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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want his ExW knowing my salary?

64 replies

EagledWingsofRefuge · 20/02/2017 07:47

DP got divorced long before I met him but stupidly didn't get a clean break order. Now he's finally doing it and he's just been sent the declaration form. It's much more extensive than we'd both thought it would be. As we live together it asks for details of my salary and for copies of his bank statements for our joint account. AIBU in not wanting his ExW to know this sort of information about me / us? I'm guessing he doesnt have a choice but to fill it in if he actually wants to move forward but still, I really really don't like it!

OP posts:
Angrybird123 · 20/02/2017 07:51

It's to do with need on both sides. As your DP is cohabiting, sharing bills etc his need will be less than if he was living alone. I assume this is for splitting assets not ongoing maintenance so it's kind of predicated on current situation. I can't imagine the ex is all that interested in you if they split years ago.

HecateAntaia · 20/02/2017 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonyaya · 20/02/2017 07:53

YANBU to be uncomfortable but as you say, he doesn't have a choice. There are good reasons the court wants to know, as outlined by angrybird

HermioneJeanGranger · 20/02/2017 08:21

Blame your DP for not doing it years ago!

As you have joint finances/live together, the court needs to know his household finances, which they won't get a clear picture of without knowing your income.

I'm not sure it'll even be revealed to the ex.

SlatternIsTrying · 20/02/2017 08:32

I had this problem with the CSA years ago.

I had nothing to do with DH's divorce. He was paying child support. He moved in with me some time later and they wanted to know my salary. I refused to tell them. DH, then DP, didn't know. It went round in circles for a bit and they finally made an assumption as to my earnings.

Let me stress, at all times DH was paying child support. I absolutely failed to see why my income was relevant. Why should my earnings, which DH had no access to, be used to affect his payments to the children.

hibbledobble · 20/02/2017 09:19

I assume your dp has received legal advice?

Your opinion as to whether you want ex wife to know or not is irrelevant, either he has to declare your income or he doesn't.

sunshinesupermum · 20/02/2017 09:22

You aren't married so not sure why your income has to be declared. When I divorced, my (gay) ex was with a new partner whose income was never disclosed as part of the Consent Order, even though I know he was on a good salary. Get your DP to check with his solicitor before completing the form.

Original poster
EagledWingsofRefuge · 20/02/2017 09:39

It says even if your cohabiting or intend to cohabit you need to declare it, so it doesn't matter that we're not married.

I don't blame anyone but DP! But unfortunately ExW is all that interested in me even though she really shouldn't be as long as I'm treating her daughter well!

angry they don't have any assets so I really don't understand why it's necessary!

OP posts:
Original poster
EagledWingsofRefuge · 20/02/2017 09:41

hibble that's a bit harsh re my opinion is irrelevant! So he shouldn't care how it makes me feel? Yes I get it that he has to declare it but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

OP posts:
inkydinky · 20/02/2017 09:54

I've recently (July 2016) had a clean break order and my ex H absolutely did not have to declare his girlfriends income, only his own even though they were living together so I am surprised by this. I don't even recall there being space on the form for him to do so! I'd get some advice.

2014newme · 20/02/2017 09:57

She means irrelevant in the eyes of the law and in making this agreement. It's about financial facts not feelings.
She is right you will need to keep emotions out of it.

Applebite · 20/02/2017 09:59

My friend is going through the same thing. In a nutshell: his ex is arguing that he has more money (to give her) because my friend is splitting the rent and bills with him. Therefore they want to see her income to see what she is contributing and therefore how much spare cash he has.

Original poster
EagledWingsofRefuge · 20/02/2017 10:00

Thanks inky he's going to phone his soliticor today.

2014 facts or not I don't see why the fact I earn x amount is irrelevant. I wasn't part of the divorce, I didn't even know DP when they separated, what's it got to do with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
EagledWingsofRefuge · 20/02/2017 10:02

See apple I can see ExW doing that! But if he's providing enough for their DD before she knew my income DD doesn't cost any more if she does know! Also not my issue tbh. It's like going back to the days where the new partners income was taken into account for how much maintenance should be paid, it's ludicrous.

OP posts:
Applebite · 20/02/2017 10:07

Yes, it sucks for the new partner. I don't know anything about family law; I only know that my friend's fiancée's family lawyer has asked her to do it Sad

Original poster
EagledWingsofRefuge · 20/02/2017 10:10

Honestly if I'd known all this I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him, or at least moved in with him until he'd gotten it sorted!

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 20/02/2017 10:13

It is normal for the co-habiting partner to have to reveal their assets and income and that is clearly set out in Form E. This is because the husband's needs will be considered "met" in this situation, ie : a dual income household. It's relevant because it reflects on what award the ex-wife can achieve taking into account everybody's circumstances. OW (and I am not suggesting you are that, it's clear you're not) was summonsed by the court and threatened with prison because she refused to disclose. She was forced to in the end. It is what it is I'm afraid.

demisphere · 20/02/2017 10:15

Did you not know he had children when you moved in together?

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/02/2017 10:16

Sorry I should have made clear "OW in my case".

My argument to that is a) don't get involved with a married man b) do not mingle finances until all divorce/settlement issues are completed - and I agree you should have perhaps waited but it isn't clear to everybody and legal advice should always be sought.

However, you need to be aware that in relation to a the consent order, both parties will have a right to vary that later on if there is a change in circumstances. It's just how it works.

Original poster
EagledWingsofRefuge · 20/02/2017 10:17

formidable so do you mean the ExW could have a financial claim in this? They agreed all this at the divorce but DP was stupid and didn't push for clean break (was on minimum wage and maxed out all his credit cards just trying to get the divorce sorted). So can she now claim against him before this goes through? He has lots of savings but that was all accrued way after the divorce and realistically only because we moved in together and I was contributing to the household.

OP posts:
Original poster
EagledWingsofRefuge · 20/02/2017 10:18

demi of course I knew he had a child! I meant if I'd know anything about a clean break order and that he'd have to declare my income etc.

OP posts:
onesizefitsonesize · 20/02/2017 10:20

You don't need to declare anything unless ordered to do so by a court. You may be told it will ease the process if you give the information asked for by the other sided but you are under no obligation to do so. I researched this rigorously when I was in this position not too long ago, I refused, and it turned out that the other side did not pursue it. I think if you marry and DP is still making payments the situation may change because your income will become jointly enjoyed with DP.

bloodyteenagers · 20/02/2017 10:22

Is child maintenance ordered through court? Considering he has no assets I cannot understand why she cares now about the financial details.

Carollocking · 20/02/2017 10:24

You do not have to disclose your salary as you weee not with him when divorced its that simple

demisphere · 20/02/2017 10:24

Then you must have realised that the money he pays for his child is dependent on his circumstances, which would change once you moved in together