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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think E-DH should've asked if it was okay that children meet new partner.

117 replies

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 20:56

So ex-DH and I have had a massive disagreement about this.
I found out, or rather guessed, that ex-DH had planned to take children, age 6 and 9 to meet his new girlfriend for the first time tomorrow. He'd also spoken to the children about it, but not mentioned it to me. As I said, it only came about because I intuited it.

My argument is that it is just a matter of respect to just mention it to me, or tell me first before telling the children. Or to just say, 'I'm thinking of etc....'.
That would mean I could talk to the kids first, and at least ask them if that's what they want. It's what I'd do.

His argument is that it's not a big deal, that it's none of my business, he's their father. And that friends of his have said that it's not my concern.
One of his retorts to me was, 'don't have mental health issues about it'
Which I found staggering.

Anyway, I'm wondering, because I feel that it's a normal that thing to run past the co-parent about meeting new partners. I thought that's how these things normally went.

OP posts:

Sweets101 · 17/02/2017 21:41

It's not okaying it though, it's both being aware of changes in your DC's life so you can be best prepared to speak to them about it should they initiate the conversation.
Obviously you can't be aware of every thing that happens, so as parents I can't see why you would choose not to share the things you can
And if you think the other parent might be upset/angry whatever you sure as hell should be the one to tell them, not pass the buck to your DC.

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:44

lexie it's both. But even if I'd been upset, that's okay I can handle it and would've been fine in a few days. After all these things happen and inevitably they would meet her one day. But I still believe it is quite a big thing in a child's life to meet the new partner when they've never met one before. My son had a really difficult time when we spilt up, with problems at school, and is quite an anxious child. The relationship with new girlfriend is a serious one so is significant.

OP posts:

LexieLulu · 17/02/2017 21:46

Do you know how long they've been together? I'm sorry you sound like your having a really rubbish time over it

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:49

lexie they've been together since about July last year. I don't know maybe I am BU, and just can't see clearly because my feelings are all mixed up with it. The separation was difficult and it was hard adjusting to the fact that he found a new partner. Which is not his fault. I don't really know anymore.

OP posts:

Owllady · 17/02/2017 21:50

It is ok to be sad and worried about how it might affect your children for heaven's sake

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:51

But as I said usually give me a few days and it might be difficult but I'll handle it on my own or with friends. And I get used to it. Maybe it's the 'first time' thing.

OP posts:

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 17/02/2017 21:51

Were you hopeful you and ex were going to reconcile, OP?

I think the fact it's taken 4 years for this issue to arise is a good sign your ex isn't foisting some random on his kids.

Owllady · 17/02/2017 21:51

And you feel sad yourself, I think that is quite normal even if you aren't a nutter :)

SuperBeagle · 17/02/2017 21:53

So they've been together since July, and he's waited 7 months to introduce them? I don't know what your issue with that is.

When he has the children, he has the right to parent them how he chooses. That's just part and parcel of shared custody arrangements. You don't see permission from him to raise your children how you choose when they're with you, I assume? And that would include introducing them to new people.

Don't undermine his judgement. He's done nothing wrong here. They are just as much his children as they are yours, and it is his business if and when he chooses to introduce them to his new partner.

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:56

No she's not a random and it's a serious relationship. And before he had met her I had been hoping we'd get back together. Maybe I'm wrong here. But the thing that's in my mind, is would the kids have been the ones on Sunday to say, 'oh we've met so and so' or was it meant to be secret, as he hadn't said anything to me. Surely they shouldn't be expected to keep secrets. And if he had said something along the lines of, 'I wanted to take DCs to meet ......', I really would've only asked them, 'is that what you want to do?' And 'do you feel okay doing that?'

OP posts:

MyWineTime · 17/02/2017 21:57

How is getting a whole load of people to agree with you in any way supportive?
People aren't being unsupportive, they are answering your question so you can try to deal with this better for yourself and your kids.
You need to know the truth and that is what you have been told. It's nice is parents can have that extra level of communication but it's not a requirement.

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:57

I'm the primary carer and if I had a new partner, I would definitely tell him straight up that I wanted the kids to meet them. I don't see that as a big deal.

OP posts:

Owllady · 17/02/2017 21:58

So none of you who think she is being unreasonable would have mentioned it beforehand?
I think that's really ill advised, just from the children's perspective tbh

SuperBeagle · 17/02/2017 21:58

'is that what you want to do?' And 'do you feel okay doing that?'

