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Original poster

Being instructed to smile

170 replies

UncooperativeWoman · 19/02/2017 13:44

Trying to decide whether to have a word with the manager, when I'm next there, and whether he'll even understand:

In a local chain shop this weekend (obvious from my name change), at the checkout, no-one else around us. I was being perfectly polite and normal, said 'hello', 'yes I think I will buy a bag' etc etc.

The checkout guy starts commenting, "you're not smiling".
I just say 'uh huh' or something.
"You were smiling before, but now you aren't smiling".
"Right".
"Oh, I see, you aren't smiling now because its time to pay".

I thought he might have gauged by now that I'm really not going to join in a conversation about my perceived lack of outwardly displayed joy. I'm poised with my card at the reader, waiting for the 'swipe your card' command. I looked up to see if there was a problem, and the checkout guy brings his hand up, puts a finger at each corner of his mouth, and gestures pushing up into a smile shape. Then he let me pay.

It's the last bit that really annoys me; this pausing in the transaction, so he could instruct me to smile, even though I clearly didn't want to engage in this.

If a male customer refused to hand over his payment card until a woman cashier smiled for him, everyone would think he was a prick, right? This is the same type of thing isn't it?

OP posts:
Lillithxxx · 20/02/2017 18:05

Of course, you could just have said to him there and then that he was offending you and to please stop his friendly banter.

pollymere · 20/02/2017 18:19

He is paid to smile. You are not. Time to complain.

Alexcor · 20/02/2017 18:27

Our local shop has many checkout staff with learning disabilities, they sometimes are over the top with politeness but this doesn't bother me, could he have been told to be more pleasant?

Deidre21 · 20/02/2017 18:28

Moron! what an idiot!
Pointless conversation. As if he is talking to a child? Complain about his irritating "customer service"

venusinscorpio · 20/02/2017 18:35

It's not "friendly banter" and it's not "pleasant".

OldmumofKent · 20/02/2017 18:40

He was an idiot but would you really want him to lose his job over this? There's an assistant in my local store of the name you are suggesting who never used to say anything even though I would pointedly thank him for the paper I bought every day. It annoyed me but then I decided to always be extra polite and eventually he became a bit more responsive. The assistants are probably bored and just want to pass the time of day.

CattyMcCatface · 20/02/2017 18:43

This really gets my goat too. My face is obviously grumpy looking unless I am grinning like a lunatic, which is not very likely to happen when I am on my own. People always used to say this to me (but I have just realised it hasn't happened of late. Yippee!) and if I wasn't in a bad mood then, I bloody well was after! I have been reading through this thread for some good come backs, as I never can think of anything straight away (other than "go f* yourself") but sadly not found any. You've let me down people!

jayne1976 · 20/02/2017 18:48

Would glare at a stranger / random builder (stereotyping, but it's like wolf whistling) , don't expect to be told how to behave when I'm simply checking out some groceries! Would complain, or go in to his till purposely and tell him please don't tell me to smile again, otherwise I'll make sure you have little to smile about!

NameChange10001 · 20/02/2017 18:52

After my mum died some twat in the street told me to cheer up it might never happen. I said, "It did! My Mum died!" He just said, "Fuck off"

CosyCoupe88 · 20/02/2017 18:52

I had this today with some bus driver while I was on bus duty after a day at school as a teacher. Was told I should be smiling and that I especially should as I had already finished work for the day. Prick. I will be finished work by 10pm if I am lucky

TheMysteriousJackelope · 20/02/2017 18:53

It's the complete lack of logic that frustrates, and therefore irritates, me.

If you want someone to smile, smile at them yourself. If they are just not thinking and have resting basilisk face they will most likely smile back. If they are going through something horrible that is making them miserable then you won't have offended them.

How does telling someone to smile make their day any better? How does it make them feel like they want to smile?

Smudge100 · 20/02/2017 19:19

Definitely complain. Unacceptable behaviour. I recently complained in a supermarket, both to the culprit and his manager, when i was addressed by a shelf-stacker with, 'Yes, love?' I'm 61 yeaes of age, intelligent and a paying customer. I don't need to be patronised by misogynists.

NanniJ · 20/02/2017 19:29

Something similar happened to me just before Christmas. An acquaintance I met up with in Boots greeted me: "You are allowed to smile, you know!" Which she followed up by pulling a face to show what I looked like. I was ridiculously upset and couldn't bring myself to stop to chat as I would normally have done. I then felt I had to email her to apologise for being rude!

RoboticSealpup · 20/02/2017 19:46

I get this a lot. On a similar note, a relative took a photo of me at Christmas without warning. She then showed me the picture and said "Ooh, your look terribly serious there, Robotic" with an almost concerned tone. Well, yeah, that's what I look like.

