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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband changed DH is mind

110 replies

heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 15:18

My DH and I have a DD who will be 3 in May.

I've always wanted a second and made no bones about it. I've always known DH would've been happy with one but since I'm an only child and hate it he's always said he'd have another one.

I changed jobs last year and in order to qualify for full pay I needed to wait until the end of march to
Try to conceive. He's always been ok with this but has said he doesn't want to wait much longer.

In a heated discussion today he said he didn't want anymore. I've been speaking to him recently about how looking forward I was to trying again and hopefully conceiving and he'd never said a thing.

Honestly my heart is broken. I dont know what to do. I feel like I've been led up the garden path. I'm sitting upstairs having a quiet cry because I got a big teary earlier and he told me to come back when I can discuss it like an adult.

Please be gentle with me, I'm devastated and not sure what to do

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 19/02/2017 15:54

Ok, sorry but we are moving into LTB and start again with someone new territory now. We waste so much of our lives on people like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 15:54

It sounds as though he may be manipulating you. He's really going for the jugular by accusing you of being childish or manipulative. He's right fighting when you should be talking about it rationally. This would make me suspect he had something to hide (even if he doesn't) and maybe he just pretended he'd be ok to have a second. My dd is ivf and I only have one child but I can certainly empathise. In your position, I don't know what I'd do. But frankly I wouldn't take this lying down.

measles64 · 19/02/2017 15:56

My DH said he did not want any more after two which was fine. He would not go for the snip I did not want to be laid up not being able to drive so we muddled along.

Years later I got pregnant we went to the Doctor together he assumed I was going to have a termination when we discussed it in front of Doctor I blurted out that I would rather have a lovely baby than a grumpy old man, he was shocked that I would choose the baby over him.

What I am trying to say is what is more important your marriage or another child? Only you can answer that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 15:56

And it's a good job he isn't married to me. I leak. A lot. If I were accused of being manipulative I'd be devastated. I just am someone, who cries easily. I cry when I read stories on here and I certainly don't have an audience for that.

jacks11 · 19/02/2017 15:58

YANBU to be upset. It would not have been unreasonable to have changed his mind about another child but he would be unreasonable if he had lied to you about being happy to have a second child.

I think the former is something you need to discuss between you, as neither would be "wrong" in your view, but you do have to come to some sort of agreement. Personally, I would be hesitant to end an otherwise ok marriage when there is already a child because my partner had changed his mind re more children (though not sure from your description that this is an otherwise happy marriage). If it's the latter and your DH has lied to you then I think that is a big problem and you are entitled to an explanation from him. I don't know whether I would end the marriage, but it would be a tough thing to get past.

All that said, he is definitely being an arse over his handling of it. I know things can be said in anger that are not meant, or not meant to be said in the way they are said, but his behaviour since has not been fair at all. He is fair from acting like an adult given that he is now ignoring you.

It sounds to me like you have more pressing problems in your marriage than the question of another child if you feel you cannot express any emotion to your DH for fear of being called manipulative. Given that, are you sure now is the right time to be pushing for another child?

Isetan · 19/02/2017 16:01

If it's a deal breaker, say so and if he bleats on about you being manipulative just tell him that your desire for a second child isn't a recent development. I think given his at best, past ambivalence towards a second child and at worst not ever wanting a second, you will have to accept that having a second was never a sure thing with this man.

I can totally understand your disappointment and frustration and I recommend you take some time to process this new information but ultimately, if you have to apply pressure to someone to have a child, then they aren't the best person to be having a child with.

diddl · 19/02/2017 16:02

His treatment of you sounds absolutely awful, Op.

" I've always known DH would've been happy with one "

What does that actually mean?

Did he ever actually say that he only wanted one & you didn't hear it, or that he'd like two, but if only one happened then so be it?

Armadillostoes · 19/02/2017 16:07

Pandora-please re-read the OP, it is quite clear that he lied. The only thing which isn't clear is at what stage he began to mislead her, something which the OP herself is not in a position to know. Furthermore, calling the OP manipulative is he usual response to her crying. Communicating to your partner that expressing emotion = being manipulative is abusive in my view.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/02/2017 16:07

OP, you poor love, have a hand hold. You need to go downstairs and hear him out. The way he has just spoken to you, about such an emotive issue, is downright cruel.
He is entitled to change his mind, but you need to know the ins and outs, for your self. You can then decide how you will proceed.
Has this come out of the blue ? 💐

Original poster
heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 16:08

I'm not even sure kate

I'm devastated. I took on a new job to earn more money. I work full time and I was really open about looking forward to having another child and then working part time

I feel like someone has died and I don't know what to do

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2017 16:09

Unfortunately, he is entitled to change his mind. And IMO, someone NOT having a child they don't want trumps their partner having a child they do want.

This is something you really, really need resolve with him. If you can't do it without crying (I'm a crier too) then write down (as unemotionally as you can) your feelings and reasons for wanting another child and hand him the letter. No threats about leaving, you are simply saying why you want one and asking him why he doesn't. A counselor had me do this during a bad time DH and I had because I couldn't 'speak my truth' without dissolving into tears. DH also seemed to be able to 'get' my feelings better and was less defensive when he could read them. It will be up to you whether or not you'll want to talk to him afterwards about his feelings or whether you'd rather he 'write you back'.

