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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'D'h on a night out by himself

131 replies

soontobemrsmckeown · 19/02/2017 02:53

'D'h went on a night out with one mate. That mate messaged me nearly 2 hours ago to say he was going home and that 'D'h was in a bad way but was refusing to go home. I cannot make contact with him and he isn't home yet. I'm very worried about his state of mind as if he was that drunk then what will he be like now. He has history of being hospitalised after a night out.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 19/02/2017 09:35

I'm interested about his "history of being hospitalised after a night out". It's bad enough if he has been taken to hospital once because he can't handle his drink but for it to have happened more than once?? What a waste of resources!!

OP then calling the Police [IMO] is quite entitled. Why the fuck do they have to go and search for him? I'm actually surprised they acted on this.

Stop putting up with this absolute nonsense OP.

Fighterofthenightman · 19/02/2017 09:46

I hate to think of all of the time wasted by MNetters on a weekend calling Police and hospitals because their adult DPs are out on the piss.

Benedikte2 · 19/02/2017 09:53

He is a binge drinker and this is just as concerning as daily alcohol dependency . He needs to get help and now. Do not put up with this. Plus, of course he places himself in a very vulnerable position re assault, robbery, or his committing assault or other offence. Can your family afford the money he spends plus that exorbitant taxi bill?

Hatemylifenow · 19/02/2017 09:57

Christ some of you are horrible.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 19/02/2017 09:57

So OP is silly and wrong to worry about her husband who has a history of drinking so much alcohol that he needs medical intervention afterwards?

It doesn't matter how pissed you get - if you're over 18, loved ones need to butt out and let you get on with it...even if you've got a genuine problem.

Errrrm...ok then.

Leggit · 19/02/2017 10:06

if you're over 18, loved ones need to butt out and let you get on with it...even if you've got a genuine problem. I don't think anyone has suggested that Confused However, caring for a loved one and being concerned about their drinking isn't a police matter. This hospitalisation thing isn't clear either. He wouldn't be the only one that gone too far as a one off, in fact I was once in hospital after drinking because I broke my ankle Hmm

Hatemylifenow · 19/02/2017 10:06

I'm as sick as anyone of reading about women being shat on by useless men but the blame here lies with the men.

And if someone has MH issues and a history of hospitalisation then of course you're going to be worried.

Leggit · 19/02/2017 10:07

Christ some of you are horrible horrible? Or different opinion?

Hatemylifenow · 19/02/2017 10:09

There's a way of expressing a difference of opinion without being arsey.

GrumpyDullard · 19/02/2017 10:10

OP, you have my sympathy. Anyone who thinks this guy's behaviour is OK has clearly never attempted to co-parent with a drunk. It is no fun at all. It took me 7 years to get rid of mine.

He'd say he'd be home at 11 and roll in at 3 or be gone all night. He'd switch his phone off or divert my calls. A couple of times he disappeared for more than 24 hours. He'd piss himself (regularly). He'd always lose his phone/wallet/keys. Once he came home without his shoes and accused me of stealing them. He called me a cunt on more than one occasion.

And of course I'd have to drop everything to look after the children, even take days off work because he was still too drunk/hungover to look after them. The constant anxiety turned me into a crazy person.

My current DP goes to the pub and I don't have a problem with it because I know he will be home roughly the time he says or he will ring if he's staying later. He won't get so drunk he loses his clothes or pisses himself or is unable to do anything the next day. He can go out on an all nighter (e.g. a stag do) and that is fine too because it can be planned for. This is how an adult with children should behave. You are no longer free to do as you please and have to show consideration for the children and your partner.

tinytemper66 · 19/02/2017 10:21

I would find that this would be the opportune time to put the hoover over the living room!

Soubriquet · 19/02/2017 10:23

I would be bloody furious

How dare he get himself in to that much of a state where even his friend was that worried he had to contact his wife!

How can a grown man be so fucking irresponsible to get that drunk that he requires hospitalisation many times.

And then just stagger in after 5 knowing that his wife would be worried. Course she would be worried if he wasn't home by 5. I would be!

Now he gets to sleep it all off whilst the OP cares for the children after not sleeping all night

Selfish man. I would kick him out. Even if it was temporary just to make him think twice

By all means go out and get drunk. But don't get in this state!

corythatwas · 19/02/2017 10:24

It's funny how threads like this always end up with some posters suggesting that it is a man's right to get as hammered as he likes because he's an adult and any woman who wants to know when he is going to get in is being controlling.

But on the thread with the female OP who was remorseful because she had had enough wine to be visibly affected (though still fit enough to cook her dd a meal), there was a fairly equal split between "you must get help" and "you should be ashamed of yourself". Not a single poster suggested that she has a right to get pissed if she wants.

