Please tell me I am not BU for making DD pay rent? :(

[nailsolah]

Hiya. I'll try not to miss anything out as don't want to be considered drip feeding.

DD is now 22 and at uni. She did okay in her AS levels and messed up her A levels. Tried to retake but still failed so had no qualifications after 3 years and this was due to her beginning to struggle with an eating disorder imo.

She then did an access course as she was old enough and did want to waste another 2 years (this could be done in 1). Her eating disorder was diagnosed at this point. She completed the course (was 20) and then went down hill. Was admitted at a residential unit for her ED. was there for around a year due to things not going well but she is not doing good and is at uni. Will graduate at 24.

I said to both my children that at 21 you will need to start paying rent. This had the idea that you could finish uni and when you move back home, you start paying (if they decide to love back home). DD1 knew this and actually didn't move back home for a year but no had and pays a percentage of her income (she now has a full time job) she pays £225 a month which is 20% of what she gets a month but this does include all washing done, all food, all wash products, etc. paid for and she is more than happy with this. DD is obviously just started uni (at 21) so she started to pay then. She has a part time job and is going to a local uni so has no accommodation/food to pay for. I ask for £80 a month, she gets £400 from her part time job. Again, it's 20%.

She says it's not fair because the whole idea was that we would finish uni and I do appreciate that but that's also because I kind of expected them to live in accommodation so would pay when they returned if that makes sense?, although I am obviously very happy she is at home due to her mental health. Her nan gave DD1 £200 a month for uni (she was at a London uni and everything was so expensive) and DD2 doesn't get that from her nan due to her being at a local uni and I know that upsets her a bit.

However, please tell me I'm not being unreasonable? I'm really trying to be fair

I believe in adult children paying keep - once they're no longer in full time education.

As a pp said she was hardly being a slacker she was (still is!) ill.

As for 'even the ill have to pay rent' I don't, I have mh issues and a disability, I'm unable to work, the govt (even tories!) don't expect me to pay rent.

My own parents were quite strict on this kind of thing yet when my sister decided to go to uni at 19 after a year working (she wasn't sure what she wanted to do, did a couple jobs and found an area she was interested in but she needed a degree to progress) they didn't expect her to keep paying board. She'd paid while working.

I'm a bit unclear about what the two of them receivd in the way of funding. Did your DD1 get any grants or fees paid due to your income and did she take the full student loan? Did you help her with rent? Was her nan giving her the 200 on top of this?

And how does that compare with what DD2 is receiving in funding? I think we need to know this before we can make a fair comparison.

I wonder whether the OP might find it helpful to talk about making a contribution to household expenses rather than rent. Her daughters give her a very small amount when it comes down to it, there is no way they would be able to rent anywhere for that amount of money.

dd2 doesn't appear to have any costs, so her part time earnings are all spending money. Giving 20% (twenty pounds a week) to her mum isn't going to make much material difference to her life.

Unless you need the money, I think you shouldn't be changing rent until she finishes university.
You could come up with payment in kind where she would have set responsibilities e.g. doing the ironing or cleaning the bathroom or doing the family meal once or twice a week etc. Though you may already have this arrangement.
Or you could come to an agreement where she gives you x amount of money each month which you put into a savings account for her.

You reap what you sow in this life, OP.

Give DD a break now, and you'll thank her later when she gets to pick your care home....

Right. DD1 did nursing at a London uni. It was free. She got a bursary too which helped pay the accommodation. With some help from nan. Her placements meant she just couldn't work. She did do a couple of bank shifts but couldn't keep up so decided not to. Nan gave her £200 a month for food/toiletries, etc. it was very expensive to live there so nan helped out.

DD2 has taken full student loan as the course isn't free. She doesn't get any funding? However, she doesn't have to pay to live in accommodation. She also drives to uni so no public transport cost. She doesn't help around the house really but that's because I honestly enjoy doing it (diagnosed OCD and really would have to go over it anyway). The £80 includes absolutely everything with the £320 she has money left over and is saving. She isn't necessarily entitled, she just is annoyed about how much her sister got but the thing is, she lived far away and she would have gotten the same if she needed it. Her nan would also help her I think if she needed the money (which she doesn't, unlike her sister did).

We aren't rich at all and the money does go towards the foot shopping, which most of is hers due to her specialist diet.

I really don't understand what is so "wrong" about charging an adult rent, nothing should ever be handed to anyone on a plate but sadly the "entitled" mentality is all too prevalent.

The daughter has £320 disposable income every month, that is more than a lot of people have once bills are paid and yet most people in the real world don't cry about how "unfair" it is because that's just life and food, clothes etc aren't free.

Living somewhere with electricity, gas, WiFi, water, TV, laundry, food and packed lunches all for £80 a month, it's hardly a punishment and if the OP was letting out a spare room I'd happily sell up and move in with her. £80 for God sake, my weekly food shop is twice that amount.

She has £320 a month and she doesn't have to pay for anything household related, she's doing pretty well and I don't think she has any genuine reason to complain.

I understand that she's annoyed because her sister received extra money from their grandmother but that's not relevant in terms of rent because both daughters were asked to contribute the same, 20%.

