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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people are just crap hosts?

158 replies

MadHattersWineParty · 19/02/2017 12:50

DP and I went to a really rubbish party last night. They are not really good friends of ours but DP used to work with the bloke and we occasionally join them for the odd pub quiz. Anyway, they got engaged recently and last night was the party. I'll call them Mike and Liz.

The invite stated it was catered as not to worry about bringing anything as there'd be plenty of prossecco and canapés.

We got there at 8, and it was already in full swing by that time. The room was quite awkwardly L-shaped and the volume of people meant you couldn't really get round to where the back bit was. We weren't offered any drink and presumed they'd already run dry, but could see round the corner that there were in fact buckets of fizz being 'hidden' in various places by the group surrounding the happy couple. They were popping them under tables or sliding them under chairs with a foot, or just picking up the bottles coming out of the kitchen but only topping up their friend's drinks then emptying the bottle.

We managed to greet Mike but Liz didn't move from her little spot down the end the whole time we were there, didn't circulate with any other guests at all. Canapés came out but remained down the end of the room and were not passed up and they were demolished pretty quickly. More bottles appeared and they were just grabbed before any of it could be shared.

Anyway, we had nothing to drink, nothing to eat and had trekked across town to stand on the fringes of a room to be only slightly acknowledged by one half of a couple, so we left after half an hour to go home and order a pizza.

I was always taught that if you're going to throw a party, you make an effort to talk to everyone, and I think it's bloody rude to create some sort of heirarchy about who gets to be furnished with a drink and who doesn't! AIBU to think some people are just really shite at hosting?

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 19/02/2017 13:56

I didn't feel I could shout above the din of a party 'OI LIZ PASS US UP SOME FIZZ AND A COD GOUJIN WOULD YOU?'

I bloody would! Grin

I would never go to a party without taking a bottle, regardless if the invitation said there was no need.

TheFullMrexit · 19/02/2017 13:57

Did you someones there have a drinking problem? Hence please don't bring your own and the hiding of drinks. I suppose I may look like I could be hiding Booze at party like that when actually I would be putting it out of way of spilling. I think hosting should be something else taught in school along side politics, philosophy, and personal finance. I

BToperator · 19/02/2017 14:00

This is exactly why I hate hosting parties. DH loves having people round, and I can very easily imagine a scenario like you describe in our house. I'd be sat in the corner, with people I know well, as I am crap at small talk, and on the shy side. DH would be doing the mingling, but after a few drinks would probably just leave people to help themselves. I'm guessing I've been judged as a crap host in the past by people like you. We can't all be the perfect hosts.

SpongebobRoundPants · 19/02/2017 14:03

I would have made a point by going into the kitchen and making myself cheese on toast Grin

Crunchymum · 19/02/2017 14:04

How bizarre they went to such lengths to dictate what all their guests drank?

What if you don't like Prosecco?

Electrolens · 19/02/2017 14:06

I think yabu as you were only there 30 mins. Did you try chatting to anyone? 'Ooh let's try one of those cod goujons...' would have been a good icebreaker...

burnoutbabe · 19/02/2017 14:10

I;d have asked Mike "hey, where do we go to grab a drink and some food?" and then he would have realised the room set up was poor/moved some people around.

Though I'd have just said excuse meto get past the blockage or gone up to the people bringing out the food and suggested they put some down the other end.

Crunchyside · 19/02/2017 14:21

YANBU but like someone said earlier, be careful with this sort of thing... I recently made a thread with a similar sort of theme and I ended up getting a PM from a kind MNer warning me that my thread had been turned into a pathetic article by the Sun online Shock Luckily I think it fell off the radar and I don't think the people concerned saw the article (fingers crossed) or it could have caused major awkwardness, I had to change my MN name though which I was rather attached to Sad

Anyway, yeah, its crappy hosting. Especially if there's a couple that doesn't know everyone else at the party very well, I would make an effort to have a chat with them and ensure that couple is introduced to the others.