What may happen if you can't agree comes after you've both clarified your positions.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 16:09

I don't think either of you are handling it very maturely if I'm honest.

I'd assume he thought he would have another one but when it came to it, he's changed his mind which is his right to do. However he should have told you a better way, although maybe he didn't know how to and that's why it came out like this.

He's right in that sitting in your room crying isn't the answer, not right now anyway. The two of uou need to sit down and discuss this calmly. Both listening to the other.

Why did you hate being an only child? My daughter is one and she loves it. My brother and I have no contact and it was hell growing up together. Many siblings hate each other's guts.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 16:11

t is quite clear that he lied.

Prickles123 · 19/02/2017 16:11

I'm not sure that he is entitled to change his mind about wanting another child, or at least not without a hell of a lot more discussion. What was he going to do if you had already conceived? He's married you on the basis that you wanted more than one child and that he agreed to that. Had he told you that under no circumstances would he ever want more than one child, you may well have taken different decisions. You don't really pull the carpet out under the person you are supposed to love in that way.

Original poster
heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 16:14

bluntness

I loved being an only child when I was younger but now the thought of my parents (to whom I'm very close) dying fills me with dread.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 16:16

I'm not sure that he is entitled to change his mind about wanting another child,

melj1213 · 19/02/2017 16:16

I'm not sure his desire not to have one trumps yours to have one. It's about the strength of feeling, not just a one vote each. It's a decision to come to together, not that one should get the final say over. Not if you want to stay married.

Honestly, I disagree and I think in a case of becoming a parent, the one who doesn't want to have them "trumps" the one who does as you shouldn't force someone to be a parent just because you want to be one. Just as it is a chioce whether or not to stay with someone who has made the opposite choice to you.

If I was in a relationship and wanted another child (already have a DD with an ex) and my new partner didn't then I'd have to respect their decision and either stay with them knowing that or, if the desire for another child was stronger, leave them for someone with the same desire to parent. If my partner wanted another child and I don't - same thing.

I'd hope that, as part of a loving and respectful relationship we would be able to talk about it and discuss the "reluctant" party's concern in a civilised manner without it turning into a huge argument where things are said in the heat of the moment - is it a concern for the finances, or child care or some other issue that can be discussed and worked out? Or is it just that they really don't want more children and their mind is not going to be changed, no matter how much discussion happens? - but until that is resolved, you have to respect their wishes and hold off TTC.

picklemepopcorn · 19/02/2017 16:17

*Measles!
*
"when we discussed it in front of Doctor I blurted out that I would rather have a lovely baby than a grumpy old man, he was shocked that I would choose the baby over him."

I love your turn of phrase! Dare I ask, what happened next? Do you have a baby and a grumpy old man? My DH is allergic to cats, and I find myself eyeing up the future as a old cat woman or an old woman with a grumpy husband. Pondering...

Original poster
heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 16:18

We have a few events coming up this year and I've been saying how lovely it would be to be pregnant for them and he's nodded in agreement and never once told me to cool my jets

OP posts:
missyB1 · 19/02/2017 16:19

I would be concerned about why crying is so unacceptable to him, sounds like he has issues with you expressing emotion. I would be suggesting to him that he reflects on that question! It's not at all immature to cry but it is immature to patronise or get angry with someone who is crying.
I'm not sure you should have another child with this man tbh.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 16:20

My dd is an only and would make a wonderful sibling. She's 8 and has already decided long ago she will have 2 children. Dh and I give her plenty of wonderful experiences and she does a lot of sporting activities with other children as she craves company constantly. I know she'd love a sibling. Ivf ruined my health so it wasn't to be. If we didn't give her these experiences, odds on she'd hate being an only too.

We aren't talking about my dd I know. I'm just saying it can be made to work for your child. And my friend has 3. Her youngest would have made an ideal only as he craves his parents attention so they have to be careful to give 1-2-1. They joke about how he should have been an only child because his behaviour is impeccable if he's just with them and no one else.

I do think you need to have a jolly good think about your dds situation and not just assume because you hated something she will too. She's her own Person.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2017 16:22

I really fucking hate people who kick off at others for crying. I have was accused of being manipulative when I cried, but the fact was the my ex didnt like the evidence and results of his cruelty right there in front of him.

Without tears then he could convince himself that he was 100% right, but with tears it proved tht he was being mean and nasty. It wasnt me being manipulative, but him in order to not have to deal with the consequences of his actions.

For a start I would be saying to him that to be upset and cry because of a huge disappointment is not childish but to refused to acknowledge that hurt, to refused to discuss it is incredibly childish and manipulative.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 16:22

I loved being an only child when I was younger but now the thought of my parents (to whom I'm very close) dying fills me with dread.

ExitStage · 19/02/2017 16:23

I'm not sure that he is entitled to change his mind about having another child.

Really? Everyone is entitled to say whether they want to be a parent or not before conception. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

We don't know he had lied and maybe feels he is being manipulated by the OPs tears.

callmeadoctor · 19/02/2017 16:27

To be fair, if you love each other, this is not make or break. You have to sit down (stop crying) and DISCUSS the reason for and against calmly. Maybe he thinks an only child will be happier? Or is it financial, sleepless nights etc. It is a big deal in any case, but you need to find out what he really thinks, good luck xx (by the way, I have an only child and she LOVES it!)