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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH too high-maintenance?

554 replies

anonymousother · 21/02/2017 10:20

I have no idea if IABU given the wider scheme of things.

Basically, DH is an extreme workaholic and I had to accept long ago that there's very little I can do about this because he becomes highly defensive and I feel out of my depth. He runs his own companies and has no concept of any division between work and family time, but again, this has become normal to me. Also I appreciate it facilitates our lifestyle, so can't really complain.

We have DS1 (12), DD1 (11) and DD2 (9).

My main AIBU is about DH's "moods" which can be quite volatile and very much influenced by frustrations at work, etc. At times, it seems like his mood fluctuates in line with the FT Index, it really does! So because he is so highly strung, I feel like I can't criticise him at all really. He doesn't take critcism well at all, unless I'm really careful. I also have had to compensate for his stress levels at home because I'm aware of the impact it could have on the DC. So basically, I do my best to keep him on an even-keel.

I tend to give him info about the DC on a "need to know basis" and choose a time when he is likely to be receptive. In contrast, he will almost daily want to offload about work to me and will expect me to drop everything at any given moment and give him my full attention for the duration. He gets annoyed, for instance, if he feels I'm not looking at him, even if I'm obviously in the middle of doing something else.

When he's stressed he tends to "nit -pick" about ridiculous things and it wears me down. For instance, yesterday he went on an 8 hour bike ride (one of his many hobbies) and as as he was on his way out he said to me, "There is dust in the top of that door frame" Hmm. Or this morning, DD1 was close to tears about going to school because her friend is being mean to her and it was the general bustle of trying to get 3 DC out the door - meanwhile, from him, it's "Where did you put xx shirt" (when it's in the wardrobe in front of his eyes) and "Did you not have time to do the windows?" and other pointless questions which feel like digs and could just wait.

I should add that the house is NOT dirty or a mess. I have a cleaner twice a week and I clean / tidy up in between. I never ask him to take any house related stuff on, but when he's in one of his moods he will find the one thing I forgot to do.

In contrast, I know DH would do anything for me. He's very kind and extremely generous, very affectionate, always tells me he loves me and so on. All my friends think he's fantastic.

AIBU because, on balance, I'm very fortunate. Should I continue to let a lot of things go over my head or should I start to challenge him more?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 22/02/2017 16:18

Does he do any housework or cooking?

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 16:25

No, except he will do the bins if he's here. He will make me a cup of tea or other drink. He will do DIY if in the mood, but usually just gets someone in.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 22/02/2017 16:33

You've mentioned his bike riding hobby and training for an event. Do you get any time to yourself for hobbies or going out with friends?

Fintress · 22/02/2017 16:44

My ex husband was a workaholic and moody at times and a text book narcissist. Yes he was generous with material things but I felt as if I was constantly walking on eggshells around him and it was hell. We ended up divorced and a few weeks after he moved out someone asked if I had had botox as I looked 10 years younger (I hadn't).

I'm now married to a lovely man who is the complete opposite and when I look back I am mad at myself for being such a fool for not getting out earlier. It was bad enough walking on eggshells myself nevermind having children involved. You have my complete sympathy and I wish you well, just think about the longterm impact your husband's behaviour is having on you and your children.

derxa · 22/02/2017 16:53

Does he do any housework or cooking? Why should he?

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 17:42

Derxa - I don't expect him to do anything in the house.
Parker - I get time yes, now that they're all in school so it's fine..

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2017 18:10

Op, you are living in a gilded cage

Parker231 · 22/02/2017 18:21

Sorry I didn't ask my question properly - what if you want to have a day at the Spa one weekend or do a weekly class at the gym on an evening - is that going to be a problem or are you stuck with only being able to take some time for yourself during school hours?

derxa · 22/02/2017 18:32

You need to have a full and frank discussion. You are feeling a lot of rage which should be aired.

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 18:49

AnyF - I would hate to think if it as a cage. This has been 15 years of my life!

Parker - I admit I wouldn't go off for the day on a weekend, no. It's not that he would stop me, but I would feel guilty doing it. So that's my own fault really. I wouldn't leave him in the house to organise the kids. Similarly I wouldn't go out in weeknights, unless it was someone's birthday, etc as it just feels like there's too much to do. Maybe that's not normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 18:50

I do have loads of friends though and am never bored in the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 18:56

Come to think of it now, I've only been away in my own one night since DS was born and he is 12. That was a wedding of an old friend in Ireland. I think DS was 3 and DD was 1 and my mum stayed to help.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 22/02/2017 18:58

As AF said, you are living in a gilded cage.

