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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

husband changed DH is mind

110 replies

heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 15:18

My DH and I have a DD who will be 3 in May.

I've always wanted a second and made no bones about it. I've always known DH would've been happy with one but since I'm an only child and hate it he's always said he'd have another one.

I changed jobs last year and in order to qualify for full pay I needed to wait until the end of march to
Try to conceive. He's always been ok with this but has said he doesn't want to wait much longer.

In a heated discussion today he said he didn't want anymore. I've been speaking to him recently about how looking forward I was to trying again and hopefully conceiving and he'd never said a thing.

Honestly my heart is broken. I dont know what to do. I feel like I've been led up the garden path. I'm sitting upstairs having a quiet cry because I got a big teary earlier and he told me to come back when I can discuss it like an adult.

Please be gentle with me, I'm devastated and not sure what to do

OP posts:

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/02/2017 17:34

Is he saying no never ever, or is he saying lets not try just yet? Because there is a huge difference. Even if you were both in agreement, it might not happen straight away? It could happen straight away, take months or even years...

What you need to establish is whether his decision is final. Ask him why he's suddenly changed his mind? Is it the fact that your DD is at a difficult age maybe or it's to do with you going part-time? Is he worried about the financial implications for example?

zeeboo · 19/02/2017 17:34

For me it would be a total game changer and I'd have to leave him. Very harsh yes, but my desire for children has always been overwhelming and I'd never have been able to stop at one. Had I had medical issues I'd have explored surrogacy or adoption etc.
I think his 'changing his mind' over something so big is a breach of marital contract.
Plus, the way he's behaving shows he's immature and emotionally bankrupt so I wouldn't want to be with him long term.

Out2pasture · 19/02/2017 17:37

So are the tantrum and child behaviour the reason he doesn't want another? If so it may be reasonable to wait as they generally outgrow the phase. Why the rush? Why this year and not next? Why are you so fixed on this?

Want2bSupermum · 19/02/2017 17:38

My brother wanted six kids before he spent half an hour with mine. Now he tells me him and SIL want two!

He is allowed to change his mind. You have been focused on having #2 because that is what you really want. I think your DH thinks you are not considering him in this and it is about what you want and not him. Cry it out in your room, go for a walk and then sit down and talk to him.

The worst part about marriage is that you have to give up something sometimes. It sucks and I hate it but you do have to listen to him and he has to listen to you. I would be very upset that he changed his mind and hasn't talked to you earlier about it but relived that he told you now rather than when you are already pregnant.

BadKnee · 19/02/2017 17:41

He is right you need a bit of time to get over the argument - both of you - and then when you both feel a bit calmer talk about it again.

As I understood it he was always clear that he didn't really want another child but sort of went along with it because you did and you persuaded him. Maybe now the reality of what raising a child actually entails has made it clear to him that he does not want that again. That is fair.

It would be nice if you could reconcile this - if you love him and your DD enough for a second child not to be the breaking up of the family then good. If that is not enough then so be it. You can't stay with someone if you don't want to.

I hope that you can sort this out OP. It is always hard if a couple does not agree on children.

BadKnee · 19/02/2017 17:44

Oh and by the way - I wish I had been an only child.

Jayfee · 19/02/2017 17:48

i really desperately wanted a third child but dh didnt so i eventually accepted that unless i could do all night feeds, baby care etc , we would stay as we were. you will need to do a lot more talking.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 19/02/2017 18:00

He has every right to change his mind, it's not selfish. It's very very selfish to pressure somebody into a child they don't want and utterly selfish to leave to have another elsewhere taking existing children from their other parent.

Maybe the baby talk has been too much, who on earth says it will be great to be pregnant for upcoming events. Or maybe the fact you will have extra expenses yet plan to stop working full time means he will have to fund your choices.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/02/2017 18:06

We have a few events coming up this year and I've been saying how lovely it would be to be pregnant for them

Sorry but that sounds strange

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 18:07

It's interesting the argument was about your daughters tantrums, I can see why if someone is not sure they want another one, having difficulty parenting the current one might push them to think no more. Raising children isn't easy, it's hard work. Yes it's the most rewarding thing ever but it's no walk in the park and you don't know that till you've done it. All kids are different and some are harder and more demanding than others.

If you're going through a particularly difficult phase with your daughter now that could explain why he's suddenly thinking no more.

callmeadoctor · 19/02/2017 18:08

Thats what I thought Piglet!

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 18:10

I'd also agree piglet. Wanting to be pregnant for events would indctate it's about the attention and not about the reality of having a child. It's an unusual thing to say.

Trills · 19/02/2017 18:16

I cannot think of a single "event" that would be more fun to attend while pregnant than not.

Not able to drink, needing to pee a lot, possible nausea, restricted choice of clothing.

Where is the upside?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2017 18:20

"I'm not really a crier but if I ever do then [he] accuses me of being manipulative."

