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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being instructed to smile

170 replies

UncooperativeWoman · 19/02/2017 13:44

Trying to decide whether to have a word with the manager, when I'm next there, and whether he'll even understand:

In a local chain shop this weekend (obvious from my name change), at the checkout, no-one else around us. I was being perfectly polite and normal, said 'hello', 'yes I think I will buy a bag' etc etc.

The checkout guy starts commenting, "you're not smiling".
I just say 'uh huh' or something.
"You were smiling before, but now you aren't smiling".
"Right".
"Oh, I see, you aren't smiling now because its time to pay".

I thought he might have gauged by now that I'm really not going to join in a conversation about my perceived lack of outwardly displayed joy. I'm poised with my card at the reader, waiting for the 'swipe your card' command. I looked up to see if there was a problem, and the checkout guy brings his hand up, puts a finger at each corner of his mouth, and gestures pushing up into a smile shape. Then he let me pay.

It's the last bit that really annoys me; this pausing in the transaction, so he could instruct me to smile, even though I clearly didn't want to engage in this.

If a male customer refused to hand over his payment card until a woman cashier smiled for him, everyone would think he was a prick, right? This is the same type of thing isn't it?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/02/2017 14:47

I'm another one who got told 'cheer up, it might never happen' at precisely the wrong time. It was the day after my dad had died suddenly and without any warning, and we were on our way to see my mum.

I snapped at him that my dad had just died, and rushed off, trying not to cry.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 14:49

Timetogetup. You have taken my breath away. Flowers Flowers

And yes I'd complain. He's either a sarky git or it's a training issue. Either way it should be addressed. On another note, I tried to complain about a customer service representative from sky, who basically treated me as though I were stupid and called me a liar because I don't have 2 satellite cables attached to one of my sky boxes (which I don't). You have to write to them. The rage but am too ill and didn't in the end.

expatinscotland · 19/02/2017 14:51

I'd have left right then and there to complain to the management.

INeedNewShoes · 19/02/2017 14:51

YANBU.

I play in a band. One of the other band member's mothers likes to give a running commentary after each gig on whether I smiled enough for her liking. She did it four gigs in a row and I came up with polite responses. I told the band manager that I was in danger of telling her to eff off if she did it again. Quite looking forward to the next gig to see if she does...

I am a very content person with a nice life; for some reason I'm just not a naturally smily person unless I've got something specific to laugh at/smile at.

ADayGivingMeHope · 19/02/2017 14:53

Personally I wouldn't complain (it doesn't sound like he was being purposely malicious) but I'd pay particular attention to how he behaves with me next time and if something happens again then I would be complaining. Hope you sort it either way OP!

Screwinthetuna · 19/02/2017 14:56

Ok, I'm going to go against the grain and say yes. YABU. Your whole post reads like you were being a bit rude and 'just do your job, peasant' ish. They're told to chat and act happy to the customers in there (or at least they were 10 years ago when I worked there as a student) and your 'uh huh' comment when he asked why you aren't smiling and the not looking at him etc don't sound very polite. Not that you are obliged to make small talk at the till but if someone is smiling then it's polite to smile back...?
Certainly do not think it's grounds to report a staff member who just wanted to make you smile

stitchglitched · 19/02/2017 14:57

Does anyone really believe that this cashier would have done this if he was serving a 6 ft bloke? Can you really imagine him refusing to complete the transaction until the man had followed his instructions complete with helpful gesture?

Don't be daft.

Pineappletastic · 19/02/2017 14:58

I think you should complain. Someone talking to him might make him see it was out of order and make him thing about how he treats women generally, which can only be a good thing. I'm sure he won't get the sack for it or anything - but he might think twice next time.

We once had a man in testing our fire alarms at work, he was half way up a ladder when I walked past, he commented to the (male) facilities person escorting him 'Shame about the face masks, you can't even tell the ladies to smile!'. My reply was '3M - protecting you from sexual harassment lawsuits since just now'. Hopefully that made him think again.

I did once get a contractor reprimanded for shouting 'Get me a sandwich while you're going love!' as I walked past on my break, but given that he shouted it at a young woman across a carpark I think he knew exactly what effect he would have.

Lorrie3188 · 19/02/2017 14:58

I HATE (and I really mean HATE) men who tell women to smile. In this instance I think he was going for a flirt or some banter but it was misguided. Perhaps not a complaint but a word with the manager to mention how it's not constructive and is sexist. He probably isn't aware. Plenty of good articles written about the subject. I've had to educate some lovely men who otherwise were gems but didn't realise the damage this demand causes.

diddl · 19/02/2017 15:03

Sounds awful.