Are children supposed to magically not notice a father who gets completely hammered? Because drunken men are somehow invisible? Is the assumption here that men have such little input on family life that it doesn't matter if they render themselves incapable? Or would the posters find a husband equally controlling if he resented his wife getting herself hospitalised drinking or passing out on the sofa in the small hours? Do they think women with young children are "adults and can come home when they want"?

Crunchymum · 19/02/2017 10:25

OP said she was worried about his state of mind I assume because he is so pissed not that he has MH issues?

There is no mention of MH issues actually.

HerOtherHalf · 19/02/2017 10:27

Christ some of you are horrible.

Some of the comments are insensitive in the context of this being a thread primarily about, and by, someone who was seriously concerned about their partner's safety. However, many people are seriously pissed off with binge drinkers and their impact on society. Some posters have already commented on the drain on public services such as the police and NHS. Then there is the fact that binge drinkers spoil so much for the rest of us who would like to enjoy a night out without having to endure those drunken wankers fighting, vomiting, pissing and shitting, vandalising, stumbling etc all over the place.

The OP's partner knows from experience that he cannot control his drinking when he starts. The solution is very simple - don't start. The fact that he continues to repeat the cycle with total disregard for his partner, children, friends and society in general shows that he is just a selfish wanker and deserves no sympathy from anyone if he ruins his marriage or comes to harm as a consequence.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 19/02/2017 10:27

I can't believe the police acted on this? A man is an hour let getting home from a club that's still open and they put a description out of him and send someone to the club? Crazy

This. Where on earth are you that the police would, or could even, do this on a Saturday night? Can you imagine calling the cops and saying "My husband is drunk in a nightclub and won't come home" and them saying "not to worry, we'll announce his details on the radio and send someone in to the club to check on him".

Struggling to believe that actually happened, tbh.

Mehfruittea · 19/02/2017 10:32

Sorry your DH is such a dick. My DH does this occasionally but never to this extreme and never regularly.

Realistically - you cannot leave him in charge of DD until he has sobered up and is capable. Do you have anyone who can help so that you can sleep today?

He needs to understand the impact of his stupidity? What would be a wake up call for him? DD seeing him unconscious on the sofa? Asking why she can't play with daddy? Find the button and push it. If he can't change or won't change - are you prepared to live like this? Flowers

Hatemylifenow · 19/02/2017 10:37

However, many people are seriously pissed off with binge drinkers and their impact on society.

I share their anger but it's not the op's fault nor her responsibility.

Crunchymum · 19/02/2017 10:43

But it was the OP's decision to involve the Police?

EweAreHere · 19/02/2017 10:46

Sorry, OP. Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and irresponsible, and he's putting his life in jeopardy (and your family's well-being) every time he does this.

I'm glad he's home, but I would be really, really clear that this can never, ever happen again ... or maybe this is even the final straw?

I hope you let the police know he was home so they didn't waste any more time and resources looking for him.

Mehfruittea · 19/02/2017 10:47

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents

Perhaps OP said along the lines of:

My husband is very very drunk and alone in x club. He has been left alone and is vulnerable. He has been hospitalised in the past and there is a high risk he could suffer a serious injury or collapse. He's by himself. The club are not answering the phone.

The police would surely have a duty of care to do something? Lower priority than other incidents but I think they have to agree to do something.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 19/02/2017 10:51

I would still find it almost inconcievable, tbh. He's not vulnerable in any real sense, or any more so than half the other people in the club.
I don't see why the police would have any duty of care whatsoever, or even if they did, have the resources spare to do anything at all.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 19/02/2017 10:54

Sorry, I understand that you were worried but phoning the police and the hospitals is a massive waste of time and resources for them. He is an adult. You need to leave him to do whatever he is doing and he can deal with the consequences of that later.

corythatwas · 19/02/2017 11:04

Peppapogstillonaloop Sun 19-Feb-17 10:54:18
"Sorry, I understand that you were worried but phoning the police and the hospitals is a massive waste of time and resources for them. He is an adult. You need to leave him to do whatever he is doing and he can deal with the consequences of that later."

Won't the family be dealing with the consequences? Or are we assuming that this man has no input into the life of the family and that they do not need him in any way?

Would we say the same of a mother who risked putting herself into hospital from drinking: "she can deal with the consequences of that later", as if nobody else was involved?

Bettyspants · 19/02/2017 11:05

I'm amazed the police responded too, I've seen how incredibly overstretched they are on weekend nights . If true I would think there's a lot more prior form to have made them act on a phone call about him being an HR late. Either way he's A grown adult with a family, he's ruined the weekend and I would be absolutely furious with him. I hope he's up looking after DC and op is catching up on sleep