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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being instructed to smile

170 replies

UncooperativeWoman · 19/02/2017 13:44

Trying to decide whether to have a word with the manager, when I'm next there, and whether he'll even understand:

In a local chain shop this weekend (obvious from my name change), at the checkout, no-one else around us. I was being perfectly polite and normal, said 'hello', 'yes I think I will buy a bag' etc etc.

The checkout guy starts commenting, "you're not smiling".
I just say 'uh huh' or something.
"You were smiling before, but now you aren't smiling".
"Right".
"Oh, I see, you aren't smiling now because its time to pay".

I thought he might have gauged by now that I'm really not going to join in a conversation about my perceived lack of outwardly displayed joy. I'm poised with my card at the reader, waiting for the 'swipe your card' command. I looked up to see if there was a problem, and the checkout guy brings his hand up, puts a finger at each corner of his mouth, and gestures pushing up into a smile shape. Then he let me pay.

It's the last bit that really annoys me; this pausing in the transaction, so he could instruct me to smile, even though I clearly didn't want to engage in this.

If a male customer refused to hand over his payment card until a woman cashier smiled for him, everyone would think he was a prick, right? This is the same type of thing isn't it?

OP posts:
CatchTheRainbow · 19/02/2017 15:44

I worked on a check out as a student and it was only ever men that commented on my appearance (both positive and negative).

Not one woman ever told me I looked tired.

One man who did I responded well thanks for that. He then looked embarrassed and quickly paid and left.

haveacupoftea · 19/02/2017 15:44

I'd have walked out with my groceries, and complained.

Frogtits · 19/02/2017 15:44

I would complain.

I regret not reporting an idiot who shouted "Good luck" as I walked away from his checkup after buying a pregnancy test. His tone was really cheeky. He was just a silly kid but it's still not acceptable.

Willow2016 · 19/02/2017 15:45

TheFirst:

WTAF???

I have always been a mouse when it comes to confrontation unless it is really important to me or it involves my kids.

But the last couple of years reading threads on parenting forums got me thinking. I am too old to take shit from anyone anymore.

I would have ripped him a new one ! I know it put you on the spot and not the appropriate time for you but later I would have complained like hell to the manager and further up. What a pompous and ignorant thing to say.

So sorry for your loss. Flowers

ATruth: you so should have said it, what an arse, you dont need to spare anyones feelings when they are so ignorant.

Sorry for your loss too. Flowers

SuperPug · 19/02/2017 15:56

Completely agree about it being more towards women, rather than men. Rubbish day or not, it's none of his business.
Links to other threads recently on how different types of women are perceived - "bubbly" etc.
I wouldn't go in with your husband - I would just have a straightforward talk with the manager about how it made you feel uncomfortable. You don't need back up for this.

SusieOwl4 · 19/02/2017 16:13

Apologies for my grammar . Well picked up by various posters . But at least you realised the point I was trying to make. My friends son HAS special needs and it is the type of thing he would do . But if he was reported I think he would be mortified and would lose what little confidence he has.

But if the OP feels so upset about the behaviour then of course she should report it .

Original poster
UncooperativeWoman · 19/02/2017 16:24

I have just collected my husband, who has been away for the weekend, from the station, and told him about it.

He is insistent that this is nothing to do with me being a woman - he thinks this particular cashier would behave like that to men too. So I said to him, "you're really saying that if a 6' man was in there, unsmiling, he would have paused in processing his payment, and directed him that he expected a smile?" And my husband said, "yes'.

I am very disappointed. And it makes me think a male store manager would dismiss me too.

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 19/02/2017 16:25

Yes, of course she should report it, despite your snide little dig, Susie. There is absolutely no reason to think that the man has SN. So please don't minimise this kind of harassment. This is not an appropriate thing to say, and plenty of neurotypical men feel the need to say it to women, who are made to feel uncomfortable, small and self conscious by it. While the men either actively enjoy it or don't have a clue how much of an entitled twat they are being.

venusinscorpio · 19/02/2017 16:28

Your husband is doing what most men, however nice, will do when confronted with this kind of thing, minimise or dismiss it. Unfortunately you might be right about the store manager. So like pp I would suggest that you email your complaint. And escalate it if no joy.

PageStillNotFound404 · 19/02/2017 16:39

Even if the cashier does happen to have special needs, I'd expect a decent manager to tailor any feedback they pass on from the complaint accordingly - so in the case of someone likely to lose confidence, they'd minimise the "I'm telling you off because a customer complained" aspect and focus on making sure their staff member was given some appropriate phrases to use instead. I don't think anyone is shouting for their head if that were the case.

If you're in a customer-facing role, having SN does not give you a free pass from ever being spoken to by the manager, given further training based on feedback or even being disciplined/sacked if the circumstances warranted it. In fact it's quite insulting to people with SN to assume they're all either incapable or unwilling to learn how to do their job even better.

TBH though I think it's a red herring anyway, as I think there's more chance it's just yet another inappropriate arsehole than someone with SN.

limitedperiodonly · 19/02/2017 16:46

But if the OP feels so upset about the behaviour then of course she should report it

Yes, she should, shouldn't she Susie?