"So I can't show I'm upset without accusations being made that I'm manipulating him"

"I'm sitting upstairs having a quiet cry because I got a big teary earlier and he told me to come back when I can discuss it like an adult."

That's a pretty low tactic of his. He gets to decide whether or not you can show how upset you are by his behaviour? And treat you like a child? It's patronising, controlling, emotionally abusive and completely uncaring of him.

And from how you've worded this, I think this is not the first time he's called you manipulative and treated you like a child? That is just not on. It's a nasty way to treat you, and just compounds the hurt you already felt.

got a big teary earlier and he told me to come back when I can discuss it like an adult.

Quartz2208 · 19/02/2017 18:21

It sounds like he has had doubts for awhile about what he wants and has pushed them to one side, the argument brought up what he was thinking and right now he goes not want to talk about it.

For me though you made one comment that summed up the problem might be, that you were looking forward to having a child so you could go part time. Do you think some of it might be a financial one.

The thing is having another child is not as simple as saying we want one, at least not always. For us having a second was a real discussion about how it would work practically and financially, and the age gap was factored in. Part of me would like another particularly as both are going to be at school come September but I know it's not practical.

The thing is it's not something that can be compromised on, only discussed rationally and sensibly. Simply wanting one or not wanting one is not enough

callmeadoctor · 19/02/2017 18:23

Agree with Quartz :-) You have to sit down and have a rational discussion, pros and cons.

Lweji · 19/02/2017 18:29

I think you do need to have a proper conversation with him about how both of you feel without tears or shouting.

You are an adult and should be able to make such decisions through talking.

It's not good if you are calm now and he's shutting you down.

Remember when talking with him that his point of view is just as valid. And children shouldn't be forced on partners.

Blossomdeary · 19/02/2017 18:32

He is entitled to change his mind, but not to treat you so unkindly when you are upset by that change of mind. Not a nice thing to do - possibly not a nice man?

timeisnotaline · 19/02/2017 18:34

Op has also said she changed jobs to earn more money to prepare for this child- those people saying she expects him to pay for it and calling her looking forward to part time as slacking off from financial responsibility seem to have only read half of some sentences. You have every right to feel shocked and upset OP and he is being very unreasonable in minimising how you feel, I wouldn't stand for his reaction.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 19/02/2017 18:44

Working a few months FT doesn't them give somebody the automatic right to double their child related expenses and cut their hours. It's highly unlikely that in that time the OP will have earned enough extra to cover the child costs for life. Therefore he is going to be left to shoulder the responsibility and it doesn't look like he had a say in that.

The OP very much reads about what she wants, his wants and worries seem to have been disregarded.

I'd not want to have another child with somebody that just saw me as a donor and financer.

PageStillNotFound404 · 19/02/2017 19:23

I think some people are being a bit harsh. The OP's posts don't read as though she's been treating her DH as "donor and financier". In fact had she not changed jobs (it doesn't say that she went from PT to FT btw, just that she changed to a higher-earning job and had to then work long enough to qualify for full maternity benefits - she may have been FT all along) they might already have #2 on the way since it's the DH who said he didn't want to leave it past March to start trying.

In the same way as others are assuming the worst about the OP, I'm assuming that once her DH had agreed to have a second child, things like going PT in the future would have been discussed, even if briefly. And it seems other aspects of being pregnant have been (timing, events etc).

It sounds as though either he NEVER wanted #2 but hasn't taken the previous opportunities when the subject has been raised to say so and it's burst out of him now under pressure, or he has changed his mind quite recently. (Or he's saying it without 100% meaning it as a deliberately hurtful thing to punish you for disagreeing with him over DD's tantrums, but I'd like to think for your sake OP that he wouldn't be such a dick.)

I think before you can decide what you want to do, you need to give him a chance to talk to you honestly, without getting upset or trying to counter his points. I'm not for a moment saying he's justified in saying crying is manipulative - that's quite manipulative of him himself - but in this case before you can make any decisions, you need to understand how he feels and if he thinks you're going to try to change his mind, he's either going to get annoyed or may fall back into saying what you want to hear, if that has been the problem. And if you have been a little guilty of assuming or taking his silence for acquiescence because that's what you want, it's important he knows that you are no longer doing that and you genuinely want to hear his honest thoughts once he's calm. You might have to prepare yourself to say "thank you for being honest" and walk away again to have another little cry and/or make some big decisions in private afterwards.

Oly5 · 19/02/2017 19:27

If be broken hearted. I could never give up my desire for a second child

Original poster

heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 19:57

I've worked all my days and have a bloody good job that I've worked my arse off to get. I'm hardly looking for a donor and a financier. he'd agreed to have a second child which is why I just find it so uosetting

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/02/2017 20:11

Have you sat down and listened to what he has to say OP ?

Original poster

heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 21:23

He's still refusing to speak to me sugar so no I haven't

OP posts:

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