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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some people are just crap hosts?

158 replies

MadHattersWineParty · 19/02/2017 12:50

DP and I went to a really rubbish party last night. They are not really good friends of ours but DP used to work with the bloke and we occasionally join them for the odd pub quiz. Anyway, they got engaged recently and last night was the party. I'll call them Mike and Liz.

The invite stated it was catered as not to worry about bringing anything as there'd be plenty of prossecco and canapés.

We got there at 8, and it was already in full swing by that time. The room was quite awkwardly L-shaped and the volume of people meant you couldn't really get round to where the back bit was. We weren't offered any drink and presumed they'd already run dry, but could see round the corner that there were in fact buckets of fizz being 'hidden' in various places by the group surrounding the happy couple. They were popping them under tables or sliding them under chairs with a foot, or just picking up the bottles coming out of the kitchen but only topping up their friend's drinks then emptying the bottle.

We managed to greet Mike but Liz didn't move from her little spot down the end the whole time we were there, didn't circulate with any other guests at all. Canapés came out but remained down the end of the room and were not passed up and they were demolished pretty quickly. More bottles appeared and they were just grabbed before any of it could be shared.

Anyway, we had nothing to drink, nothing to eat and had trekked across town to stand on the fringes of a room to be only slightly acknowledged by one half of a couple, so we left after half an hour to go home and order a pizza.

I was always taught that if you're going to throw a party, you make an effort to talk to everyone, and I think it's bloody rude to create some sort of heirarchy about who gets to be furnished with a drink and who doesn't! AIBU to think some people are just really shite at hosting?

OP posts:

MammaBean1988 · 20/02/2017 18:29

Sounds like a shit university party tbh. Yes, not great hosting and yes, especially arsey behaviour from other guests. YANBU at all, although I wouldn't dwell on it.
(I dwell on much pettier things like that time someone didn't say thank you after I let them in in front of me in traffic)

Tabymoomoo · 20/02/2017 18:52

I think yabu
You were only there for 30mins and in that short amount of time decided that it was a crap party and they were terrible hosts. I don't think you wanted to go in the first place and just wanted an excuse to leave.

Dinomum79 · 20/02/2017 19:11

I agree I'm not sure you wanted to go . I do think they were rude though. As host you should offer drinks etc . I think the no byo thing was so that people would bring nice presents X

QueenofPentacles · 20/02/2017 19:33

I would have gone home to bed with the wine and chocolates

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/02/2017 19:48

I think they sound like rubbish hosts. Surely one of the first things you do when planning a party is to think about the space you're holding it in and how to arrange the furniture so that everybody can easily get to the food and drink, if you want people to help themselves. You have to make a sensible estimate of the number of people you can accommodate in that room, for a start, because if nobody can move or get to the refreshments it's going to be a rubbish party.

And then for the first couple of hours of the party your job as host is to go round greeting new arrivals, checking that everybody has drink/food, knows where to get refills, making introductions if not everybody knows everyone else, getting conversations started and then moving on to the next group.

Liz was rude not to make any effort to come to your end of the room and say hello, let alone bring any prosecco or canapes with her.

Mike was rude because although he did say hello in passing he did nothing to ensure that you and other guests were getting the prosecco and canapes they'd repeatedly promised.

I'd have left too and I certainly wouldn't be going to the wedding. If you do get an invitation and turn it down, please, please don't give them a present! A card if you must. They sound grasping.

Booksandmags79 · 20/02/2017 19:58

Yanbu

Also if you'd have bought your own drink having been told more than once there was no need, I think you'd have looked a bit odd. Like maybe you didn't think their drink was good enough! Seems like you'd have felt uncomfortable however you played it. Life's too short to be ignored in a room full of people you don't really know!

KERALA1 · 20/02/2017 20:39

We got x2 teens to do drinks and food at our last party. Was great as took pressure off so we could circulate and chat

ReasonsToBeModeratelyHappy · 20/02/2017 20:58

Reminds me of a family 'do' we went to. It was a very long way from where we live, but my relative was most insistent that we get my DM there (she was very elderly, and not well).
It was a long hot drive, and when we got there, he said hello to my mother, ignoring me and the kids, and carried on past. I bought our group a drink at the bar, as we needed something - his wife came by and said 'Oh, I see he got you some drinks!'.

The place was tiny, but not closed to normal customers, so no one knew who else was part of the party, and the people we tried talking to turned out not to know my relative.
The table for the meal was jammed across the end of the room, so that no one on the far side could get out until everyone else did (small children had to be passed over the top to go to the loo throughout the meal!). He ignored my DM after the initial 'hello', and never acknowledged the res of us at all (we see him 3-4 times a year, and he is generally quite friendly).
He is very well off, so the choice of venue was quite puzzling (it was nowhere near his house either); maybe some people need instructions on how to be a host!

Wickedstepmum67 · 20/02/2017 22:01

As we have a tall but narrow terraced house, our guests sometimes end up gamely pogo-ing round our kitchen/other guests in search of food. It can get a bit hectic and hard to reach people. That said, I think it is definitely required for hosts to circulate, stay fairly sober themselves and ensure people are ok/not standing looking hungry and lost on their own. Some (otherwise lovely) folks we used to know veered towards the very frugal with food in that a pan of soup would be produced at an unspecified hour and we never achieved the knack of being anywhere near it before it all got scarfed down by others. The only other edible thing on offer was always a tray of small sweet biscuits. A fair amount of booze mind you. 😆

avamiah · 20/02/2017 22:08

Sounds very unwelcoming to be honest and to not even be offered a drink , very strange.
I would be interested to know if you just walked out after 30 mins or did you go over to the couple and tell them you were leaving?
Surely they would realise and offer you a drink and some nibbles.

avamiah · 20/02/2017 22:34

I have just re read OP and correct me if I'm wrong but this was a engagement party.
So yes it was strange that they didn't get offered a drink but in my opinion you do not turn up to a party without a small gift or card and definitely not to a engagement party.