Another time, I was waiting for a friend at the station and when she arrived, she said "My goodness you look uptight!" Well, yes. I have bitchy resting face. Always have had. Have you met me before? Yes you have. So you knew that already.

I'm thinking about having restylane in my lips. My sister did this and she's certain that she comes across as more feminine nicer and more likeable to others, and that others tend to take a more favorable view of her as a result. (She works with the public to some extent.)

GrumbleBumble · 20/02/2017 19:58

I have a naturally miserable expression when not actively smiling I get told I grumpy/miserable/worried/pissed off etc on a regular basis and often get cheer up and smiles are free and it might never happen regularly. More often from women of a certain age. My miscarriage, failed IVF cycles and husband being posted to war zone when our son was 2 years old made for some interesting replies.
Apros men "never" being told to smile does no-one remember Gordpn Brown?

DagenhamRoundhouse · 20/02/2017 20:25

This person is a real git. They have no idea of your circumstances, you might have had a bereavement, or be ill, or have depression or a cat just died. How dare they speak to you like that! I would do a tweet. That usually gets results as companies hate being named and shamed.

Flozle · 20/02/2017 20:56

Maybe he was trying to be hilarious and adhering to company policy about engaging customers (ASDA used to do it - pissed me off no end: you don't care that I'm going home to cut my grass, so stop pretending you do), so maybe it's a training issue.

I agree that it is evidence of an expectation that women have to present an appealing facade; I also agree that it is evidence of the casual sexism which a certain type of man insist we are over sensitive about, but, equally, it may never have occurred to him just how offensive or inappropriate his actions may be. You can convey whatever message you want.

mimishimmi · 20/02/2017 20:59

What a knob .... guys like this annoy the crap out of me.

Katherine2626 · 20/02/2017 22:31

Is this really worth making his life difficult for? Were you really that distressed/upset by someone who is clearly inept and a bit silly? Perhaps if you go in there again to his till and if he behaves in a way that offends you then maybe have a quiet word with the manager, but he is probably a silly man and needs ignoring.

Butterymuffin · 20/02/2017 22:39

He didn't mind making the OP's life difficult. She was hardly able to ignore him since she was trying to get served. Interesting how it's the woman who has to minimise and not make trouble for others.

Willow2016 · 20/02/2017 22:43

Buttery
'Cos obviously he thought she should have been flattered that he paid her so much attention and was making her day soooooooo much better by getting her to smile. (the fact he was holding her up was neither here nor there!)

PageStillNotFound404 · 20/02/2017 22:54

Is this really worth making his life difficult for?

If you choose to act like an officious arse, you risk the consequences of your behaviour - which may include people making a complaint about that behaviour. If his life were "made difficult" if the OP decided to complain that would be on him, not her.

venusinscorpio · 21/02/2017 00:05

It massively annoys me that people are telling the OP not to make a fuss and get over it. It's unpleasant to make people feel harassed and uncomfortable, there's nothing friendly or chatty about it. And there is a certain dynamic when a man does this to a woman. OP, you have every right to complain. If it is a training issue and he is genuinely unaware of causing offence, then it needs to be addressed. If he knows he shouldn't do it, he clearly needs to be told that it's not acceptable.

RiverTamFan · 21/02/2017 01:26

I'm late to this thread but I think you should send an email, OP. You wanted your husband for moral support on this but he clearly doesn't get it. It might, and it's a big might, have been that the cashier has special needs. Then he needs a Manager to take him aside and explain where the lines are. DS has Aspergers and has been known to say appalling things. He says less these days because we explain to him what is and isn't acceptable. Without that, he would never know.

I have complained in store about insulting behaviour, specifically in an Iceland. I was pushing our DD around in a trolley. She was about 9 at the time and has severe Special Needs and is non-verbal. She was vocalising as we went around with squeaks. Then I hear someone doing an impression of Ann from Little Britain from behind me, I whip around and there's two male staff in their late teens/early 20's. Sniggering. I was not amused. Incandescent would be more accurate. I went straight to the tills and asked for the Manager. He was really not amused. You see, it wasn't the first time they'd done this. They'd already been warned. They claimed they hadn't seen my DD (less than 3 metres away?). They got a written warning and vanished from the store shortly after.

Complain. You may not have been the first. You may not be the last but still don't let it go. And this was definitely about power because he used his ability to keep you waiting and looking at him to keep pushing his point.

PageStillNotFound404 · 21/02/2017 01:40

RiverTamFan that's appalling about the male staff member's behaviour, and well done for complaining. I've never watched Little Britain but I'm guessing the bit you refer to is a skit on a person with special needs?

I find it so sad that in this day and age, some people still find it funny to mock someone they see as different. I would feel sorry for their lack of empathy if it didn't make me so fucking angry.

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