To think some people are just crap hosts?

[MadHattersWineParty]

DP and I went to a really rubbish party last night. They are not really good friends of ours but DP used to work with the bloke and we occasionally join them for the odd pub quiz. Anyway, they got engaged recently and last night was the party. I'll call them Mike and Liz.

The invite stated it was catered as not to worry about bringing anything as there'd be plenty of prossecco and canapés.

We got there at 8, and it was already in full swing by that time. The room was quite awkwardly L-shaped and the volume of people meant you couldn't really get round to where the back bit was. We weren't offered any drink and presumed they'd already run dry, but could see round the corner that there were in fact buckets of fizz being 'hidden' in various places by the group surrounding the happy couple. They were popping them under tables or sliding them under chairs with a foot, or just picking up the bottles coming out of the kitchen but only topping up their friend's drinks then emptying the bottle.

We managed to greet Mike but Liz didn't move from her little spot down the end the whole time we were there, didn't circulate with any other guests at all. Canapés came out but remained down the end of the room and were not passed up and they were demolished pretty quickly. More bottles appeared and they were just grabbed before any of it could be shared.

Anyway, we had nothing to drink, nothing to eat and had trekked across town to stand on the fringes of a room to be only slightly acknowledged by one half of a couple, so we left after half an hour to go home and order a pizza.

I was always taught that if you're going to throw a party, you make an effort to talk to everyone, and I think it's bloody rude to create some sort of heirarchy about who gets to be furnished with a drink and who doesn't! AIBU to think some people are just really shite at hosting?

Why did you go? You clearly don't like her.

If you have a 40th party, as host it takes ages to get round and chat to everyone.

speaks/looks straight at/to main lady who you think is consuming all of drinks / hiding all of it :

Looks directly at her .....

X post with Rhi.

We host quite a lot, and it is so so much nicer for me as a host if guests just help themselves. I wouldn't want to be running around like a blue arsed fly greeting people and serving drinks at my own engagement party. I also wouldn't want to see people standing in corners with pursed lips. Just get on and get your own drink and enjoy yourself. Then I can do likewise.

How did you know I had pursed lips

I'd say more parched

As a PP said, if you want an engagement party where you can just quaff prosecco with your best mates without having to talk to anyone else or offer them a drink, just invite those people. If you don't know what it means to properly host, or can't be arsed when it comes to it, don't.

I'm fairly sure the 'PLEASE do not bring your own drink!!' On the invite was to prevent people bringing and spilling red wine.

They don't sound like great hosts. You were a bit wimpy though OP. I would definitely do the "scuse me! coming through! Hi I'm IfNot, pass the wine please!" but then I am a bit bolshy
This pp saying that they couldn't be arsed to greet people at their own party because they want to have fun are missing the point of hosting; its NOT going to be fun for you all night (if you do it correctly).Its quite hard work! You will have fun, but your main responsibility is to your guests.
When I have parties, I make sure i greet people coming in, even if in the middle of a convo. If I have missed the actual entrance I will go around everyone checking they have a drink/have some food/been introduced the the person awkwardly standing next to them. Hosting is a skill. Don't do it if you cant do it well.

If I didn't host, then all my friends would miss out on some really great parties. I can't imagine they'd want that.

Yes but as I understand it, 'hosting' isn't simply telling people what time and where to turn up then letting them get in with it.

That's fine if you have a bunch of friends that all know each other really well and feel comfortable in your home. Then really there's not a lot of pressure on you. If you were truly going to 'host' a party where there was a mix of people/levels of friendships and you'd insisted they shouldn't bring their own drinks, then I think you should damn well get off your bum and greet them/tell them it's fine to help themselves/grab them a glass.

We host lots of parties and what I normally do is make sure the guests get given their first drink then state they will have to help themselves from then on and where the drink will be. Last time with 60 here (special occasion) I paid a friend's DD to go round filling up glasses, she was great everyone was bladdered

However, there is no way I would get dressed up, turn up at someone's house and not even get a drink, then go home! Me and DH would push our way through and if necessary ask the host "where's the glasses, where shall I get a drink". Just standing around and waiting to be served is a bit daft TBH. Ditto the sausage rolls or whatever.

