Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

husband changed DH is mind

110 replies

heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 15:18

My DH and I have a DD who will be 3 in May.

I've always wanted a second and made no bones about it. I've always known DH would've been happy with one but since I'm an only child and hate it he's always said he'd have another one.

I changed jobs last year and in order to qualify for full pay I needed to wait until the end of march to
Try to conceive. He's always been ok with this but has said he doesn't want to wait much longer.

In a heated discussion today he said he didn't want anymore. I've been speaking to him recently about how looking forward I was to trying again and hopefully conceiving and he'd never said a thing.

Honestly my heart is broken. I dont know what to do. I feel like I've been led up the garden path. I'm sitting upstairs having a quiet cry because I got a big teary earlier and he told me to come back when I can discuss it like an adult.

Please be gentle with me, I'm devastated and not sure what to do

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 19/02/2017 16:29

We have a few events coming up this year and I've been saying how lovely it would be to be pregnant for them (Sorry OP that does sound a bit weird though, never heard anybody say that!!)

WhispersOnTheWind · 19/02/2017 16:30

It's hard when you've set your heart on something but I think there's something in the point that maybe he's always felt conflicted and a bit railroaded by your strongly felt and expressed desire for a 2nd child. I'm sure he's feeling horrible that he's let you down but he could be a bit more sensitive and calling you manipulative is out of order, you can't help feeling very emotional in the face of such profound disappointment. He is right in a way though, not the ignoring which is childish, but do I think discussing this further right now when feelings are running so high isn't going to be productive. Tbh, given that he has changed his mind it would be very wrong to push for a 2nd child he might resent.

BillSykesDog · 19/02/2017 16:34

You were having a row and something was said in the heat of the moment. I would suggest that you both calm down and discuss it again when you're both calm.

I suspect that his normal attitude of wanting a second child is probably closer to his real feelings than a hurtful jibe during a row.

EurusHolmesViolin · 19/02/2017 16:35

He has every right to change his mind. You have every right to respond to that however you choose. You don't get to control his decision and he doesn't get to control your reaction. You're not being childish or silly. It's very serious, people can and do separate over this issue.

Pretty concerning that you can't cry without being called manipulative, though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 16:35

I don't think so call me. Op said they agreed they would be trying from a certain date. I think it was more of a protection strategy whilst awaiting the ttc date. Maybe I'm wrong.

Topseyt · 19/02/2017 16:40

It is, of course, his prerogative to change his mind about having a second child, but if he did change his mind then he should have discussed it calmly with you. That is a reasonable approach to take.

However, if he changed his mind, didn't discuss it and continued to talk as if there would be another child then he was being unreasonable. From your posts I get the feeling that you would put him in this category? Is that right?

Be is also being a twat if he thinks that he can throw that sort of a bombshell without it distressing you and probably making you cry. Sulking about it is really a very immature reaction from him, and very unattractive.

There is a lot for you to think about. It would be a deal breaker for a lot of people if he has lied and misled over such a huge issue. Only you can make that decision for your own situation though.

I will wish you luck, and send for you. Sorry things are so hard at the moment.

Out2pasture · 19/02/2017 16:41

Please can someone explain how reasonable it is to say how many children you want prior to having any?
So you have one, you realize the work and lifestyle adjustments and if you decide you don't want more this is now unreasonable?
OP the question I'd like answered is why the change?

Topseyt · 19/02/2017 16:42

*He is , not Be. Stupid auto-correct.

Trills · 19/02/2017 16:42

I agree Out2pasture - the only reasonable number of children to want is "one more than I have now" or "no more".

You can make a guess as to how you'll feel, but it shouldn't ever be treated as a promise.

catx1606 · 19/02/2017 16:45

Having siblings won't ensure that you will share the burden when parents die. I've lost both my parents and as my brother has special needs, It was left to me to sort out the estate and funerals and it was my husband who was my rock during that time not my brother.

