To think E-DH should've asked if it was okay that children meet new partner.

[Deadsouls]

So ex-DH and I have had a massive disagreement about this.
I found out, or rather guessed, that ex-DH had planned to take children, age 6 and 9 to meet his new girlfriend for the first time tomorrow. He'd also spoken to the children about it, but not mentioned it to me. As I said, it only came about because I intuited it.

My argument is that it is just a matter of respect to just mention it to me, or tell me first before telling the children. Or to just say, 'I'm thinking of etc....'.
That would mean I could talk to the kids first, and at least ask them if that's what they want. It's what I'd do.

His argument is that it's not a big deal, that it's none of my business, he's their father. And that friends of his have said that it's not my concern.
One of his retorts to me was, 'don't have mental health issues about it'
Which I found staggering.

Anyway, I'm wondering, because I feel that it's a normal that thing to run past the co-parent about meeting new partners. I thought that's how these things normally went.

liveloveetc
Of course it's fine. Just like your school won't ask before they "introduce" the new PE teacher to your child. So if you are then meeting him or her in Tesco your child can say "that's mr/s X" and you nod and say hi.
After four years separated it really shouldn't be such a huge deal. The trust and respect should be given that the dad can manage this without the approval of his ex wife who seems to- ahem- have some issues with letting go.

Fwiw I started writing before page 3 was done and by the time I had posted it was almost the end of page 4 with some new info. It certainly sounds like this break up has been dragged out a lot and you do sound overly involved. Drawing your boundaries will help and protect you and your feelings too.

Ok a bit of projection in my post for which I apologise. I didn't mean to come across as harsh.

I do feel that you are using the wrong language with your DCs for reasons other PPs have put more eloquently.

Best of luck Deadsouls

It will 100% get easier, as weird as it might seem now

Ahh with the information that you are both still heavily involved in each other's lives it does make more sense and give a lot more context.

I still don't think it's wrong of him to have not said anything however as you spend so much time together it is quite strange he didn't and reasonable that you might expect it. Suggests he didn't because he knew it would upset you.

This must feel a bit like a kick in the stomach. Sorry

Stay strong OP, you are BU, but being I love (even a little bit) and watching an ex move on is hard. Support the kids - and try and avoid making them feel guilty about interacting with their dad and his gf

I don't think he's done anything wrong by not mentioning it to you, but your feeling so strongly that he should have shows that you are too over involved, you need to step back to preserve your own feelings and in order to move on fully.

To be fair does anyone really think that if the ex had just "mentioned it" all casual like, OP would have bitten her tongue and not said to the DC "do you want to meet her?" etc (as indeed she did). How could it not be in the DC's best interest to have a relaxed first meeting with a new serious partner without feeling the burden of worrying about upsetting their mum?

I think you know that the reason you're upset about this is because you still have feelings for your ex. You're hurt and that's understandable, but please don't project that onto your DC. The girlfriend may well become their step-mum and be in their lives for many years.
Try to be strong and move on as your ex clearly has.

I can see why you would want to be informed - the dc's are going to want to talk about it (I know mine did), at least being forewarned of potential conversations will mean they can be handled properly

I don't think you would feel this way if you moved on first. I was a bit like you when my ex moved on but it did me no good. I'm now with someone else and his ex is behaving exactly like you and it's a nightmare. She has a partner aswell and is currently ruling our lives with regards to kids what my partner can and can't do and she hates me. Its one rule for her and another for us. I dunno what to say other than tread carefully in what you say to the kids they'll grow up think this behaviour is normal.

I get wanting to be informed, so that when the kids come back and say "We had a great time with dad - we went to the park and Sally bought us icecream and pushed us on the swings," you have the first clue who "Sally" is and what she's doing with them at the park. Or even when he brought them home he said "Oh by the way, I introduced them to my gf today, just in case they mention her," that's more than he's obliged to and is purely courtesy.

But beyond that YABU to feel like you can vet who your Ex introduces his children to, and when. or even asking questions of your kids. If I decided to introduce my DD to a new partner then that is my decision, my Ex doesn't get to have a say in it nor does he get to ask her if she's alright with it or if she wants to do it ... I am her parent and while she's with me, I make the decisions.

What would you have done if you'd asked your kids "is that what you want to do?' and 'do you feel okay doing that?" and they'd said no? You can't over ride their father's wishes to introduce his partner but now you've put him in an awful position of either changing his plans and continuing to keep his partner and his children seperate, or forcing him to do it anyway when you've said "But I asked the kids and they said no" ... you also put your children in the awful position of having to basically choose between their parents because you're basically asking them "Do you want to meet your dad's gf?" and making it a big deal, so they might feel like they should say no so as not to upset you, or they genuinely don't want to meet her and have to upset their dad. Either way it's not a fair question to make them answer, especially as it's unecessary

I can understand how it hurts but it looks like he has done the right things here:
Waited until the relationship is serious.
Mentioned it to the kids before doing it.

There's no evidence from what you've said that he asked them to keep it secret. It also sounds like you knew he was in a relationship so it's not a total bolt from the blue.

In my experience most couples who split don't mention to each other when they are doing something like this.

I know it hurts but he really isn't doing anything wrong. Yes it would be a courtesy to mention it to you as well but most people wouldn't. It seems he did tell you about the relationship so it's not unreasonable that you should expect this.

In all fairness if both parties were co parenting with no issues and both were able to make decisions based on the best interests of the kids then I do think they should talk about important stuff because it is important for each party to support the other whilst each are being responsible,
Both parties being comfortable and openly supportive can reduce a lot of issues.
The problem being we don't live in a perfect world and not everybody can do that because human emotions often get in the way so it is often safer to not do so.

I agree with you OP. It doesn't matter how long you have been separated and it isn't about asking 'permission', it is giving the other parent a heads up about the questions they are about to be asked.

Personally, I would expect to meet this person. They will be spending time with my children and showing the kids you are on board and 'friends' is modelling positive relationships.

Plus I'm controlling!!!

Deadsouls I am sorry this has been so hard. I hope things will feel better soon.

It does sound like you had your hopes up things would come back together for you both and his presence in your home etc has encouraged that. he probably didn't even realise it.

I do think it is his choice to tell, and better for you to come to terms with it.

Maybe a good idea to see a counsellor just to get your emotions out there. I've had lots of counselling, it has been very helpful indeed.

I think you posted hoping for support but AIBU is really not the most supportive part of Mumsnet, at all! Plus I think in the nicest possible way you are being a bit unreasonable. My friend and her dh divroced and although they have a child she tells him nothing about her life.

I think your dh could have handled this better, his comments were unkind. But it has been a long time since he met her and so this is not sudden.

Please try and find a way to cope through this with serenity, don't allow it to steal your peace of mind.

I hope you will find a good way through this and that things go well with their meeting this woman. Hopefully she will be nice to the kids, and fair, but she will never replace you, you are the mum, so don't worry, be calm and use 'AIBU' sparingly because it can be caustic!

XXXX

Of course you will receive a range of responses, OP - that's because this is s subjective issue. The majority of responses suggest YSBU but that doesn't mean people don't understand how you feel. If you had hopes of a reconciliation it is natural to be upset. But your ex is doing nothing wrong so yes, you do have to suck it up. Sorry.

I think it's a tricky subject because whilst in principle, fine, if you still have feelings for your ex, your likely to want to stop it.

Your ex is a parent, they get to choose how they do so. As long as the DC aren't visiting to a different every week, I wouldn't be overly concerned. I would say try not to worry, she's not going to replace you. Step Mums often get bad press even if they're up for beatification.