You do sound a bit precious OP and they don't sound like the most effusive of hosts. I'd see the obstacles you list as a pure opportunity to engage with other guests along the lines of "Come on guys, where is the booze stash? Shall we forage for canapés together? I'm famished!". Make your own fun etc. But that's me. I'm sort of unabashed by situations like this and usually see it to be my gig to approach the hosts rather than sit in the corner and wait for them to find me.

If the Op says she saw people hiding bottles who are we to say they weren't. She was there, we weren't. I've never heard of anyone shoving bottles under tables to stop them getting spilt, you put them ON the table. The party sounded crap OP, you were there to fill the place out. Don't blame you for leaving.

I must be a mardy arse then because I would've gone up to the table and asked those stood there "where's the drink then?" and if necessary lifted a coat or took a bottle from under a chair. BUT I would only feel comfortable doing this if I'd taken a bottle of fizz myself.

YANBU. It sounds like you're not that close and they invited you (and probably others) to make it look like they had loads of friends. Whenever I host people, dh or I make sure anyone gets a drink in their hand as soon as they arrive and tell them where they can get more. If it's people I know don't know a lot of other people, I do try and check on them. I probably try too hard because I've been to occasions where the host/hostess couldn't be arsed and I know how awkward it feels.

They sound like rubbish hosts but you sound like rubbish guests tbh. I mean that in a loving way OP.

Standing for three quarters of an hour with no food and drink in the corner can't possibly have felt any better than just saying a few "excuse mes" to other guests so you could get to actual booze and grub. You might have even managed to change the dynamic and inspire more mingling.

Hosts are generally busy when it's a big party. I think it's rather rude you didn't go over and say hello once you arrived. If you had, maybe they'd have got you a drink or pointed you in the right direction.

Who let you in? What sort of crap host doesn't come to the door?

I've been to loads of parties where there was lots of people. i've never known the host not to offer drink, food etc, or at least tell you where it is. What has the host to be busy with if not greeting guests.

some guy near the door answered it, just one of their mates I presume. It was only meant to start at 7:30 so we weren't really late in party terms at all but I do think lots of their closest friends got there quite early to 'help' set up commandeer the prosecco and canapés

If someone else answered the door, how are the hosts supposed to know you've arrived unless you go to find them? Liz might not have even known you'd arrived. Do yo think hosts should scan a crowded room every few minutes, mentally trying to work out who's just arrived, then find them a drink and a canapé, excuse excuse me through the crowd, welcome them, before scanning the room again for new guests. Easier the other way around.

They'd also need To be about a foot taller than everyone else in the room and be able to see around an l shaped room.
All this etiquette and pomp and who should greet who etc etc just sucks the joy out of a party.

Yes I think you should expect to spend at least the first hour of a party you're hosting meeting and greeting people. That's good manners.

Hosts can't stand guard over the door though can they. Someone comes in, you greet them, take them to get a drink/show them where to find the alcohol/introduce them around, stop to chat to another guest on the way back, meantime other people arrive and you haven't seen them come in.

I don't think it's unreasonable to assume for the first half an hour or so after the time on the invite you might need to be on your feet greeting your ALL guests, not just settle down with your best mates and get stuck into the fizz and canapés!

I agree with you Op. However I do think some people get overwhelmed when they have lots of guests especially if they're not used to entertaining. If you don't have people helping in the kitchen etc you can just get swamped. Do you think that's possibly what happened?

I wonder how many of those saying yanbu have ever hosted a party of more than about 30 guests, as it sounds like this one was.
You'll be on your way to get one guest a drink, whilst another guest stops you for small talk, another asks you where the bathroom is, whilst you're whisking the cheese sauce, then the door bell rings with the next guest. What you're asking, that each guest is greeted individually on arrival, got a drink, made small talk with; is logistically impossible.