WIBU to encourage DD to move out for university?

[ChipNDale]

DD will be starting university this year (she's 19). She has been given a couple of offers.

One is 2 hours away, so not too far, but definitely far enough to have to live there. The other is a 20 minute drive. She likes them equally, so says that means she wants to go with the closer one as she has a part-time job here and wants to stay at home.

The thing is, I think living away will benefit her. She will learn how to cook, clean properly, etc. and just generally learn to live alone. I don't know, it just seems beneficial.

WIBU to try and encourage her to maybe go for the other one/maybe move to the closer one's campus (live in the student accommodation?)

Thank you

My ds is 19 and starting uni this year he will be about 3 hours away and he is going to staying in halls for the first year.
He is already making spreadsheets on budgeting his money and he is working part time to save as much as he can.
I think I'm going to miss him more than he will me but that's all about growing up and moving out is the first real step.

Ive been encouraging my dd to go away. It makes you so much more independant and makes you a more rounded person, experiencing much more than you would under mum and dads watchful eye.

Part of going to uni is learning to be independent, being self reliant, making choices, managing money, dealing with difficult things etc etc. With the best will in the world you don't do this when you live at home, and have the safety net of family. What is your daughter planning to study? Will it lead to a job near her home or will she need to move away then? Easier to move for first time to uni.

Encourage yr daughter to move away.

It's horses for courses she will make her own choice

I appreciate uni is a freeing life experience especially for anyone who graduated 10 years plus ago - but now students are saddled with unbearable levels of debt that are like shackles which can then act to stop young people from moving to the next stage of their lives - also some people just like to stay at home it's not a crime

I have done the uni experience but I would be very open to my DC not going or staying at home whilst studying as I can see the enormous expense of uni could be more of a burden than a blessing

She sounds sensible to me. Now you pay for uni fees and get no grants, I'd be hoping my DD would be as sensible! She sounds like she's going to uni for the right reasons - her education not to party.
I'm sure she will make friends and stay out with them and eventually live out in later years but I'd be more than happy with her knowing her own mind.
Even if she didn't move out for another 3 years and was 21/22 then it's not like she's ruined her life by saving money. And sounds like she'd be the type to actually get herself a job at the end too.

In this day and age it's sensible to stay at home and save on rent money. Me, my siblings and DH lived at home for uni and we didn't miss out on the "university experience" -- each person has their own experience which is just as valid whether they stay home or not.

I would like my DC to stay at home when the time comes for uni. My mum taught me everything I know about cooking, cleaning and budgeting so there was no need to move out to learn those things. I'd have been really hurt if my Mum had encouraged me to move away from home! I don't feel that I missed out on anything.

My parents "encouraged" me to move out and go to Uni as it was what they both did. The course was no better than one I could have done at my local (Russell Group) Uni, but no, they said moving away would be the best thing ever.

I HATED it and spent the whole of the first year crying. I was in a hall of residence which was more prison than home with rubber sheets on the mattress, lino on the floors and shared showers along the corridor. The girl I was sharing a room with was not pleasant. I was depressed, lost weight and barely coped. My parents said staying was "character building" and didn't understand at all. I ended up moving back home for the rest of the year after Christmas and taking on a lengthy commute as it was the only way I could manage. I only agreed to return for a second year as the Uni accomodation officer knew how fragile I was and let me choose nicer accommodation for the following year.

It was the darkest, saddest and most stressful time of my life and still makes me cry thinking about it 28 years later.

So no, don't "encourage". Lay the options on the table and make it crystal clear that coming home or staying at home is always an option.

I can see one of my DC reaching uni age and wanting to live at home. Fine by me. I'd rather they are in the happiest environment for them, they'll find the studying easier, and if they are clever enough for uni I'm sure they can cook clean and budget whenever needed.

For me uni was just as much about the social life and life experience as the education. I would have missed out if I had stayed at home. I completely loved that period of my life. Everyone is different and does things their own way but I would encourage my child to move out and get stuck into the whole uni experience.

For what's its worth I got a first so it is not all about parrying....it's a balance you have to work out for yourself.

I'm at uni now - its closer to the one I was going to pick originally but still 2 hours away but the course is better.

If I could live at home (paying rent, helping clean, cooking for myself, doing laundry etc) I would have at the uni 20 mins away. I enjoyed living away for the first year but now the stress has got on top of me with working and doing uni work and trying to keep up my social life I have developed depression and I'm on anti-depressants for it.

I wouldn't talk her going out of the better uni - she should be doing all of that stuff at home and already learned how to. I think maybe going to live on campus for just the first year would be great for her! Grades don't matter as much and its a good way to form bonds with people/get the experience - however after that let her come home.

If she's only 20 mins away she might be bringing her washing home! And if you've ever seen a real uni house you'll see the cooking/cleaning skills are nowhere up to par (its grim really). Also I know you're worried about her being a student but at 20 mins away if there is a party it will be on campus and she will end up staying over and I can't imagine driving a guy 20mins to my house for a shag with my parents in the next room!

I finished paying off my loan last year. Mine was small, I lived at home and just had a loan to cover fees. All my friends that stayed in halls with extra loans for that are still paying theirs off and will be for some time.

I'm grateful for my parents allowing me to stay home and not Charging me rent whilst I worked to benefit my future self. Loans take a big chunk of your income when you're older and it's a millstone around your neck.

I do think you're a bit unreasonable for expecting her to move out just because you feel she should/you don't want her at home, and not offer any financial help to do so. Sorry!

She'll probably be staying out and at friends the first year. She may change her mind herself when she gets to year 2.

And yes.. like pp have said.. student houses are grim. I recall worktops and hobs covered in tin foil so at the end of every few weeks all you had to do was lift it up and throw it away rather than clean🤢🤢

If you haven't taught her to cook and clean by now then she'll def not learn that.

Maybe another issue to consider is uni isn't for everyone and it really depends on the person / career they want. It is so different now rthan 15 years ago

Unless she's in London or Scotland, nearly all of her peers will be in halls, and when you are first making friends at uni "people who are nearby" are the easiest people to make friends with.

She'll have to try a lot harder to be included in things, just by not being physically there all the time.

My 18 year old has just gone to uni, she left home 3 weeks ago.

She's living in halls, the place is lovely, her own room with en-suite and a shared living space with the four other girls.

Her uni is 200 miles away, she doesn't start lectures until next week and this week is freshers so the last two-three weeks have been her finding her way around and finding her feet.

She came back, drove the 200 miles herself, for a few days and then went back again at the weekend. She's fine, she's loving her independence and can't wait to start her course.

It depends on the university, but if it's a smaller, campus based university I would really encourage her to stay in halls. My halls were so close knit that I think I would have missed out on a lot socially if I hadn't lived on campus. Ten years on I'm still good friends with the 4 girls I lived with in halls and we had so many adventures together. Whereas my course had over 100 students so there were less opportunities to really bond with people that way.
If it's a city based university with buildings spread over the city I don't think it's as much of an issue as it won't be as close knit and I can imagine there'll be lots of others who still live at home, or aren't far from home.

Think staying at home appeals to the crowd who know "the cost of everything and the value of nothing"

Lots of students love the independence and freedom to start making their own way in the world.

Plenty struggle, especially those who already have mental health issues.

I never forget one boy in our halls crying to his parents when they rang (the phone was in a public place) that he had no friends and hated it. He was already socially struggling. I can't see how this developed his 'independence'.

I don't think you can say in a blanket way it's good for all young people to leave home and live in halls/shared houses. It's good for most, but there are strong reasons why it might not be good for others and I think often parents/children are quite pressured to think that they have to be able to cope alone, whereas this is not always the case.

This doesn't seem to apply here, the OP's daughter sounds like she would be ready to leave but equally mature to stay and make the best of the university time. I just think that living away isn't compulsory, and you don't have to leave home automatically just because you are at university.

Moving out for uni is a right of passage, it would be quite sad if your DD missed out on that.

On the other hand, if she isn't ready, she can always move out at the start of the next year even if she goes to the uni close by.

I imagine once she is there and her peers are mostly living independently etc. it will change her mind. Her lifestyle and hobbies will change too - as they should at that age!

I'd be making sure she's contributing to the household mind, and definitely doing her share of housework. She's an adult now, she doesn't need mummy to do the hoovering!

I wouldn't.
The closer uni is better, she will be able to keep her job and keep living expenses down. Therefore she will leave uni with less debt which is a massive advantage.

She has plenty of time to learn to cook. Nothing stopping you from teaching her how to do it now.

It might be that after a year of living at home, she moves in with friends anyway, but it would still have saved her loads of money in her first year.

Let her make the decision for herself. If she stays, however, you need to lay down some ground rules - she needs to do her share of the chores, prepare meals for herself, perhaps contribute to bills. Also discuss some ground rules for issues such as bringing "guests" home or coming in at 4 am.

A lot of people are saying they made their best friends in halls and it was difficult to get to know people on their course. I think it depends on which course it is and how many contact hours you have. I did a science and we were in the department a lot - I made my best friends in labs and we are still friends 20 years later. I made friends in the first week with people on my corridor but after a few weeks we didn't see much of each other any more and didn't really like each other anyway!

I think things have changed a lot in the 20 years. More students are staying at home because of the financial pressures and socializing has become easier in some respects thanks to Whatsapp and the like. We didn't have mobile phones so we had to make all our arrangements to meet up during the day at uni before we all scattered to our different halls/flatshares.

Even if she decides to stay in the first year, she may decide to move out in the second year. My cousin did this when she was at uni a few years ago and has lived independently since then.

Maybe sit down with her and discuss the pros and cons of both options. Set out what you expect from her if she stays at home and what she can expect from you. Then let her decide.

Meh it's not a right of passage these days. Our lads lived in and it cost us a fortune even with them working part time.

Our dd is living at home for uni. She cooks and cleans and is very independent but it's cheaper.

Int DC all live away at Uni but I know a few kids who live at home and seem to be enjoying university life as much as anyone.

I'd recommend the best course/uni over everything else.

Having said that I think all my kids have enjoyed and benefitted from living away.

I didn't move out. I stayed at home until I was finished uni and was working full-time. I would've hated living on campus. It's not for everyone, and truly, to this day, I can't think of anything worse for me.

I cooked a bit at home (still don't like cooking, though), and cleaned far more than my DM did etc. plus had my part-time job, and a comfortable, quiet place to study. It suited me fine and I certainly wasn't putting my DM out at all.

It's up to your DD. If she doesn't want to live on campus, don't force it. It's not everyone's deal. None of my good friends lived on campus, but some of the people I went to school with couldn't wait to get the full "uni experience", and were so eager to live on campus. Different strokes for different folks. Think of your DD's wishes here, not yours. She's the one who'll be studying, and who'll have to fork out more money if she lives on campus.