Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's rude to ask someone how much their mortgage repayments are?

185 replies

CatchTheRainbow · 18/02/2017 19:18

Two people have asked me this since I moved to my new house.

I kind of feel it's like asking someone how much they earn. It's personal and should only be shared if that person offers up that information freely.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 19/02/2017 10:53

I don't see how you can be friends with someone without having an idea of what they earn.

Are you serious? I have literally no idea how much my friends earn.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 10:54

"It's not uncommon to rent as cheap as possible to save for a deposit, so you have no idea what people financial situation is."

If their rent is 500 a month, I will know that earn at least that amount. Yes, the maximum could be really high, but I will have a good idea of the minimum.

"It's not uncommon to rent as cheap as possible to save for a deposit"

I can assure you that very few people would choose to rent in the rough area where I live if they could afford better :) . I don't think my street is full of secret millionaires.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 19/02/2017 10:59

The theory about being able to work out salary from mortgage/rent payments doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

My mortgage is £262 pm. That's with an overpayment of £100 pm. How could anyone possibly guess my earnings from that??

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 19/02/2017 11:03

I can guess what a lot of people I know earn, but I don't know for sure.
Most of my good friends would tell me if I asked, because they think the same way I do, but in the "second tier" of friends (people I know through school etc) only the ones who have crap jobs would mentions wages. The "professionals" would never discuss what they earn.

PageStillNotFound404 · 19/02/2017 11:18

Unless someone volunteers the information, you can only ever know in vague terms what your friends earn OR how much money they have to spend. You would probably be safe to assume that Sally the Surgeon earns more than Nigel the Nurse, but that doesn't tell you anything about their relative disposable incomes or how much they're spending on a mortgage. Sally could be mortgaged to the hilt and paying care home fees for an elderly relative while Nigel might have bought his house cash from an inheritance.

Katy07 · 19/02/2017 11:23

I don't think it's rude, just nosy. You don't have to tell them.

MuseumOfCurry · 19/02/2017 11:36

I don't see how you can be friends with someone without having an idea of what they earn

Correction: it would be hard to be good friends with someone without having a vague idea of the minimum they earn. This doesn't mean it's OK to ask, though.

charlestrenet · 19/02/2017 11:38

It's easier to work out salary from rent than it is from mortgage repayments, because most agents/landlords will only rent to someone who can afford the multiplier, and most renters don't earn much over the multiplier because if they did they would be buying, not renting. And if they were earning less, they wouldn't be able to rent that property, usually. So it's far more specific. Knowing what mortgage payments are actually tells you less because you don't know what the deposit is.

DixieNormas · 19/02/2017 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 19/02/2017 13:37

If you ask someone what their rent is, you know they must earn at least 4 times that amount therefore you can work out roughly their wage

Ha! I bloody WISH we had an income of 4 times our rent!!

TheWinterOfOurDiscountTents · 19/02/2017 13:39

I don't see how you can be friends with someone without having an idea of what they earn

Really easily.Why would I know what my friends earn? I can tell if they have more or less money than me, but even that is just a guess. Or I can have a stab at it from their job title, but I don't know.

PageStillNotFound404 · 19/02/2017 13:43

It's easier to work out salary from rent than it is from mortgage repayments, because most agents/landlords will only rent to someone who can afford the multiplier, and most renters don't earn much over the multiplier because if they did they would be buying, not renting.

But a) there isn't one standard multiplier for the rental industry - I've been in three rented houses and different criteria has applied every time; b) many people who've never had to rent don't even know there can be a multiplier, much less how much it might be, so wouldn't even know there may be such a correlation; c) people's circumstances can change while they're renting but they stay put because the house suits or the upheaval of moving isn't for them and d) it's often a tenant's lack of deposit that keeps them from buying, not their salary or rent.

In short, I disagree.

FairyDogMother11 · 19/02/2017 13:51

I'm not usually bothered by it, we got a really good deal on our mortgage. Depends what context it's in - my friend is renting a small one bed flat currently and is paying only £125 less a month than what we are for our house, and she wanted to know what ballpark she would be looking at as she's saving to buy. She was expecting a huge jump in outgoings but it wasn't anywhere near as bad as she expected. But if it's someone being nosey about earnings etc then it's a bit different.

OutToGetYou · 19/02/2017 14:05

Gwenhwyfar

"Out - If you're a lawyer you might be better off without kids, but if you were a low earner you might be better of with kids because you would qualify for help."

That's an incredibly odd thing to say. What has being a lawyer got to do with anything? What if you were a part time lawyer so a low earner, or is it just 'being a lawyer' that precludes one from this help?

I don't know any lawyers (except through work I suppose, but even then I don't know them) but I do know a lot of parents and my observation is that kids cost a lot and reduce people's ability to earn and save.

MuseumOfCurry · 19/02/2017 14:25

I don't know any lawyers (except through work I suppose, but even then I don't know them) but I do know a lot of parents and my observation is that kids cost a lot and reduce people's ability to earn and save.

You very often read threads about people thrown into financial disarray when their children leave home (or full-time education) because of the benefits system. I expect anyone on NMW is better off with children - this might be changing, though.

Sung · 19/02/2017 15:15

No one has ever asked me this. I'm not sure what they could really use the information for though - without knowing a lot of other facts. I guess they know the minimum you can afford or that you couldn't afford to buy outright/or have paid mortgage off (and even then you are on very dodgy ground).

