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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think E-DH should've asked if it was okay that children meet new partner.

117 replies

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 20:56

So ex-DH and I have had a massive disagreement about this.
I found out, or rather guessed, that ex-DH had planned to take children, age 6 and 9 to meet his new girlfriend for the first time tomorrow. He'd also spoken to the children about it, but not mentioned it to me. As I said, it only came about because I intuited it.

My argument is that it is just a matter of respect to just mention it to me, or tell me first before telling the children. Or to just say, 'I'm thinking of etc....'.
That would mean I could talk to the kids first, and at least ask them if that's what they want. It's what I'd do.

His argument is that it's not a big deal, that it's none of my business, he's their father. And that friends of his have said that it's not my concern.
One of his retorts to me was, 'don't have mental health issues about it'
Which I found staggering.

Anyway, I'm wondering, because I feel that it's a normal that thing to run past the co-parent about meeting new partners. I thought that's how these things normally went.

OP posts:
Montezumasrevenge · 17/02/2017 21:14

Fwiw, if it were me I'd expect a conversation about it first. I'd also expect to be able to meet her first too.
I'd want to know who my children were associating with. I'd expect their father to run it past me.

starfishmummy · 17/02/2017 21:14

I assume younwantnto kove to another forum because you think they will agree with you.

Theyre his kids too. He can make decisions.

beingsunny · 17/02/2017 21:15

I understand how you feel, when I met my new partner I believed that my exH ought to meet him before I introduced him to our DS.

I have since been corrected by pretty much everyone I talked to, it's seemingly not a big deal and you need to trust the other parent and their choices.

It's all fine but I suppose it's just a new adjustment.

DameBurleyChassis · 17/02/2017 21:17

When I first met my DP's girls I made sure his ex was ok with it (I was introduced to her the 2nd time I spent time with the kids). He certainly didn't have to run it by their mum but we both felt it was important. She has now met someone and introduced him to my DP around the same time he met the kids. Again, my DP didn't ask for it to happen, she just felt it the right thing to do.

Euripidesralph · 17/02/2017 21:18

At the risk of being a lone voice I wouldn't say he was wrong as such but I do think it would have been reasonable to perhaps mention it.....not ask permission because I agree with other posters that it's his choice but I would think amicable Co parenting would suggest mentioning it

Exdh and I have agreed we wI'll tell each other if we get to that point with someone purely so the other is not blindsided but the key is its a pre agreement

I would say you would be unreasonable to tell the kids....that does kind of set him up and you say you would see if they want to...not sure that's fair...if they say no how would you havever stopped it?

But I do think it wouldn't have hurt him to mention it

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 17/02/2017 21:20

I would never ask my ex if I could introduce our son to a new partner, and I wouldn't expect him to tell me either. That part of his life is not my business anymore and vice versa.

EmeraldScorn · 17/02/2017 21:21

Out of common decency and respect he should have mentioned it to you in passing at least - Not to seek approval but just as a polite courtesy.

HecateAntaia · 17/02/2017 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paxillin · 17/02/2017 21:23

It's really difficult to have no control over who your children meet and how they are parented when visiting the other parent after a split. I do feel for you. It will be hard again should he move in with her, marry her, have more kids, buy a house...so many big decisions in your children's life and you get no say.

He is right though, it is none of your business and he can prepare them himself and deal with any issues.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/02/2017 21:25

Okay I can see how this going to go. I should've posted this in a different forum.

A different forum won't change the answer.

It is hard but he has done nothing wrong.

Owllady · 17/02/2017 21:26

I agree with that it should have been mentioned
Other posters are right though, it's not about you but it isn't him either.
It's about your children together :) which is what is clear from your op

ageingrunner · 17/02/2017 21:27

I think it would have been polite and reasonable of him to let him know what he was going to do, but he didn't need to ask your permission.

JoanofNark17 · 17/02/2017 21:27

I was looking for support which I should've got in real life from friends, not on an Internet forum. Mistake

You were looking for people to say u no ur bubz hun, ur so right.

Tough, because you're not.

MojitoMollie · 17/02/2017 21:27

You didn't ask for support, you asked if you were being unreasonable, most people said you were, it's not a reason to have the thread removed

*note to MNHQ this thread should not be removed purely because the op doesn't like the replies

ageingrunner · 17/02/2017 21:29

When my exp introduced his new partner to my son I think they'd met about 6 weeks previously on the internet and I was informed that her and her child were spending the night and my son was to be there too 😳. To be fair she's very nice and they're still together years later, but I wasn't pleased and made it very obvious. Not my finest hour by any means. She must have thought I was a bit of a head case tbh Blush

Bahh · 17/02/2017 21:29

Asking for the thread to be removed when you've had perfectly courteous replies, they just don't agree with you, is a bit OTT.

Marmitepasta · 17/02/2017 21:31

I think yanbu.

He should have told you about it first. It's more respectful and as you say you could have talked to the kids about it first.

Surprised so many people are saying yabu

SteppingOnToes · 17/02/2017 21:35

My DPs ex is a bit neurotic so I met her first before meeting the kids to smooth things over a bit. It was a courtesy we offered her because she didn't react like you did, I think if she had we'd have told her to suck it up...

Sweets101 · 17/02/2017 21:35

Jeesh calm down Joan

mummypeepee · 17/02/2017 21:35

Just common decency for him to give you a heads up in case kids are upset by it. I don't think you are bu

AuntieStella · 17/02/2017 21:36

There is no need for ParentM to 'prepare' the DC for what happens at ParentF's house. That is ParentF's job.

If DC mention changes to ParentM, then responses would be 'That's nice. What's s/he like?'

Yes better if parents communicate, but it is never reasonable for one to ask the other to okay any aspect of their personal relations.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:37

I'm obviously feeling very over sensitive this evening as this just happened today. So yes maybe it may seem OTT to some people. Am I allowed to disagree with the people who think I'm BU? Or say yes I can see the point some of you make and I can understand what others have said. And yes tbh knowing AIBU forum perhaps I should've been prepared to have been tougher or had hard hat on or whatever the terminology is, but I didn't. So that's how it is for this evening.

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 17/02/2017 21:38

Do you think it's more because it's upset you, rather than you're worried about the kids?

I don't mean to sound nasty in anyway, you have my sympathy as I wouldn't like to be in your situation. It would hurt me x

Montezumasrevenge · 17/02/2017 21:39

I'd still want to know, I guess it depends on your experience. My dh has a history of picking complete crazy partners and not figuring that out for a while. He also falls in love hard and fast.
I'd need to suss them out first, I'd never sleep if I hadn't.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 21:39

Thanks stepping, I'll just 'suck it up' as you say because clearly I'm overreacting.

OP posts: