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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think thank you cards for every baby gift a bit much?

291 replies

likeacrow · 21/02/2017 08:28

I might be. Or lazy. But we've had loads of little token gifts already and baby clothes, which is so lovely and generous but do we then do a thank you card for everybody? We've done them for our respective parents who've bought big items for us but do we include every colleague who has, for instance, given a cute jumper reduced in the sale or a pair of booties on offer?
I've never expected a thank you card when I've given little token presents like baby clothes to friends and I'm not just saying that to justify me not doing it! I've just always found a verbal thank you sufficient
Especially from sleep deprived new parents.
One of my best friends however thinks I should do personalised thank you cards for everyone who's given anything. She doesn't have kids. She's made it very clear she wants a card with a photo of the baby (when born) to say thank you for the outfit she bought us plus personalised message.

We've not even had (our first) baby yet btw!
Genuinely interested in opinions and approaches here as personally I think thank you cards for every last token gift is a bit much.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 23/02/2017 18:00

Daisies I hope you told the people how you feel about the gifts they sent you so they didn't bother again. Also, if the parcels were Royal Mail you could have arranged redelivery or got them sent to your local post office.

I can imagine what you class as 'piles of baby crap' would be thought of as thoughtful gifts to lots of other people.

maybeshesawomble · 23/02/2017 18:23

If the baby's not born yet why not write them now before the sleep deprivation etc.? Confused

Deejoda · 23/02/2017 19:22

I never do thank you cards. Will say verbally in person or send photos with thank you via whatsapp or text. I did send small gifts and personalised moonpig cards to my 2 lovely midwives though (6 weeks later).

deliverdaniel · 23/02/2017 19:30

I think you should. It's pretty ungrateful not to. Buy a stack of cards and stamps before the birth- write the ones you can do already before the birth. A few lines is fine. You are probably spending more time on mumsnet talking about it, than it would take you to actually do it.

chatnanny · 23/02/2017 21:46

I don't mind if I get a thank you verbally, a short note, text, phone call or email many months later but I can't abide the rudeness of not acknowledging a gift so that you literally don't know if it's been received. My DD had a crash C section abroad and decided to do each thank you as the presents tricked in which worked well for her.

Daisies123 · 23/02/2017 21:52

Ironically I think thank yous are important, so everyone who sent something got thanked. Eventually. I ended up with PND so it took a while. If I felt differently about thank yous I wouldn't have ended up so overwhelmed! I wish now I'd spent more time with DD and just ignored the pile of stuff and sod the thank yous.

Maybe it is consumerism gone mad? We had a similar problem at our wedding (7 years ago) and DD's Christening last year. We just wanted to enjoy people's company on the day so said we didn't need any gifts but please make a donation to cancer research if people wanted to do something. We ended up with a pile of presents both times, and ended up spending our honeymoon writing thank yous. My BIL was most amused and eyed up the pile, remarking that he'd followed the instruction about no gifts! Why do people have this urge to buy unnecessary stuff?!

Daisies123 · 23/02/2017 22:05

What would others think of as thoughtful baby gifts then? Things we appreciated receiving or would have loved to get were:

  • food, freezer, batch cooked etc.
  • lifts to and from hospital, shops etc
  • someone to hold baby/take for walk whilst we slept
  • vouchers for things like Mothercare (this was gift from our elderly neighbours- who said 'we have no idea what you already have, so we thought this would help')
  • future babysitting offers
  • seasonally appropriate practical baby clothes in more than 3-6 month size

Thoughtless baby presents:

  • baby clothes in smaller than 3 month size
  • impractical baby clothes (one particularly memorable romper in scratchy fabric with no nappy opening so you had to take the whole thing off for each change), any babygro that doesn't have press studs down the front
  • soft toys
  • books/magazines about other people's parenting methods you have no intention of using
twobarnsmammisonthebus · 24/02/2017 06:27

Those are not thoughtless gifts, they are gifts that you didn't like. I still don't think the problem lies with the gift giver here!

beargrass · 24/02/2017 06:49

I'm really quite surprised at the number of people seemingly angry about gifts they didn't like! We can all trot out stories about how hard it was after having a baby but even if notes / cards are sent second class a while after, it's still very rude not to.

But don't worry, if the idea of being polite bothers you that much, you won't have to do it for the baby's first birthday or any subsequent babies because people who don't say thanks tend not to get thought again in the gift department.

Daisies123 · 24/02/2017 07:12

Gifts that were impractical to use/weren't something we needed = thoughtless gifts. And say more about the giver than anything else. I honestly think people go mad as soon as a baby is mentioned and love having an excuse to visit the baby clothes section.

This thread has been a wake up call though. Have decided to lose the thank you anxiety and stop sending thank yous for everything. I also hope it's made people have a think about what they send as new baby presents - please please think of those parents of newborn before buying mountains of stuff!

twobarnsmammisonthebus · 24/02/2017 07:37

I think that's incredibly sad. But as I said before we aren't going to agree so we'll have to disagree!

NerrSnerr · 24/02/2017 07:50

Well, I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant and if anyone fancies sending me a 'thoughtless gift' I'd me more than happy. Baby clothes, soft toys the lot. We'll even send you a card with a cute baby photo on it.

