Is DH too high-maintenance?

[anonymousother]

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

What happens if you were you? If you didn't walk on eggshells? Would you get the cold shoulder? My dh is a little like this. I'm a sahm to kids with disabilities so it a necessity rather than a choice. My dh doesn't take critism well and often his work and hobby fall before us. He doesn't have a nice temper either. He doesn't complain but isn't massively helpful or engaged. He seems more comfortable with using money to buy off his children rather than give them his time. It sounds like a strained relationship. Talk is cheap it's about showing you you're not his employee. And having some respect. Sadly some men just can't seem to take things onboard to change as the set up works in their favour.

I know it's not acceptable.
He has no idea really what I do in the day. He wouldn't mind st all though if I was out for lunch or shopping or whatever. He's not aware of how or when his suits hi to the dry cleaners or how things appear in his wardrobe so he just doesn't factor it in. I know that will sound ridiculous to most people. We do eat out quite a lot, but when he's home he won't eat processed food. He would pull a mystified face and huff and puff, that kind of thing.

There probably is a lot of projection going on on this thread. We all have an impression of OP's husband, and we are probably all a bit wide of the mark. He might be a nice generous guy deep down, he might be an abusive narcissistic bully.
At the end of the day it doesn't matter either way OP.
He makes you feel on edge with his moods, you have become so adept at managing his behaviour that its become an instinct, he is hard on your son and obliquely puts you down. These are facts.
My advice would be STOP. All the managing, and ego massaging, the facilitating, the keeping the kids out of the way and the editing what you say.
Let him react when you do stop, and see what happens. Decide for yourself if you are actually frightened of him/his "moods". See what impact you ceasing to appease has on the way he behaves.
Ultimately, you have already tried to explain how he makes you feel-he apologises but doesn't change. You cant change someone else's behaviour, you can only change your own.
Maybe when you see how he is when you are NOT tiptoeing around him, you will see very clearly who he really is.

Just x posted basically the same thing with several others!

MsQueen - I think I may have seen you post elsewhere and could identify with a lot of it.

Ifnot - thankyou. Put it this way, if we ever did separate, I would cope but I'm not sure he would.

I'd worry about your DS most. Your DH chooses "experiences" that obviously appeal to him (and you said he feels clostraphobic if he has to spend time a home and he obviously likes energetic pastimes. Does he ever truly consult the DC about what they'd like to do or what kind of holiday they'd like?
He appears to want to mould your DS into a tunnel visioned stressed workaholic like himself. Your DS is no doubt feeling the pressure and is starting to rebel. Does DS ever articulate that he feels he has done well at anything, that he feels pleased with himself?
Your DD are no doubt "safer" because your DH does not have the same expectations of them re work and you may feel the need to motivate them to fulfil themselves rather than expect some man to meet their needs.
Can you persuade DH to attend counselling under the guise of preparation for retirement etc? He needs to get some insight into the way his behaviour affects others if he is to maintain a healthy relationship with your DC and give you the respect you deserve.
Good luck

I wonder whether you can't be you without causing yourself huge anxiety?

He doesn't sound as if he is good for your mental health nor your dcs.

The good thing is, you have a choice. Your dc do not.

If you are not worried about his temper or him lashing out why don't you just be you?

It sounds as if you are living a lie and you've had enough of pretending that everything's ok when they are not.

Discontent is the chrysalis of change op.

It woud be great if you pluck up some courage and put some changes about how you deal with him. It sounds like he seriously needs to grow up and stop throwing man tantrums to get his own way.

What selfish, inconsiderate behaviour! Tell him your dc are copying his behaviour so could he improve it please and be a better role model?

Treat him like a child if he mantantrums.

Report back here on your progress please

A practical suggestion.

Write a list on your phone with subheading of every room and area in you home, plus 'parenting' and 'other'

Add to it every time you do something.

E.g.:
Bedroom
-made bed
-put DH shoes away
En suite
-hung up towels
-restocked toilet paper
-replaced DH shampoo
Parenting
-school run
-made papier-mâché rocket with DS
-violin practice with Dd

Etc

This is a list for YOU. I did it for a week, and I learnt to appreciate how much I do for the family. My mother was never appreciated and so I never appreciated my role until this point.

I never intended to share it, but it made me so empowered about my contribution that in the end I did speak to DH about it.

I said he could stop me nagging by simply doing the reasonable things I requested. That keeping this house is my area of expertise and while we all share the home, the running of it is my domain.

I will not accept criticism of my housekeeping any more than I would go to his work place and criticise him, as I am not an expert in his field anymore than he is an expert in keeping a house.

It was very effective. He was gobsmaked at seeing all the invisible jobs I do each day. So was I to be honest.

We are a team and that helped me see the balance - that we both fill the role we enjoy and that I owe to him nothing more than he owes me.

Benedict - you reminded me that we had DS' parents evening last week. He's in Year 8 at a quite academic school and he has some subjects he can drop now. DS and I are very close (obviously), but for the first time he shocked me with something he said which was - "I'm not wasting time with subjects that don't get me a job. I just need to get a good job so I can make all my money before I have kids, so I can get a decent house and be with them and not be working too hard after I'm 30."
I do feel quite upset now He is only 12 and quite creative. I did persuade him to keep doing music though.

