards). Your food expense must also vary (downwards).

This is all the more appropriate when you are unable to independently fund your own lifestyle.

Your mother might well have extra money available to share with you precisely because she makes more economical purchases for food, clothing and other items. And yet you think you're entitled to look down on those brands as not being 'trustworthy' or 'good enough' for your family - all the while calling her a snob?

What a particularly vile attitude you have.

Dude, it's fine to spend your money in Waitrose and Boden IF you can afford to. But you can't!

So what's your plan? Carry on with your expensive shopping tastes until your house is repossessed because you can't afford to pay the mortgage?

I don't think it's right that your mum can dictate how you spend the money she 'gives' you.
But then again if she doesn't give you enough to carry on your current spending habits then you have to make the change.
You can't expect your mum (regardless of how well off she is) to replicate your husbands wage until he finds a new job. Ensuring the GC have a roof over their head and food on the table is probably her priority and if she doesn't think you need to spend £600 a month on food then you either need to change her mind or accept what she gives you and shop accordingly.

I sort of feel that if you can't afford to shop at Waitrose then you shouldn't. You have to make cut backs. As a family of four and I make 90% of my meals from scratch, I spend £75 a week shopping at Lidl. that's half your budget for the same amount of people. Would save you 300 a month

If DH gets a job at Waitrose you can get a discount!

If you are prepared to lose you home then keep going on this path OP.

MiddleClassProblem

She's basically said i don't want you to waste my money!

Dear god what a cow your DM is. YANBU OP, if your DM insists on only throwing away her hard-earned money on you if you start prioritising things like your mortgage rather than "high-end" food than you should just tell her to shove it where the sun don't shine.

How dare she ask you to reduce your spending when she's handing you hundreds of pounds every month, interest free and with no mention of repayment.

I love Waitrose, I've got nothing bad to say about it. But as long as you go for veggies sourced in the UK, they've most likely all come from the same field.

You could do a test, go to the butchers and ask about their meat, where it's from, tell them you're looking to cater for a party. Then write down the prices, compare to Waitrose and see if you can save any. Ask the butcher if they know of a good green grocer or farm shop.

Get a few big circular pots, about 2 foot tall & in diameter. In 2 plant salad leaves that keep growing once cut. In another grow herbs you use, but be wary of mint, it's the big bully of herbs. Then get a trough and plant some onions. It'll keep DH busy and the children will be entertained too.

If you spent say £1.50 on a bag of salad leaves, you can save that with a few pots of reproducing leaf lettuce. Plus you have the satisfaction of it being homegrown.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira

Oh op you are getting a hard time aren't you. Have you tried to understand where everyone's snide comments, outrage and troll hunting are coming from?

Yes. They think you are ridiculous. It is because you are so far detached from reality they can't believe you are real. But I believe you.

I think you are absolutely right. How dare your mum put conditions on the money ("her money") she has offered to lend you. She is obviously a reverse snob like you say (the worst, right?) and quite controlling, no?

If thought of a couple of alternative solutions:

Go to a bank for the loan where there are no conditions accept a hefty interest rate.

Just take no loan at all and see if Waitrose and Boden will except doe eyes and proper snobbery instead of cash payment.

Don't listen to these mean mean internet plebs. They shop in... Aldi and... Primark. I just threw up a bit in my mouth writing those words. You are so much better than them and you are right - you should go into debt so as you can afford the best.

Just wanted to hand hold - this is such a hard time for you.
flowers

Well done on a supremely unpleasant post. The OP has made many good points and it sounds as if she has given some serious thought to the sort of life she leads.

•Primark clothes ARE thin and scratchy and the whole place stinks of cheap dye.

•Shopping in Waitrose is a better experience than many of the alternatives.

•Boden children's clothes ARE decent quality.

Why argue with facts?

Honestly for whatever period of time it is I think you just have to suck it up. I prefer free range chicken and good peanut butter etc etc but if I'm skint then yes, ethics and principles come below being fed
If you don't like primark clothes then look at asda, tesco, TK maxx etc

Take the money, and just do as best you can with it. Morrisons is decent meat, bakery etc and get a points card as they add up quick and you get £5 vouchers back
Or look online for specific things like the peanut butter, see if you can get it cheaper if you bulk buy dry goods

Not read whole thread yet but aldi sell organic chicken. And even waitrose sells peanut butter with palm oil.

I honestly cannot see the sense in paying £££ for things like avocado and peaches when you can get exactly the same things in aldi for half the price.

Waitrose is a nice shopping experience but you really do pay for that and in your shoes I'd be stressing about the mortgage.

Cara - not always though. I don't usually like primark stuff but if you hunt there is some decent stuff. I wear the men's t shirts for riding in, and I'm wearing a jumper from the lounge range that's incredibly soft

MiddleClassProblem

If DH gets a job at Waitrose you can get a discount!

Charming. I note a bit of the old pack mentality in action.