AIBU to think that professionals shouldn't immediately lecture on 'breast is best' without checking WHY you're not breastfeeding?

[Bellabelloo]

Every single doctor, midwife, health visitor, doctor has given me a disapproving look and lecture on breast being best and asking whether I've given it a proper try etc without actually asking WHY I'm not breastfeeding. When I tell them that I had breast cancer when I was 30 and that I had to have a double mastectomy it shuts them up pretty quickly.

But I do feel really upset by it. I feel guilty that I can't breastfeed. I already feel like less of a woman having had my breasts removed, and now I am being made to feel like less of a mother.

There are many, many reasons why women might not be able to breastfeed and I just think the medical professionals should just ask whether there is a reason a woman has chosen not to breastfeed before judging and lecturing.

That's not unreasonable, is it?

i CANNOT believe that you are droning on and on about the benefits of bm on a thread created by a mother who has no breasts and is already saddened about bf Mini.

Fucking outrageous and has made me quite angry. have you no decency filter?

This thread really is proving all the worst stereotypes about lactivists.

OP, I am so sorry for what you've had to endure. It's hard enough being a new mum at the best of times but I can't even begin to comprehend how difficult your situation must be. You are a star. You have a beautiful baby and are a mum against all the odds. You have the right to revel in your happiness after everything you have been through. I would 100% complain if I were in your position.

A former work colleague of mine, pregnant at the same time as me but due 3 months after me had to have her little boy delivered the same week as my little boy was born because she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She gave birth and within 24 hours had a double mastectomy.

I had a terrible time trying to BF. I had flat/inverted nipples, DS had a bad tongue tie and I had PTSD after an extremely difficult birth. I never got him to latch and pumped/combi fed off and on for a year and had to relactate twice (which was a ridiculous faff and extreme effort) because I was consumed with irrational guilt.
Even I, who was trying as hard as I could, was subjected to shit on a breastfeeding forum that my efforts were pointless because my baby's gut was already 'tainted' by formula and there was 'no point bothering' unless I went the whole hog...which wasn't possible for me.

People derailing this thread with irrelevant (and, under the circumstances, highly offensive/potentially upsetting) 'facts' about the magical power of bfing to prevent cancer to someone who has been through a double mastectomy is in extremely poor taste.

i CANNOT believe that you are droning on and on about the benefits of bm on a thread created by a mother who has no breasts and is already saddened about bf Mini.

Nor me.

I couldn't breastfeed as it would have meant delaying life saving procedures.

Funnily enough DH and I thought it's better for me to actually be around rather than breastfeeding and not!

Also, whilst I am pro BFing, I am one of six formula fed siblings in my family. Every one of us, despite coming from a very poor family, are educated to Post Grad level, none of us have any health problems or obesity. Our mother is 60 years old now and is the picture of health.

My DH was breastfed until he was nearly 3 and has had asthma and eczema all his life.

Whilst I appreciate that this is merely anecdotal evidence on a very small scale but it was this knowledge that helped alleviate some of that unease about how I had to feed my child.

Piglet im afraid you just didnt try hard enough to explore your options.

YANBU OP. Of course you're not.

I must say though, as someone who simply chose not to breastfeed when DD was born, I never experienced any kind of negativity from any HCP (two girls in Starbucks once made PA remarks when they saw me bottle feeding, but that's as bad as it ever got).

After the birth, I was simply asked "how are you feeding her?" I said formula and they brought me a bottle, showed me what to do. No hassle, no comments, just support.

Exactly how it should be. No one has any fucking right to do otherwise.

Keep on keeping on, OP. Congratulations x

Trout we have a similar experience in our family.

I don't get the point of that research. As somebody has pointed out it's based on a tiny number of babies. More importantly surely other factors further down the line have a far bigger impact. I always knew my DC would be bright( have excellently developed brains). Genes,maternal education and input.

Clearly given how many are ff in this country( most) and how we still manage to churn out bright high achieving adults across all sectors the pace at which a brain develops isn't really worth bothering about.

This certainly correlates in my experience with my children and their friends.

Piglet

Just to add to pp's, I was also ff and have a degree in mathematics (not that I use it to my shame)

Bu yes, a study on 133 babies is complete proof that all ff babies will grow up to be dumb arses.

Ops sorry wrong thread

Congratulations on your new baby OP. Enjoy him! I cannot believe that the HCPs caring for you haven't read your medical records BUT the thing I'm most annoyed about is that you are having to justify your reasons for not breastfeeding.

I'm a infant feeding support worker so yes, the majority of my role is supporting women to breastfeed. However, I am not the breastfeeding mafia and my main objective is to ensure that women feel supported REGARDLESS of feeding method. I believe fed is best. If a mum chooses to breastfeed - brilliant, if a mum chooses to formula feed - brilliant. They are doing what is best for them and their baby. They do not need to tell me the reasons that they have made that decision, it is their decision to make. My main concern is that when a woman is feeling the most vulnerable she will ever feel she knows that I CARED about her and her family and that she felt supported and confident in her choices whatever they may be.

OP I'm so sorry you have been made to feel like this - it's disgraceful.

If you genuinely want people to consider breastfeeding minifingerz you really need to have a good think about how you come across. Is this really the thread for it? Do you have any empathy at all?

There are many different reasons why women may not be able to or want to breastfeed. We are bloody lucky that formula exists so babies can still be fed.

I believe fed is best. If a mum chooses to breastfeed - brilliant, if a mum chooses to formula feed - brilliant. They are doing what is best for them and their baby. They do not need to tell me the reasons that they have made that decision, it is their decision to make. My main concern is that when a woman is feeling the most vulnerable she will ever feel she knows that I CARED about her and her family and that she felt supported and confident in her choices whatever they may be.

youcan I wish all infant feeding supporters thought like you. This is wonderful to read. mini and skerry take note...this is how you support women. Not by pushing the 'breast is best' message down women's throats at all costs.

