Please tell me I am not BU for making DD pay rent? :(

[nailsolah]

Hiya. I'll try not to miss anything out as don't want to be considered drip feeding.

DD is now 22 and at uni. She did okay in her AS levels and messed up her A levels. Tried to retake but still failed so had no qualifications after 3 years and this was due to her beginning to struggle with an eating disorder imo.

She then did an access course as she was old enough and did want to waste another 2 years (this could be done in 1). Her eating disorder was diagnosed at this point. She completed the course (was 20) and then went down hill. Was admitted at a residential unit for her ED. was there for around a year due to things not going well but she is not doing good and is at uni. Will graduate at 24.

I said to both my children that at 21 you will need to start paying rent. This had the idea that you could finish uni and when you move back home, you start paying (if they decide to love back home). DD1 knew this and actually didn't move back home for a year but no had and pays a percentage of her income (she now has a full time job) she pays £225 a month which is 20% of what she gets a month but this does include all washing done, all food, all wash products, etc. paid for and she is more than happy with this. DD is obviously just started uni (at 21) so she started to pay then. She has a part time job and is going to a local uni so has no accommodation/food to pay for. I ask for £80 a month, she gets £400 from her part time job. Again, it's 20%.

She says it's not fair because the whole idea was that we would finish uni and I do appreciate that but that's also because I kind of expected them to live in accommodation so would pay when they returned if that makes sense?, although I am obviously very happy she is at home due to her mental health. Her nan gave DD1 £200 a month for uni (she was at a London uni and everything was so expensive) and DD2 doesn't get that from her nan due to her being at a local uni and I know that upsets her a bit.

However, please tell me I'm not being unreasonable? I'm really trying to be fair

t's her home, my parents I can't ever imagine charging me for anything if I went to theirs as its my home, my safe place. I have t actually lived there since 18 but I know it's there

and also this

"DD1 chose to do a course with no fees and live away. That is a circumstance. Dd2 chose to stay at home and do a course with fees. That is a different circumstance. And you and her grandmother seem to be penalising dd2 for this circumstance. DD1 got £200 to pay for living costs. Dd2 should have £200 a month to reduce her university fees.

i feel sorry for DD2. DD1 has no loans and has a bursary.

Me too. Both you and her grandmother are treating your children very differently. Can't you see that?

^ I agree.

This is why I don't like setting rules that cant be broken. I also feel your dd should have 200 a month from nanna, to reduce her uni costs. She has been really ill by the sounds of it - and needs all the help she can get to get better

If I had dc back at home with our current finances, have to ask for a small contribution, to help however if we didnt need the money I may ask for again a token contribution and perhaps save it for them, give it back when they had their first dc or something.

Life is short, people are dropping dead round me left right and center from various things, make life as happy as possible all round.

Let her help around the house, do the shopping, cooking, laundry etc if she offers to - whether you are OCD or not is not the issue here - it's not about you but your DD

Op as an aside I know a child who had MH issues and parent was un diagnosed OCD, ultra strict about cleaning, how things had to be etc. The child developed strange behaviour over certain things because it was like - all he could control in a house where his DM had everything under strict control. He also suffered depression etc.

Have you ever considered this link? Its not easy living with a parent with OCD.

If you don't need the money then I wouldn't make her pay.

Presumably the 'rent at 21' rule was aimed at letting them know that once they graduated they were expected to go to work and pay their way if still living at home. Fair enough.

However, your DD2, through no fault of her own, has not yet graduated and in proper employment. As her mother, not landlord, you can't have an arbitrary rule that doesn't take circumstances into account.

Bit harsh to say this isn't about me. I know it isn't, but I can't just forget about my OCD I'm fully aware of potential links, due to family therapy we had.

Stick to your guns..Its hard for adult children to realise they have to start looking after themselves after years of intense exam pressure. But they need to. Or you will have a 25-30 year old, still relying on you for everything monetary wise.

I think you are being unreasonable and a little unkind. In the same circumstances I wouldn't be charging ds.

I can see your POV but, unless you need that money to make ends meet, I don't think you should be charging her, tbh. Your elder dd has no student debt and got a top up from her grandmother, your younger dd, in recovery from a significant illness, is building up serious debt, gets no additional family support and is asked to pay rent and board. If I were dd2 I would feel seriously short changed.

I think yabu. She is still in full time education she has a part-time job to give her a bit of spending money and you are taking some rent out of that? she is a full time student fgs. I agree when they are working f/t and living at home they absolutely need to contribute but when they are still in f/t education I think as parents (if we can) we should still be supporting them. You are very lucky she can still love at home while at uni you are saving a fortune there on rents that you would have to pay if she was studying elsewhere because no part time job could ever cover all the costs incurred.

I lived at home and worked p/t while at uni and I didn't pay rent to my parents. I didn't earn much from my p/t job just enough to go out every now and again and buy clothes/ toiletries etc. My parents wanted me to drop the p/t job in my final year so I could concentrate on studies. Once I got a f/t I started contributing to the household budget.

