Please tell me I am not BU for making DD pay rent? :(

[nailsolah]

Hiya. I'll try not to miss anything out as don't want to be considered drip feeding.

DD is now 22 and at uni. She did okay in her AS levels and messed up her A levels. Tried to retake but still failed so had no qualifications after 3 years and this was due to her beginning to struggle with an eating disorder imo.

She then did an access course as she was old enough and did want to waste another 2 years (this could be done in 1). Her eating disorder was diagnosed at this point. She completed the course (was 20) and then went down hill. Was admitted at a residential unit for her ED. was there for around a year due to things not going well but she is not doing good and is at uni. Will graduate at 24.

I said to both my children that at 21 you will need to start paying rent. This had the idea that you could finish uni and when you move back home, you start paying (if they decide to love back home). DD1 knew this and actually didn't move back home for a year but no had and pays a percentage of her income (she now has a full time job) she pays £225 a month which is 20% of what she gets a month but this does include all washing done, all food, all wash products, etc. paid for and she is more than happy with this. DD is obviously just started uni (at 21) so she started to pay then. She has a part time job and is going to a local uni so has no accommodation/food to pay for. I ask for £80 a month, she gets £400 from her part time job. Again, it's 20%.

She says it's not fair because the whole idea was that we would finish uni and I do appreciate that but that's also because I kind of expected them to live in accommodation so would pay when they returned if that makes sense?, although I am obviously very happy she is at home due to her mental health. Her nan gave DD1 £200 a month for uni (she was at a London uni and everything was so expensive) and DD2 doesn't get that from her nan due to her being at a local uni and I know that upsets her a bit.

However, please tell me I'm not being unreasonable? I'm really trying to be fair

I think yabu, a little and the dg too. You say you ar being fair by keeping to the 21 rule but this is unfairly penalising dd2.

However if you genuinely can't afford to do this then that is what you need to present to dd2. Treat dd2 as an adult explain how your circumstances have changed and it is no long viable for you not to charge some rent until after she is working full time.

As someone who lives with family members who require specialist diets due to allergies you sound a little resentful about dd2 dietary requirement. Do you think that you are experiencing fatigue regarding all that dd2 has been through? It is truely harrowing as a parent to watch and support dc and I can easily imagine it could have a negative effect on your own mental health and wellbeing.

Does your daughter not get a maintenance loan? Ds lived at home the first year and he got one, we are on a low income and he also got a bursary. He had a job during the holidays too. I thought and I could be wrong that regardless of family income she would get a loan. Ds gave me a £100 a month while living at home I didn't ask for it, he volunteered it and tbh it all got spent on him anyway .

I think the nan is pretty rude tbh. If you want things to be the same for both of them, then nan should also give the same to both grandchildren.

I don't understand the people saying it's too much pressure given her ED?
There is no pressure in trying to make a rent set at a percentage. She will have already done all the work, there's nothing difficult about passing over a percentage, and if she has all of her expenses paid what pressure could there be on buying anything else?

And you don't want to get into a situation where she is special and exempt because of her ED, that just reinforces it. The benefits of being sick are always going to be jumping out at her, and 'being sick means people take care of me' is a common one.

We only learn through practice and when she moves out the pressure to make the bills really will be on, and it will only be more shocking if she hasn't been exposed to it before.

YABU. She started late because she was desperately ill. I feel sorry for her.

YABU
You are adding pressure to somebody who needs to heal.

My mum never let me pay her so I lived rent free and I've always loved her for that. She knew I needed my money to save for my own house and have a fun life before I became a responsible adult with kids.

The money from the grandmother does seem very unfair, but I guess that's not the OP's decision.

With regard to the rent, £80 for food, toiletries, utilities and accommodation is obviously very reasonable, and I presume she doesn't have that much in the way of additional costs. At the same time, it seems a little unfair to charge her when she is still in full time education.

I would never charge rent to my dc in any case, so it's a bit of an alien concept to me.

My younger sister had significant MH problems in her late teens and early-mid 20s. As a consequence, my parents have given her far more support financially, physically and emotionally, than they gave me. Which is absolutely right, because she has been ill. I don't resent her at all for this, I'm just grateful that she's recovered and that I have never had to go through what she did.

You can try to make 'rules' for your life, but life has a funny way of changing circumstances. Your DD2 has been penalised enough by her poor health, don't compound this!

Its fine, in fact not having to pay her way could easily encourage continued dependance and make her reliant on the eating disorder. By all means, keep evaluating that you are being equitable (that is, meeting the different needs of your children reasonably fairly), but stick to your guns.

The money from the grandmother was because she was living away at university so had costs involved with that. Did you other daughter pay for her living/food etc when she lived away at university or did you? If she did then it would not be fair on her if your daughter living at home got it all paid for.

The rule was 'age 21' with the expectation that uni had finished, and any children that returned would pay rent. That is fair enough.
However, DD2 has hit the age requirement but is still at uni and happened to pick one where she can live at home. That's different circumstances to the 'rule'.
Saying you want to keep things fair for both DD's is a redundant argument as DD1 had no fees or loans AND was given 200 a month. DD2 is gathering 9k a year in fees debt, and is being charged 80 a month.
Sounds fair? Not to me.

Yes, the other dd had accommodation costs because she was living away, but this dd has had to take a loan for tuition fees, which her dsis didn't. I think it would have been fair for the grandmother to make the same contribution for each child.

I think yabu.
DS only started paying board when he was at work full time. It's about 10%. It's good to learn to budget and cope in real life but it needs to feel fair.

While in education and only working part time I would expect to still be subbing them not charging rent.

There is a difference between treating people/your children equally and equitably. Reminds me of this cartoon. I seem to recall the "Siblings Without Rivalry" book emphasising the importance of equitable treatment.

I think YABVU

Who proves the car and pays the running costs ?

The idea of making a child pay when in full time education has always struck me as odd. Making a child that has MH issues who then overcomes that and gets to uni pay as well seems a bit cruel to be honest.

Yanbu. Wish more of my students' parents had done this.

The problem with the equity /equality thing is that you could look at it the other way .

Did DD1 have £320 left over each month after paying for all lunches travel costs, food, toiterires, phone, wi if etc as DDS does ? Did she have all means, including lunches, made for her? Did she have access to a car each day ?

So her sister went to uni, didn't work, got £200 a month from nan.

She has battled and is recovering from an ED, goes to uni, works PT and gets no money from nan.

And you think her paying is honestly fair?

The reason DD1 didn't have spare money is because she didn't work. I appreciate she found it hard to but it was possible if she wanted money. She didn't have much money a month at all but I used to send her money for shopping when I could. She did have access to a car but decided to not learn to drive (nan gave both girls £6000 for driving lessons and a car). DD1 tried but gave up. DD2 has passed and has some of that money in savings but owns a car.

I do agree nan should be fair to both girls WRT uni money as DD2 does have a lot of student debt, etc. and works hard with her job. Her course isn't as demanding as nursing IMO (she's doing Biological Science) but is still hard work. However, it's not my mother... It's DH's and they don't even speak. Their nan does it to help out and I think it would be rude to comment on after how much she has given to the pair of them.

I am considering changing a couple of things. It's so hard as there are different circumstances.

It sounds as if it it costing OP much more than £20 per month to buy food for DD2 - OP states that the money is put towards food shopping. OP also states that the family is not that well off and that DD2 is able to save some money from the £320 that she retains each month.

DD1 chose to pursue a career that involved a bursary degree programme and DD2 has chosen to do otherwise. OP is clearly providing a considerable amount of support to DD2 at the moment: financial and otherwise.

I think DD2 is being treated well.