We got loads of generous gifts after my daughter was born, none of it was junk. All gratefully received.

ToffeeForEveryone · 24/02/2017 07:56

We didn't do personalised messages (who can keep track of who gave what when you've got your first newborn to deal with!). We used an app to send a thank you post card to everyone though a couple of weeks later - same picture, same message.

Your "friend" sounds a bit mean TBH. You don't give gifts to get a thank you card.

maamalady · 24/02/2017 07:59

Getting stuff you don't want is not thoughtless so much as misguided. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean the giver didn't spend a while choosing! For all you know, that gift may have been chosen carefully - perhaps the giver has heard someone say that they prefer poppers at the crotch only as then the baby doesn't get a draughty belly, so has chosen a sleepsuits without poppers down the front on purpose.

It is distinctly ungrateful to categorise these gifts as thoughtless. My DH's grandma loves to send our children presents - often they are inappropriate (a mountain of chocolate for a young baby, for instance), but we know she is giving them with love. That's what matters.

meditrina · 24/02/2017 08:28

(who can keep track of who gave what when you've got your first newborn to deal with!)

Anyone with a notebook, who jots down what was given alongside the name of the person who gave it.

I agree it's a skill to write thank you letters effortlessly, and it is one that seems to be learned in childhood. Though of course every birthday and Christmas and your wedding (if you have one) all give catch-up opportunities.

SmellySphinx · 24/02/2017 08:35

I wouldn't get sniffy about giving a gift and not receiving a thank you card or note or anything really! It's a gift that you give for the baby and the parents to make life easier and because you're a nice person...isn't it? I think either a thank you in person, a text or if it's something significant gift wise then a card or small note is plenty.

I think people who whinge about not getting cards - personalised...with pictures (the fuck) - are dicks.

LilacSpatula · 24/02/2017 08:40

I'd much rather that my friend spent more time with their new baby rather than writing out my thank you card. I haven't sent any.

catkind · 24/02/2017 11:45

Daisies, there are things on your "thoughtless" list that would be on our "love to have" list. Plus people who haven't had babies would often have no idea anyway, however long and carefully they thought about it.

For example we loved to have gift outfits in small sizes, we hadn't bought small outfits ourselves as had loads of handmedowns so it wasn't a necessity, just a little luxury - little luxuries are an ideal thing to get as gifts. On the other hand supposedly seasonally appropriate clothes in bigger sizes I'd classify as - not thoughtless but maybe a bit risky; one of my babies grew 2 sizes ahead so supposedly seasonally appropriate was exactly out of season.

Generally I think I put huge amounts of effort into thinking what people would like as gifts. But as receivers we, and the vast majority of people, are just grateful that someone has put the thought into getting a gift at all. Particularly those little tokens from people you wouldn't think would go to the trouble. It's really touching, not thoughtless, however wrong they might get it.

Deejoda · 24/02/2017 12:00

I am with catkind I have bought very few clothes for my DD who is now 11mo. My lovely sister supplied lots of hand-me-downs from my DN and the rest were from all our lovely friends. None were thoughtless even if because of changing seasons DD didn't get to wear a small proportion. All gifts are gratefully received here and regifted/given to charity where we couldn't use the rare item.

twobarnsmammisonthebus · 24/02/2017 12:17

What Catkind said!

creamycrackers · 24/02/2017 12:20

My SIL always writes Thank you cards and now that her Dc are old enough she has them do the same on every birthday, easter, christmas etc. I personally do not have the time or money to do that and I know it really bugs my SIL because she expects others to do it. Personally I think a 'Thank you' when you see or speak to the gift giver is quite sufficient and I always encourage my Dc to do the same.

cantmakeme · 24/02/2017 12:21

I don't think it has to be in the form of a card - nothing wrong with a text / email / phone call.

mumofmunchkin · 24/02/2017 12:22

For our first baby, we used vistaprint to get a pile of postcards with the baby's picture on one side and "Thank you for your gift! Lots of love x, y and z" and posted them to everyone.

For our second baby, I texted people to say thanks as I unwrapped the gifts :)

Daisies123 · 24/02/2017 15:57

LOL definitely this is why people should check in advance and why I only buy gifts for close friends! A friend of ours said she would like to buy us some baby clothes and what would we like/need. We suggested babygros in 3m+ size, not pink and with fastenings down the front. She got the fun of shopping for something she knew was needed and appreciated, we got something we could use. She received profuse and genuine thanks.

DD wears almost entirely secondhand stuff so I'm not fussed about having new things. I can't see the point in saying you can always give it to the charity shop. We often did with the presents we didn't need, but we'd still had to spend time dealing with them and sending the thank yous.

Still have the horrors about coming home from hospital after eight nights in, had been desperate to get home with DD. And came through the door to find a huge pile of stuff that needed dealing with. Horrible feeling.

carefreeeee · 24/02/2017 16:25

As long as they thank me in some form (verbal/text/email/card) then that is perfectly fine. New parents are usually pretty busy!

Wedding gifts I think a written thank you is nice but again, any form of thank you is fine. It's quite rude not to send anything!

Within a maximum of 6 months is acceptable