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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
TENSHI · 21/02/2017 14:53

You are wondering what they pick up re: his moods??!!!

Everything!! AND how you respond. AND they will be acutely finetuned to any difference in treatment that your ds receives.

AND could play on that/work it to their advantage.

This is grossy unfair on your poor ds.

All dc want to please their parents, the greater the bully the more they want to appease/please.

Op you need to start leading by example NOW

TempusEedjit · 21/02/2017 14:55

He never shouts because you and the DC make sure you never give him cause to. That's not the same as him being a nice person.

I also think you have mistaken grand monetary gestures in front of an audience as being kindness and generosity. If he was truly kind he'd be generous with his time and attention to you all instead of this "need to know" basis regarding his own kids. But no he'd rather trek to India so that everyone can look at and go Ooh what a lovely generous dad he is.

Having grown up in fear of my father's moods your materialism at the expense of your DC mental health makes me feel sad for them.

PatriciaHolm · 21/02/2017 14:56

Honestly OP, the more you post, the worse he sounds.

Normal loving husbands don't make "oblique" compliments. They don't suffocate everyone in the house so much that their absence is a relief.

Areyoulocal · 21/02/2017 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 15:11

I don't think I'm particularly materialistic. You never know how things will pan out and then that's your life do you live it. He's not materialistic either. He buys cars that's it really.
He is very into the kids having "experiences" so that's why he does the trips. They've been off grid in Canada, in the rainforest and allsorts.
I know I probably sound defensive. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 15:15

Banana thankyou. I have often wondered if he has some kind of borderline personality. I don't think he's on the spectrum, though a fair few of his business partners are and their marriages haven't survived in most cases. Credit to you for taking the steps you did.

OP posts:
Iris65 · 21/02/2017 15:18

Don't get sucked into spending your time diagnosing him. This thread is about how you feel and not about him. He is clearly dominating you all and this thead.

RortyCrankle · 21/02/2017 15:33

Unless you promised in your wedding vows to honour, obey and be the household drudge I would frankly tell him to fuck off and not come back until he had found some respect for you and learned what a husband/partner really is and I would be getting a job pronto.

To be frank you became his enabler years ago and allowed him to become the arsehole he is today. Also time to ask what you think your children are learning from it?. You're not alone dealing with this, there have many many women posting similar on here who have found their inner strength to deal with their partners. Take strength from them if you need it.

Time to change and I wish you the best of luck

RortyCrankle · 21/02/2017 15:36

You might want to ask MNHQ to move your thread to Relationships board where there are people with a wealth of experience and advice, some having dealt with exactly your situation.

LadyPW · 21/02/2017 15:40

He never shouts because you and the DC make sure you never give him cause to. That's not the same as him being a nice person.
I'd have thought that someone who was going to shout would find excuses regardless of the eggshells.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 15:44

I feel a bit knocked sideways tbh by some of this. I will try and talk to him as soon as the time seems right.

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 21/02/2017 15:47

OP I don't mean materialistic as in designer labels and such. I mean things like nice house, school fees (?), big ticket trips etc at the expense of you DH actually spending quality time with you all on a daily basis, taking an interest/taking part in the nitty gritty of you and your DC lives, him not being the big boss whose moods you all defer to. Because if it wasn't for the money/lifestyle why would you put up with you and your children having to walk on eggshells around him?

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 15:49

LadyP - you are right and I should make clear that he would never get aggressive or violent with me. Firstly because he just wouldn't do that and secondly I would be straight out the door, if that happened even once.

OP posts:
TempusEedjit · 21/02/2017 15:50

ladyPW there's more than one way to express disapproval/reduce the OP to tears other than shouting. My abusive exH rarely shouted, he was a stonewaller.

