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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband changed DH is mind

110 replies

heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 15:18

My DH and I have a DD who will be 3 in May.

I've always wanted a second and made no bones about it. I've always known DH would've been happy with one but since I'm an only child and hate it he's always said he'd have another one.

I changed jobs last year and in order to qualify for full pay I needed to wait until the end of march to
Try to conceive. He's always been ok with this but has said he doesn't want to wait much longer.

In a heated discussion today he said he didn't want anymore. I've been speaking to him recently about how looking forward I was to trying again and hopefully conceiving and he'd never said a thing.

Honestly my heart is broken. I dont know what to do. I feel like I've been led up the garden path. I'm sitting upstairs having a quiet cry because I got a big teary earlier and he told me to come back when I can discuss it like an adult.

Please be gentle with me, I'm devastated and not sure what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 15:21

He's just ignoring me now and refusing to speak to me.

I honestly wish I could just walk away

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 19/02/2017 15:22

Did he lie about wanting another? Or change his mind?

If he didnt want another, he should have been honest.

If he has changed his mind its not his fault.

He also may have also been going akong with the idea for you, but realised he really doesnt want to

Original poster
heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 15:23

He'd always said he'd have another but would be ok if we didn't have one if you see what I mean.

I'm not even sure how my marriage can go on now. I know that sounds dramatic but I'm really struggling

OP posts:
Enko · 19/02/2017 15:23

Oh gosh.. Not sure what to say apart from he is not being an adult if he is ignoring you and refusing to talk about something that really has hurt you badly,,

I understand to some extend as I would have loved one more but dh was on no (however I have more than 1) It is sadly one of those things you just can not compromise on.

ImperialBlether · 19/02/2017 15:24

I would feel really betrayed by this. And I wouldn't welcome being told I was childish for getting upset about it, either.

Enko · 19/02/2017 15:24

No doesn't sound dramatic it is a big change in how you saw your life panning out.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 19/02/2017 15:26

I know you say you didn't like being an only child but remember you dd is her own person and may love it, I did and I will only be dd no other children for me.

I think it's ok for your DH to change his mind about wanting another child, it's all well and good saying I'd like another one but 3 years later life has changed and it's ok to say actually it's not what I want. Although your dh should of had a talk and told you this rather than in an argument.
Ultimately his not wanting one trumps your want for another child, You can find a way to accept it or if having 2 children is what you want they you can leave and look to meet a new partner.

KateDaniels2 · 19/02/2017 15:27

So when he said he would be ok wuth another one, was he telling the truth?

That would be the main bit for me.

If he has lied and led you on, the marriage would be over for me.

If he had changed his mind since saying he would be ok with another, i wouldnt be ending it immediately.

People change their minds. You may decide you want 3.

PageStillNotFound404 · 19/02/2017 15:27

Oh you poor thing. I'm sorry, I don't have any blinding insights to help you move forward but I have so much sympathy. I always think that this must be one of the hardest positions to be in because there's no compromising really, is there? He is absolutely entitled to change his mind over something as huge as having another child, but under the circumstances it must feel like he's suddenly moved the goalposts on you.

Flowers for you.

RandomMess · 19/02/2017 15:29

His attitude to how much you hurting is utterly awful!!!

I can honestly say I thought very very very long and hard as to whether I could stay in a relationship if my then dp wouldn't agree to having another child. I did tell him that I couldn't stay if he wasn't prepared to have one more and if we did I promised that would be the last (obvious some awful tragedy excluded) and there would be not further asking/badgering and so on.

You need to give yourself some time to grieve and then actually decide what you want. His lack of empathy is unreasonable and cruel IMHO.

SoMuchPain · 19/02/2017 15:31

I think you need to give it some time and let him think about it. People often say things they don't mean. Was it heat of the moment? You said it was a heated discussion. Could you write it all down for him? You obviously love each other enough to get married and have one child. Something is working for you. I think give it time

Armadillostoes · 19/02/2017 15:34

YANBU-Your DH has misled you about something incredibly serious. Also calling you childish for crying in these circumstances is totally unacceptable. That is a major betrayal of trust followed by a nasty attempt to deflect blame. You are not being dramatic or unreasonable.

callymarch · 19/02/2017 15:35

I have 2 DD's almost exactly 4 years apart. I wasn't an only child but didnt want my DC's to be either so was over the moon to have 2nd DD. Imagined they would grow up best of friends together. Now 16 and 12. Have hated the sight of each other since they were small and quite frankly has made bringing them up together in the same house a nightmare for the last 10 years or so. It doesnt always work out as you imagine.

