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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 22/02/2017 22:37

Well I think you have you reason for worrying in your missive to him. If something happened to you would he have a breakdown. It certainly sounds plausible.

AmberNectarine · 22/02/2017 22:38

OP

2 things

  1. Please don't be grateful that he hasn't cheated on you - that's the least you should expect.
  1. Stop making excuses for him. My DH's father was a bastard. Physically and verbally abusive towards his mother and the children, an alcoholic, pretended to be working until the house was repossessed etc. He died when DH was in his teens. He is more determined than ever not to be a controlling, abusive, feckless prick. It is not a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think you're undervaluing yourself. You're giving him credit for being high-earning, without considering that you facilitate all that! You deserve better treatment than that which you have documented here.

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 22:49

You make a good point Haffiana. I hope I haven't done that.

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:50

Haffiana you are very kind. I don't mind being challenged though and grateful to anyone who has beared with me. Some comments are a bit harsh, sure, and people do project (as do I on other threads I'm sure), but it can be useful having things said that people may not say to my face in real life. Thankyou though.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:54

Thankyou so much everybody. I am so grateful for anyone who bothers and I hope I don't come across as a total lunatic.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 22:55

Has anybody on this thread even hinted you might be anywhere near a "lunatic" ?

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:57

No but I am starting to wonder

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 22:57

You don't need to be grateful

Msqueen33 · 22/02/2017 22:58

You're not a lunatic don't worry. I think after a while you get use to a certain norm and it doesn't feel unusual until you ask someone else. To an extent you probably doubt yourself because you're so use to the way things are.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 23:01

The only person making you feel like a lunatic would be your husband

Procrastinator1 · 22/02/2017 23:03

I wonder if you did find a job, or even voluntary work, whether it would help you and your partner to see you in a different context, a competent individual, separate from the home.

It's sometimes hard to feel and be valued as a SAHM.

Thecontentedcat · 22/02/2017 23:04

I think you need counselling to work on your boundaries, and your husband needs a regular yoga and meditation class so he can rewire his brain. This book is a good start (read it yourself everyone can benefit)
agreatread.co.uk/mindfulness-a-practical-guide-to-finding-peace-in-a-frantic-world-9780749953089/?gclid=CJnyiYHopNICFQ0R0wodU3AJoA

CocoaLeaves · 22/02/2017 23:05

Why would you be a lunatic? You are trying to make a nice home, be a loving wife and mother and it sounds like you have got lost or been eroded in the process.

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 23:16

Maybe I'm so lost I don't know I'm actually lost. Confused Or maybe my life is just what is made it so I should shut up.
I am very thankful the DC which is the main thing for me. And we're healthy.
Cat - I do a lot of yoga. Thankyou. I do try and get him doing it.
I have loads to think about (clearly) and it will take a bit of time.

OP posts:
Thecontentedcat · 22/02/2017 23:28

I have rtft now, I think your marriage and husband sound a lot better than some people are suggesting. You clearly love each other and frankly I don't understand why some posters are criticising you for being kind to the man you love!
I'm glad you do yoga, but he is the one who needs to learn how to 'be' in the moment, he is the one that needs a new practice. He is probably too wired to do that though. I know how it is in his line of work I have done what he's done.
That's why I suggested the book it is very scientific and practical, not hippydippy, (which I suspect is what he might say about yoga, I am extrapolating based on meeting many men like him, so I know I might be completely wrong!) and his brain is stuck working along certain pathways that make him stressed and snappy, even if that is not who he really is deep down.

Thecontentedcat · 22/02/2017 23:29

I don't think you are lost, I think you just need a better map.
Good luck Flowers

ShaniaTwang · 22/02/2017 23:32

You sound alright,op.

Sounds to me as though your husband makes you feel as though you are the only thing that stops him from having a mental breakdown, just like his dad.

Which is the smoke and mirrors of a controlling, self-obsessed man.

PandoraMole · 22/02/2017 23:33

I think the bottom line is that only you can decide what aspects of his behaviour are troubling or not, but you really shouldn't have to constantly modify your own behaviour to avoid a negative reaction from him.

My STBXH also refused point blank to engage with GP or counselling until I walked out, when he did a massive volte face,but by then it was too late. I let it drift for a few months to see if my feelings would change but as soon as I was certain it was over he was internet dating (less than 3 months after I left, and interspersed with the odd text to check I hadn't changed my mind Hmm).

8 months down the line he's largely returned to form which is what I suspected would happen all along.

Fwiw I don't think your DH sounds like a 100% 'bad' man, but certainly a messed up one, and only you know how much you are willing to sacrifice yourself to accommodate that if he's unwilling to seek help.

ShaniaTwang · 22/02/2017 23:34

And yes, he is wayyyy too high maintenance.

Kiwiinkits · 22/02/2017 23:57

My DH is someone who is always needing to do something and has workaholic tendencies. He puts work first whenever possible, then hobbies come next, and then any 'jobs' that need doing. As a result, it can feel like he actively chooses not to spend time with me and the children. He can never just 'be'. Like, ever.

Unless we are on holiday.

So I've found ways to channel his energy into long holidays where there is no wifi and no distractions. So he can just be with us. It has been essential for our family to have these times together.

CocoaLeaves · 23/02/2017 06:51

Apologies, by lost, I meant there was not much of you coming through here, what you like to do? Is it all DH and children? What do you do for yourself? In the nicest possible way, if you are asking if you should challenge your DH more, the question would be why you feel you cannot.

And yes, contentedcat is right, a better map would help. But the question is where (metaphorically) you want to go. What do you want your life to look like? Then what steps do you need to take?

Hopefully that makes sense, I should not have posted one line when I was exhausted!

Original poster
anonymousother · 23/02/2017 08:51

Thanks Shania. Yes the truth is I do feel I'm the thing between him and a breakdown. That is how I feel to be totally honest, but maybe I should give him more credit than that.

Cocoa - no I didn't take it in a negative way at all! To answer your question, I do feel as though so have a full life now and I'm quite good at being "present" and valuing what I do have, rather than wondering "what if?" But beyond seeing the DC grow up, my mind feels blank about where I want to go. Thst's how I can best describe it.

OP posts:
LemonMoose · 23/02/2017 09:30

Being the thing between him and a breakdown just isn't a sustainable way to live though.

It sounds to me as if, in a nutshell, his needs come first, before yours and before your DC. At the moment, that is a sacrifice you are prepared to make (and I agree with pp that you should, in any case, be questioning the effects of this on you children, who are not in a position to decide whether they are willing to do this).

But, even if you are sure that the benefits make it worth always putting his needs first - walking on eggshells, being "on duty" and non relaxed in your own home - what will happen if the situation changes?

What if you are ill and are not able to put him first? What if one of your DC has problems which can't be neatly tidied away before their father gets home? What will happen then? It just seems to me that you are walking on a tightrope.

Fakenewsday · 23/02/2017 09:43

i also think anyone can develop resilience, at any age. This is what he doesn't have. My DH went into a total funk when we had a second DC and he didn't get any attention, but in the end he's started to sort himself out and appreciate that I needed help and things are better. I don't feel either of you has to be stuck or settle, there are plenty of ways you can change routines and behaviours for the better at any age.

TENSHI · 23/02/2017 09:48

I am sorry if I'm going against the grain here but I try to be openminded in any advice.

If you are finding it difficult to live with a narcissist but really do not want to leave then there is another whole other method of coping which is widespread and embraced around the world.

Google how to be a good muslim wife and you will find they are advised to put the husband first, be obedient to all his demands, understand his moods and anticipate them (as you have been doing) and understand that he is doing his best for you and the family and therefore beyond reproach.

Yes you can all flame this advice but actually this is the ONLY way to find comfort rather than suffer in silence if your situation is unchangeable. All you can do is change your response to it rather than expecting him to change.

If you don't think you could cope with this kind of selflessness (not having the love of a god you worship to help you would be hard without a doubt and I'm not suggesting you convert!)then seriously op, you need to put yourself first because your breakdown is not in anyone in your family's interests, least of yours.