What's this about bottle fed babies not being fed on demand? What other way do you feed a baby other than when they are hungry? I thought the idea of feeding every set number of hours was one of those things that people did in the 1960s, along with keeping babies in the hospital nursery.

I know treacle, if a baby isn't hungry then you can't bottle feed it. Some people (presumably those who have breastfed) seem to think you just poke a bottle in a baby's mouth and 6oz disappears..... Not in my experience 😂

Thank you scrumpy I try my best. I love my job and do genuinely care about these families. I want to see all children thrive and do well, it doesn't matter how they are fed.

I'm sorry op, some people are just twats- to put it simply.

Ive felt like a failure myself breastfeeding. I desperately wanted to do it but after a traumatic delivery and surgery, flat nipples and a tongue tie I am lucky I get any milk at all. I pump and get just a few mls which isn't what I hoped for but you can only work with your situation.

I was on so called supportive sites where some people were shit, making you feel like shit for not letting your baby just starve.

I was very lucky that my midwife was great. She was the one who told me not to beat myself up and that my baby just needed to be fed, it didn't matter how so long as hydrated and full was the end result. She got me formula and also helped me get support to try and bf at all.

I would put in a complaint about the professions for both their insensitivity and their stupidity at not reading your notes.

What how are bottle fed babies not fed on demand?! do you think we leave them screaming in their cots until the four hour mark?!

Unfortunately I think whichever way you feed people will look at you and blame you for any perceived deficiencies.
I certainly was blamed for my inability for my child to take a bottle! Or cup!

You are doing fine, op.

That is SO defensive. WHO says formula is cruel? Who? Why do you feel the need to exaggerate and stir up bad feeling. Do you think it helps the OP to read your lies and exaggeration? To believe that there are people out there who think formula feeding is 'cruel'?

You. You do, by portraying formula feeding as some kind of cold-hearted process that doesn't allow for bonding. I really don't think you can hear yourself.

And my bloody 'lies and exaggerations' ?? Give your head a wobble.

You're not alone in thinking this. I'm sorry you've had such a shit experience. I was 19 when I had my first child and already suffering badly with depression. The intense pressure I felt to breastfeed and 'prove' that I wasn't just a stupid young mom was immense. I had an eclamptic seizure whilst holding and breastfeeding my newborn for the first time, after no signs of pre-eclampsia during pregnancy. I'm lucky I didn't die and had already given birth because they would've saved me and not him. Was in intensive care for a while. My son then had a suspected infection and was in the neonatal unit for a time. Had to 'wait and see' whether I had brain damage. Had no short term memory at all at first, just lots of confusion about where I was and where my baby was. As soon as I got home, I started pumping so I could send it to him in the neonatal unit. I still lived with my parents and had no support from anyone, just the resounding 'breast is best' message from disapproving midwives throughout my pregnancy. I hardly produced any milk and no professional ever gave advice. I just set alarms every three hours and pumped with the only pump I'd been able to afford. After a few nights of doing that, I collapsed on the landing, but refused to be hospitalised. My blood pressure was again dangerously high, but I didn't really understand how serious things had been at that point due to lack of memory and confusion. Was eventually told if I continued to do this, I would have no choice. The doctor 'banned' it. When my son came home, I had almost no milk at all, since I wasn't allowed to do night time feeds or excessive pumping and hadn't been regularly feeding. I tried to do mix feeding at first but my milk gradually dried up and I switched to exclusively formula feeding. Didn't stop the midwife giving me a dirty look at the 6 week check when I told her I was no longer breastfeeding. Obviously confirmed her suspicions that I was a stupid, teen mom. I feel quite sad for myself when I look back and see how vulnerable and desperate I was and nobody helped me. Even at the hospital classes I went to, you had to raise your hand if you wanted to hear information on formula feeding. They weren't allowed to give it otherwise. Funnily enough, nobody raised their hand.

I am currently breastfeeding child number two and couldn't care less about how other people feed their babies. They don't need to justify themselves to me. It's clear people still feel that pressure though, because I have heard moms giving me their reasons for formula feeding as though they have to explain themselves.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible time OP and congratulations on your DS! I would have made a complaint if I had been in the same situation. Please do not feel bad about bf. Having no breasts does not make you less of a woman. It makes you a warrior woman! You are doing a good job if baby is well fed. Be that formula feeding or breastfeeding x

FYI op, if you are attracted to the idea of breastfeeding but are unable to, you might find the idea of paced bottle feeding appealing. It's about a way of bottle feeding which encourages mothers to be responsive to their babies and mimics the closeness and comfort which babies and mums can get with breastfeeding

Minifingers - can you honestly not see how this will be interpreted by someone who would loved to have been able to breastfeed, but couldn't?

This feeding method - which suggests sitting babies up (not how I ever breastfed?!) - 'mimics the closeness and comfort which babies and mums can get from breastfeeding'.

Bottle-feeding parents get just as much closeness and comfort from the feeding process as breastfeeding parents.

Suggesting bottle feeders sit the baby up is hardly more conducive to closeness than the more cuddly way of feeding I, as a breastfeeder - and I'm sure most bottle feeders - naturally employ.

I'm honestly cringing at this suggestion. And not because I'm so defensive!! Again, I breastfed both DC for over a year each.

If you wish to be a helpful advocate of b/feeding, then maybe a quick squizz at YouCanButImNot's post might help you.