Please tell me I am not BU for making DD pay rent? :(

[nailsolah]

Hiya. I'll try not to miss anything out as don't want to be considered drip feeding.

DD is now 22 and at uni. She did okay in her AS levels and messed up her A levels. Tried to retake but still failed so had no qualifications after 3 years and this was due to her beginning to struggle with an eating disorder imo.

She then did an access course as she was old enough and did want to waste another 2 years (this could be done in 1). Her eating disorder was diagnosed at this point. She completed the course (was 20) and then went down hill. Was admitted at a residential unit for her ED. was there for around a year due to things not going well but she is not doing good and is at uni. Will graduate at 24.

I said to both my children that at 21 you will need to start paying rent. This had the idea that you could finish uni and when you move back home, you start paying (if they decide to love back home). DD1 knew this and actually didn't move back home for a year but no had and pays a percentage of her income (she now has a full time job) she pays £225 a month which is 20% of what she gets a month but this does include all washing done, all food, all wash products, etc. paid for and she is more than happy with this. DD is obviously just started uni (at 21) so she started to pay then. She has a part time job and is going to a local uni so has no accommodation/food to pay for. I ask for £80 a month, she gets £400 from her part time job. Again, it's 20%.

She says it's not fair because the whole idea was that we would finish uni and I do appreciate that but that's also because I kind of expected them to live in accommodation so would pay when they returned if that makes sense?, although I am obviously very happy she is at home due to her mental health. Her nan gave DD1 £200 a month for uni (she was at a London uni and everything was so expensive) and DD2 doesn't get that from her nan due to her being at a local uni and I know that upsets her a bit.

However, please tell me I'm not being unreasonable? I'm really trying to be fair

should be £20 per week, not per month

So DD2 should effectively pay for the support she is getting from her Mum? Not having a go at OP, just the insinuation in a PP that the OP does a lot for her DD.

We all have differing views about board, personally I think when an adult is working full time then fine. If an adult is studying and having to work for extra money, especially after difficult circumstances, then a bit of leeway should be given.

I'm wondering if the £400 includes any support from Student Finance? Also to the pp who said DD1 did a degree with a bursary, she also got given £200 a month from her Grandmother, which DD2 isn't.

I think £80 is a very reasonable sum to ask. It won't begin to cover the costs of her living at home, but it's a start to her understanding what it is to live an adult life.

Dd2 will have a huge student debt that she will be paying off for the next couple of decades no doubt. Dd1 had her course payed for by govt. I think dd2 deserves a bit of a break.

I think you should look at outcome not expenditure.
It wouldn't be fair for her to have nans £200 to spend but it would be fair to have this to pay off the student loan.

In a fair world both kids should have a similar standard of living whilst a student, with the same amount of hours working (either in lectures or paid work), and finish their education with the same amount of debt. Whatever you or nan can do to ensure this fairness of outcome, is best.

How many hours they put in a week is the crucial question. Dd1 shouldn't be penalised for not working if she spent more hours studying or on placement. But dd2 shouldn't be penalised if she is working harder and more hours than dd1.

The rent question should be used to equal things out. Maybe you could use the rent to help pay her debts at the end?

She's a grown bloody adult! I paid my mum 120 a month at that age and I only earned 500. It was for board and food. Why should she be supporting another adult.

I think you are being unreasonable OP.

Your DD2 has an ED = mental health issues for a start. She is doing very well indeed to be able to take up her course (loans for which she will have to pay back in the future unlike DD1?)

My DD2 suffered the same with MH (ED, anxiety and severe depression) and had a breakdown while at uni. Luckily she was allowed to resit a year but didn't graduate until she was 24. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking her to pay ANY rent at all when she lived at home until she was in a full paying job.

She still shares my 2 bed flat with me as her salary is low but pays me rent, buys all her own food and does all her own chores. She is so grateful that I have supported her through her illness.

Encourage DD2 to save what she can and support her through her years of study. Let her help around the house, do the shopping, cooking, laundry etc if she offers to - whether you are OCD or not is not the issue here - it's not about you but your DD. Good luck

Although on the face of £80 seems like a reasonable rate to charge a 21-year-old, The problem is that she has been very seriously ill and she is effectively three years adrift. She must feel very stressed about her huge tuition fee debt and in your position I would try to do without the £80 that she gives you and encourage her to save as much money as she can. I think that comparisons to dd1 are not useful because she is essentially done but your dd2 is in the shit and needs helping out.

I would just also add that you want them to be friends and support each other in life so I would try to avoid resentment of each other

Personally no, I wouldn't charge my children rent. Put simply, I am there for them when they need me. If when I am old and infirm I need care I am sure they will also be there for me when I need them.

However, with your issue, I think you are being unreasonable as she's a full time student.