I appreciate that cashiers are told to engage, but even after the customer doesn't want to??

Isn't this bullying?

As for the "cheer up it may never happen" I used to respond "it already has".

venusinscorpio · 19/02/2017 15:03

Some total bollocks here about people saying this to men. No they fucking don't, it's a thing men feel entitled to say to women. OP, please do complain, it's totally inappropriate to say this to anyone.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 19/02/2017 15:05

@Timetogetup0630

I'm sorry you went through that. I experienced similar.

"Cheer up love, it might never happen"

What I wanted to say was "It already has happened, you fucking cunt. This is the first time I have left the house since recovering from surgery, which, while it saved my life, killed my unborn child. Think before speaking next time, you fucking cunt."

What I actually said, "um, bllll, ugh"

Dothehokeykokey · 19/02/2017 15:07

Woman say it to men quite regularly. Mainly older women to younger men in my experience.

If you want to believe it doesn't happen then crack on, but you are wrong

Shockers · 19/02/2017 15:07

Our local branch of this particular shop seems to specialise in employing cashiers without social filters.

I've learnt to embrace the 'bants' now. I used to leave the shop if one employee was on the till; I found him so irritating.

If it helps, I've seen them behave in exactly the same way towards DH, who is 6'.

Can't help wondering whether we live in the same town, OP...

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/02/2017 15:09

Timetogo I am so sorry Flowers
When my DD was dying I had to pop out to get a few bits.
The young male cashier told me I looked miserable and should cheer up.
I told him my DD was terminally ill and only had a few days to live. (Don't ask why, you say weird stuff when under stress).
Instead of being embarrassed he started to lecture me on religion and how I should be happy that DD would soon be with her Lord.

ellesbellesxxx · 19/02/2017 15:09

I am wondering if it's the same place I go where there is a checkout person who makes inane chat every time.

I bought some soup the other week.
Him: would you like some cigarettes?
Me:sorry?
Him: cigarettes?
Me:er I am clearly heavily pregnant?
Him: just thought I would ask

What was the point in asking? I have never bought them before so why now?

At my local one, they barely acknowledge you and definitely don't want to chat.. much better!

PageStillNotFound404 · 19/02/2017 15:10

Screwinthetuna the OP's post reads to me as though she was being perfectly polite (as per her examples) up to the point the cashier starting making personal remarks about her facial expression.

AllaboutsheZ · 19/02/2017 15:13

Hate this with a passion. I was having a really bad day once, and took my 6 month old for a walk in his buggy. A man in a van put his window down, and told me to 'smile' and did a massive sarcastic grin at me. Wish I'd said something, but I felt so down it didn't even cross my mind, I just carried on walking whilst giving him an evil glare. I'd say something to the manager, regardless of if he meant harm or not, I find it downgrading.

Butterymuffin · 19/02/2017 15:21

It's worth complaining about, but OP, I really wouldn't take your husband in with you to do it as you mentioned. Do this yourself. Email the store and tell them.

Practise what you want to say if you go in and he serves you again. For me it would be:
'Last time you served me you insisted that I smiled at you. I think it's reasonable for customers and staff to expect politeness but beyond that, it's up to me. I don't want to have that type of conversation with you again'.

DrivingMeBonkers · 19/02/2017 15:23

Is it Morrisons? They seem to only employ people who have some form of impaired social interaction. They make up for it by being over chatty. It's like a real life episode of "trollied"

Being instructed to smile
Oakmaiden · 19/02/2017 15:37

because the cashier was special needs

Has special needs. Not WAS special needs.

However, even if that was the case, I would still complain. Sure - it could be that the cashier had some sort of social difficulty and wasn't aware that what he was saying was rude. If you flag it up then someone will say to him "You can't say that to someone - it comes across as rude" and then maybe he will stop.

Oakmaiden · 19/02/2017 15:39

Driving - nice. Insult everyone who works for Morrisons. Very classy.

brasty · 19/02/2017 15:42

I can imagine women saying this to men they know. But not to total strangers.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 19/02/2017 15:43

Oakmaiden don't worry the only person Driving showed up was herself with an inability to read.

Nicketynac · 19/02/2017 15:43

Bus driver said the "smile, it might never happen love" to MIL two days after her husband had died. She replied something along the lines of " well, DH has just died, I can't afford his funeral so yeah I'll smile and it will be ok." The whole bus conversation dried up and the driver was rightly mortified. She saw him a lot afterwards and he apologised every time and asked after the family etc. I think he learned his lesson.
I just don't ever hear it being said to men or boys. Always women and girls who need to be cheery every waking minute.

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