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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask when you think its best to have a baby

61 replies

ijustheartdietcoke · 21/02/2017 13:40

if u met your partner young ... when would you have ideally chosen to have a baby? He thinks best to try not but Im not so sure xx

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 21/02/2017 13:45

How young are you? How long have you been together?

Original poster
ijustheartdietcoke · 21/02/2017 13:47

I'm 23 ... we've been together 6 years

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 21/02/2017 13:48

If you're not sure, then it's not the right time.

Quietwhenreading · 21/02/2017 13:49

I met my partner at 15. We had our first child at 32 which was later than planned but has actually worked out well.

We planned to get pregnant in our late twenties once we had a settled home, some money in the bank and both had good jobs.

midlifehope · 21/02/2017 13:52

There is never a 'right' time.
I had mine at 34 and 38

Pros: I had travelled and established a career.
Cons: giving birth in late 30s sometimes more complicated (was for me) and being an older mum is tiring. Also (not to be morbid) youger mums will live longer!

oldestmumaintheworld · 21/02/2017 13:52

When you both have settled jobs, a settled home, savings to tied you over the bad times and you BOTH can't bear to be without one any longer.

Hellmouth · 21/02/2017 13:53

Being together a while does not automatically mean you should try for kids. You're still really young. If you're not ready, wait until you are. You have plenty of time :)

Rainydayspending · 21/02/2017 13:53

If either partner is not convinced it's not ideal.
Age/ physical fitness there probably is a perfect time BUT we're not hunter gatherers living off our wits and cunning. Ideally being in secure financial / work / housing / familial support etc help too.
If you have reservations are they the uncertainty of such a life change (perfectly valid in a world where we can more readily make decisions around fertility)? Or financial ones? Have you an idea of what you want to do achieve first? Maybe get a clearer idea of when it would be right and communicate that to your other half.

Closetlibrarian · 21/02/2017 13:55

My mum always said there's no 'right time' to have a baby. There are benefits to having them young, benefits to having them when you're older. I had mine at 37 & 39. DH and I had been together about 12 years, married for 10 when we had DC1. Didn't want them earlier, for various reasons, but I do sometimes feel exhausted at the thought that I'll be nearly 60 by the time DC2 has left school.

Original poster
ijustheartdietcoke · 21/02/2017 13:55

we've got settled jobs and home lucky really

OP posts:
BobbieDog · 21/02/2017 13:55

I think sometimes it can never be the right time.

My sister for example is 33 now and wants to get a bigger house (will be at least another 3 years) then wants to have everything right in the house and then have a baby.

I fear she may leave it too late.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 21/02/2017 13:57

While there is never a "right" time as such you can have your life in order a little bit instead of bring a baby in to chaos

Somewhere to live, either long term rent or buying your own home
Savings aren't necessary but I think a saving safety net is a good idea
Job, do you want a career? Do you plan on going back to work being a stay home Mum?

I married dh when I was 20 and we had our first baby last year when I was 39, I had an easy birth it certainly wasn't harder because I was "older" I own my own home and I am too level in my career with offers an amazing maternity package and I've now returned to my top level top.

Orangebird69 · 21/02/2017 13:57

You're both still really young. Are you married? Can you afford/do either of you want to stay at home or will you both go back to work? If so, do you have any idea about childcare? Lots of stuff to think about. I didn't meet my dh until I was 33, we didn't marry until I was 37 and then didn't have my ds until I was 40. It was the right thing for us as I wanted financial security, the choice for me to be a sahm etc. If you have considered all the logistics of having a child and you're where you want to be regardless of how long you've been together, then go for it. If not, then wait.

Elanetical · 21/02/2017 13:58

If you're not sure then wait awhile. There's no rush, unless you have a family history of early menopause.

Original poster
ijustheartdietcoke · 21/02/2017 13:59

Getting married soon, in May. Not sure about work, makes sense to go back I think maybe part time?

OP posts:
GretchenFetchem · 21/02/2017 14:00

It's all circumstantial. Are you both ready to be parents? Can you afford it? Have you done all the stuff you wanted to before you start a family? Do you want to be settled down with kids right now? Only you know for sure as there is no universally right or wrong answer.

My DH and I met when we were 16 and 20. We're now 30 and 34 and are due our first baby in April. We've wanted a family for at least five years but hadn't ticked off our big 'to do list' items yet. They were things we felt would be harder if we had kids first, i.e. going on epic holidays, getting married and buying a house etc. Essentially stuff that costs a fortune! I hear kids are good at eating all your money lol.

NickyEds · 21/02/2017 14:00

I met dp when we were 18 and we had ds at 35. I sort of wish we had started earlier as it would have left more time for number three (we also had dd 19 months after ds)but only a couple of years earlier. Dp is an academic and we wanted him to be secure in his job, I wanted to start and run my business for a few years which I was only in a postion to do in my later twenties and we wanted dp to earn enough to allow my to be a SAHM so we waited.

CurlyBlueberry · 21/02/2017 14:01

It depends. I was 23 when I fell pregnant and we had also been together for 6 years at that point (married for 1). We both wanted a child and were in a position to care for one so went ahead. Others might wait longer and that be right for them.

trixymalixy · 21/02/2017 14:01

I met DH when i was 19, we got married when we were 25 and had our first baby when i was 30. I still felt a bit young to be having a baby and wish I'd done more travelling etc first.

Oogle · 21/02/2017 14:03

I met DH at 19, got married at 20 and first baby arrived a week before my 29th birthday.

I was broody for a few years but I didn't feel completely ready until I was 28. We were also very financially stable by this point.

phoenix1973 · 21/02/2017 14:06

Try and time it so you're not hitting the menopause when the kids are hitting teens and elderly parents need care.....☠️
But not so young that you can't afford anywhere to live do end up stuck living with in laws or parents...🤔
But not so old that your kids teachers look like youngsters...😂
If you have them young, you snap back quicker, have more energy. Then when they are grown you can get your own life back and accumulate a pension pot. Plus the generation gap is smaller.
Ideally time it so your parents retire just as you need childcare and can get to work.
None of the above is true for me.

Orangebird69 · 21/02/2017 14:06

Congrats on the forthcoming wedding OP 😊. The work/childcare thing is a really important aspect to have a handle on. Is your employer family friendly/are flexible hours an option? It's quite stressful having to manage all that entails, time management wise and financially etc. But most importantly, do you want a baby yet?

Orangebird69 · 21/02/2017 14:08

Going by Phoenixs post, I'm buggered then BlushHmm

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 21/02/2017 14:10

Congratulations for your wedding!

With going back to work part time? do you have family that way help with childcare? Or your need to look at local nursery prices? My dd is at nursery now I'm back at work and it's not cheap although it is full time nursery