However, if the OP wants a quiet life and to lessen the resentment perhaps (if she can comfortably afford it) she could offer to lower her daughter's rent to say 10% (£40 seems completely ridiculous though).

Do whatever you think is best OP and don't be guilt tripped!

In our house growing up the rule was as long as you are in full time education you don't pay a penny. My parents always said it was their responsibility to see us through our education. Even once I started working and earning £1300 p/m my parents only took £200 a month off me (I offered a lot more) , and I got it back in more ways than enough, packed lunches for work, toiletries etc. I think if you don't need the money then don't take it, or maybe you could take 10% instead of 20% and ask her to do more around the house (if she doesn't already) may take some of the pressure off her

Yabu... the 21 rule is a bit daft. Depends in circumstances. Shes ill, she studies.
Why does the other dd have to know? None of her business

Crosspost

I can see why she's disappointed that her nan gave her sister £200 per month and is giving her nothing. I get why that's the case, but I can still see why she'd think it's unfair.

I agree with the poster who said your DD1 doesn't have to know if you waive/lower DD2's rent (if you can afford to and want to obviously). And if she did she should have the maturity to understand that you're doing it because you're her parents and you're trying to mitigate the shit knock on effects that her illness is still having on her years down the line. It's not exactly an enviable situation.

But DD2 has had to take a student loan and doesn't get funding, I think YABU. Hard and fast rules don't work, I feel sorry for DD2. DD1 has no loans and had a bursary.

I wouldn't charge mine but I would encourage saving a proportion of their wages to help pay that godawful debt off afterwards.

Me and my DH and my exH pay £100 each towards both my DS and DD at university. My DS doesn't work as he is studying chemistry and studies 9-6 at uni then in the evenings and weekends. He never stops! My DD has a bit more free time and is currently looking for p/t work where she is. We won't stop the money though. They're both have savings which they are building as we are paying for their food, phones, etc and DS's debt is currently £57k. Ouch. So if he was at home, for example, I wouldn't charge him. If he was peeing his money away and not studying I might think differently!

I can see you DDs POV but you're not necessarily wrong in trying to instil those values.

If she's driving to uni then she doesn't pay public transport costs, but fuel and car maintenance? If so, that surely offsets her sister's public transport costs?

If you definitely need the money, tell her (but don't mention it's because of her special diet!). If you can get by without it do, on the proviso she saves it. She's going to graduate with debt, unlike her sister, and that £80 will be part of it from what I can tell.

And she's only over 21 because she's been severely ill. She didn't take a few gap years! She really couldn't do anything about getting to uni sooner and to be honest, it's pretty brilliant that she's gone there now.

DD1 chose to do a course with no fees and live away. That is a circumstance. Dd2 chose to stay at home and do a course with fees. That is a different circumstance. And you and her grandmother seem to be penalising dd2 for this circumstance. DD1 got £200 to pay for living costs. Dd2 should have £200 a month to reduce her university fees.

i feel sorry for DD2. DD1 has no loans and has a bursary.

Me too. Both you and her grandmother are treating your children very differently. Can't you see that?

No problem with it, we paid up as soon as we started earning but since you're including washing and stuff could you do what my DM did and call it housekeeping money instead?

Are you really so strapped for cash? Dd2 is paying her way in terms of food. DD1 was always living at home so you've always had to spend on her special diet. So what's changed that makes you need the money now?

And sorry just to add to mine about when we started earning, as teenagers that was maybe 20 quid a week so we covered the family take away. It was about contributing what we could.

Definitely stop doing everything for them. They need to do their own washing, contribute to cleaning etc. This would help them learn about the responsibilities of living as an adult. The rent is a difficult one. I agree with others that you are treating your kids differently. Aside from that you could save their rent towards a deposit on a house/rent on a house. It's incredibly difficult for young people trying to move out of home.

"Me too. Both you and her grandmother are treating your children very differently. Can't you see that?"

That makes me wonder about why the 2 daughters are so different.

mummyoflittledragon

Dd2 is paying her way in terms of food

Actually, OP says she buys all food and that most of DD2's contribution to the household is spent on her specialist food.

I'm a bit puzzled. Your DD would have been able to apply for a maintenance loan in addition to her fees loan. So her income could be higher if she took out that.
If she was in halls, there's no way she would be able to feed herself and pay for toiletries, washing clothes, utility bills etc On £20 per week - certainly not if she's following a particular diet for her health/illness.
I think you are being very fair.

Treating your children equally doesn't mean treating them the same.

I doubt DD1 had £400/£320 disposable income per month when she was at her London uni.

£80 is a reasonable contribution.

OP, I don't think you're doing your daughters any good by doing everything for them. What incentive will they have to move out and be independent if Mum does everything for them?

Yanbu, my parents charge me rent, token amount, but taught me value of money and how to budget/save.
I also did jobs around the house.
Fwiw I messed up a levels. At time was major disaster shook my confidence etc, few years later was back on track, hope your dd gets there too

I think you are being very unreasonable. I am really surprised you would charge her while she's in full time education. The delayed start is down to mh issues not fecklessness. Why would you penalise her for that?