OP, your husband is deluded. Talk to the store manager. I'm fairly sure he or she will understand what's wrong with this. I'm still flabbergasted that the person made finger gestures with his mouth. That's so fucking rude.

SongToTheSiren · 19/02/2017 16:52

I had this too unfortunately, about a month after my dad died of cancer. Walking to the bus stop after work, man coming the other way said "Give us a smile luv". I was tired and feeling miserable still so just ignored him and carried on walking. After I've gone past him I then hear him yell at me "well fuck you bitch!".
At the time I was too upset to say anything back, just walked quickly on to the bus stop shaking and nearly crying. When I got on the bus the driver asked if I was ok, just said I was fine, went to the back and cried all the way home.

Why on earth some people think they have the right to speak to women like that I have no bloody idea but I really hate it. Fucking morons.

OP I would definitely email their head office and complain. I think your husband doesn't get how bad this is if he reckons that the cashier guy would do that with everyone including big hulking men Hmm

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 19/02/2017 16:59

siren thats awful. They think they jage the right to speak to women like that because in their eyes women are there to look pretty for them. What a wanker that bloke was.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/02/2017 17:09

Thank you @Willow. I didn't have the energy or eloquence to reply back then, but when my lovely dad (who had been at the counter paying for my coffee) came back and saw my face, I believe he gave him what for.

@Susie, even if the cashier has SN, surely it is important that they are supported in understanding that telling someone to smile is not an appropriate thing to say at the cash desk? And this will only happen if people complain about the inappropriate comments?

SusieOwl4 · 19/02/2017 17:16

I was not having a snide comment at all . I said the OP should complain .

Hopefully the manager will handle it correctly IF The cashier does have SN.

It was only a comment / question . Nothing more .

won't bother next time .

Dothehokeykokey · 19/02/2017 17:22

People now saying the OPs husband is wrong :-)

He is a man, I am a man. We get this as well from men and women.

Why do people thing this is only an issue for women?

If you go out with a miserable face, for whatever reason, and which is no business of anyone else's, there is a possibility Someone will tell you to "cheer up" or "smile"

They are wrong to do so, but it's just as likely to happen to a miserable looking bloke as a woman ffs.

MissMogwi · 19/02/2017 17:24

YANBU. I hate this. Why do random men (and a woman has never said this to me) need me to smile.

Why do we need to walk around grinning inanely? Bollocks to that.

Somerville · 19/02/2017 17:31

How often do you experience it, Dothe? I get it frequently. Several times a week. I even had someone junior to me at work who would not just tell me to smile, but laugh when I gave him a death stare in reply.

I complained about his unprofessional behaviour, and someone 'had a quiet word'. It continued, and in fact got worse. He decided one day that he was only going to give me things I needed if I asked with a smile and was thick enough to mention this in an email.
That was overt enough to mean his contract wasn't renewed (we were both freelancers) thankfully.

Men may get told to cheer up occasionally. (Though both my DH and my teenage son say they don't.) But women get it all the sodding time, especially those who don't meet the 'bubbly and outgoing' societal expectation. Even women who are naturally smiley get it, from men who think it's a good way of flirting. Hmm

It will only change if we complain, when we can.

Original poster
UncooperativeWoman · 19/02/2017 17:36

My husband is wrong, though, in that he says, "this would happen to a man too". So, I ask him, "but has this ever actually happened to you?". The answer, is no it hasn't. Whereas this, and similar things to this, do happen to me, and have been a feature of life since puberty.

OP posts:
brasty · 19/02/2017 17:43

So your Husband said it happens to men too, and it has never happened to him!
Women do get it all the time. I have never know a man be told to smile by strangers. Yes I might say to DP to stop looking so bloody miserable, but totally different to a total stranger telling you to smile.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 19/02/2017 17:43

Send your husband in to buy milk with a neutral facial expression and see if it does indeed happen to him

SongToTheSiren · 19/02/2017 17:43

Thanks Talking. Thing is I've had comments from blokes before (usually commenting on my body as I'm overweight) but never had any problems shouting back or giving them a choice hand gesture. That particular time was just at a moment when I was vulnerable and not able to stand up for myself.

When I told people at work about it, the guys I work with thought the bloke was a twat for yelling "fuck you bitch" and that he'd crossed a line saying that. The asking me to give him a smile was viewed as just 'banter', a bit annoying but basically harmless. I had trouble articulating why it felt like more than that.

Sigh, my DD is still only little and I'm not looking forward to the day when she has to start dealing with this bullshit too.

SundialShadow · 19/02/2017 17:45

If I had that crap off anyone, it would have been the frozen stare of death until they copped the fvck on. Grrrrr

Dagnabit · 19/02/2017 17:55

This is one of the many reasons why I use the self service till. What a plonker.

DameDeDoubtance · 19/02/2017 18:25

In my life I have been told to smile hundreds of time, hundreds. I am quite a smiley person but don't walk along grinning like an idiot. Dh cannot remember ever being asked to smile. Your dh is wrong, this is because you are a woman and it is everyday sexism, he needs to listen to your real life, lived experience and appreciate that you have different experiences to him, because you are a woman.

Men not accepting our experiences of this is why nothing ever changes, it's why men's behaviour towards women is never confronted. Nice Guys like your husband are part of the problem.