Is DH too high-maintenance?

[anonymousother]

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

Yeah, except the OP tells us that he can't handle criticism, so how's that going to go down?

I have a cleaner twice a week. Bits get missed in a large family home which I assume it is.

As for whether he is abusive or not it depends on whether his behaviour is cruel or violent.
The problem is that unless they are being physically violent or are name calling, openly criticising or degrading the other person it is often about perception and subjective judgments.
Based on the OP's posts its not up to anyone else to say that he is abusive, even of we don't like his behaviour and think it is damaging.

He is trying to fill the void and petrified of 'just being'.
It will never work.

Very kind- she can't talk to him properly and if he addresses her, he tells her off if she doesn't look at him the whole time. I find that quite unpleasant to read. His moods are volatile, he's a workaholic, he nitpicks, in her own words. He's harsh on the eldest boy.

She says he's kind as if she admitted the truth, that he's only nice as long as she doesn't criticize, bother him with anything to do with the children or her own life, and has lots of sex, it would expose him for what he is, a not very kind person who doesn't mind spilling his moods, stress and bad temper onto the whole family.

He is generous though, so on that score she is right. Plus she finds him attractive. So it's not all bad and it's her judgement call.

southall

I agree that her dh doesn't sound wilfully abusive. I agree there is nothing that potentially can't be fixed. But there is a lot of hard work to be done if it is fixed. However you're missing out all of the walking on eggshells stuff. How op shares nothing with her dh unless strictly necessary, how she has to pick her moment, the one sided conversations and much more besides. This is not occasional careless words. This is a very stressed man, who cannot cope with anything, which falls outside the parameters of what he deems as the norm. And op and her children are suffering. As is her husband, who appears to be his own worse enemy.

By the way - door frames? I run the Dyson attachment around them a couple of times a year when I do the skirting boards!

Yes, he is too high maintenance. And he'll never change. He'll always be like this.

So you have to get some coping strategies to regain your sense of self and to manage living with him.

My high achieving, super stressy DH can be an absolute arse. I'm genuinely worried about retirment as he really can't handle being left on his own to get on with his own devices.

So I'm quite clear that I get time to do my stuff, that looking after the family is a joint thing and that I won't take any stupid comments.

It doesn't always work but it keeps my sanity closer to normal levels.

southall it's also the OP's own words that he makes her cry, doesn't change his behaviour to avoid doing so again, and that it's normal for her children to walk on eggshells.

They are not the actions of or the results of living with a kind and affectionate man. Read the OP's list of his good points again. Where is the evidence of kindness and affection?

I am not sure I agree that this isn't abusive. That doesn't mean it is intentionally abusive but nevertheless the OP is feeling belittled and walking on eggshells.

OP your DH is putting his needs first and having everyone else work around him and his moods. He is prioritising himself over the whole family and the effect on the family is that people are suffering.

How is he on holiday (if he even bothers with one) does he slump, fret or try to organise everyone?
I think you do need to speak or write to him. Perhaps try the "when you did x I felt y" formula which stops the comment slipping into direct criticism which he will then react to defensively.
See how he reacts, if he gets nasty then you will know if he means to hurt your feelings or not.

Exotic holidays for 1% of the year won't make up for having to tiptoe around your own father 99% of the time.
Money doesn't create a happy childhood or home.

I second this.

I hadn't picked up on the feeling belittled, being made to cry and walking on eggshells tbh.
That is abusive.

I have been married for over 26 years to someone who I think has a lot in common with your husband anonymousother. We struggled for the first seven or so years and we were not very happy and we didn't know why. All I knew was that I felt totally unappreciated and that I was the morale officer and it was my job to keep everything on an even keel so he could go out and do the job.
He was frazzled when he got home and had no ability to empathise or be nice to me and it was my job to debrief him after work so he could process the things that happened and so he could wind down from being stressed.

Eventually via our son being diagnosed with ADD we realised my husband had ADD also which explained some of the issues we were having. Much much later my son and husband were identified as being on the autistic spectrum (what is commonly known as Asperger syndrome) and that explained the rest of their behaviour.

It was a huge improvement for me to know that it wasn't a lack of love/understanding/appreciation on my husband's part. It was simply that he was using all his socialising resources plus some he didn't have to go out every day and be functional and successful in public and it was taking it out of him so much that he had nothing left for me by the time he got home.

Another reason I took so long to understand the dynamics was because I am also on the spectrum but as a woman my autism is masked in being a people pleaser because following rules and fulfilling stereotypical roles was how I had instinctively tried to fit in as long as I could remember because as an empathic female I observed that females who fulfilled their expected roles were praised and given affection and so I logically followed that route unthinkingly.

I was doing my bit and fulfilling my role but my autistic husband was unable to reward me as I expected and we both were unhappy because we both felt we were going above and beyond (and we were) and that neither of us appreciated the efforts made by the other.

