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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think E-DH should've asked if it was okay that children meet new partner.

117 replies

Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 20:56

So ex-DH and I have had a massive disagreement about this.
I found out, or rather guessed, that ex-DH had planned to take children, age 6 and 9 to meet his new girlfriend for the first time tomorrow. He'd also spoken to the children about it, but not mentioned it to me. As I said, it only came about because I intuited it.

My argument is that it is just a matter of respect to just mention it to me, or tell me first before telling the children. Or to just say, 'I'm thinking of etc....'.
That would mean I could talk to the kids first, and at least ask them if that's what they want. It's what I'd do.

His argument is that it's not a big deal, that it's none of my business, he's their father. And that friends of his have said that it's not my concern.
One of his retorts to me was, 'don't have mental health issues about it'
Which I found staggering.

Anyway, I'm wondering, because I feel that it's a normal that thing to run past the co-parent about meeting new partners. I thought that's how these things normally went.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:10

Well I'm completely confused now by some people saying I am BU and some saying I'm not BU.

OP posts:
bonnymnemonic · 17/02/2017 22:10

And anyway have since gone back to the kids and said that if that's what they would like to do, then they can

You're really not doing your kids any favours here if you actually used these words or previously expressed any annoyance/upset/surprise in front of them when you found out.

MyWineTime · 17/02/2017 22:10

The undisputable truth is the simple fact that he is perfectly entitled to do this. As their father, he is allowed to make his own decisions about things like this.

I don't understand why you would ask your children about it - what if they said no because they thought that's what you would want them to say? What if one said yes and the other said no? What of they said no, never? Do they have the right to refuse?
This is for him to deal with.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:11

bubble you could be right and this is my 'upset' that'll calm down in a few days when I get some perspective. I always need a few days to let things settle.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 17/02/2017 22:12

I think timing is relevant here TBH. I think if a new partner comes on the scene relatively soon after a split then it's more likely that introducing the kids will be mentioned because even after a split you're still in a place where you probably have more contact.

But TBH after four years people have generally settled into a new life of their own where the ex doesn't form such a prominent part, and as such I think that ex's are far less likely to talk to the other parent about introducing the kids to a new partner, because they already have their own routine with the kids etc, iyswim?

I also think that thoughts of the kids being upset etc is something which comes mostly from the adults and is them projecting their own thoughts and feelings, whereas most kids do take meeting a new partner pretty much in their stride. yes things can change as time goes on but with initial meetings it's unlikely that the DC will be upset. But I had this with my eXH when I started seeing my new DP. He told me that DS had to be told because he'd said to him that I would never have anyone else again and as such it was best he knew sooner rather than later. He was of course projecting his own feelings and hoping that DS wouldn't accept DP. He then went on to say that if I didn't tell DS I was seeing someone then he would, so he left me with no choice but to introduce DS and DP after just six weeks. And when they got on really well he then tried to tel me I'd introduced them to soon. So all projection on his part.

As for you feeling you should talk to them first to prepare them, that's not your job. Even if you knew about the GF it's still his relationship and his job to talk to the DC about it. Obviously you would be there to answer questions or whatever, but that should be it. And TBH if you're unhappy about your ex having a new partner then that could come across in the way you spoke to the DC about it, so best he deals with that. But be prepared for the fact that the DC may actually like her and enjoy spending time with her.

bonnymnemonic · 17/02/2017 22:12

Bold fail!

TempusEedjit · 17/02/2017 22:12

But deadsouls you are still phrasing it to the DC like they have a choice in the matter. At their ages they are not mature enough to make such a decision.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:13

Oh dear, now my parenting is being bought into question. I really did need my hard hat on.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 17/02/2017 22:14

I don't think UABU OP. You need to know so that you can monitor any changes in your DCs behaviour. My ex didn't tell me he had introduced his new GF to my DC, and I found out only after my DD who was 6 at the time started wetting the bed, which was due to her being stressed about staying at her dad's home at the weekend with a virtual stranger suddenly living with them. Obviously if I had known it would have saved a trip to my GP as I thought it was something medical. I could have discussed with my ex, but couldn't as I wasn't aware. You're the resident parent so of course you should be made aware of any stranger being introduced into your DCs lives.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2017 22:14

I don't really think it's fair that you told the kids 'If that's what they want to do, then they can'.

Why did you feel that was necessary?

They already knew they could because their dad told them.

It's a bit like it translates to, "If you don't mind upsetting Mummy, then go ahead".

I'm sure that wasn't your intention, but inside their minds that's how they might have heard it.

Just try not to turn it into a big deal, because to the kids it really probably isn't.