I wouldn't charge either of them but know on MN it's a thing to charge children to live at home.

So your eldest DD had free uni, didn't have to work, had cash from her nan monthly and also food shopping money from you.

Your youngest has MH issues so needs to live at home and has to pay for the privilege with no money from you or gran and a whole lot of debt on top?

From her point of view she's getting a very raw deal for daring to be ill whilst her sister had it very easy and was favoured by both you and gran. It shouldn't matter where you study, both deserve equal treatment. dd2 might not have student digs costs but she has a huge debt building up.

If she'd gone to university at 18 till 21 she wouldn't be charged rent under your own rules. So effectively you're penalising her for her delayed start due to her illness. IMO you should make the rent at 21 rule a rent at 24 rule for her.

Yabu, as I don't think it is fair to charge a child who is in full time education. She is receiving less student loan as a result of living with you, and doesn't get money from grandparents as you say.

I think it would be fairer to ask her to contribute to housework in lieu of financial contribution. Please tell me I read your post wrong, and you aren't actually doing laundry for your grown up children? ?

From her point of view, her sister didn't work while at uni, and got £200 a month from her grandma.

She is working, and you want to take money from her.

I think, if you can afford it, then let it go. Do you really need this money. Your dd is obviously a fragile soul, so butt up against her on this?

i think both you and the GM are being very unreasonable and extremely unfair. you are taking money from DD2, yet have said that you send DD1 money if she needs it. even though she gets a bursary, maintenance loan and money from GM. i note that your opinion is that learning to be a nurse is more demanding than learning to be a scientist....
here are just some of the modules your DD2 will probably have to take;
statistics
organic chemistry
cellular biology
micro-biology
research & lab skills
human and animal anatomy and physiology
toxicology
environmental biology
this is before she chooses a specialism.
oh and with most university science courses there are (expensive) field trips.

I agree that the GM is unreasonable to think that nursing is so much harder than biological science.

But I also note that she gave both girls six thousand pounds for a car / driving lessons . That's extremely generous. I have a DD of a similar age and none of her friends or classmates have received anything like that.

Ha! I did both a chemistry degree and a nursing one!
I found Nursing was far harder in many respects.

Science not as hard as nursing.

You can't say on one hand that you gave your DD1 money to go shopping when she could've earned money herself, but on the other say that you think DD2's earnings should partly come back to you... when she'll have a debt afterwards that DD1 doesn't have.

No, I couldn't charge my daughter in full time education for rent. Working, then fair enough, but I certainly wouldn't pressurise her like this and doing so when she is trying so hard to turn her life around and progress is for me wrong.

My daughter is at uni, we financially support her, I'd never expect her to work and give me money whilst she is studying.

super you have to do a lot of science as part of the nursing course. A well as the clinical side.
You know,
Human anatomy and physiology
Immunology
Statistics
Research skills
Psychology
Sociology
Pharmacology

Unless you need the money, put it in a savings account for her and tell her that you are doing so.

I agree with a previous poster that the more relevant thing is to look at what both daughters have/had remaining to spend. Also have you talked to DD1 about what she thinks you should do?

Head I didn't say nursing wasn't hard. I just think it's absurd to suggest that science is less difficult.

OP, I think you're in a really difficult position, I think in some ways your stance is unreasonable, and in some ways not.

I'd discuss with your DD2 what she thinks is fair. As your thoughts about paying at 21 were based on having finished uni, then I'd personally waive her contribution while she's at uni, you don't need to divulge the details to DD1 and I'd only do it if DD2 is sensitive about that. If you can't afford to do this, then you need to talk to DD2 about that because she's part of your household, and if DD2 waves it under DD1's nose, then I'd also reconsider.

Ultimately DD2 has chosen a traditional uni course with fees, DD1 chose a free course. Life isn't always fair down to the penny and personal choices have an impact. DD2's ongoing impact will be her student loan, but she gets to save while living at home. DD1's ongoing impact is that she doesn't have a student loan around her neck, but probably had much less money while at uni.

If you don't need the money, I would personally set it aside in order to build up a small amount which can kick start a deposit for rental/house purchase for your DD's when they are at the stage to move out. Tricky as balancing a line between learning financial responsibility, being fair on all sides plus MH issues. Your daughters sound like they must learn that your response is different to each of based upon their need and personal circumstances. It is not all about £ for £ equality!

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I would be inclined to call it something other than rent - it's more contributing to the bills, isn't it, which she'd have to do wherever she lived.

I do think her nan is being very unreasonable though - yes her sister lived out and couldn't work but on the other hand, her sister also doesn't have huge loans to pay off (nor should she as a nurse but that's a whole other thread). Her nan should treat them the same and help them with their differing expenses if shut wants to be fair.