AIBU to think that professionals shouldn't immediately lecture on 'breast is best' without checking WHY you're not breastfeeding?

[Bellabelloo]

Every single doctor, midwife, health visitor, doctor has given me a disapproving look and lecture on breast being best and asking whether I've given it a proper try etc without actually asking WHY I'm not breastfeeding. When I tell them that I had breast cancer when I was 30 and that I had to have a double mastectomy it shuts them up pretty quickly.

But I do feel really upset by it. I feel guilty that I can't breastfeed. I already feel like less of a woman having had my breasts removed, and now I am being made to feel like less of a mother.

There are many, many reasons why women might not be able to breastfeed and I just think the medical professionals should just ask whether there is a reason a woman has chosen not to breastfeed before judging and lecturing.

That's not unreasonable, is it?

I think there is a problem with notes not being clear enough and/or HCP's not reading/registering what they say. Sometimes it's just irritating, sometimes dangerous and sometimes it's twisting the knife in a painful history. Several times my friend had to explain that this would be her third birth but she only had one child at home because her second was still born.

That makes sense thank you.

It's possibly why donor milk has been mentioned to me as I'm at risk of having another prem.

Yes notes should always be clear.

But notes or no notes what on earth makes anyone think they have the right to act the way they do.

I mean it's not them taking the baby home is it. It's not their body and regardless of the detail on the notes it would take reveal the intended chikd care set up (maybe dad's taking the time off instead) won't reveal any needs of any other family members what if they take care of an elderly relative etc

Of parebts are not seen as fit to make sensible decisions re their babies then why are they letting them go home with them in the first place?

YADNBU - I didn't breastfeed. I have many reasons. They are none of anyone else's bloody business.

Midwives need to lecture less and support more. Most people give up BF really quickly because they get sweet FA in terms of help and support. It isn't some beautiful, natural, thing that everyone can just do easily and without issue. If the NHS or whoever wants BF rates to increase they need to apply less pressure and offer more help and support.

As far as I'm concerned as long as you are feeding your baby properly prepared formula OR breastmilk you are doing your job.

Staff at my hospital were shit. So much so they almost missed the birth altogether.

Surely there are labouring mothers or poorly babies needing their attention. If I was abandoned on mass just to go harass a.loving mum over breast milk that would monumentally take the piss...

OP, congratulations on your beautiful baby! Sorry you've had such a hard slog with everyone trying to 'convince' you to breastfeed. That is truly shit

The first time I met my midwife she asked if I was planning to breastfeed. I said, all being well and good, yes. She replied "Good! That's the right answer!" I was stunned and blurted out "Right answer?! What if I try and then find I can't breastfeed or just don't want to? Am I then doing the wrong thing by your book? Surely any milk is better than no milk?" She looked very sheepish and changed the subject

I was told by numerous midwives that my milk would come in if only I kept offering DC the breast. Two problems: 1. DC resolutely refused to open their mouth and no-one could make them latch for over a week. 2. It subsequently turned out that I never developed milk-producing breast tissue, either at puberty or during pregnancy. I could pump all day long and never get more than an ounce.

Now, eight months later, I STILL get random people coming up to me in Boots when I'm buying formula to lecture me about how breast is best and didn't anyone tell me I just had to persevere??

Not only did I break my fucking heart over not being able to breastfeed DC, but it actually proved really difficult to find out even rudimentary information about how to formula feed, because no-one's allowed to tell you! Breast is best when it's a viable option, but when it isn't, alive and hydrated is best!

Not read the thread. I found a polite mind your own business please and a stern look stopped all health professionals and busybodies in their tracks twelve years ago when they started on me. It worked for my daughter in law recently too.

Now, eight months later, I STILL get random people coming up to me in Boots when I'm buying formula to lecture me about how breast is best and didn't anyone tell me I just had to persevere??

A male neighbour of mine (unusually as most blokes are less bothered about the bf/ff debate ime) said to me after dd2 had been admitted to hospital for weight loss then hasn't gained anything at all the following week "well before formula you'd have had to keep breastfeeding her and it would have worked somehow". He wouldn't accept that she may well have died.

Yanbu at all OP enjoy your baby and congratulations

Sycamore, thankyou, for some reason it had stupidly never entered my head, that this is yet another example of women being told what to do with their bodies. Your first post made me catch my breath at how I could have possibly missed that.

now, eight months later, I STILL get random people coming up to me in Boots when I'm buying formula to lecture me about how breast is best and didn't anyone tell me I just had to persevere??

If this ever happens to me I will assume they like they look of having black eyes.

Why can't threads like this support the op who has been so hurt by the insensitivity of health professionals without feeling the need to rubbish the benefits of breastfeeding?

I don't think you breastfeeding enthusiasts can hear the disparaging language you use about formula feeding. There are so many examples, by you and others on this thread. The crack about 'mimics the closeness and comfort which babies and mums can get with breastfeeding' yeah, us formula feeders feed our babies at the end of a long fucking spiky stick, because we're unnatural like that. Honestly, every single pro-breatfeeder seems to think taking incredibly cruelly about formula
feeding will make us all smack ourselves and immediately breast feed - except oh, damn, we couldn't. I tried so, so hard, and all this shit just reinforces my sense of failure about being unable to. Ta for that. Excellent.
Dick.

