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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to think that professionals shouldn't immediately lecture on 'breast is best' without checking WHY you're not breastfeeding?

253 replies

Bellabelloo · 19/02/2017 23:36

Every single doctor, midwife, health visitor, doctor has given me a disapproving look and lecture on breast being best and asking whether I've given it a proper try etc without actually asking WHY I'm not breastfeeding. When I tell them that I had breast cancer when I was 30 and that I had to have a double mastectomy it shuts them up pretty quickly.

But I do feel really upset by it. I feel guilty that I can't breastfeed. I already feel like less of a woman having had my breasts removed, and now I am being made to feel like less of a mother.

There are many, many reasons why women might not be able to breastfeed and I just think the medical professionals should just ask whether there is a reason a woman has chosen not to breastfeed before judging and lecturing.

That's not unreasonable, is it?

OP posts:
Thinnestofthinice · 20/02/2017 01:19

Why are you trying to promote breastfeeding and parroting scientific information on a thread where it is totally insensitive to do so? This lack of empathy is what turns people off!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/02/2017 01:21

Ask if it's in your notes, and then ask for a note to be put at the front of your file to stop hop having this awful attitude.

Poor you Flowers

LoupGarou · 20/02/2017 01:22

Why are you trying to promote breastfeeding and parroting scientific information on a thread where it is totally insensitive to do so? This lack of empathy is what turns people off!

This ^^ precisely.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 20/02/2017 01:26

I was pissed off like this when I went to a weaning lecture ( which for some reason was called a weaning party?) and when the girl started her speil about Brest is best And I interjected ( politely) to ask if she wouldn't mind skipping it and getting to the weaning bit as all babies were 6 months plus and we had made that decision 6 months ago , she got arsey and said she had to carry on and list all the benefits ( which my child was missing out on) Of breast ... Wanted to cry my heart out as v upset at not being able too. I understand it's a government educational thing that does need promoting but I really wanted that girl to shove her head in the stupid slanty cup ( that my son wouldn't put in his mouth either)

frenchfancy81 · 20/02/2017 01:29

It's so bad that anyone makes you feel like that. Ffs Hmm I had the choice taken away because of preeclampsia and being on 8 yes 8 pills a day...

BlackeyedSusan · 20/02/2017 01:30

I would be tempted to look at them carefully, ask what did they say their name was, write it down slowly in a note book with a muttered comment about pals, then ask them did they actually read your notes before they came over...

MouseClogs · 20/02/2017 01:45

YANBU in the slightest, OP.

Breast milk has benefits and whilst these should be made clear in appropriate situations and appropriate contexts, they should not be trumpeted to all and sundry as some kind of bizarre and pointless arse-covering measure.

It is also (IMO) vital on an ethical level that these benefits are not embellished or overstated, but simply laid bare in the most plain and explicit form (of our current understanding). The reality is that in many instances, these benefits ARE overstated, as outlined by various posters already in this thread.

There is a tendency - on here, on the wider internet and in the big old world in general - to look upon and represent nature as an effectively sentient entity with its own wisdom. This is utter stupidity. Nature does not think, sense, reason or act. It evolves continually by responding to various external factors and stressors and for the most part, its observable "objective" (inasmuch as such an entity can possibly have one) is largely restricted to self-propagation.

This same strange characterisation of bodies as having an intrinsic "wisdom" is pervasive in discussions about natural childbirth, about which rose-tinters the world over also refuse to accept the bleedin' obvious - it's a crap system, that has evolved pretty incompetently by our own measures, that carries with it (and thus by their logic is "intended" to carry) a contextually enormous risk of death to both mother and child.

There is a reasonable argument for the idea that in their own way, bodies (and so by extension nature) do have, in one sense, an inherent wisdom/rhythm - but it is not moral. It does not care about your suffering, or your pain, or your breasts, or the state of your vagina, or indeed - within certain numerical limits - whether you or your baby live or die. The percentage of woman-and-baby "duos" (iyswim) that cannot breastfeed is really not insignificant.

The thing is, it strikes me as mighty convenient that virtually all of the passive (and sometimes openly) aggressive pontificating that seeks to fetishise and valorise the handiwork of nature and the natural, and elevate it as eternally superior to the machinations of man-made medicine, is restricted entirely to pregnancy, birth, and the aspects of early child-rearing that most directly rely upon the female body. Other developments with possible minor downsides that otherwise enhance options, ameliorate suffering, reduce pain and circumnavigate nature are seized on with immense gratitude.

MouseClogs · 20/02/2017 01:58

Oh dear at me talking about people pontificating after the size of that sermon Blush still, my point stands (well, I suppose I would think so!)

Nofunkingworriesmate · 20/02/2017 02:12

mouseclogs fuck me

Are you on something tonight, or a Sponsored longwordathon ??

MouseClogs · 20/02/2017 02:15

I wish - just a combination of procrastinating (work deadline, ahem), a subject I feel strongly about, a few dollops of hormone soup (am 5 months gone) and a lifelong tendency towards verbosity.

Trifleorbust · 20/02/2017 05:05

I hate 'breast is best' - it really is a very condescending phrase! Leave mums alone, FGS. How they choose to feed is up to them.

