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AIBU?

To think it's rude to ask someone how much their mortgage repayments are?

185 replies

CatchTheRainbow · 18/02/2017 19:18

Two people have asked me this since I moved to my new house.

I kind of feel it's like asking someone how much they earn. It's personal and should only be shared if that person offers up that information freely.

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MuseumOfCurry · 19/02/2017 19:00

So you invite poor friends to expensive activities?

People tend to socialise within their own socio-economic group, though.

I am friendly with lots of people whose finances I haven't got a clue about.

Friendly, possibly but I agree It's impossible to be friends with someone and at the same time have not a clue about their finances. For starters, you'd have been in their house which is a clue.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 19:01

Yes, IfNot, I'm not talking about people like you. You obviously have good earning power as you say you'd be able to earn well in the job you did before.

Ordinarily · 19/02/2017 19:08

I don't know what my friends earn and would never ask.

People who are "comfortable" generally don't discuss how much they earn/pay for big things like mortgages, whereas my friends who have little often talk about it

I have a low income, and don't talk about it IRL.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 19:15

"So you invite poor friends to expensive activities?

People tend to socialise within their own socio-economic group, though. "

Yes, but it's quite approximate I'd say. I do read on mn about people who would never go somewhere and everyone pay for themselves whereas the people I know would always pay for themselves if going to a restaurant for someone's birthday for example so I'm obviously not mixing with the upper echelons. Still in my group, there's a lot of variety. I have a friend who works in a call centre, one or two unemployed, one a student (but who actually had an income like my wages), others work in IT and earn a hell of a lot more.

"It's impossible to be friends with someone and at the same time have not a clue about their finances. For starters, you'd have been in their house which is a clue."

There are actually a couple of people who I'd consider good friends whose house I've never been to because they don't do any entertaining and it's out of the way, so we'd never pop in, but I still know more or less from their lifestyle. Of course they could be filthy rich and only pretending to be slumming it, but that's unlikely.

TheLaughingGnome · 19/02/2017 19:33

I think you can know the kind of activities your friends do without knowing what salary bracket they are in. We have a big holiday once a year with about 40 people and we all have different and/or fluctuating incomes and we say at the beginning what our ceiling is and then look for the best place we can get for that amount. Some people can't afford to go every time and that's sometimes because they've just moved jobs or they've just bought a house or had a baby. Money is way more complex than is being made out here - especially where I live (London) where people's housing situations often bear no resemblance to their income but more related to inheritance, age, when they bought first place etc.

BackforGood · 19/02/2017 19:46

I just don't know where to start with some of these. On my tablet too so can't copy and paste at the moment.

As has been said throughout this thread, someone's disposable income at any stage of their life isn't the same as the price they would get for their house if they were selling. For 1001 different reasons which I'm not going to bother repeating.
I have several friends that I've known for years (20+, or even 30+ years in some cases), that I haven't got a clue what their houses are like.
"So you invite poor friends to expensive activities" - I do wish I could do one of those crying with laughter emojis. That is such a funny comment. Er........ I don't go to expensive activities, so I certainly wouldn't be inviting anyone else. Generally, inviting happens when someone has a party to celebrate something, so I only 'invite' if I'm paying for the room/DJ, or if it is at my house. If I'm thinking of going somewhere - say a show or gig or concert, then I'd throw out a genral invitation 'I've got / am getting tickets to X, they cost £Z, does anyone want them?', or, 'Anyone want to try out this new restaurant, here's a link to their menu?' etc. I don't ask to see their P60 first, lol.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 19:56

" I don't go to expensive activities"

and later

" I only 'invite' if I'm paying for the room/DJ"

Bit confused at that. You claim not to do expensive activities, but will hire a room and a DJ, which is clearly an expensive activity.

"'Anyone want to try out this new restaurant, here's a link to their menu?"

I wouldn't really want someone throwing a general invitation that included me to a restaurant that I couldn't ever afford and I don't think a considerate friend would do that. Would you really invite (in the sense we're talking about, obviously not in the sense of you paying) a low-income friend to a really expensive restaurant?

TheLaughingGnome · 19/02/2017 19:56

Yes and very few people will do whatever they want no matter how high their salary. We all prioritise the stuff we want to spend money on

MuseumOfCurry · 19/02/2017 19:59

I just don't know where to start with some of these.

You're an island of reason in a sea of nonsense.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 19/02/2017 20:13

Yes, IfNot, I'm not talking about people like you. You obviously have good earning power as you say you'd be able to earn well in the job you did before.