Rainatnight · 21/02/2017 15:53

I grew up with a workaholic dad, around whom we were walking on eggshells. Hated bringing friends home and everything. It was no fun and has made me super nervous in any important relationship I've ever had (though loads of therapy has helped a lot).

peggyundercrackers · 21/02/2017 15:54

I feel a bit knocked sideways tbh by some of this

don't be, this is the internet not real life.

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 15:56

Tempus - this is the life we find ourselves in and I suppose things come at a cost. The DC are in 3 different independent schools now since DD started Year 7. It's fair to say they won't have to struggle financially at least. We live in South-West London and I would say there are a lot of people living this way when I look around. All with DH's, or perhaps 2 parents, who prioritise work to some extent.

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 21/02/2017 15:59

Lots of people work hard. They aren't necessarily horrible to their wives at the same time.

TempusEedjit · 21/02/2017 16:00

OP I am sorry if ironically I am coming across as critical of you! Just trying to understand things. Flowers

You say his moods are volatile, he is highly strung, doesn't take criticism at all well, nit picks, and gets annoyed if you don't look at him when he wants you too. Yet he is not aggressive, violent or shouty. What exactly are you afraid of that you have to manage his moods so acutely? And why is that better than the other things you have listed?

Original poster
anonymousother · 21/02/2017 16:05

Tempos -it's a good question. No I am not scared of him physically or anything like that, but I just don't want the stress because it feels sufficating and I guess I want to cushion the DC from it. As I say though, a lot of his behaviours I can preempt now so a lot of it is unconscious anyway.

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 21/02/2017 16:13

"There is dust in the top of that door frame" chuck him a damp cloth and tell him to fucking wipe it.

My friend did pretty much this when her husband came back from work one day to get something he'd forgotten and "caught" us having a coffee. He ran his finger along the mantelpiece and said "When did you last dust this"

She replied along the lines of "8th September 1996. There's a cloth under the sink."

There is no need for your dh to be so snide - he has his work, he has his hobbies - when do you get a break from the house and the children? How would he react if you said "I'm going to a coffee morning - I may be some time. BTW, the accounts need doing." and walked out?

Eatingcheeseontoast · 21/02/2017 16:13

I get this - the trying to remove any sources of possible stress before he comes home.

So I stopped doing that - I worked on being more chilled.

shovetheholly · 21/02/2017 16:20

I often post the same thing on these threads, which is this: he is only able to focus on his job because you are doing the work of social reproduction - the child-rearing, the cooking, cleaning, organising etc. Your 'labour' has been made invisible by the system, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. If he had children to raise himself, and a house to organise, there is NO WAY he'd be able to focus so much on his work.

What he's doing is essentially selfish and ungrateful. He's obsessing about his work to the extent that it's having an incredibly negative effect on his home life and, to be honest, his parenting. Because a father who only hears things on a 'need to know' basis because of his temper is seriously checking out on a lot of things. In addition, it's incredibly disrespectful and undermining to treat you as if you are, essentially, a paid servant to whom he can moan about the state of the door frames. To be honest, it sounds as though what he's really doing is bullying you - grinding you down with nitpicky remarks until you feel inadequate, in order to compensate for his own insecurities.

It doesn't really sound very companionate, or very loving. And no, friends thinking the sun shines out of his arse doesn't mean it actually does. People can be really different in public and private.

I realise that this is just one aspect of your marriage, so I'm not going to tell you to LTB or anything. But I do think open and respectful communication is vital to any relationship - and if you're treading on eggshells, afraid to say anything because of his reaction, that's really quite worrying.

shovetheholly · 21/02/2017 16:22

(Oh, and it doesn't just "go with the territory". There are plenty of men in high-powered jobs who don't behave like arses!)

dowhatnow · 21/02/2017 16:30

You have to stop placating him, and let the real you show through. Deal with the consequences as they arise. He may surprise you when you call him out on things - he may not be aware of how he is affecting you all, or things will escalate to where you realise that you need to get out.

But start demanding respect and consideration and stop treading on eggshells. Communicate your feelings and be strong.