Is DH too high-maintenance?

[anonymousother]

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" . Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

I think sometimes as well these men don't seem what you think is bad. They don't gamble, hit us, not verbally abusive, financially controlling and we can't see that how they act is bad just in a way you wouldn't typically expect. My dh isn't what I'd call a bad person. He's not horrible or nasty but he is arrogant, thoughtless and selfish and I don't like the way he talks to the kids. It's a different type of badness that feels away from the typical norm of what you'd expect a bad person to be.

Thankyou -DH not in yet so just checking in as it may be tricky later!
I do think my kids have minds of their own, I'm not worried about that. I just had never thought that DS would turn into the financially-driven type. Maybe he will change his mind. He does tell me "I'm not messing around you know. You only live once".
As I say his dad has trained him and nearly got him his black belt in various martial arts and they are building a car when DH has time to take him to the garages. So they do have a relationship and it's not totally dire.

The girls are both very different in many ways but they can already manipulate DH and it's ridiculous to watch most of the time. DD1 did once announce from the back of the car that she's not bothered about jobs as she can just get married I did out her straight on that and told DH to stop laughing. Apart from that, they all have loads of interests and I hope they're happy. We both tell the kids how proud we are of them and how much we love them because it's true.

MsQueen - are you separating from him?

I took was your ds said completely the other way-he sees it as his responsibility to bring in money and get a house for his family, but he wants to do that as early as possible, so he can then wind down and spend more time at home while his children are young (possibly unlike his Dad?)
It will be really important to make sure he knows as he gets older that if he is not financially successful, he is not automatically a failure.

*what

This sounds like an arrangement, rather than a partnership or relationship.

Your DH may have lost sight of his priorities in the hustle and bustle of family life in London. When challenged he will reference the need to maintain the standard of living you all enjoy. Yours isn't a unique set up.

If you're unhappy with this, you both need to go right back to the beginning, to basics.

My DH can be a bit like this. Noticing little things and nitpicking are a stress thing for him. I do do the chucking a cloth at him and that has worked to some extent. Before, I used to feel guilty and think 'OMG, I forgot to clean that.' Part of it was that I felt that I had no other role and felt guilty for not working f/t and I think he felt a bit jealous of me being at home and I kept having to reiterate that just because I was at home, it didn't mean I wasn't busy. I also drummed into him that I was there for the kids, not the house and that, if I didn't have them, I'd be working f/t and no one would be at home cleaning and he'd have to do half as before.

If my husband told me that the windows were dirty and needed cleaning; he would be either joking or about to do it himself. I work parttime, him full time, we have two kids and I have a long term mental health issue that often puts me 'out of service' for a few days, or even weeks at a time. And yet he still treats me as an equal, despite the fact that sometimes he has to act as my career.

If you became ill, what would he do? Would you be able to rely on him? Just something to consider.

*carer not career

Your dd announced that she isn't bothered about getting a job, she can just get married?! Seriously? It is shocking that you have brought up a girl to think like that in the 21st century.

And what will happen to her? She will lead a life like yours - tiptoeing around the big important man like a second class citizen.

It's worrying that you are living in the 1950's - husband out to work with the little woman at home with the children, looking after house and no career and your children are being brought up with the same attitudes.

Is there any reason why you don't work?

All my friends think he's fantastic.

Are you sure? Because that was what I thought until my stbxh's behaviour took a turn for the worse and I confided in a couple of them.

They all admitted there had been several times when they'd been horrified by his attitude towards me.

I left last year and have managed to stay in touch with all our mutual friends and my younger BIL and his family.

People are not as oblivious to this kind of thing as you might think.

Y'all sound like you have a great life! And he seems like a good husband and father. I would keep trying to make his home life peaceful (since he is stressing all day at work). Maybe you could kid around with him a little and get him to lighten up. I'd say your approval means a lot to him. Just ignore the dusty door stuff it doesn't mean anything.

Dhs cousins dd said she wanted to get married and not work. I was shocked she was thinking like that at 17. Her father is a good breadwinner and mother sahm with a bit of land and a few animals and her/kids hobbies to occupy her time. Perhaps it was flippant. However, there are girls out there, who think like this. She's intelligent, talented and intending on going to university later this year.

Morning - he has gone for a run with the dog.
I didn't talk to him last night as we were both quite tired and he had other ideas.

TENSHi - thankyou for the links. Also I'm thinking about how I actually feel.

About my daughter, I'm not worried too much. She's in an academic girls school where she has friends from all cultures and backgrounds with mum's doing all kinds of things. She's bright and has every opportunity to do whatever she wants - inc. raising children if it comes to that.

If things had been different maybe I would have returned to work. On balance, in our situation, it seemed more hassle than it was worth.

My OH was kind of like this, always pointed out when he spotted something dirty. (He usually obsessed over windows and tv)

He thought I would appreciate his comments as I obviously didn't notice

He's now in charge of windows and mirrors & honestly he's like a proud baby when he's done.