Original poster

MadHattersWineParty · 20/02/2017 22:39

I've said a couple of times that we brought some posh chocolates and a card. We are not savages.

OP posts:

QueenofPentacles · 20/02/2017 22:53

I always keep a sausage roll and some White Lightning in my bag for emergencies

Original poster

MadHattersWineParty · 20/02/2017 23:03

I do appreciate what people are saying and yes perhaps I should have barged my way through but- the other end of the room seemed really inaccessible. Lots of chairs, low tables, people, blocking. There were the same couple of people from what I could see going into the kitchen and emerging with things and passing them to people nearby and keeping the door closed behind them. I really didn't feel okay to blunder through and just pile in.

I think they might have been burnt before with people staining things with red wine so that was why there was the insistence of NO BYOB, but even if we had ignored that, as a PP rightly pointed out, would we have just ripped it from its gift bag and glugged it out of the bottle?! (No!)

I do think they massively under- estimated how many people might turn up on the promise of free fizz and so maybe panicked slightly that the closest friends would run out of alcohol if it got shared around amongst everybody, ditto the food. I think other guests may have thought there wouldn't be enough for a drunken night too so did not want to share.

And yes, we perhaps should have stayed longer. And no we didn't say goodbye- because we couldn't bloody get past the fringe- and it was a loud and rambunctious party pretty early on. We just sort of melted away- they really wouldn't have noticed.

Probably I'm overthinking it a bit, no harm was done at the end of the day. I guess if I ever had an engagement party I might tweak things a little, though

OP posts:

avamiah · 20/02/2017 23:05

MadHattersWineParty,
Apologies, I read your OP and you didn't mention the chocs or card there.

Strygil · 20/02/2017 23:07

I can't believe that you thought this was worth posting.

First world problem.

avamiah · 20/02/2017 23:11

MadHattersWineParty,
Just read about the chocs and card.😬.

PegaGryf · 20/02/2017 23:16

Yanbu op, sounds shit.

Original poster

MadHattersWineParty · 20/02/2017 23:20

Ah give over Strygil. I know you love that 'first world problem' phrase but people post about all kinds of stuff on here. No one asks you to comment if you do not wish to/think it's too trivial and not worthy of your scathing input.

That's ok avamiah. I know I didn't put it in the OP. Would never turn up to a party empty handed.

OP posts:

avamiah · 20/02/2017 23:36

MadHattersWineParty,
So who did you give the chocs and card to?
Don't tell me there was a table for the Gifts?

SumThucker · 20/02/2017 23:40

I can't believe that you thought this was worth posting.

First world problem

Ahh yes, AIBU, the bastion of intelligent, relevant, topical debates...

YANBU, OP.

Blueink · 21/02/2017 04:07

It was an engagement party in their home, you showed up as invited & brought a card & gift. Least you can expect is to be greeted with a drink and a welcome hello from the 'happy couple'. Introductions to (at least some of) the 'inner circle' would have then been helpful and the polite thing to do, as you did not know any of them. The hosts had at least 30-45 minutes to do the above, which is a 5 minute job. Easy to excuse yourself (if you want to) as the host to go and greet new guests and make sure they have a drink and are comfortable, as it's a social expectation. Good for you leaving when you were made to feel so unwelcome. YANBU and surprised by those who think you are.

ZaZathecat · 21/02/2017 08:44

A lot of people thought it worth replying Strygil!

BusyMummy55 · 21/02/2017 10:33

They are probably not the best at throwing parties, but also it seems like they have underestimated how many people would turn up. It is always a tough choice between managing the party or enjoying it: 1st choice you are most likely to miss most of it, though the guests are likely to be happier, 2nd choice you get to join in, but as in this case a lot of the guests might not get looked after and leave unhappy. I usually go too much over the 1st choice and miss a lot of it, but it is very important to me that people leave happy.
Another thought maybe some of their friends were meant to be managing the party, but maybe they got overwhelmed or got a bit too tipsy to do it properly, so the couple might not be fully to blame, though they should be greeting everyone at their engagement party...
Btw, how many guests do you think were there?

RaqsMax · 21/02/2017 10:38

My cousin once drove 6hrs on a Friday with 3 under 7yr old kids to visit a friend and her new partner for the weekend. After a very fraught journey, they arrived at tea-time. They had already discussed with the hosts that they intended stopping for lunch en route, but that the kids normally had their tea 17.30ish and would need feeding on arrival, although the adults could eat together later on if that suited them better.

After a welcome cup of tea and chat, the wine that my cousin had brought was opened. There seemed to be no signs of cooking/food prep going on. At about 18.30pm, my cousin apologetically said that the kids were getting a bit hungry and what were their plans for supper. The hosts looked a bit vague and said 'Oh, I expect we have some fish fingers in the freezer'. They then did oven chips, fish fingers and baked beans....for all of them! No dessert, coffee, nothing. They drank the wine that my cousin had gifted them on arrival....and had no more. Next day, they took my cousin, wife and 3 kids to go......food shopping in Tescos! Hardly bought anything. Then went to a cafe for lunch; my cousin paid the bill. Then suggested getting a takeaway for dinner...no offer to pay. The kids were really bored; cousin had to go off on his own with the kids to find a park and let then have a run around.

The new partner was then very rude to my cosuins wife and got into a big argument with her. They ended up getting up early on Sunday and leaving, instead of spending the day there as planned. Cousin and wife have vowed never to visit them again.

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