Parker231 · 22/02/2017 19:00

I'm sorry it sounds quite a sad existence. Both DH and I have busy and for filling careers and have (hopefully) successfully jointly raised our DT's - now at Uni. I always felt I had time to go out in the evening to the gym or to see friends for something like a couple of glasses of wine and a pizza. DH is their father and I never felt he couldn't feed and get the DT's to bed.

Do you have financial equality?

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 19:10

Yes we always had joint bank accounts and he doesn't mind me buying anything or asks sny questions. A lot of things are in my name time in trust for the DC.

OP posts:
AmberNectarine · 22/02/2017 19:11

Yeah, he sounds like a bit of a dick.

My DH is also a workaholic - 16h days as standard. I have never cleaned the windows - I don't really care enough. He doesn't either, though kindly did them recently when the house was on the market (unprompted).

It wouldn't occur to him to nitpick - he is really grateful for anything I do (I also work 4 days pw in the same field).

Also, he'd no sooner piss off for 8h on a weekend than fly to the moon, given his workload - he doesn't see the kids Mon-Fri as he's out of the house before they wake and back long after they fall asleep - he treasures his time with them. I bugger off for the weekend a few times a year (I do all pick ups and drop offs for school though).

A heavy workload does not an arsehole make.

PageStillNotFound404 · 22/02/2017 19:17

What do you think he would say if you suddenly told him that you only tell him X% of what's happening with his children, not because they've asked you not to for any reason but because over the years you've come to feel he's not interested in knowing it all?

Would he thank you for taking the pressure off him and leaving him time to concentrate on the "important" things, or would he be horrified to learn he's missing out on so much. And if the latter, would he blame you for being selective or his own behaviour for having conditioned you into filtering?

paulapantsdown · 22/02/2017 19:19

Bloody hell, that's a gilded cage you live in. I would rather be with my DH, who is my partner, both working full time and counting the pennies every month, than be with a husband like yours. He sounds fucking awful.

I have read three threads on here today where women describe awful, entitled, bullying, general wanker like behaviours and then go on about how wonderful they are! Makes no sense to me - I wouldn't stay married to a man like yours for a week.

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 19:25

Page - I really have no idea what he would say to that. I think he feels he is very close to the kids, despite his working hours, travel and hobbies because his own father was horrendous and abusive in my opinion. - so he thinks he's doing a good job. He never shouts st them or hits them which was his own experience growing up.

He is out tonight, hence the MN ing grin]

OP posts:
Heyheyheygoodbye · 22/02/2017 19:30

I don't think your situation sounds awful or abusive but I do think you need to have a proper conversation and make it clear everything you do that makes it possible for him to live the way he does. For example, I would list the things you were thinking about when he mentioned the dust, so that he can understand why it irked you. It sounds like you've drifted apart despite spending time together - communication is always the key.

I would also have a 'you know where the dusters are' comment ready for next time!

Orangetoffee · 22/02/2017 19:34

It is all quite sad, everything revolves around him. You can be on mn only because he is out, your freedom is limited to school hours, you can't talk to him until he is in the right mood, not too tired or has other plans, he knows his children on a need to know basis and all the while he can do whatever he wants and when he wants.
That is not a partnership.

Graphista · 22/02/2017 19:36

You clearly don't feel comfortable/safe mning when he's around - why?

You definitely need to sit down and have a serious talk with him particularly given the way the Dc are thinking. Sounds like you need some conversations with them too.

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 19:42

I posted much earlier in the thread. And a couple of things have struck me.

Firstly you are entering the between sytage where your dc don't need your attention all the time and their developing independence.

Secondly the void is being filled with discontent.

I went back to work when my youngest was settled at primary. Part-time at first and then got the opportunity to study for professional quals of I went full time.

It gave me something to focus on beyond home and family and also grounded me back to reality. I have a job I love now the children are grown. They have had a mother who is a role model and DH and his colleagues take me more seriously. I earn less than one tenth of my DH's earnings but I have a focus and a pension!

It was positive in the context of our relationship (26 years - went back after about 12) and we are closer now than when we were in newly wed halcyon days. Also I look around and see women in their 50s left for a younger model - if they haven't worked for 25 years it's pretty grim for them. Don't end up one of those.

But I empathise. DH is a workaholic (7.30-9) and it's hard for others to contemplate some of the sacrifice needed to support that level of success and the ego/absence that can go with it.

Good luck. Branch out and be your own woman so there is something positive and tangible in the event that things don't work out

OhTheRoses · 22/02/2017 19:47

And I was going to say, yes the cage is gilded but the door needs to be wide open so you can fly home when you need to and want to. Very occasionally I've had to knock DH off his perch in the cage and tell him afew home truths but Tha happens in a healthy marriage. If I can't or he won't take it and reflect after a day or three then you might need to take stock.

Original poster
anonymousother · 22/02/2017 19:48

I wouldn't be on MN if he was here as he would ask me what I was doing.

OP posts: