WIBU to encourage DD to move out for university?

[ChipNDale]

DD will be starting university this year (she's 19). She has been given a couple of offers.

One is 2 hours away, so not too far, but definitely far enough to have to live there. The other is a 20 minute drive. She likes them equally, so says that means she wants to go with the closer one as she has a part-time job here and wants to stay at home.

The thing is, I think living away will benefit her. She will learn how to cook, clean properly, etc. and just generally learn to live alone. I don't know, it just seems beneficial.

WIBU to try and encourage her to maybe go for the other one/maybe move to the closer one's campus (live in the student accommodation?)

Thank you

I stayed in my home town for uni and carried on living with my parents. I helped with the housework, did my own laundry, cooked etc. I too wanted to keep my part time job whilst studying.

It ended up being really beneficial for me to stay local because the uni had links to local businesses, so I ended up working in a local firm during my third year of uni and then was taken on to train there (solicitor).

I'm now qualified at 23 and have a mortgage, so moving away isn't necessarily the be all and end all for your daughter if she'd rather stay at home!

Ds3 did consider Glasgow university, which is easily commutable by bus from home, but if he had chosen to go there dh and I would still have encouraged him to live in university digs rather than staying at home, because I don't think you can properly enjoy and participate in all of university life if you are having to bear in mind the time of the last bus (orstay sober, if the student has a car).

Plus I do think it is a good way for them to learn the skills of living independently, but with the training wheels on, if you see what I mean.

I went to uni 2 and a half hours by train, 5-6 by car, from home. Best thing I ever did.
I didn't even apply for a uni near home, despite everyone telling me I should have.
Now I'm married with a baby and my uni city is my home now. I made my life here and consider my uni city my home.

Part of the university experience is moving out and meeting the people you wouldn't meet if you stayed at home. Including the people your parents wouldn't want you to meet. In fact, particularly the people your parents wouldn't want you to meet.

Encourage her accordingly.

I would encourage her to move out, honestly it was the making of me. I loved it. I went away as someone who couldn't cook, had never really cleaned etc, and I matured so much and learned so much over the 3 years. The independence is brilliant, I loved being my own boss so to speak - but still in the relative safety of campus with all the security staff to help you. Students on campus benefit lots - a lot easier to make friends and socialise, also easier to do group work/go to last minute tutorials if on campus, and all the facilities campus has to offer.

While some students go off the rails, she won't suddenly abandon all sense of right and wrong you've instilled in her. Ok, I did go on lots of nights out but never got in the state where I couldn't look after myself, my room wasn't the tidiest but neither did I get rats, I didn't get scurvy, I managed to stay on top of my deadlines (mostly, I found time to volunteer in a women's refuge and I didn't do drugs. It's great for teaching about living with other people who aren't so forgiving/easy going as your parents, and responsibility and prolem solving - living with people you don't always like, doing a bin and cleaning rota etc. It's great living with people from different backgrounds to yours, learning how to be a good housemate, how to resolve conflict.

Honestly OP, I'd encourage her a lot. I was terrified of going (bit of a mammy's girl and mollycodled) and did ring home crying within the first 3 days (most of us did) but I decided to give it another week and a proper go first, and I'm so glad I stuck it out. Uni halls perhaps aren't the mst luxuries of environments (1 shower and 1 loo to 10 girls, sick stains on carpets) but you do learn a lot of resilience and part of the fun is roughing it a bit. I've since moved home with my parents and can't wait to get a proper job and move out - that independence is something I miss so much

Your daughter sounds eminently sensible, I reckon.

It does sound the better course and will save a fortune in living costs. Dn is in her final year, and as far as I can tell, her cooking and cleaning skills haven't improved one iota!

She may well find, after she's settled in to her course, that on balance, she does want to live out. I would imagine that would be achievable for the second year onwards if she can sort a house share. If she chose a uni because you believe living out will be the better experience, you can't really do the same in reverse easily.

Plenty of kids cope fine with going away to uni - not all though. Is she worried about the prospect of living out or is it purely a financial thing?

I would encourage her to move out, even if it is still to the local uni. My DS is in first year at a uni just under an hour away.

He has always been capable of cooking, cleaning etc and quite confident, but there was a marked change in him generally at Christmas. More independent, more confident, just lots of subtle changes.

Its a mixture of everything, having to do all cooking, cleaning, meal planning themselves, the social life (including eating meals most evenings with friends in flat above), having to plan meals and chores around their timetable (thats hard mum - tell me about it!). Budgeting, getting themselves around an unfamiliar city/back home etc. Sorting out accommodation for next year, who with, where, etc. So many new experiences. And yes, not having anyone but themselves to answer to or on hand if there is a problem (altho we only a Whatsapp message away!)

He is also careful with money, but more than manages on his maintenance loan etc. He worked in 6th form but doesn't feel he has time at present (full timetable in week and needs weekends for following week prep/revision).

We are in constant touch on Whatsapp and the odd FaceTime, and see him every few weeks, but at xmas he still looked forward to going back to his uni life.

Going away to uni was the making of me over 35 yrs ago and I can also see it being the making of DS, and hopefully DD in a couple of years too.