FartnissEverbeans · 20/02/2017 05:10

MouseClogs' post sums up why I love Mumsnet Grin

Hear hear, to both MouseClogs and Sycamore54321. Nobody should be made to feel bad for such an inconsequential choice.

OP, congratulations on your beautiful baby Flowers And of course YANBU.

222CherryCoke · 20/02/2017 05:14

Jesus, Seamus how blinkered and insensitive can you be? This is not the thread for that.

Ponderingprivately · 20/02/2017 05:20

No way are you unreasonable op. Of
Course you cannot breastfeed and you are no less of a mother for it. You haven't got a thing to feel guilty about.

Thefitfatty · 20/02/2017 05:27

Excellent post MouseClogs truly one of the best I've seen on a breastfeeding thread. :)

SofiaAmes · 20/02/2017 05:32

As an American, I was always amazed by how uninformed about my medical history the NHS doctors I saw were. The American medical system may have some issues, but no one (not even a massage therapist) will see you without having you fill out an extensive questionnaire about your medical history. I spent my entire 2 pregnancies trying to tell my UK doctors that what they thought was very normal blood pressure was super high for me. None of them had ever checked my blood pressure (or looked my history from previous gp's) before I got pregnant. I thought that was bad, but your story Bella is just too much....you would think that a history of breast cancer and double mastectomy would have been relevant to your pregnancy and care for your young baby. Perhaps even if you had breasts, you might not have the strength to breast feed, or perhaps you might need extra nutrients or maybe you were still getting chemo....etc. etc. Or maybe there is a genetic history of cancer in your family that needs to go into your child's chart. It's just such poor medical standards not to have a baseline and know your patient's history. Even if you are reading it as they are walking in the door.
Please don't feel bad. There are a hundred right ways to bring up a child and some of them actually even include bottle feeding....

NotYoda · 20/02/2017 05:35

Crumbs1

I agree with sycamore1 here. The tone of your first post is "insidious and snide"

OP that must be annoying and upsetting. I am afraid my annoyance would lead me to be quite snide myself in pointing out why I couldn't BF

user1467798821 · 20/02/2017 05:45

I had a pretty similar issue after DC3. I had an elective c section, baby born all well, until I haemorrhaged. I was losing blood faster than they could get it in, so, to save my life at the age of 24, they performed a hysterectomy. Despite it being in my notes, I am still called for a smear test regularly although what they would smear I don't know No matter which health care professional I have seen, they all ask about my periods, get a shock when I say "hmm about 23 years ago, give or take). It is written on all of my medical notes both at the GP and the 3 local hospitals I have used regularly. I can't decide if it's ignorance or lack of time to prepare for each patient, but it grinds my gears.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad, you cherish that very special gift and feed him formula! Flowers

stevie69 · 20/02/2017 05:54

Hi,

I'm not sure that they should ever be 'lecturing' on it as such. Sure, give you the options and the benefits then leave it to all you mums to make your own choices.

Your life, your children, your decision.

S xxx

londonrach · 20/02/2017 05:55

Yanbu. Sounds like you had a bad experience with health professionals. Id complain. My dd is ff (6 months now) and i havent had a single health professional say breast is best or anything. My dd refused to latch which i am grateful for as ff has been very easy. As long as baby is fed doesnt matter how. Whatever works best for you, be it bf or ff.

Coulibri · 20/02/2017 06:00

Hear hear, Mouseclogs.

If having a child has taught me anything, it's nature/biology's indifference, and an appreciation of modern medicine. DS and I would both have died in times past. See also a rather good Dara O'Briain NCT sketch about the insanity of some people preaching that a tear is better than an episiotomy because 'it's natural'. Hmm

thatsnotmyusername · 20/02/2017 06:00

I am shocked you have been lectured so much about it. As a midwife I don't honestly care how you feed your baby as long as you feed it something! And I am pretty sure the majority of my colleagues feel the same. You don't need to justify yourself.

minifingerz · 20/02/2017 06:22

"OP lactivists have massively overstated the benefits of breastfeeding"

'Lactivists' don't do the research or run the NHS or any of the other organisations which promote breastfeeding as the healthiest and safest way to feed a baby.

OP - that must be really hard for you. :-( Hard to have your choices taken away, hard to have people being uncaring about your feelings about it.

Would you consider writing a letter to the head of midwifery/head of the community team at your trust explaining how hurtful it is to you to being spoken to like this, so insensitively?

minifingerz · 20/02/2017 06:28

"See also a rather good Dara O'Briain NCT sketch about the insanity of some people preaching that a tear is better than an episiotomy because 'it's natural'. "

The joke was on Dara O'Briain. The NCT don't recommend a tear rather than an episiotomy not 'because it's natural' but because of research suggesting a tear may cause less pain on healing than an episiotomy of the same degree. The NCT is absolutely in step with the NHS on this one, which also recommends not doing an episiotomy in preference to a tear in most cases because a cut is more likely to extend and cause an anal sphincter injury.

Sorry OP.

Chrisinthemorning · 20/02/2017 06:32

That's terrible, poor you Flowers
YANBU
TBH no one should be lectured about this anyway, it's quite unprofessional.