I think you are being reasonable. 20% of her income to contribute to family household costs is fair. My mum had me pay towards my keep from 16 years, whilst still at school. It taught me the importance of paying my way and I'm glad I wasnt raised to just expect things for free. (I wasn't happy about it at the time right enough). FWIW I also struggled with an eating disorder in my teens and twenties, I had this whilst living at home and whilst away at uni. I hope your daughter makes a full recovery and gains a good degree.

super in your experience of doing both maybe you found the science degree harder?
Why on earth would it be absurd to suggest it may be more difficult?

What will you do in her later years? Will your DD have to continue to work as many hours in order to pay you or will you reduce the rate to 20% of whatever she earns?

Just wondering if she may feel pressured to work so much, which may adversely affect her uni work.

YABU. I also did a Biological sciences degree. I was away from home and had to also work part time to fund my degree. It was bloody hard. If my parents could have taken some of the stress away then they would have. Making your DD pay rent means she'll have to continue pushing herself. My degree had the most contact time of anyone I knew. In years 2 & 3 I had 2 lots of 4 hours lab work a week before you added on lectures and group work. Compared to others my contact time was 25+ hours before you started with the extra reading and work at home. Think about what your DD will be doing In order to give you that £80 a month.

I agree 100% with alltouchedout

My parents made me pay 1/4 of my salary to them, and then they didn't take anything off my younger siblings, even though they continued to live at home longer than I did. I've always resented this and thus will not be taking any money from my children, no matter what their age. IMO, it would be much more beneficial to have her pay that money into an ISA for a deposit on a house of her own.

She has it well enough!! I was kicked out @ 17 and then moved in with my bf and his mum. She asked for £120 a week not including food/toiletries. I promptly moved out. This was 12 years ago. Yep i'm still bitter haha.

Surely as parents , we should be supporting our DCs while they're in full time education?

When my DCs leave uni and get a job, I'll be asking them for 'digs money', as my DM used to call it, but until then, I believe they are our responsibility.

I think, in your case, OP, as you DD has had mental health issues which delayed her education, this would encourage me even more to be a little more lenient.

Some families genuinely need the money from older children still living at home. Not everyone can afford to save it for them for a deposit on a house etc.

There are huge generalisations on mumsnet when it comes to charging full time working adults bed and board. The adult dc usually gets a bloody good deal such as cooking, washing, cleaning etc. Which they wouldn't get elsewhere for £50 a week etc.

I don't think you are being unreasonable charging something for dd to stay at home. You are saving her a huge amount of money. She chose to stay at home. If she had studied elsewhere she'd have much bigger housing cost bills and food etc plus have to donown washing and cooking and have bigger debts by having had to apply for maintenance loans to support herself as well as perhaps increasing her part time hours.

I did a midwifery degree and due to placements and not getting the long holidays that students traditionally get it was near on impossible to work. Many others in my course quit as even with the bursary they couldn't afford to provide for themselves or get other work to fit around the studies and placements.

When I did my first degree in languages I could easily work around my studies and still got a first class degree.

I feel sorry for your dd. Against great odds she has managed to get on her feet again, get back into education and have a part time job to support herself. She is a fantastic girl to achieve all that after being in hospital for months. And now, instead of supporting her you want to take some of her money. I think it's mean. Cut her some slack and give her a better chance to actual get established.

I wouldn't charge my son rent while he's at uni; that wouldn't sit right with me at all.

If he was living at home and working that would be different but even then, given the cost of housing, I'm not sure what I'd do - I might charge rent but put it in a savings account towards a deposit for him.

I had the benefit of free higher education and lower house prices (albeit with sky- high interest rates). While I agree that young people need to learn financial sense, I'm not sure they need any lessons about it from me.

I don't think you're BU. She already works so it's not as if you're forcing her to go out and find a job on top of studying.

Really, I think the nan is BVU. You can't give to one and not the other. Or she could've said say, £100 a month as at home and not London so would go further etc?

I don't think you're being unreasonable- that sounds like a pretty good deal if that's all food/having washing done etc. She would be paying much more if she wasn't living at home whilst studying!

My parents said that if we didn't go to uni we would start being charged rent at 18 once we'd finished college... both me and my older brother took gap years before starting uni so in that year I paid £120 a month to my parents for the same deal. I was earning roughly £500 a month from a part time job and paid for all the running costs of my own car as well and any food if I didn't want to eat what was being served.

Felt a little harsh at the time, but now that I am at uni I am so grateful that my parents did this because I'm already used to not having all my earnings as money I can spend on useless rubbish. Hopefully it will have the same effect on your daughter. If she's earning £400, she can afford to pay you £80 a month for sure- she's an adult now and can't just expect you to still fund everything!

Is your DD missing out in a maintenance loan because of your household income or has she not applied for one as she has a pt job.

Regardless I still think YABU.

YA absolutely BU , as is her grandmother .

You are being very unreasonable and unfair to not support your daughter. Biological science is a lot harder than nursing and this is widely accepted. I think you will find you will look back and wonder what went wrong in your relationship.

user147 so it'll improve her future relationships if she treats her daughters differently on financial matters? I don't think so.