YANBU. It doesn't make sense to go for the further away university, but I'd encourage her to live away from home for at least her first year. As others have said, university is more than an academic education and is also a soft-start into grown up living. Before I went to university I knew how to do my washing/cooking etc, but it was one thing doing it at my mum's and another thing doing it for myself. I'm glad I chose to live at the uni, rather than at home and commute the 30 mins each day, because without being there it's hard to know what you miss out on. It could be things like a book you need for a tutorial only being available on short loan - so you need to hand it back within 4 hours or wait for someone else to hand it in before you can have your turn - or something daft like having friends who are going through the same thing available on-tap when it's all a bit much. When the majority of first years are living in halls, friendship groups tend to form based on that common experience and removing yourself from that can make things quite lonely.

And oh yes, I learnt deep admiration for my mum having gone to uni! Organising my own dentist, doctor, optitian appointments was annoying enough, let alone having to manage a family's. Budgeting and cooking - where to go for the cheapest stuff, learning what stuff you could compromise quality for price and what you couldn't, lots of problem solving, sorting out payment of accomodation fees (loan + grant), budgeting (how much needs to go on phone? How much on food? What about nights out? If I don't eat meat 3 times this week how much vodka money will I have?), being responsible for own studies - no one making you get up for lectures or do your coursework, doing all your washing and ironing, fitting cooking and cleaning around lectures etc. There's so much to do (well, not more than most adults deal with but it seems lots at the time) that you become expert at time management. My mum was shocked at how well I managed!

Shocked at all the people saying how about a compromise, etc.

This girl is 19. 19. She is an adult. Who can make her own choices. After all, it's her debt and her money how strange.

Mine is half an hour away. I don't resent the £6000 in rent it costs me each year as her friends who live at home don't have the same experience of uni that she has.

Foe me the social experience of uni was a big part that the education, It made me the person that I am today.

If you/she can afford it then I think that the experience of living away from home for university is hugely beneficial. In the nearly 3 years that DD1 has lived away (first 2 years of uni and now mid-placement) she has grown up enormously. She has had to manage her own money and life.

Living away would mean that your DD would be able to get a maintenance loan of £7k (assuming a household income of £35k). If she lived at home she would still be able to access a maintenance loan of £5k at the same household income level.

She would probably live 'better' if staying at home but would miss out on the adventure that is living away.

The repayments on student loan dont start until income hits £21k. At £25k the repayments are £30/month

Gently nudge that chick out of the best. 2 hours away is perfect - far enough that she has to commit to it (no sneaking home every weekend) but close enough to get to in tough times.

I went 2 hours away and had a great experience. I'd have stayed hidden at home if I could have but getting out there and having the whole student experience was a formative experience.

YANBU - encourage her to move out!

Living at home may be lovely and save a load of money, but part of uni for me was the ad hoc nights out, meeting new people in your mates halls, staying up until 5am for no reason except for that you can. She won't be able to do that if she doesn't move out. Plus a lot of friendships are formed depending on the halls you live in.

My friend from uni grew up in the same city we were at. She went into halls for the first year and lived at home for the 2nd and 3rd. She got a taste of student life in halls for the first year and loved it, developed friendships that she wouldn't have had she lived at home. I would highly recommend it.

I lived at home for my first degree and then moved hundreds miles away for my postgrad. I wasn't ready to move out at 18. I was more than ready at 21! If she stays close during year 1 maybe she will choose to move out later.

What strikes me moat about this thread is that everyone is talking about the social side and learning to be independent. University is supposed to be about learning and academic achievement. Our kids are surely not getting themselves £50k+ into debt just so that they can learn to budget, load the washing machine and drink vodka.

No, but if they can learn those things as well as getting a degree, then that's a good thing, surely, @frenchfancy?

My girls will have the choice, with the social and financial benefits of moving out or staying home made very clear. They both want to travel too so I think they will stay at home to save money, but we have a couple of years to go yet.

My dd is 12 and we have started discussing this. We are near enough to one of the good universities for her to stay at home. But just far enough away for her to justify doing a year or two living as a 'proper' student.

I am going to leave it entirely up to her. Financially we won't be in a position to help out a lot so if we can offer a room it will keep costs down. Hopefully enough for her to maybe afford to run a car which will get her to the train station and possibly a part time job etc.

I don't think I will want her to move out in just 6 years if I am honest. That might change drastically when we hit the teenage years tho.

I went to uni in my home town & it was great. I didn't pay rent so I was pretty comfortable with working only 16 hours a week & full time in the summer holidays. My parents were pretty easy going about me coming home at 4am etc but I mainly stayed with my friends in their student flat. I feel I had the best of both worlds.

I also think staying at home meant I didn't make as many stupid mistakes- drunk out my face going out too much & not going to uni. Although I was not long turned 17 when I went to uni so a bit younger.

If she has the sense to live at home and save a fortune in the process she sounds like she has her head screwed on to me.

Please don't encourage her to take a poorer choice course wise just for the social side of uni.

She's working and has a good social life and is taking the costs into account - she sounds pretty sensible to me. Trust her to make the right choice for herself.

I would never have had the experiences I did if I'd stayed at home for uni. The friends, the adventures, some choices more questionable than others (though was deeply sensible compared to some of my housemates) - but I am glad I did all of it. By the end of uni I'd met my now DH and I moved in with him after graduation, so uni really was my chance to stumble around the world by myself getting used to it. Forming an adult identity that wasn't overly coloured by my parents or my partner.

I think she should go for the best course above all, but even if that means going local, she really should consider living out from second year on at least. Assuming it can be done financially, it will be well worth it in experience.

Also, if she wants to live at home for part or all of her degree, she needs to be contributing to household chores on a rota. Adults sharing a house need to play their part.