It's funny how crap we Brits are socialising sometimes. In some other European countries, e.g. Switzerland, at social gatherings, its customary to introduce guests to literally everyone else in the room individually, it can be really annoying and involve a lot of tedious handshaking but at least it breaks the ice a bit. Also, everyone has to say cheers every time a new drink is poured, not only do you have to raise your glass but you have to go round cheers-ing everyone individually by name and look them in the eye. Cheers Mike, clink cheers Liz, clink cheers Emma, clink cheers Dave, clink etc...! Again, to foreigners it seems ridiculous and excessive but after a while you get used to it and it really makes a nice sociable atmosphere. Yes, its overkill, but not bothering to introduce people and not making an effort to share drinks and food around is extremely lame and I prefer the European style!

Original poster
MadHattersWineParty · 19/02/2017 14:25

DP maintains it was longer than thirty min we were there but I'm not sure- it definitely wasn't more than 45min.

The thing is, with this couple, they're a bit....well they have sort of like a chosen inner circle (lots of Oxbridge graduates and the like) that they will sort of gravitate towards and everyone else can sort of a bit feel like they're making up the numbers, which is how it felt last night. They are nowhere near good enough friends for me to feel ok to barge my way into their kitchen and make toast!

It really was the layout of the room that didn't help. I guess I could have forced my way through to 'mingle' but the set-up just wasn't given to that sort of thing. and I like a drink in order to relax in social situations

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 19/02/2017 14:28

, but could see round the corner that there were in fact buckets of fizz being 'hidden' in various places by the group surrounding the happy couple. They were popping them under tables or sliding them under chairs with a foot, or just picking up the bottles coming out of the kitchen but only topping up their friend's drinks then emptying the bottle.

And after this hierarchy was revealed, you stayed because.....?

honeylulu · 19/02/2017 14:45

I'm fairly shy but in that situation I'd have gone to the kitchen, found myself a glass and looked in the fridge for a bottle (if none was offered or obvious).
You say the party was already in full swing. IME the first few people to a party offered a drink, after that once lots of people have arrived it's less manageable and becomes a bit more "help yourself".
I think they were a bit shit to not have made more effort greet/introduce you but I've been to lots of parties where I've barely seen or spoken to the hosts and didn't think that was anything out of the ordinary.

WhispersOnTheWind · 19/02/2017 14:51

Yes, you were invited to make up the numbers of poor saps needed to make the hosts look popular to the inner circle who will all today be talking about what a great party it was. Horrible hosting.

To the pp who thinks her horrible small talk skills and 'shyness' absolve her of the duty to at least greet and welcome her guests and circulate occasionally to make sure they are provided with adequate refreshments - yeah, they don't. If it's so far out of your comfort zone to make some effort to be hospitable to people you've invited to a party don't invite people to parties or, yes, you are the kind of crap host the OP is talking about.

SpringsInMySteps · 19/02/2017 15:04

I am a bit confused as to what you expected them to have done about some of your petty gripes?

If we had a party the food/drink would probably be in the kitchen for people to help themselves.

We would be involved in talking with people and expect our adult friends to socialise and mingle. You know - adult behaviour.
If involved in a deep conversation I would not necessarily cut it short to go and chat with other people - trusting I would have a chance to chat with them in a bit as long as they did not leave in a mardy strop
I may feel bad if some of our guests seemed to be hogging the wine - but if I had not noticed immediately I would not expect other guests to leave but to deal with it like adults - by asking me where to get a drink or being proactive enough to go and grab a bottle from the "drinks" area.

Expect my guests to realise that maybe the wine was being shoved under tables/chairs to prevent it being knocked over and/or to create more space. I would not necessarily expect them to think the worst - that people were "hiding" it.
I would not expect my guests to gripe about the layout of my house (what would they expect? A quick extension or house move for a party perhaps?)
I would not get all the wine out of the fridge so it was easily accessible as it would get warm. I would expect guest to realised that it had been left for them to help themselves as I would leave it in the fridge/kitchen.
I would not expect my guests to want waiter service at a house party.

I think you went to this party with a mardy head on and took everything as them being bad hosts.

I think you maybe need to work out if you are actually bad guests.

So yes - YADBU.