But why? Obviously it's what he wants to do and he feels okay about it, hence his decision to do it...

You don't know that he asked the children to keep it from you. There's nothing in your OP that suggests that at all. Don't look for a reason to vilify him where there is none.

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:00

mywine you say 'the truth' and that's what I've been told. But by that logic, I've been told different 'truths' as some people expressed different opinions. So truth means different things to different people. Surely it's people's opinions rather than 'the truth', whatever that is.

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 17/02/2017 22:01

But it's down to your ex to manage his DC's feelings. It would have been completely inappropriate for you to ask the DC whether it's what they want, especially not after 4 years and no string of new partners in their lives. What would you have done if your DC had said no? How would that help them feel settled around the new partner, especially as it's a serious relationship? The best thing you can do for your DC is be happy and positive around the situation, not put doubts into their minds. They will pick up on your negative feelings and feel torn apart with guilt if she's a nice person and they get on with her. Don't let that happen to them.

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:02

beagle but if not a secret, then why would the children be the one to relay the info to me. He is the adult and he can have an adult face to face conversation about it.

OP posts:

DontTouchTheMoustache · 17/02/2017 22:02

And before he had met her I had been hoping we'd get back together.

Op do you still have feelings for him? If so it's more than likely and hurt feeling / jealousy could be clouding your judgement about this. Do you still think of him as 'yours'. I think him meeting your kids is a clear sign it's serious and you won't be getting back together. That is difficult to accept but ultimately that's an issue between the two of you, the fact your kids met her is not unreasonable but I can see why you are feeling down.

NeverTwerkNaked · 17/02/2017 22:03

What would you have said if he had "run it past you" though?
If you have a history of trying to control what they do at his then I would understand why he didn't.
If you are generally relaxed then yes it would perhaps have been courteous to have mentioned it. But there is a risk you are passing unfounded fears on to your children.
My kids and step kids all enjoy having a "bonus parent"

if either I or DP had asked our ex's for permission we would have been waiting decades

So maybe it is time for both of you to reflect on how you can co parent better. And that includes you reflecting on whether any of your conduct may have made him reluctant to share that information in advance

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:04

tempus I would've felt happier or more positive had I not found out in the way I did. And anyway have since gone back to the kids and said that if that's what they would like to do, then they can.

OP posts:

SuperBeagle · 17/02/2017 22:05

but if not a secret, then why would the children be the one to relay the info to me. He is the adult and he can have an adult face to face conversation about it.

Do you run every single thing you do with your children past your ex? Every time you meet up with friends and they are there, do you tell him? I'm guessing not.

He doesn't have to converse with you about it. That's the whole point. This is a part of his life that doesn't involve you, and he has the right to make choices regarding his children when they are with him. The courts would agree.

bonnymnemonic · 17/02/2017 22:05

I think it would have been fair for him to mention it to you, but I don't think he needed to discuss it with you or get your permission/approval.

I wonder whether he was concerned that your DC could pick up on your unease about the situation if you knew. Your suggestion that you would talk to DC to prepare them or question if they're ok with it sounds like it might make them think there's reason not to be ok with it iyswim? Children can pick up on our own anxieties in these situations.

Original poster

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:06

never I have answered this. That I think I'd have been upset but give me a few days and I would deal with it on my own. That's how I feel, I can't help that I'd have been upset, there's nothing wrong with that.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2017 22:06

You said their dad has already spoken to them about it, so there's really no need for your to speak to them too.

The kids were only 2 and 5 when your split up and they're 6 and 9 now?

I don't really think it will be a huge deal them that their dad is dating

But both of you speaking to them about meeting her, would probably turn it into a big deal and could well end up causing unnecessary anxiety, IYSWIM?

Much better to do it this way imo.

Hope the meeting goes well

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 22:09

Deadsouls, you can't say things like "if that's what you want to do" to the kids. They're children, your ex's children as well, and with the greatest respect, it's not down to you, or even them, to decide whether they want to meet her. Your ex hasn't introduced anyone in four years, it's a relationship he's been in for seven months, it's his call. And that includes it just being a passing remark from the kids to you that they've met her. Right now you're the one making it a huge deal in their lives. And I think you wanting to reconcile right up to last summer is a factor in that.

It's almost harder than when you first split, when that other woman becomes involved. They're involved in your children's lives, without you knowing them. And that sucks. But it does get easier.

You just need to leave it be.

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