I've had loads of people make probing statements though over the years. e.g. neighbour when we were having our new kitchen done said that they waited until they had paid their mortgage off and saved the money first as her husband is very sensible with money and refused to do it earlier. I agreed it was very sensible but didn't add that that was exactly what we had done too (we are 15 yrs younger than them, so I don't think it would have gone down well at all, and anyway - none of their business!). They can think we are mortgaged/loaned up to the max/silly with money/have a lower household income than they do/children go to state school because we can't afford private/pity me because I 'have to work' unlike them - whatever they want. I just smile and nod.

barinatxe · 19/02/2017 15:34

It's no ruder to ask how much someone pays for their mortgage each month than to ask them how many kids they have, what job they do, whether they are married, if they've ever lived abroad, what music they like or what hobbies they have. Those other questions are much more personal. Knowing how much you pay for your mortgage doesn't tell me how big your deposit was or what your income is, unless I know the mortgage term, interest rate and so on.

People ask me all the time, and I am happy to tell them because it is usually the case of the asker being someone who wants to buy a home but believes they can't afford to. Online mortgage calculators are fair enough, but they are not necessarily better than asking someone a few years older than you who may have been through the same experiences as you.

If you're not comfortable answering the question, then don't! Just say "I'm sorry but I would prefer to keep my repayments private because of x, y and z." If you consider it rude to have been asked the question, you cannot consider it rude to refuse to answer.

BackforGood · 19/02/2017 15:55

I don't see how you can be friends with someone without having an idea of what they earn

Shock Shock Shock

really ? I mean Really ???

You must "do" friendships in a very different way from me then.
I am friendly with lots of people whose finances I haven't got a clue about.

kath6144 · 19/02/2017 16:03

We are in early fifties and have a group of friends I first met 26yrs ago. All dotted around country but generally meet up with families once a year. All professionals and all reasonably comfortable financially I would think.

One of the guys in particular is obsessed with money and over the years always talked about levels of mortgage & rates/utility bills/pension. He runs a family business, which he has built up since taking it over and recently merged it with a bigger company, yet always maintained that they still had a mortgage at same time as telling us he was putting his dividends into his pension pot, and then mentioning the high value of that pot! Maybe he did still have a mortgage, but why keep mentioning it?!

Now that the group are of an age where mortgages are being paid off (at least one if not both parties in each couple first bought when houses were v cheap) he has switched to pensions. At our last get together, he spent the whole of one lunch asking if we thought he would have enough pension (see above re large pot!) whilst at same time telling us all what a great deal the merger was.

My DH had to go talk to someone at other end of table, as the constant finance talk was winding him up. As DH said, he and his DW are almost certainly in a different financial league to rest of us following the merger (and we are v comfortable) but he is still obsessed with people's finances. His wife is lovely, they arent a bragging couple, I think he is just interested in money and is quite nosey.

Our DC came into an inheritence a couple of years ago. I have not told many people, but it is likely that our DC will be able to buy houses a lot earlier than the other DC of same age in the group, so we will no doubt get a few questions then!

I have no interest in any one else's finances, and therefore don't expect people to ask about mine, except to generally know if we can afford to do something.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 19/02/2017 17:13

Tha'ts kind of illustrated my point kath.
People who are "comfortable" generally don't discuss how much they earn/pay for big things like mortgages, whereas my friends who have little often talk about it, for example if they can afford to take on overtime when they would be paying x amount more in childcare. Money doesn't matter so much when you have it.

TheLaughingGnome · 19/02/2017 17:15

Depends doesn't it? If the conversation goes "yes, we pushed for a higher mortgage of £500k, but nervous" "eep, what are the repayments like?" Is fine isn't it? " we just bought a new house" "what are your repayments" = rude

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 18:27

"Why would I know what my friends earn? I can tell if they have more or less money than me, but even that is just a guess. Or I can have a stab at it from their job title, but I don't know."

I said have an IDEA didn't I. I hope you don't go 'let's go out and eat' and when the friend turns up it's a Michelin star that the friend couldn't possibly afford. It's for reasons like that that you should have an idea how much your friends earn.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 18:32

"I do know a lot of parents and my observation is that kids cost a lot and reduce people's ability to earn and save."

Yes, for middle income people, not necessarily for low income people.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 18:37

"really ? I mean Really ???

You must "do" friendships in a very different way from me then.
I am friendly with lots of people whose finances I haven't got a clue about."

So you invite poor friends to expensive activities? You must have formed an idea surely or you just blithely expect that everyone is the same as you.

I was talking to a group of friends recently about going away for a weekend. One of them wants a hot tub. I let her know that I wouldn't want to be paying my part of a place with a hot tub so if I'm to be included that wouldn't work. We then discussed maybe a hotel and someone said a 'nice hotel'. Again, I had to let them know that I couldn't join if it was an expensive hotel. These are old school friends I don't see often they don't necessarily know how much I can afford, but the friends I see regularly obviously do know.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 19/02/2017 18:52

"I do know a lot of parents and my observation is that kids cost a lot and reduce people's ability to earn and save."

Yes, for middle income people, not necessarily for low income people.*

Of course having children affects your ability to earn and save, and for low income people too.
I am on a fairly low income, in part because I haven't been able to work the hours I would need to to have a better paid job, because of being a parent.
If I didn't have dc, I wouldn't even be in the job I am in. I would still be doing my old job, which was much better paid but very unpredictable hours, plus I wouldn't be spending all my cash on school shoes and swimming lessons!