He may have been agreeing about a second child because he knew how much you wanted one and could have felt awful about letting you down by saying he didn't and just didn't know how to deal with it. You both need to talk calmly about this. If he truly doesn't want one, then you would both need to decide where to go from there.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 16:45

You can make a guess as to how you'll feel, but it shouldn't ever be treated as a promise.

KateDaniels2 · 19/02/2017 16:45

it is quite clear that he lied

Its not at all from what i can see.

Op you dont know what the argument was about? Really?

This all seems really confusing. You know he really only wanted one, so you know he only agreed to another for you. You have always known, deep down, that he only wants one.

You had an argument that has turned into to wondering if you should and the marriage, but dont know what it was over?

He accusing you of manipulating him if you cry. You seem to have a lot of problems in this relationship. Could this be one of the reasons he doesnt want another?

Also to posters who are saying he is a shit for suggesting crying is manipulation, it can be. I have known quite a few people who cry to manipulate. I am not saying the op is doing that, but he may genuinely think she does.

Headofthehive55 · 19/02/2017 17:03

He has every right to change his mind, but you have ever right to change your mind being married to him.

RandomMess · 19/02/2017 17:05

I would ask him when he realised that he didn't want to have another child, and why he doesn't.

If he squirms an awful lot I think he has been stringing you along, if it was the realisation of TTC and starting again with a newborn then perhaps the reality has made him realise that he is happy with how it is.

It's a very tough place to be in and I really hope he grows up and starts treating you empathetically.

isadoradancing123 · 19/02/2017 17:07

Let things calm down a bit then discuss it.. I know how you must feel

StrangeLookingParasite · 19/02/2017 17:07

I'm sitting upstairs having a quiet cry because I got a big teary earlier and he told me to come back when I can discuss it like an adult.

I think this is a thoroughly shitty thing to say. Of course it's upsetting, and she is allowed to be upset. He doesn't get to tell her how she should feel.

RedAndYellowStripe · 19/02/2017 17:10

The big issue I have is that he seemed to still be going along with the idea until very very recently.
So either he HAS being lying to you, at least in the last, let's say, 6 months when he changed ged your mind.
Or he lied right form the start, hoping you would change your mind.
Or he took the easy route if going along with you whilst doing his best so that it wouldn't happen.
I mean he should have said something when you changed your job, talked about the events etc....

I also get completely what you mean about how devastating that sort of news is. I wanted 3 dcs, DH only two. That was clear from our aides, nothing changed there but accepting that I wounever have that 3rd child was a real bearavement for me. And it took a long time for me to get over it.

I think you need to talk. I suspect you will get the same answer than me, a look if you explain how hurt you are, that it does feel like a bearavemnet etc... DH never understood how you could grieve for something that has never existed.
You also need to decide whether it is a deal breaker for you. Can you live with having only one child?
Finally, can you accept the way he is reacting as well as the way he is treating you (comments about taking to you only when you can do so as an adult and the likes)?

jacks11 · 19/02/2017 17:10

I will preface what I am about to say with acknowledging that his handling of the situation has been crap, he was been unpleasant and I think there are deeper problems in the relationship than this one issue. I am also aware that the OPs DH hasn't actually said what his reasons are, but I think it is relevant to consider that he might have a legitimate concern about having more children though as there are very good reasons for changing your mind about more children, even if you have previously agreed to have x number of children before marriage.

These things are not set in stone and nobody should be railroaded into these things.

For instance, he may be finding parenting much more difficult than he anticipated and feel that he cannot cope with any more; there may be financial reasons for his reluctance to have more children (especially as OP is then planning to go PT); there could be issues around childcare. Although not likely to be the case for OPs DH, other reasons that may cause a change of heart after initial agreement could include thing like ill health of one of the partners; or having a child with additional needs leading to concerns about being able to cope with their needs and those of any further children. There are many more.

I have to say I would question how meaningful my relationship really was and how sincere my partners feelings for me ever truly were if my partner ended our marriage solely on the basis that I did not want to have another child.

