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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to encourage DD to move out for university?

77 replies

ChipNDale · 21/02/2017 19:46

DD will be starting university this year (she's 19). She has been given a couple of offers.

One is 2 hours away, so not too far, but definitely far enough to have to live there. The other is a 20 minute drive. She likes them equally, so says that means she wants to go with the closer one as she has a part-time job here and wants to stay at home.

The thing is, I think living away will benefit her. She will learn how to cook, clean properly, etc. and just generally learn to live alone. I don't know, it just seems beneficial.

WIBU to try and encourage her to maybe go for the other one/maybe move to the closer one's campus (live in the student accommodation?)

Thank you

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 21/02/2017 19:48

My dd was all set to move out in theory but didn't want to miss out on 2x dsis so stayed home. She wishes she had if they weren't around at the time!!

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 21/02/2017 19:48

This is a difficult one.

On the one hand, I think it does benefit young adults to move away and live independently.

On the other, living expenses are high, you will have to contribute more, and on the continent, it has been very usual for students to attend their local universities over a longer time period to gain a degree while living at home.

I think it depends on your finances, her personality/level of independence (does she need a shove, or is she pretty independent and has a good social life where she is?) and the universities- is one significantly better in terms of the course/reputation?

ClusterFuckTadpole · 21/02/2017 19:49

Encourage her! Definitely. I left home for uni, and loved it. My sister stayed at home. She's still there at 30!

ittooshallpass · 21/02/2017 19:52

Encourage her to move out. University is so much more than an academic education; it will teach her to live.

She can get a part time job close to her university. It is an important passage of life... encourage her to spread her wings.

measles64 · 21/02/2017 19:53

One son was a twenty minute drive away from his uni. he went into halls, we hardly ever saw him. The other a three hour drive away, he often came home especially in the summer. We insisted the first one lived in, it is part of growing up and away. He now works all over the world.

GummyGoddess · 21/02/2017 19:53

Encourage her to go. My first term was the most useful time of my life. I learnt budgeting, meal prep, shopping and scheduling as well as realising how much I value my own space and that I could rely on myself without someone bailing me out at the slightest sign of trouble.

EasterRobin · 21/02/2017 19:54

Encourage her to leave. Most of what I gained from university was from starting out on an independent life in a safe environment with lots of people in the same situation.

SkaterGrrrrl · 21/02/2017 19:54

Campus life is so much fun. Some of the best years of my life. I forged incredible friendships. If you can afford it encourage her to go.

Original poster

ChipNDale · 21/02/2017 19:54

The closer university is potentially better. As in, she has got an offer for a course that's quite a broad spectrum and then after a year she can pick to specialise. The other one doesn't offer that and she has been given an offer for the one she thinks she will be most interested in for the rest of her life.

She has a good social life. Attends her job and volunteering and attends dance and karate. However, I can't imagine that will be staying for much longer as I'm sure university is very tiring!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/02/2017 19:55

'She will learn how to cook, clean properly, etc. and just generally learn to live alone.'

Why hasn't she learned to cook and clean properly already? My 11-year-old is already doing these fairly well and she's already learning how to budget and handle her own money.

I think you should leave the choice up to her.

My sister stayed at home for uni, too, she bought a house with her husband after their marriage, age 25, and has never lived at home since. She's never lived alone but has managed adulthood well. I moved out age 18 and have made a right cock up of most of my adult life.

Mari50 · 21/02/2017 19:56

I didn't leave home when I went to uni. I can cook, clean properly, budget, do my laundry etc etc. All the friends I had at uni who lived in halls etc had a great time but I don't recall cleaning/cooking or laundry being high on list of priorities, they all got pissed lots, did lots of drugs, shagged around and scraped a pass in their degrees. . . I had great mates at uni, they were a terrible influence but lifelong friends.

frenchfancy · 21/02/2017 19:57

Let her choose. Living away is expensive and stressful. I think staying at home will become more and more common.

PandoraMole · 21/02/2017 19:58

Could she stay at the local one for the first year?

That way she'd get the experience and could either carry it on for subsequent years or if it didn't work out or finance became an issue she would have the option of commuting from home.

expatinscotland · 21/02/2017 19:58

'She has a good social life. Attends her job and volunteering and attends dance and karate. However, I can't imagine that will be staying for much longer as I'm sure university is very tiring!'

It's hardly a job down the pits or a 25km/day tab with kit on. She's 19 not 50.

As the closer uni has the better course and the one she wants more I'd not encourage her to go to the other one. She can also decide to move out with some mates she meets on her course in a year or so.

Original poster

ChipNDale · 21/02/2017 20:04

Yes, she has the option to do that, but doesn't see the logic unfortunately. She's very tight with her money (which I know is good, but sometimes it isn't!!) and sees it as such a waste.

She can cook basic meals and can sort of clean but tbh, she really doesnt do it much here. She's a very tidy person but I do all the cleaning!!

OP posts:

ScrapThatThen · 21/02/2017 20:05

Is she allowed to live in halls at the closer one for the first year? To be honest, years ago I would have said to definitely live in halls, but now the cost is so high, maybe saving some money is a better option.

expatinscotland · 21/02/2017 20:08

'She can cook basic meals and can sort of clean but tbh, she really doesnt do it much here. She's a very tidy person but I do all the cleaning!!'

Then cut it out! Work out some ground rules regarding chores and jobs. It is a waste of money to take on more expense wrg to living costs if it's not necessary, hence, why it's becoming more common for people to live at home and go to uni (as pointed out, it's very common on the Continent for this very reason). And it's not necessarily this big, positive life lesson.

ThePants999 · 21/02/2017 20:08

Never mind cooking and cleaning - she'll miss out on so much socially if she doesn't live in halls for at least the first year.

museumum · 21/02/2017 20:09

How do you think you'll get along with her potentially coming and going at all times? Bringing boys home? Staying out all night?
I'm not sure I'd be very ok with living with a student, even my own.

Lochan · 21/02/2017 20:09

My parents couldn't afford for me to live away from home and the nearest uni was also the best one so I stayed at home.

I could cook, clean and budget before I started uni and when I eventually moved out to start my first job in a different city was far more independent than several friends who spent 5 years away at uni.

Independence is a state of mind not geography.

senua · 21/02/2017 20:12

It's not just the fending for yourself, it's the living outside your bubble. Different parts of the UK are very different and it's fascinating to find that not everybody lives like your town does.

Original poster

ChipNDale · 21/02/2017 20:12

I don't want to live with a student lol, that's why I'm asking if it would be unreasonable to keep encouraging her!! Although she isn't the 'type' to bring boys home and party all night I'm pretty sure that's what some of uni does to you!!

Well, I wouldn't pay for her full accommodation, she would be entitled to a bursary to help for that.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/02/2017 20:13

'Never mind cooking and cleaning - she'll miss out on so much socially if she doesn't live in halls for at least the first year.'

That's not at all true.

Violetcharlotte · 21/02/2017 20:15

Personally I'd let her decide what she wants to do. If she's rather stay at home in the first year, why push her? She may well decide she wants to live out in the second year. I went away to uni at 18 and didn't cope well at all. I loved the social side but didn't eat or sleep properly and ended up getting ill , behind in my work and in debt.

My DS wants to live at home if he goes to uni in 3 years time and I've got no problem with that at all.

Mix98 · 21/02/2017 20:21

Why don't you suggest a half-way solution? She goes to the closer-to-home one so she can keep her job and has people around if she wants them, but she lives in university accommodation so she gets all the benefits of living away.

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