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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think E-DH should've asked if it was okay that children meet new partner.

117 replies

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 20:56

So ex-DH and I have had a massive disagreement about this.
I found out, or rather guessed, that ex-DH had planned to take children, age 6 and 9 to meet his new girlfriend for the first time tomorrow. He'd also spoken to the children about it, but not mentioned it to me. As I said, it only came about because I intuited it.

My argument is that it is just a matter of respect to just mention it to me, or tell me first before telling the children. Or to just say, 'I'm thinking of etc....'.
That would mean I could talk to the kids first, and at least ask them if that's what they want. It's what I'd do.

His argument is that it's not a big deal, that it's none of my business, he's their father. And that friends of his have said that it's not my concern.
One of his retorts to me was, 'don't have mental health issues about it'
Which I found staggering.

Anyway, I'm wondering, because I feel that it's a normal that thing to run past the co-parent about meeting new partners. I thought that's how these things normally went.

OP posts:
trinity0097 · 17/02/2017 20:58

I wouldn't' have thought it was necessary to run it past you, when he has them he is parenting them how he sees fit, just like you do when you have them.

LexieLulu · 17/02/2017 21:00

How long have you been separated?

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:00

Okay, run it past, is the wrong expression as that implies permission. Maybe mention it, so I could speak to the kids about it.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 17/02/2017 21:00

No-I don't think he's done anything wrong.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:02

Lexie we have been apart for about 4 years I'd say. This is the first new partner for either of us, that kids would meet.
Maybe I've got this all wrong. Not been in this situation before.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 17/02/2017 21:02

I'm afraid that I agree with him.

You wouldn't want to run your new friends past him either.

Even when it's crass, hurtful, or downright-barking, when they are with the it her parent it is totally up to that parent to decide who his DC meet.

trinity0097 · 17/02/2017 21:02

Why do you need to speak to them about it, he has spoken to them about it, if they have concerns no doubt they will share them with you.

Guitargirl · 17/02/2017 21:03

I don't think he's done anything wrong here tbh.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:03

Okay I can see how this going to go. I should've posted this in a different forum.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/02/2017 21:03

I don't recall mentioning to XH when DS met my DP. Why should it be different if it's the dad and his new partner?

trinity0097 · 17/02/2017 21:04

Don't ask if you are unreasonable, then be upset if we think you are!

Guitargirl · 17/02/2017 21:04

Posted in a different forum? Why - because you aren't getting the responses you wanted?

LexieLulu · 17/02/2017 21:04

Hmm after four years I don't think I would have run it past my ex. It's not like the feeling of parents separating is raw to the children, they are used to it now. He did tell them first which is right of him.

But it was wrong for him to snap at you when you expressed your concern

staywoke · 17/02/2017 21:04

Sorry OP but it's not your business. Your ex is allowed to make his own parenting decisions regarding the children. He has a new partner that he trusts and I'm sure at age 6 and 9 your dc are capable of understanding the situation without you talking them through it.

VikingVolva · 17/02/2017 21:04

No, it's fine here.

I think you'll see similar advice in any MN topic.

Because he is an equal parent, and he gets to choose what happens when the DC are with him. Just as you get to choose when with you.

GTS · 17/02/2017 21:05

Your post says 'should have asked if it was okay', which is unreasonable. I do think it would have been preferable / sensible to mention it, even just in passing, given the age of your DC.
I wouldn't bother having a massive disagreement, just tell him it would be preferable that he mentions it next time he gets a new girlfriend.

getdownfromthere · 17/02/2017 21:07

I'm getting the feeling you're just looking out for your kids.
That's all.

neonrainbow · 17/02/2017 21:07

4 years? No you don't get a say on this. You're coming across really controlling.

Bahh · 17/02/2017 21:08

Why should you have posted in a different forum? To get more people to agree with you? Doesn't really work that way. You ask peoples opinions and you get peoples opinions.

You said yourself you've never been in this situation so don't know what the etiquette is. Well it looks like the majority of people are telling you what the etiquette is.

I'm a step parent. I was introduced to SD without mentioning anything to mum, she sent one or two shitty texts and got over it. Funnily enough she never thought to mention it to OH when she was introducing men to SD.

It's normal, sorry.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:09

Trinity - hence I said I'd posted in the wrong forum. I was looking for support which I should've got in real life from friends, not on an Internet forum. Mistake.

Guitar - yes maybe you're right for the reasons above. This is not the right place for this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:10

I've asked for this thread to be removed. I made a mistake posting this on here.

OP posts:
noschooll4mee · 17/02/2017 21:10

I agree with you OP . If my partner and I were apart I would expect some sort of discussion about how new partners were introduced. For example I would not be happy to have a succession of partners introduced , I would not expect my partner to compromise his access time with his kids by spending it with a partner tagging along . I would hope we would have a general agreement or heads up about how things are going with regard to new partners .
I am completely aware the OP didn't suggest that her ex had a succession of partners/or compromised access time . I was just using this as examples of issues I might have .
And yes.. .. my ex would hear all about my opinion !

aintnobodygottimefodat · 17/02/2017 21:11

I'm with your ex on this one, sorry. I didn't mention anything to my ex about introducing our DD to my now DH. I don't expect him to tell me when he's introducing her to his new partner either. I trust his judgement, as he does mine.

Sweets101 · 17/02/2017 21:11

I agree with you OP. For 2 reasons
1 I think it'should important to treat each other respectfully when co-parenting after a separation
2 For the children's benefit. As if he doesn't tell you they will, it is unfair to put them in that situation as if you have any unease/discomfort it will be much harder to mask it from them if they are the first to tell you. It's quite a thoughtless position to put them in IMO.
So, for those reasons yes I do think him being the one to tell you before the meeting is the right thing to do from the POV of good parenting.

redexpat · 17/02/2017 21:12

Well yes it probably would be in the dcs best interests to have both parents prepare them for it, and yes it shows a lack of respect, but thats probably why hes an ex.