Even our toddler makes a fuss when daddy's polished the tv.

I've thought about leaving. But with two kids with Sen I'm not sure how easy it would be. He's not a complete bastard and thankfully doesn't moan about my cleaning which is a plus I just feel our relationship is mediocre at best. Plus he has a lot of the savings and I have no income. Love I think counts for a lot but it doesn't conquer all and life is too short to be miserable. You can only talk and he'll choose whether to listen and if he doesn't. Maybe there is your answer. Good luck as when kids are involved it's never easy.

I work back and forth between the UK and a place with a lot of UK expats. I know heaps of women (and a few men) in marriages like this.

Many have never worked, a few have part time 'hobby jobs' to get them out of the house. One partner inevitably makes an obscene amount of money. The children, if any, are usually in school full-time or sometimes in boarding school.

Are they madly happy? Usually not - the working partner generally works very long hours and often travels for work for days/weeks at a time. They are often demanding at home re housework and meals etc (although most I know have more domestic help than 2 days a week).

However, that is the life they both choose, the worker has to work longer and harder to support the family that they want and the stay at home partner has to commit to a certain amount of 'drudgery'. But they also get a huge amount of free time, no work, a nice place to live, and no worries about school fees/plenty of holidays/spending money.

They obviously mainly feel that the exchange is a fair or advantageous one, as it's very rare for those couples of my acquaintance to split up. And honestly, the shock of lifestyle change to the non-working partner in the few instances when they have split has been massive. The working partner usually just hires in help in the interim and gets a new non-working partner pretty quickly.

I used to be a bit judgy about these sorts of relationships, and it certainly wouldn't work for me, but having seen the carnage that seems to go with a split, I really think you should think carefully before chucking it in.

McQueen - it doesn't sound right that the savings are all in his name? Even if you stay with him that can't be right surely? Maybe check your rights with a solicitor?

NotWeaving - I don't think I mentioned throwing it all in? I was more asking for perspectives really.

I really don't think we are in an arrangement of convenience, as someone called it. I am still very much in love with my husband and we're lucky that the attraction and that side of things is still there. We go out together, just us, fairly regularly and there is nobody else I'd rather be with. I can honestly say that. Rather than mediocre, I would say our relationship (from my perspective) has fantastic parts interspersed with extremely frustrating moments when I feel like I lose a sense of self and normal perspective. It can be a bit suffocating and emotionally draining.

I too know many women in my kind of position - probably 70 per cent at the prep DD2 attends. I think most of them don't work because the financial benefit to the family would be insignificant compared to the benefit of them being at home.

I do know that the DC and I would be fine in the event if a split. To be honest, I still would not have to work, but would quite probably choose to as a single person. That would be the difference. In this sense, I don't feel that I've taken a gamble with my financial security. There are no misgivings there.

The thread has been very helpful and
thankyou again.

I would like to know when you consider would be the 'right' time for him to ask about the windows or the dust on the door frame? Is there ever one? Could it also be said that you don't take criticism well? And that the real difference between you is that you are careful when criticising, and he is not? That he lets you know that he doesn't like being criticised, and you also don't like it, but don't tell him and tell us instead?

I think you would really enjoy having some assertiveness training.

Haffiana - possibly. He is very honest, I will give him that.
I don't like being criticised, least of all by him. Maybe I am over-sensitive? I do think there are ways of doing it though.

It's not just criticism, though, is it? Pointing out dust to. Your wife instead of doing it yourself is saying 'I am above these things but she is not.' The dynamic is wrong. Husband and wife should be a team

Pointing out dust to. Your wife instead of doing it yourself is saying 'I am above these things but she is not.' The dynamic is wrong. Husband and wife should be a team

but they have a cleaner so why would any of them do it? maybe what he was saying is there dust on the door, windows are dirty why aren't you on top of the cleaner - that's part of your role as SAHP - you see the cleaner when they come.

He asked her op if she'd done the windows, though.

It might possibly have been some comment about my supervision of the cleaner, but it annoys me for two reasons -

A) He has no interest whatsoever in "interiors" in general. Everything in this house I have chosen / organised. When I got new sofas in one of the rooms a few months ago, it took him over a week to notice that. Yet he can notice dust on the top of a door.

B) The comment came as he was off on one of his bike rides which he does with a whole group of people and they take all day. He does this regularly. I am more than happy for him to do this as he is training for an event. However, what I was thinking as he was passing out the door was - "It's the last day of half- term and yet again we've left all the homework to the last minute. And I need to get DD1 to a party in North London and it will take ages and DD2 will be moaning that I have to drag her along because there's nobody to leave her with. And now she is saying something about a science project..and so on"
DH is not aware of any of this so this is what irks me, even though I want him to do his hobbies because it does him good. I don't bother telling him because what is the point? He is in a totally different mindset. It's lots of little things that all add up.