Nothing huge has changed but we are both happier now just because we understand what is going on and we are more accepting of each other's way of doing things.

I have relaxed a bit on the trying to be the perfect mother/wife thing and he is a bit more relaxed about his work. I recognise that his work is his special interest and I have found something that I enjoy as much as he enjoys work (I make jewellery and I am also involved in building his newest business) and I realise that if he picks up on something like the dust on the doorframe as you mentioned that it is an autistic detail spotting thing and he does not mean it as a criticism he is just verbalising and I shouldn't take it personally.

We have had to learn to let certain things slide because stuff we say and do which would mean one thing if we were neurotypical actually doesn't mean that at all from an autistic perspective.

Just something else for you to think about.

You sound very defensive of him. I understand that you love him and I believe you that he has good points- most people do. The question is whether his behaviour is acceptable (and healthy) for you AND your children?

I wonder how accurate your perception of him is? He may love you, in his own way, and be very generous with money and so on. However, he doesn't sound like he is "very caring" nor do I believe he "would do anything for you". In fact, he has demonstrated that he won't- you say when you have been upset about the way he behaves towards you (and have explained why you are upset) that he apologises and is remorseful. But then very soon returns to his old ways. That shows that he will not alter behaviour which you have told him is upsetting to you, which in turn shows a lack of respect for your well-being that I don't think I could let go unchecked. I think it sounds emotionally abusive TBH. I also wonder about his own mental health.

I am concerned that you have spent so long appeasing him and worrying about the impact of "upsetting" him that you have even got to the stage of only giving him "need to know" information about your children. I find that pretty appalling. Ultimately you're an adult who can decide whether you can put up with this behaviour or not. However, your children have no choices here. I really think you need to think about the impact the situation is having on them- what are they learning about relationships and how partners should be treated, for instance?

Your DH may love his children but if it really is the case that he only knows "need to know information" about them, he doesn't sound overly interested in their lives. He has made a grand gesture re trip to India with your son, and it may be a great experience, but your children need to feel day to day that their father is interested in them. Moreover, you admit that your DC are having to walk on egg shells because of his moods. I wonder if he is also as critical of them as he is with you? This kind of atmosphere really can have a negative impact on the DCs well-being. I do understand that you feel you shelter them from his behaviour, but I don't think they'll be as oblivious as you might like to think. I agree that no childhood is perfect, but I think you need to be aware that it can be damaging for some (not all) children. For instance, it can lead to real issues with self-esteem and other aspects of mental health. Eating disorders can also be a problem.

All in all, I think you need to sit down and talk over with your DH about how his behaviour is affecting you and your DC. He will get defensive, perhaps angry, but I don't think carrying on in the current manner is fair to you or your DC. Things need to change- both you and he need to make changes. You need to stand up to him more, don't be a doormat who just does whatever it takes to keep him happy regardless of the impact it has on you or your DC. It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight.

If he can't, or won't, change then I think you have decide if you are happy to carry on as things stand. I couldn't do it.

He's a cunt. Please do yourself a favour and offload this abusive prick.

OP, do not underestimate the effect this will have on your children.

My father was a fantastic earner and material provider, but completely cut off emotionally and selfish too. I went on to marry a man exactly like your husband. I left him before we had children, but it's been pretty soul destroying. I was divorced by the age of 30. Years later I still haven't been able to form a healthy relationship. I'm having regular therapy, which is great, but it feels like it's just a little too late; my old dream of having a lovely partner and my own family might never be possible.

My point is that history repeats itself and money cannot make up for a lack of love and affection.

Banana
I did wonder about ASD as I strongly suspect DH is on the mild end of the spectrum and he will often comment on something like dust or another minor niggle because it is in front of him and he doesn't filter his comments and often says exactly what is in his mind. What I sometimes see with DH is that something is bothering him so much that he just has to get it out of his brain and it doesn't occur to him that it might not be convenient for me to listen. However, if I think he has been rude I will tell him, if I can't listen to him I will say so.
However, whatever the cause, his behaviour is not OK and he has to learn new ways of dealing with his stress to the extent he can.

You have aways acted the doormat, the sponge to absorb his toxicity, and you have led your dc to do the same by example.

Is there any wonder your ds will be testing him? On one hand, as a male, he will see how you and the others treat the Man Of The House and he is probably conflicted in knowing how to behave himself knowing full well that his dad doesn't have to be kind, thoughtful or considerate when 'stressed'.

Such a poor role model for your daughters and son op. You are too, 'leading' by example that you must cow tow at all costs to him.

You get ritually humiliated, belittled and dismissed while you run around appeasing, smoothing, calming The Great Master so that you can all have an easy life!

That is more a Master Slave relationship than a marriage! If I were you I would stop appeasing and start to stick up for what is right, especially as you have daughters!!!

Keep calm and cool while you tell him not to treat you/speak to you like that. Before you change get copies of all your financial affairs because I truly believe he has not turned into a violent, abusive monster yet because you have continually cowtowed to him.