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/02/2017 22:15

OP, in the kindest possible way YABU.Thanks If he had told you first your DC would have picked up on your unhappiness and it would have effected their relationship with his new DP. This way they met her and can form their own opinions of her without your input.

Your relationship with him is over. It has been over for 4 years. It is time for you to accept that and move on.

MyWineTime · 17/02/2017 22:16

but if not a secret, then why would the children be the one to relay the info to me.
What's wrong with that?
To be honest - you don't even need to know, you don't have to be told. Your kids can decide what they want to tell you about the time they spend with their dad.

TempusEedjit · 17/02/2017 22:17

livelove the difference is I doubt the Ex in this case is the type to suddenly be moving his GF in (which I agree is not on) if this is the first new partner the DC have been made aware of in 4 years. It's not a comparable situation to yours.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:18

Actually also there is a lot of context to this that I haven't bought into it. As I can see how it might be assumed that ex-dh has been living completely separately for all this time. We seperared 4 years ago but he didn't move out till about 2 years ago. Because of his living arrangements, a lot his parenting time is done at my house. And we still spend quite a bit of time together. I still see him several times a week. But it's becoming clearer to me that I think im too over involved in his life, and we see too much of each other. I'm starting to wish it was more seperate now.

OP posts:
BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 22:19

Even if he moved out two years ago though, that's a long time. A really long time for you to still be wanting to reconcile. Have you spoken to a counsellor or anything about it all? About the break up? It helped immensely for me.

Isadora2007 · 17/02/2017 22:19

" if not a secret, then why would the children be the one to relay the info to me. He is the adult and he can have an adult face to face conversation about it."

What the? What?

How is you children telling you something they did that weekend or day a secret? That would surely be if
He had said to them NOT to tell you.

Adult to adult conversation? To be honest you don't sound capable. You sound slightly unhinged for someone four YEARS down the line about a seven month relationship.

Please. Move on. This isn't healthy. For you nor your kids.

LexieLulu · 17/02/2017 22:20

Sounds like this has really hurt you OP. Doesn't sound like you've been able to move on as he's so involved in your life

ReasonablyIntelligent · 17/02/2017 22:20

The key thing to focus on OP is not letting your feelings on the matter in anyway influence your children's. Whether you mean to or not. THAT would be unreasonable.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:21

isadora thank you for your online mental health assessment of me. And for your patronising comments about me not being capable of an adult conversation. Good on you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:24

bubble yes working it through.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 17/02/2017 22:25

TBH I can't believe people on here are saying it's okay for a stranger to be introduced into the DCs lives without at least informing the resident parent. How can that be okay? I'm not saying the ex needs to check if it's okay, but should at the very least mention it just out of courtesy and respect. What if new GF takes the DCs out to the park or shops on her own and OP bumps into them, unaware of who she is, yet she is in possession of her DCs?

MadMags · 17/02/2017 22:25

There's really nothing wrong with you hearing it from the dc though. It's not hiding it, it's just telling the people that need to know.

And if he had said something along the lines of, 'I wanted to take DCs to meet ......', I really would've only asked them, 'is that what you want to do?' And 'do you feel okay doing that?

Why would you ask them that and put ideas in their heads? Their parent decided that he was doing it and it sounds like he wasn't just foisting some woman on them. You shouldn't be that involved in his parenting decisions.

Original poster
Deadsouls · 17/02/2017 22:27

Thank you all for taking the time to comment this evening on this situation. I now need to let this information, that has been given, settle down. As I've said, not been in this situation before, not been divorced before, not had new partner on the scene before, not had children before, so it's all new and I'm learning from mistakes which is the best I can do.

OP posts:
PatsyMount · 17/02/2017 22:28

You have no place giving your DCs 'permission' to meet any friends or partner of their father with whom you have shared parental responsibility. I am shocked that you are using such language with your chdren ('if that is what you want to do you can)

I remember asking my DM when I was 12 if I could meet my errant DF. Judging by her response I never asked her again Sad She strictly forbade me. He died 4 years later. I know this is a different scenario OP but I have never forgotten how controlling she was.

Please don't allow your DCs healthy relationship with their father adversely affected by your control.

BubbleBed · 17/02/2017 22:29

deadsouls it does get easier. Honest. There are still times my kids now stepmum grates me big time, but on the whole it's ok, and just a few boundary issues we had to work through. And it is hard to see her FB posts sometimes - but on the other hand I'm bloody happy my kids have a step mum that gives a crap and cares for them. Doesn't make it all Rosey and light handing them over every weekend though.

What do you have planned this weekend? So you're not sitting at home thinking of their meeting on your own?