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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:02

I do appreciate all your comments, it's just a lot. I do talk to friends in real life and none of then seem particularly shocked by his behaviour, so I don't know why this is so different.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:04

He would not do counselling or go to the doctor.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/02/2017 22:05

What is great about life?

PageStillNotFound404 · 22/02/2017 22:05

What sort of friends? Old friends you've known since before you were with DH? Friends in very similar situations to your own?

AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 22:07

Gotta laugh at the advice to do counselling with him

This guy has it made and op dances attendance to his superiority

Why would he think for one minute he needs to change a thing ? Hilarious.

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 22:08

That's a bit harsh AF.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 22:09

I guess the friends that don't bat an eyelid are married to similar entitled men

There's a lot of it about

And every one of those women are not living an authentic life. Just like you, op

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:11

Well I have uni friends who have known him for years and they kind of know what it's like but they think I have a privileged life in general. Other mums round here are in a similar set up, the ones I see day to day. Some of them seem to think he's amazing.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 22:12

I am sure he is very charming.

What difference does that make to how you are living your life ?

CocoaLeaves · 22/02/2017 22:14

Intense sounds like you can't relax when he is there, because it is all about his needs and making sure everything is in place and done right. Wearing.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/02/2017 22:15

How would he react if you got a job?

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:18

I do think I'm living an authentic life though. In RL I don't really care what people think. I have my kids and I have my husband. At least I know what I'm dealing with.
He has never cheated on me. There is a lot of that kind of anxiety in the cases if some of my friends. I trust him. We've been through a lot. I feel like a entitled fool to be moaning about anything in many ways.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 22/02/2017 22:20

Have you posted about him before?

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:21

Well yes I guess I can't just slob out or ignore him when he's here so it's not fully relaxing.
He has never mentioned about me getting a job. Life just kind of took over I think.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 22/02/2017 22:22

I MNet and discuss with DH. It's been one of our principal talking points. Marvelous help prior to marriage (2nd) for discussing our points of view and what we would do in hypothetical situations. Wouldn't interest your DH I suspect as all your attention should be focused on him.

I think you need to have a talk- or write it for him. Maybe point out the potential pit falls in his parenting style.

Say you think if something happened to you he would not cope. That he needs to look at his priorities. What is he running from by his obsession with being busy?

I'd write a long missive with stuff you've read here that rings bells. Couch it in terms of concern for him. As long as it's put in those terms rather than criticism he'll probably listen (and not change at all).

derxa · 22/02/2017 22:22

There is a happy medium between seeing this man as a sex pest and a loving husband though. I suspect that neither of you are 100% happy but who is?

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:22

Not on my own thread.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 22/02/2017 22:25

Sounds very stressful if you can't relax when he's at home.

derxa · 22/02/2017 22:25

What is he running from by his obsession with being busy? I think this is the key point. He's like a coiled spring.

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 22:29

Food for thought OP. An awful lot of people: School mums, DH's friends pre-dating me, his sisters my mother have said he's difficult and demanding. Nobody thinks he's charming. He's not. He's generally a bit difficult, a bit unsociable, an incredible brain but at the heart of it decent, honest and kind and I've always stuck up for him. It's about what you think not what others think.

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 22:29

Yes he is a coiled spring.
His own father was schizophrenic and they think what triggered it was a mental breakdown he suffered after he got thrown out of his own country and never got fully back on his feet after arriving in the UK as an asylum seeker.

OP posts:
CocoaLeaves · 22/02/2017 22:34

One of the things I realised with my ex H was that I was not able to relax when he was there, i was on alert. Once you stop dancing to his tune, what happens? Because that is the question. I realised things went fine when my attention went to meeting his needs, conflict when I did not. Once I realised that, I also started to notice that I was anxious in the run up to him being there.

That's just my experience but pay attention to your own needs and whether you are ignoring them and how your body feels when you do.

derxa · 22/02/2017 22:35

Do you think he fears that if he stopped to reflect it would all come crashing down?

Haffiana · 22/02/2017 22:35

I am getting increasingly uncomfortable reading some of the responses to the OP. She originally asked if she should challenge her husband more, and like all of us she wanted to hear the opinions of others who are outside the situation and therefore may have a fresher perspective.

This is being twisted into a demonisation of her husband instead. I am beginning to think that some posters on this thread need to address their own issues instead of projecting them. If you are so busy searching for evidence of abuse that you are not listening to the OP then this IS ALSO a form of abuse.

CocoaLeaves · 22/02/2017 22:36

Oh, and exH was charm personified. Ever seen the charm slip? That is the real person.