Snifftest · 19/02/2017 17:17

Sounds like you didn't really listen to him when he said he only wanted one. My husband is guilty of this. I know I don't want more, I've said I don't want more. He says he doesn't want us to close the door on the conversation, that we can discuss it in a year/ 2 years etc.

I've told him I don't want any more but he gets upset and asks me not to say that, so I said whatever. He still says 'if we have another' I nod, I say 'hmmm'. Because he JUST WON'T LISTEN. Is it then my fault that he gets angry when he says 'we should start ttc' and I say no?

You haven't listened to him in the past and now you are angry that he's been firm.

YANBU to want another, YANBU to want to leave him to find someone who feels the same way. But he isn't being U not wanting any more.

OnionKnight · 19/02/2017 17:18

He's entitled to change his mind, just like you're entitled to divorce him OP.

Although I think breaking up a family in the hope that you'd meet someone else who wanted kids is a shite thing to do unless there were other reasons.

Original poster

heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 17:22

I think it started because we were bickering about our DD having tantrums.

It was a conversation that turned into a bicker which turned into a full blown argument.

For me it was a done deal that by the end of march we'd be trying for anothe rbaby

OP posts:

scorpio1981 · 19/02/2017 17:30

You were an only child and you didn't like it but what makes you think your DD will feel the same way? I'm the eldest of 4 and quite frankly if I didn't have 3 siblings it wouldn't have mattered one bit. My sisters on the other hand, are very close. You never can tell with kids how they will be with each other. I once chased my brother up the stairs with a bread knife after he told my mother about some infringement I'd committed.

As for your DH; big deal and so what? He's changed his mind or lied whatever, it doesn't really matter. Maybe he was always a bit indifferent about the whole thing and you pushing about it has just clarified his decision. Maybe he just doesn't like the idea of another little person taking over your life; maybe he doesn't like what pregnancy has done to your body or maybe he knows you can't really afford a second one. In a world that's bursting at the seams with humans, you are lucky enough to have one. Who knows, he might change his mind but its not a deal breaker. There are far far worse things he could be.

NewPuppyMum · 19/02/2017 17:31

He told you to come back when you could discuss it like an adult but he is now refusing to talk to you? I think he's the one not being a grown up.

He may have genuinely changed his mind but it does sound more like he has not wanted to be honest.

Do you want his baby or do you want a baby? Is it a deal breaker for either of you?

OneOfThemMenTypeThings · 19/02/2017 17:31

This is a tough one.

That he's ignoring you, accusing you of being manipulative and crying etc, I'm going to separate that out for a sec but there's no doubt that he's being a bit of a dick by doing this.

The core issue though is a really hard one. Based on what you've written and not knowing his mind we obviously can't and don't know if he's been lying for years, maybe thinking you'd not be in a position to actually have this second baby, but it is very possible he has changed his mind, and it has to be okay for him to do that, as hard as it is to accept. And you can bet that if he did want a second baby, and has changed his mind, he'll be struggling with that as well. Because if it's a deal breaker for you, there's only one way him being honest will go, so admitting to that - being honest about it - is not going to be an easy thing to do.

And if it is a deal breaker, you're in a completely different world to the one you imagined and wanted to have with your husband - two parents, two children. It's going to be two families. Where will your current child go? It's not going to be the nuclear family. So either you leave him because he may have understandably and fairly changed his mind, or you talk to him. Properly talk to him. Hopefully he'll stop being childish and you can have an honest chat about why he has changed his mind, if he ever wanted two, why you want/need two, etc. Not heated. But it needs to be a two-way street, with him appreciating your desires for two children, and you appreciating the fact that his feelings about this are equally valid.

Best of luck. I hope you can talk and work it out, one way or another.

diddl · 19/02/2017 17:31

Arguing about your daughter, arguing with each other-it's easy to see how he would say "no more".

Whether he means it, has always meant it, has changed his mind is something you have to discuss with him.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread