Please tell me I am not BU for making DD pay rent? :(

[nailsolah]

Hiya. I'll try not to miss anything out as don't want to be considered drip feeding.

DD is now 22 and at uni. She did okay in her AS levels and messed up her A levels. Tried to retake but still failed so had no qualifications after 3 years and this was due to her beginning to struggle with an eating disorder imo.

She then did an access course as she was old enough and did want to waste another 2 years (this could be done in 1). Her eating disorder was diagnosed at this point. She completed the course (was 20) and then went down hill. Was admitted at a residential unit for her ED. was there for around a year due to things not going well but she is not doing good and is at uni. Will graduate at 24.

I said to both my children that at 21 you will need to start paying rent. This had the idea that you could finish uni and when you move back home, you start paying (if they decide to love back home). DD1 knew this and actually didn't move back home for a year but no had and pays a percentage of her income (she now has a full time job) she pays £225 a month which is 20% of what she gets a month but this does include all washing done, all food, all wash products, etc. paid for and she is more than happy with this. DD is obviously just started uni (at 21) so she started to pay then. She has a part time job and is going to a local uni so has no accommodation/food to pay for. I ask for £80 a month, she gets £400 from her part time job. Again, it's 20%.

She says it's not fair because the whole idea was that we would finish uni and I do appreciate that but that's also because I kind of expected them to live in accommodation so would pay when they returned if that makes sense?, although I am obviously very happy she is at home due to her mental health. Her nan gave DD1 £200 a month for uni (she was at a London uni and everything was so expensive) and DD2 doesn't get that from her nan due to her being at a local uni and I know that upsets her a bit.

However, please tell me I'm not being unreasonable? I'm really trying to be fair

But she IS treating them very differently - that's the point!

YANBU at all!
Not everyone has parents who can support them rent free while they earn their own money to spend on themselves.
Of course your DDs should contribute,..even if you don't need the money.

user you do realise that you cover a lot of the same content in both biological sciences and nursing? it is widely assumed, I agree because people don't stop to think what might be in both degrees. One of the guys failed his nursing degree when I did mine, ( previously had a good science degree...)
Unless you have done both, then I don't think you can comment on the difficulty of each, and then you can only say how you found it.

Yanbu as you're teaching a valuable life lesson. You're not extorting her. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when your dc us insisting they're hard done by, but yanbu.
The only other thing that I could think of is that your dd doesn't pay rent, instead puts that money straight into savings and then buys a house or invests it in some other way? My dsis did that after uni until she was 28. She paid no rent, no bills, had no dcs and worked full time in a well paid local job, so she didn't even have travel costs. It enabled her to put down quite a large deposit and she now has low mortgage repayments and her finances are in a brilliant state (unlike mine. Not jealous) At the time I thought that it was so unfair that she lived for free whilst I struggled; I thought that my parents weren't teaching her about bills and outgoings even though she was a big woman. But they've set her up for life. That said, teaching your dc financial responsibility also sets them up for life.

I think both your children are very lucky. I started working at 16, and had to pay rent the minute I started earning regardless of weather or not I was still in education.

I think the rent should be rightly justified on them working, and based on what they are earning regardless of education or not.

They don't stop needing food, washing etc.. just because they are learning.

I think it's good to get young adults used to the idea that there's a cost of living! Although if you don't need the money, maybe you could save all or some of it to help her out with a deposit for a property one day, perhaps without telling her this is the plan!

She should definitely be doing an equal proportion of the housework and chores compared to other adults at home. After all, this would be the case if she were house-sharing with students.

It would be a nice touch if Granny gave her a lump sum in future, so as to have treated both equally, especially given the circumstances, but of course not right to presume on that generosity.

I'm with Gottagetmoving and agree YANBU.

I got my first weekend job as a Saturday girl at the local hairdressers when I was 14. I took home £100 a month, which worked out to about £3 an hour. My mum said as I was now earning a wage she would need rent and took £25 off me each month. Then when I turned 16 and doubled my hours mum stopped buying my food, citing I could afford to buy my own. I realised very quickly the value of money and how to budget my hard earned money! The only thing that angered me about the situation was that my 17 year old, jobless sister got to live rent free as she had no income. That didn't seem fair to me

I think it's a bit harsh, mostly because you're effectively applying a financial penalty for your DD's sickness. You aren't teaching her that life requires budgeting skills etc. You're teaching her that if she gets unwell again, you won't have her back.

Her attending uni doesn't change how much she costs you. £80 a month is hardly anything. She's very lucky.

If you sit down with her and look at what expenses you incur - I'm sure they will cover much higher than £80...

Look at a local cost for a room rental as a comparison for her.

She's getting a great deal!

Her attending uni doesn't change how much she costs you.

Presumably she cost the same at 13, 17 and 20.

Owzen is right - effectively you're saying if you're ill despite being your parents and loving you to the ends of the earth and back we won't actually make any allowances for you being ill.

I paid 800£ rent from 19 - 23 so no you ate not being unreasonable. Its called real life