MuseumOfCurry · 19/02/2017 15:08

I may feel bad if some of our guests seemed to be hogging the wine - but if I had not noticed immediately I would not expect other guests to leave but to deal with it like adults - by asking me where to get a drink or being proactive enough to go and grab a bottle from the "drinks" area.

If I had a party and someone couldn't locate a drink, I'd be pretty mortified.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2017 15:11

YABU

They can't change the shape of the room.

You stayed 30-45 minutes, you didn't really give it/them a chance.

You made no effort to get a drink, food, chat to people. 'Excuse me' works really well if you want to get past people.

It's a party, not a dinner party, you need to make an effort yourself to enjoy it.

It sounds like you think they're snobby & you don't like them. I can't really see why you went.

Original poster
MadHattersWineParty · 19/02/2017 15:14

Erm, certain guests were definitely HIDING the wine not moving it out the way- there were plenty of surfaces to put the ice buckets on, I don't think unopened bottles necessarily needed to be stowed under the coffee table...

Anyway sure, if you can't be arsed to provide your guests with food and drink unless they are part of the elite circle don't specify you've organised a load of catering and insist they do not bring their own! Just bill it as a regular house party and people will drink what they've brought. Surely it's not that hard to make sure a few bottles and trays of food make it to the end of the room?

OP posts:
WhispersOnTheWind · 19/02/2017 15:17

The idea of being the host Spring is make all your guests feel equally welcome, its not rude when you're the host to break off an in depth conversation and gracefully excuse yourself for a moment to welcome and make sure any new arrivals know where to find drinks etc. Then you can return to your other guest and say " Sorry about that - you were saying about your hip operation..."

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2017 15:18

WhispersOnTheWind. What a nasty comment to BTOperator Hmm

BTOp 💐 Take no notice. If your DH wants to host a party, let him crack on with it, it doesn't mean you have to be 'the hostess with the mostess'. People clearly come back to another party, so they must have a good time.

alphabook · 19/02/2017 15:18

YANBU. Part of being a host is making sure the food and drink is flowing/accessible to everyone, and making your guests feel welcome. Although it may not be possible to speak at length with everyone and I may naturally spend more time with my close friends, I would try to circulate as much as possible and not hide myself away in the corner.

Although as for what you could have done about it at the time, it does depend whether the party was at their home or at a venue (which isn't clear in your post, unless I've missed something). If it was a house party I would have brought a bottle even if they said not to. I wouldn't if it was at a venue just because they can be funny about corkage. And if it was a house party I would have gone into the kitchen myself to look for food and drink, which obviously isn't an option at a hired venue, but you could have asked the staff.

Either way I wouldn't have stayed long though if I didn't know anyone other than the hosts and the hosts weren't making any effort to make me feel welcome

ncblacksheep · 19/02/2017 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2017 15:22

SpringIsInMyStep. Exactly!!

MuseumOfCurry. Sure, but I'd expect them to move more than an inch to do so! 🤣

bumsexatthebingo · 19/02/2017 15:24

Hmm. I'm finding it hard to see how you literally couldn't get to the hosts or the food? If you said 'excuse me' would people not move aside and let you through?
If you were packed in like sardines I'm not sure how the hosts would have been able to circulate. Sounds like they invited more people than they had space for.
I'm sure if they were really good friends of yours you'd have squeezed through to say 'hi' and get a drink. Maybe just don't accept the invitation next time if you don't really know/like the couple?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/02/2017 15:24

alphabook Don't you hate it when the namechange function doesn't know which name you want to post under 😳😫😂

ZaZathecat · 19/02/2017 15:34

Even if you'd brought your own drink it sounds like it would have been a bit awkward, standing by the door, opening your own bottle of wine, and standing on the fringes pretty much ignored by the hosts. Yeah, sounds like bad hosting to me.

PandorasAlmightyBox · 19/02/2017 15:34

OP what you are referring to, is called babysitting, not hosting.

If the food and drink were left out , it was clearly a 'help yourself' type deal, there wasn't a waitress service.

Leaving after half an hour, without making your way towards the drinks table, and not taking any drink with you, = all point to you being a bad guest IMO. Nothing was stopping you from mingling, or getting a drink. Other than your inability to say 'excuse me'