Stop doing that and demanding to be respected as an equal? Fireworks op. Your relationship is totally unhealthy and you need to stop how you are going on for the sake of your dc.

How would you feel if your dds brought home boyfriends like that?! How would you feel if your ds turned out like his father in treating his wife this way?

You know it's wrong. What are you going to do about it?

Nobody should have to walk on eggshells in their own home because of the stroppy behaviour of one person - as previous posters have said, you might have signed up for this but the children certainly didn't.

Agree that this trip to India needs a lot of careful thought- it sounds like a very intense activity if your husband and son are already locking horns, and to be honest your husband's parenting doesn't sound sufficiently competent or mature to handle testing circumstances with his own son.

Your husband won't change unless you start making changes in the way you respond to him. It's all working just fine for him at the moment - his work is allowed to dominate everyone's life as much as he chooses, he's got a servant who is cowed into submission, he has endless time available for his hobbies, and he is so petulant and demanding when he's at home that everyone's just grateful when he isn't there, so he never has to make a contribution to family life.

You are allowed to answer back. You are not his staff. If you need to speak with him about family issues, suggest scheduling a time when you expect his full attention. If he has issues with the standard of cleaning, you can both come up with a system for recording jobs the cleaner needs to tackle next time round. Perhaps you could agree a time slot where you can offer to listen to and support his work issues but give him your undivided attention, i.e. Not when you're in the middle of doing other jobs. But you have to be prepared to stand up to his stroppiness and petulance with exactly the calm detachment you'd need to deal with a toddler used to stamping his feet to get his own way.

With regard to the potential effect on children:

DH is in virtually every way the polar opposite to my father. Where dad was a macho, squaddie then police officer type, short tempered shouter, DH is a quiet, reserved computer programmer who is almost always calm. However. This Christmas I decided we should take DS to see Santa and the queue was awful. And DH got quietly but - to me - discernibly grumpy, not with me, but with the situation. I was nearly in tears in public because if that had been dad there would have been hell to pay afterwards, he would have blamed mum, would have been cold and passive aggressive and all of that came flooding back. I was in an awful state while trying to keep a happy facade up... just like mum used to. (DH of course did no such thing and we laugh about it now. However.)

I'm not saying every child would be affected as I have been but it's a possibility.

Sorry I had a class, so catching up.

It's very difficult to respond to some posts because so much of the way I interact with DH is unconscious, I suppose. I was 25 when I met him so not much to compare to.

Opal - what you say about "petrified of just being" kind of sums him up actually. So thsnkyou. He is never just still really.

He lost both his parents within a year of each other around the time of DS. He never tookaday off but he threw himself into his new business then. Maybe he didn't want to stop and think.

I think I put up with what thousands wouldn't because I know he's not a bad person underneath it all.

I think his mood can and does set the atmosphere in the house, yes. I know I need to sort this for the DC. He is away a fair bit with work. It's hard to admit, but it does feel like breathing space then.

People tell me they find him very charming and he is generally. They all love him at DDs prep. I don't really know what they think of him at work though - probably a nightmare.

He has got better on holiday in recent years. He can't just do nothing though so we have to factor that in. The first thing he does on check in would be to book a paragliding trip or something asap, but I just let him get on with it.

I would say he never shouts at me. I have only seen him really lose it maybe 5 times since the DC were born and it was things like road rage incidents or when someone threw a bottle through the window.

I could try writing to him, yes. As I say, I don't criticise him and it has to work both ways, He is actually very complimentary about how I look and that kind of thing, but the criticisms are made in an oblique way thst is totally unnecessary, if that makes sense.

I'm worried I have underestimated the influence on the DC now. He is overly kind with the girls actually, to the point he will rarely say no to them (which I think is ridiculous and it also means that falls to me as well in general). I have told him this, but he says they're only little and so on. I just wonder about the whole thing now and how much they pick up on his moods.

he's not a bad person underneath
Its not about being a bad person. Its how you feel.
A dog that bites because it's ill does as much damage as a dog that bites because its vicious.

Is he more moody than he used to be? A lot of what you write is familiar because it's how I felt about my DH, the eggshells, struggling with being more needy than DCs, needing to be successful. It hasn't changed overnight & he would never of said he was depressed but in fact anti-dress ants have made such a huge difference. Maybe the need to win is his way of coping at work and the difficulties at home are a sign that he's not really coping with everything. Would he be prepared to acknowledge or even consider that his emotions have a significant and negative effect on you & DCs? That's where I started... Good luck.

I would think carefully about whether you would want your children to live with a partner like this? Or to become like that person? You say he has many good points, and he probably does, but if you wouldn't be happy with this life for your children then it's also not on for you. I would be very concerned about the sort of messages your children are picking up about relationships - and use that to spur me on to act. You cannot live your life on eggshells.