However, your DH should have been a bit more upfront and honest with you, discussing it in a reasonable adult manner without turning it into an argument and then not talking to you.

WonderMike · 19/02/2017 15:35

Changing his mind - ok
Lying about it - not ok
Daring to tell you to only come back when you can behave like an adult about it - not ok
Ignoring you because that's soooooo adult, isn't it - not ok

How he is handling this says so much more about how he feels about you than how he feels about another child.

picklemepopcorn · 19/02/2017 15:35

I'm hoping that his horrible behaviour right now is caused by his guilt over letting you down. Hopefully he'll apologise for that at some point.

I'm not sure his desire not to have one trumps yours to have one. It's about the strength of feeling, not just a one vote each. It's a decision to come to together, not that one should get the final say over. Not if you want to stay married.

Can you ask him why? A woman deciding she doesn't want a second pregnancy with all that it involves is different and definitely 'wins' any decision making. This is less clear I think.

He may not want no2 if he has doubts about your relationship, in which case that needs sorting ASAP. He may feel that you are just getting your mojo back as a couple. If you are hung up and depressed over being denied a second child then that won't last long.

Againagain97 · 19/02/2017 15:36

Sorry somuchpai, I disagree I think many a true word is spoken in anger.

Also how long should OP await to see if he changes his mind? A month, a year, 5 years? How awful to live like that?

OP awful situation but who the hell gets to win?

His attitude stinks,

TaliDiNozzo · 19/02/2017 15:38

Much like others have said, my reaction to this now would depend very much on whether he had changed his mind or whether he has been outright lying to you. If it's the latter I would find it very difficult to get past it. I'm not sure I could at all - being lied to about something so serious would perhaps be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 15:41

I'm not really a crier but if I ever do then accuses me of being manipulative.

So I can't show I'm upset without accusations being made that I'm manipulating him

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 19/02/2017 15:43

I got a big teary earlier and he told me to come back when I can discuss it like an adult.

He's just ignoring me now and refusing to speak to me.

He sounds like an abusive arse to me.

I'm sorry OP Flowers It's exceptionally cruel to do what he's done. I suppose he can't help it if he's genuinely changed his mind, but he ought to be approaching this with real compassion and sensitivity. He's completely wrong to drop it on you in the middle of an argument, belittle your emotions and then refuse to discuss it further.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 19/02/2017 15:46

Is it possible he has just said something he doesn't really mean in the heat of the moment? My DH has said on a couple of occasions that he doesn't want a second child but it's been mid-argument when I know the financial responsibility and thought of sleepless nights etc get too much for him. Once he calms down he is ok (if not wildly enthusiastic!) about it.

KateDaniels2 · 19/02/2017 15:46

What was the argument about?

Trills · 19/02/2017 15:48

I'm not really a crier but if I ever do then accuses me of being manipulative.

This is a horrible thing to do. Will he do this to your DD as well?

Suzytwoshoes · 19/02/2017 15:49

He sounds like hard work. Sorry you are going through this OP. Maybe you need to evaluate whether you see yourself staying with him long term another child or not, then see what is more important to you.

PandorasAlmightyBox · 19/02/2017 15:52

He doesn't sound abusive at all to me!

This is such a huge life changer, to have children, I do not understand why anyone (man or woman) should have more input on this than the other

So he's changed his mind, better to say now, rather than resent another child?? I don't see he has lied but he has called the OP manipulative before - who is to say he hasn't felt railroaded into having another child?

EweAreHere · 19/02/2017 15:53

What was the argument about?

And adults cry. For many reasons. He's an arse for suggesting you weren't being an adult because you cried over what he has said.

Did he change his mind? Or has he been lying to you? It would change how I felt about him, but ultimately, the outcome would be the same: you have to decide if you can live with it or if you want to leave to give yourself a chance to have another child.

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