What banana said rang bells to me too as DH is on the spectrum too. (I'm not)

What helped for us has been
1- to make sure that any comment I am making to him is done with a huge smile so that he knows it wasnt a personal attack, just a comment on how we can do things differently
2- small steps and explaining again and again, usuallly using comparaisons with work/hobbies to explain
3- accepting that he will always do some of the stuff in a different way. It's just the way it is. I spent quite a lot of time when we I realised what was going on remembering this was the reason for it so I wasn't getting ressentful.
4- appreciating that he will relate to the dcs his way, which will not be the way I would expect, and that's OK (so quite similar to yu R DH taking your dcs for big trips etc...)
5- but at the same time pulling him up on discrepancies (e.g. Not treating both dcs the same, how unfair etc...) as well as mind him that some behaviours are normal (e.g. Sullen as a teenager)

Now I don't know if he is or isn't on the spectrum.
But I do think that this is something that could work well for people who aren't on the spectrum iyswim. I know it would have worked well with my dad too (NT but very driven, self employed etc...)

OP you can have a big impact there. You can 'make' him keep some subjects that will not help him make money because a well rounded education is about more than money.
You can push against the tide and teach your dcs that there is more to life than work. Yes work does help financially but there are others things as well. Talk about those.
And have no hesitation to tell your DH that you don't agree with him when he is starting to go on about how important it is to have xx amount of money etc...

just

Btw dcs are likely to say similar things.
'Oh I want to live in a small place in the middle of nowhere' would be what I hear at home.
This isn't the DC dream, it's DH (and in some ways mine but not as much).

I see my role as teaching them there are other possibilities in life than doing what we do the way we do it. O any time one of the dcs is going on about doing xxx in yyy way (aka repeating what we or DH do), I always Paint the opposite or something really different as being great. Even if I think it's not that great or I don't agree with the idea.
Then We discuss.
I believe it's the discussion and having a critical eye in things that is the most important there iyswim.

You could read that comment two ways though, that your son would like to spend more time with his family after 30. Not many jobs allow you to retire at 30 though...

My dd said something similar about her options. She is not very creative though. I think this generation are taught to think about what employers want from very early on, it's part of the school requirement.

Narc - my Dad was one, my husband's one - your "d"h is a narc!!

What is a narc?

A narcissist

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

How you deal with it is best to google!

Thankyou Doggy and TENSHI.

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=8&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjKgb7R5qHSAhUjOsAKHU5eASAQFgg_MAc&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.forbes.com%2Fsites%2Fkathycaprino%2F2016%2F07%2F09%2Fhow-being-raised-by-a-narcissist-damages-your-life-and-self-esteem%2F&usg=AFQjCNFeglW_hqWoIFAsdlA_hNq3qZMJGw&sig2=6ycKFpG-DOaEaExZjlOQ1g

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=6&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjZhp7T56HSAhVHKMAKHVovAzgQFgg7MAU&url=http%3A%2F%2Fpsychcentral.com%2Fblog%2Farchives%2F2012%2F12%2F27%2Fhow-to-live-with-a-narcissist%2F&usg=AFQjCNH-uqjR-e0cP27qr4JSC9TozIj36g&sig2=QTm7oMWt1n8L0L3Y--CO0Q

I wonder if he would post a different tale. Has he had counselling for bereavement? He wants to give his the family the best in his mind.
The dust on the door frame comment? FGS make a joke of it.

When you say you are concerned about the effect on your children can I just point out the effect such a father had on me. He too was "away" a lot so as a child it was perfectly bearable and to me at the time, perfectly normal to me to only have to be on eggshells some of the time so all was "fine".

Roll on to me being an adult and I kept up the "normal" thing of being a different person to different people - the person I was around mum, then dad, then friends and then DH - all different as they had different expectations of me and I fitted that mould as that it what I thought was "normal" and I was genuinely happy at the time.

Then I had children and I suddenly was stretched and didn't have everything under control as I always had and I cracked. I couldn't cope as I couldn't be all things to all people and I didn't know how to cope.

I started counselling and I remember saying (and even at the time didn't realise the relevance) at the first session I don't know why I am here but I would love to know what music I like, and know what books I like!! Sounds simple but after 2 YEARS of counselling I realised the problem was that as a child I had learnt to adapt to personalities around me and never learnt to be ME!!! I never learnt WHO I was!!

My parents never learnt from their mistakes - please don't be my parents!!! I am far from saying either of you are evil or intending to damage your children but this dynamic can and will have long term effects on your children. I am just giving you one example of how it can affect children.

Best of luck - I wish you well!

This reminds me if my childhood except my dad wasn't so successful financially. He was a total workaholic and his rules were that he was a better father than those around because he worked and achieved for his family not like the other dad's who went to the pub had hobbies and we're easy with their children instead of always pushing their children to work and succeed.
How I wished he'd stuff his hard work and be more like the other so called lazy dad's!
We all tiptoed around his moods and stress and temper. But he felt it was OK to be moody since it was because he was tired because of all the work he was doing for his family - that we didn't ask him too.
It's only since we are ask in our 20s that anyone gives him birthday cards fathers day cards kisses or hugs. As before we were all either too terrified or else pissed off with him.
He retired early due to his workplace closing down and we were all dreading it! But after a few years he eventually mellowed enough so you could have a relationship with him. But not without years of damage and anxiety and life long guilt if not perfect add the only attention he gave was critical and if you got 90% he would ask what happened to the other 10%.
Not a happy set up for spouse or children to live in. Sorry.

heretohelp

That sounds exactly like me. I didn't know who I was. I became a chameleon personality and acted differently to please different people. Didn't have an opinion on anything because I wasn't allowed one growing up. I've had a lot of therapy too. I finally admitted my dream since childhood to learn to act had training in my 30's. If only I'd had the right guidance, I would have done something I enjoyed instead of bumbling aimlessly through life. Your ds seems already to have a rigid mindset. My parents didn't talk to me at all about what I wanted to do when I left school. Well they didn't talk to me about anything of import. So I had no direction at all. It sounds as if your ds possibly hasn't had any either op apart from being expected to fit into the mould as determined by his father.