@StrangeLookingParasite - I know exactly what you mean by the feelings of failure - I beat myself up so much about failing to breastfeed. As I said earlier, cbt has helped me move past that (though I can still easily find myself thinking those failure thoughts again).

My heart goes out to you - I wish I could help.

Strange I just find it bizarre that strangers are so very 'concerned' or 'worried' about other peoples babies. It's very very... Odd.

I strongly support a woman's right to breastfeed anywhere and think that the experience of breastfeeding can be wonderful. However, I do think that there is not enough support for women who can't or choose not to and unfortunately some HCPs seem to be very insensitive about this. In my experience, not many people choose not to breastfeed because they don't care about their children. Everyone I have met who formula feeds has some personal or practical reason why it just would not work for them and I know that almost all have been made to feel bad about this.

I breastfed DC 1 but due to medical issues (nothing like as bad as OPs, but did make it totally impossible to feed) I had to stop feeding DC2 after a week. Whilst I was in hospital receiving treatment for this issue one of the nurses gave me a lecture about how wasteful I was being for expressing milk (to relieve painful pressure) and putting it down the sink when apparently it could have kept a child alive in ICU. She did not seem to have given any thought to the fact I felt shit enough about it already and presumably the cocktail of drugs I was being prescribed would have got in to the milk anyway.

Having never prepared formula before I found there to be very little information available about how to do this safely, and lots of conflicting advice (I'm still baffled about how whether it can be prepared in advance or transported pre-made). Added to that, most of the information I found came from the manufacturers who I'm not sure I would trust to tell me the whole unbiased truth.

So pleased to hear the positive side of OPs story though.

Yanbu op. They should check your notes.

They seem to have changed the rule with formula prep. With Dd1 it was fine to make up batches. She was never Ill. Now you are not supposed to mOw up in advance.

"I just find it bizarre that strangers are so very 'concerned' or 'worried' about other peoples babies. It's very very... Odd."

Not odd at all - how babies are fed is a public health issue. Breastfeeding reduces ill health at both a population and an individual level, which is why the NHS considers it something it needs to educate parents about and support. It's because of people saying 'breastfeeding matters' that we've gone from a situation where breastfeeding looked in danger of dying out in the 1960's - not because it doesn't work for most people, but because of aggressive formula marketing and hospital practices which damaged breastfeeding, to a situation where over 80% of babies are now breastfed at birth.

I appreciate that people who don't value breastfeeding won't see it as a choice more important than the buggy someone buys for their baby, but for those of us who see breastfeeding as being of value - it will always be something worth advocating for.

"The crack about 'mimics the closeness and comfort which babies and mums can get with breastfeeding' yeah, us formula feeders feed our babies at the end of a long fucking spiky stick, because we're unnatural like that. Honestly, every single pro-breatfeeder seems to think taking incredibly cruelly about formula"

That is SO defensive. WHO says formula is cruel? Who? Why do you feel the need to exaggerate and stir up bad feeling. Do you think it helps the OP to read your lies and exaggeration? To believe that there are people out there who think formula feeding is 'cruel'?

The point I was trying to make is that breastfeeding and bottlefeeding are DONE differently. Women who breastfeed spend more time feeding - they are told to 'breastfeed on demand' to protect lactation, and this means that they are encouraged to be responsive to their baby's feeding cues and to spend as much time possible holding them, and doing skin to skin, BECAUSE THESE ARE PRACTICES WHICH SUPPORT LACTATION. They are also responsive practices which we now know are good for babies in relation to their physical and cognitive development.

Maybe some people who bottle feed have done the same, but until very recently bottle feeding on demand and paced feeding wasn't discussed much with parents, even though it's a healthy practice which encourages closeness and responsiveness between mums and babies. Formula feeding lends itself to scheduling and women have traditionally been encouraged to bottle feed set amounts of formula to a set schedule. So nothing judgemental there - just an acknowledgement that something which we now believe to be valuable about breastfeeding could be extended to bottlefeeding. But you choose to read that as 'some folk think people who use formula are cruel'? :-(

mini that's bollocks. I didn't even entertain the idea of breastfeeding my second son, and that's no body's concern but my own. Worry about your own bloody kids and stop drivveling on about a wee bit of tit milk fgs.

I wonder if it's sometimes due to notes being from different hospitals. My maternity notes and my cancer notes are in two different hospitals.
They could ask if you are planning to breast feed though leading to a conversation about maybe how to ff instead.

mini that's bollocks. I didn't even entertain the idea of breastfeeding my second son, and that's no body's concern but my own. Worry about your own bloody kids and stop drivveling on about a wee bit of tit milk fgs

And the award fir best post ever goes to...

Oh, Op, sorry this happened to you. Congratulations on your new baby ✨

I chose not the breastfeed my third child. At age 42 I was questioned like a child about my reasons. My go to fuck off answer was " I am not breastfeeding because I don't want to" said repeatedly with an ice cold smile. Woman should be free to feed their baby in whatever manner they chose without any interference.

You do get babies that can't bottle feed too. Some HCp were better than others in recognising and helping.

DIanaMemorialJam, you are the bomb.