No.I had quite good earnings before I had children. Anyone who doesn't have children has better earning potential than someone with children. They had the freedom to re-locate/work late/put the extra hours in. Its pretty straightforward-people with children, low income (like me) or not, generally have less spare money! Not sure how anyone could possibly argue with that!

BackforGood · 19/02/2017 20:15

Thank you Museum

Gwen - we are talking about a once in 10/20 yrs birthday there, not a weekly /monthly night out, and you might be surprised how little that actually costs where we are, esp. when you have a friend who likes dj-ing in his spare time.

Re the restaurant, I wouldn't opt to go to an expensive restaurant, as I said, so it just wouldnt come up. If I arrange something it tends to be a '2 for 1' type of local pub. However, I wouldnt be "offended" by someone asking me to something I couldn't afford, I'd just say no thanks, bit out of my price range, or things are a bit tight at the moment.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 20:16

Another example: splitting the bill, sometimes high income people split the bill without thinking that this will be hard on the low income people who only had soup because that's all they can afford.

Something else that happened to me was an acquaintance choosing one of the most expensive wines on the menu (I thought he would pay for it as he'd made such a big show of ordering it) and then expecting us all to pay. If I'd been given the choice I obviously would have gone for the house, but this guy probably didn't realise I earned much less as he was just an acquaintance.

MuseumOfCurry · 19/02/2017 20:48

Anyone who doesn't have children has better earning potential than someone with children. They had the freedom to re-locate/work late/put the extra hours in. Its pretty straightforward-people with children, low income (like me) or not, generally have less spare money! Not sure how anyone could possibly argue with that!

Something like a third of Britain is in receipt of means-tested benefits payments so it's not quite that straightforward.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 19/02/2017 21:28

I know museum, I'm one of them (tax credits). I would still be better off with no kids because I would work full time, and tax credits don't top my wage up to a full time one.
Its gorn off the rails, anyway, and not the point of the thread!

TheLaughingGnome · 19/02/2017 21:40

Actually I think the worst off must be people on zero hour contracts trying to pay their own rent. With no kids there is no safety net and the working tax credit figures are very low.

HelsinkiLights · 20/02/2017 03:22

Stoic because we also discuss interest rates, length of mortgage, how much original mortgage was & what is left, overpayments/underpayments etc.
Though every case is different but can give ideas.
GIVE IDEAS not the gospel according to Jesus.

LeBoob · 20/02/2017 06:43

I have a friend that not only wants to know price of mortgage, but interest rate, term, amount of deposit, sold price and possible room for profit. It's not information I want to be forthcoming with, however in the situation I just can't say no

MrsKoala · 20/02/2017 08:29

Do you think it's a regional thing? I'm a Londoner and it's basically like discussing the weather to everyone i have met. It comes up with colleagues and randoms as well as people you know. Mainly everyone with faces. I think its's more incredulity and people wanting to make sure they aren't the only ones paying so much.

I once stayed at a b&b in Nottingham and when i checked in the lady saw my address and immediately said 'ohhh how much did your house cost?' so i told her. Then she shouted to her husband 'ere x this ladies house cost y'. Then she told me laughing how cheap and big her house was and what fools Londoners were. Er thanks, i'll just go to my room and cry then.

olderthanyouthink · 20/02/2017 09:11

MrsKoala maybe you're right there.

I've gotten a similar reaction when I told people how much my train ticket was. (£621.50)

heron98 · 20/02/2017 09:14

I don't think it's rude.

My friends and I talk about this stuff all the time. It's not a secret.

MrsKoala · 20/02/2017 09:20

Yeah, It gets a bit competitive Older. How much you can pay for how little! DH pays about £400 for fares and people always say 'that's more than my mortgage'. Well lucky you - i don't think i know anyone under 45 with a mortgage under £1k

DianaMemorialJam · 20/02/2017 09:30

So rude.

2 health visitors at seperate times asked me if we own or rent our house, when I said we own it they both said 'how did you afford that then?' I just asked them why they needed to know. nosey people.

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MuseumOfCurry · 20/02/2017 10:19

2 health visitors at seperate times asked me if we own or rent our house, when I said we own it they both said 'how did you afford that then?' I just asked them why they needed to know. nosey people.

WTAF?

DianaMemorialJam · 20/02/2017 10:51

I know! They tried to say that it was under the guise of making sure we didn't have any money problems or some bullshit like that... But they had already asked 'do you have any debt problems'

Maybe we just look like a pair of shit houses.

AndShesGone · 20/02/2017 11:01

My rent is £1700.

I do not and know no one who does earn £6800 a month

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