Is DH too high-maintenance?

[anonymousother]

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

I'm sorry, OP. He sounds like a complete self-centred twat who sticks a few disingenuous "I love you's" into the mix for good measure...

I couldn't live like that for all the tea in China. Constantly walking on eggshells and suppressing what I really thought or wanted to say.

It's NOT your job to regulate his mood.

He's the star of his own show...you are merely an extra :(

Get up off the floor. STOP being his doormat! START acting as his equal...

*He is good in a crisis

Controlling people who like to give orders tend to be.*

Oh come on. I'm good in a crisis but I'm so not a controlling person & I hate giving orders. But although I get very stressed about the tiny things in life, in a crisis I can be really practical and don't get stressed the same.
I do think that a lot of people on here are projecting their own issues on to the OP & her marriage.

And I do think some counselling together might help.

" In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on."

So he'll do anything except give you and the kids his time or treat you well? None of your examples are of him being kind so either these are extremely rare instances and you are posting this because....? Or actually he's not generally kind at all.

Which is it?

I do agree mummyofdrsgons that he is probably on the edge. But what can I do to help him?

You sound like a complete people pleaser with poor boundaries. It isn't your job to help him. The best thing you can do is to go and get some counselling to disentangle this mess you've found yourself in. I'm not advocating this so that you see the light and divorce him. I'm saying it because I think your whole family would benefit from you sifting through your life. You're the hinge pin of this family and that is so hard for you. I think you really all need to learn to breathe because there doesn't seem to be very much oxygen in the air right now. I'm in the midlands area. If you're anywhere near me and are interested, pm me. I've got a great team of people helping me. (Chronically ill so having massage, Bowen therapy as well as a therapist, who uses various techniques including hypnotherapy).

If not, perhaps yoga, hypnotherapy tapes, meditation, self help books etc. Just anything, which calms and slows your life down and centres your energy because you sound as if you're all over the place. I really feel sorry for you. It sounds very hard .

He thinks men are people and women are servants.

So he is the man and has an important job making money. His son is quite important to him too so some bonding time and pushing the boy to get a good education is important to him.

But women? Women are for housework and childcare. No need to push the girls to succeed academically, much more important for them to be pretty so they can catch an important high warning chap like himself.

Oh by all means pamper and treat the little woman, got to keep her happy or the big man's shirts might not get ironed.

But be sure, he knows, the real job is his. The pretty words about OO doing the hard work aren't meaningful, he doesn't even know what she does and he certainly doesn't think it's important.

Best not challenge him on it though, or you could interrupt his important thoughts.

He is good in a crisis
Controlling people who like to give orders tend to be.

Totally beside the point but I don't think this is true at all. Controlling people like to be in control and tend to panic when things don't go to their plan. They do quite often tend to make the unexpected into a crisis though.

Thankyou. He is difficult, but I don't think he is abusive.
He is his own worst enemy in a way. He was a founder and shareholder in another company that sold within the last 12 months and he was at full tilt for about 8 months making this happen. I really thought he would take a step back after that closed and that he would get a sense of satisfaction. Not just about the money, but the success story that this was something he and a few friends had achieved. They were on the main news being interviewed and in the papers. Then DH had a massive falling out with one of the others over some insignificant thing. This guy does now seem to be having a breakdown. DH is no happier than before.

I have at least two female friends in their early 40s with similar aged children who could have written this post word for word. My DH would also be more like this it if he thought could get away with it but since we both work full-time it's been a little easier for me to assert, later than I should have, that this is a partnership of equals and we both need to pull our weight/have equal time off. I have to hold my hands up and say I reckon I still do 80% of child-related/domestic stuff, but that's partly because I am more organised and like the way I do things. I don't know what the answer is, but you are not alone. I think I'd want to speak to a third party coach/counsellor/therapist about this, alone and together. It's very easy for marriages to founder if you are thinking "literally all you bring to this family is your pay cheque" and you have no connection, or mutual kindness or affection, and there's no end in sight.

Do be careful when he takes DS to India. You need to prepare them both. Make sure DH knows it's about bonding and must not get too competitive! If he lets his driven need to achieve get in the way of his desire to connect with DS then that will go badly wrong. He has to understand children can't always be expected to relate to him on his terms.

i wanted to ask why your cleaner was taking advantage too - if she has gotten into a habit of chatting, can you go out when she comes to clean - say hello, I'm off to do x' and leave her to it? You seem to be powerless in a lot of your relationships and that needs thinking about too. I sympathize, I hate employing or managing people because I get walked over and end up sacking them because I can't talk about valid criticisms which is not optimal, and I'm trying to work on that.

OP, I've read the whole thread and while I am not sure that I could live happily with someone like your DH, there are clearly aspects of your life together that are good and that you want to maintain. I do wonder whether this might be a question of re-setting family "boundaries" in terms of how he, as a husband and as a father, should contribute and engage in family life.

He's obviously got the financial side of things down to a tee, but making everyone feel as if they're walking on eggshells isn't acceptable and must be incredibly difficult for you and your children. I do however agree with PPs that you are enabling his behaviour and you need to stop.

So in answer to your question, yes, your DH is certainly high maintenance and, in my view, would be a complete pain in the backside to live with. But he's not my DH and I don't have kids with him. You both need to work through how you live together from now on, because certain aspects aren't working for you and, I suspect, aren't for your kids either. The teenage years aren't going to be easy unless you start thinking about, and addressing this, now. Good luck.

Op did you ever see Andy Murray being interviewed about what he feels when he wins? He feels relief that he didn't lose, that's it. A lot of success doesn't feel that good if you don't have the toolkit for it, very driven people don't always react as other people might expect. I honestly think both of you need counselling, separately and perhaps together so that you can move onto a happier next phase of your lives.

Firstly if he's a workaholic how does he have TIME for 8 HOUR bike rides?!

Secondly - if he's such a perfectionist how come he's not interested in being a better husband and dad? Seems to me his perfectionism/high standards only apply to what OTHERS witness (thus resulting in others thinking he's great when they don't really know him).

"his behaviour away from his audience" is spot on

"So he'll throw money at the issue, but not anything that actually means anything, like seriously trying to change his attitude even though he's made you cry."

Yes I picked up on this. My mum's an abused wife. She has lots of very beautiful, very expensive jewellery bought by my dad as apologies. She rarely wears it unless he tells her to as to her they actually remind her of the abuse.

Money doesn't have to be withheld for it to be used as a tool of abuse, of control. The threat of losing it/access to it is still not on. Just like the threat of him losing his temper is bad enough, the fear of him losing his temper makes you op change your behaviour.

"An apology is meaningless if the behaviour that caused you to cry doesn't change." Absolutely! I've even raised dd that if she apologises if she does the thing again it's not a real apology! And she's understood that since she was quite little.

Regarding the children ALSO having to walk on eggshells - go and have a look at the 'stately homes' thread or 'out of the fog' site and see the long term effects on children parented like this.

"You realise you're possibly setting them up for a life of anxiety, people pleasing, accepting abusive partners themselves?"

"They might have a good life materially, but not emotionally, not tiptoeing round their father, not at all" which is exactly the premise of stately homes! 'You were abusive/emotionally absent parents' 'don't be ridiculous we took you to stately homes!'

So potentially your son will be saying to his dad 'you were too critical, unsupportive, emotionally absent and favoured my sisters' 'but I took you trekking in India!'

"I think if you left him, he'd very likely fall apart. I do wonder if he's already hanging on by a thread." I agree, I also think the children would learn to breathe again.

I think, IF there's to be any hope of rescuing this situation there's a LOT of talking and counselling needed. Not just you and him but the dc too. I also agree with either calmly sitting him down for a serious chat or writing him a letter. BUT that's a STARTING POINT not the resolution.

His reaction to your doing this will let you know if he's just unaware or if he's controlling/abusive.

I had a re read your post.

When he says stuff like "Did you not have time to do the windows?".

I think he is just thinking out aloud.
They are not digs at you, although they feel like that to you.

Obviously he would prefer the windows done but i dont think his intention to upset you.

So I think he just needs to learn to keep his mouth shut, or learn to be very polite and loving in the way he says anything which you might consider to be a dig and take very personally.

So you need to tell him you are not happy with the way he talks to you, and keep repeating that until he gets the message.

I'm good in a crisis but I'm so not a controlling person & I hate giving orders.

Well, it's not about you, but this is a case of X tends to be Y but Y does not necessarily tend to be X. People do often defend controlling people as being good in crises because they are. But being good in a crisis does not necessarily mean you are controlling.

But as before, it's not about you.

I just want to say, OP, that I don't think that your husband is definitively an abusive husband. I think it's quite possibly that you have worked yourself into some seriously bad habits. He's not covered himself in glory by not exploiting your kind, people-pleasing nature but he'd hardly be the first husband to do this.

Please consider recalibrating your marriage ASAP. And, as a bandaid, please get a housekeeper.

Would it be fair to say he decides on the mood of the household? IE if he's happy, everyone else feels happy. If he's in a bad mood, a black cloud enters the house.

Excellent point.

BUT and this is the big but, your children did not sign up to this. It is completely not normal, not normal at all, for children to have to tip toe on eggshells around a parent. You have normalised it.

As is this.

Loads of women endure these meal ticket marriages. It is the price they pay for the imbalance. I earned 10x my children's father so obviousyl did not have to endure this. It all comes back to money and power. i would not tolerate how he is even for a single hour. In fact I doubt I'd even have put up with him for an hour on a first date!

Great, let's get you a medal ASAP.

The responses are this thread, like many on mumsnet, are always so quick to attack the DH.

In the OPs own words: DH is very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate.

I think he just needs to a bit more careful in the way he says things some times, be a bit more considerate of the OPs feelings.

This is nothing that cant be fixed.

To start with the OP needs to tell him how he sometimes makes her feel. And keep on reminding him every time he does it.

Just for contrast. My older sister is married to a similar 'workaholic', however we're all retired now. Their marriage was pretty much 'him=earn, her=house' and this was what worked for them. BUT, my BiL is/was always kind, thoughtful, and appreciative of all she did. She facilitated his career and bore with his long days. He would no more have criticized her housekeeping or her childrearing than the man in the moon. He respected her role in keeping the home fires burning. He always made time for the family, even if it wasn't as often as she'd liked, his hobbies came second. He listened to her and valued her opinion. Whenever someone would compliment him on his business success he'd thank them and then say "I couldn't do it without her". Even though DH's and my marriage had a different dynamic in that we both worked full time and had nowhere near the finances they did, we both learnt a lot from them about balance, valuing your partner for who they are, and sharing the load.

Your husband is an inconsiderate bully who thinks you are of less 'value' than he is. If you can't get him to counseling, if you can't get him to reevaluate his attitudes, then you either need to leave or resign yourself to an unfulfilled life as an unappreciated 'maid of all work'.

What a dreadful way to treat someone! There's also a possibility that your DC will grow up to treat their DPs the same way and/or have strong memories of their childhood being all about Dad and his moods.
So no YANBU thinkong that his behaviour is out of order.

High maintenance but certainly no abusive or anything like that.

Senior, powerful, wealthy individual. Regardless of gender, fairly common to take work home and be somewhat upright and a bit controlling.

Let me guess, he relaxes enormously on holiday and reverts back to the man you fell in love with?

I really can't get over dusting the doorframe. I've never dusted a door frame!