To ask whether you would judge someone who did not live with their children due to SS?

[SharkiraSharkira]

Assuming you only knew this and no other information about the situation? Would you automatically judge that they had done something wrong?

Just curious as there have been a few SS related threads recently and it's aroused my curiosity.

Would I be able to maintain a relationship/friendship with someone who has had their kids removed?

TBH I doubt it. Don't get me wrong as an acquaintance sure who you make chit chat with you see in the supermarket sure. But I have so little spare time that it is hard to see those friends I really want to see that I have to be very sparing about adding more in the mix and I think there would be so many potential red flags in this sort of situation that I would be offput.

I know someone who's had two dc removed by ss, retains two.

I do judge her, but not because of her dc being removed but because of her slagging them off on social media for refusing to come back to her and for her (horrendous) treatment of the two dc she still has.

If she was lovely I would probably just feel sorry for her.

What kind of red flags clacks? I understand what you're saying just trying to understand the reasoning behind it.

Same question to all those pp who say they wouldn't let them look after their children. Obviously I can understand the risk if the person in question was abusive or an addict but what if they weren't? Why would you think them a risk to your child?

It would affect my relationship with either him or her, yes. I can't think of many stories that would not negatively affect my view point of that person.

And I think that if I discovered it was addiction issues I would continue to judge negatively. Because people still have a choice about whether they abuse substances and if they continue when they have children, then I would not really want to be friends with that person.

But that is with both parents. I think mothers who are not resident because they have decided that the children would be better with other party, don't deserve any more harsh response than a father who does the same.

I wouldn't let them look after my children either, in most cases they have been removed as SS deem then unfit to care and in the rare case of voluntary handover they are saying they can't do it.

I don't think I could be or remain friends with someone who couldn't put their children before themselves, children they chose to have.

Op re red flags, well if you think about the sort of circumstances that normally lead to the removal of children you're often talking issues from a list including chaotic lives, substance abuse, abusive relationships, neglect etc. And to be honest I don't need any more drama in my life.

But to be clear I'm not going to be shunning people but I just really doubt I'm going to actively want to be friends.

Op on your second question I would be very reluctant to have someone who has had their children taken look after mine. Why? Well because my young children are my priority and why should I take any unnecessary risks with their welfare?

The OP..Said if you knew nothing other than children were removed by ss.

So based on that I would expect everyone to make a judgement that that person would not be allowed to be around their kids unsupervised.

I do also know someone who had her children removed. Our paths crossed quite a few times and I found her to be one of the most selfish people I have ever met. I think that was actually part the problem she was not able to think of her childrens needs.

I wouldn't assume anything without the story and then I would be aware it is one side of the story.

I see what you mean clacks, and that's fair enough.

I totally get why you might think that RE the supervision aspect starlight but sometimes that isn't true and you can't always make assumptions.

Obviously it is different if the person is looking after your child. Sometimes you have to err on the side of caution.

I trust my generally trust my gut instinct when it comes to my someone with my child..However If I knew there child didn't live with them due to SS and they said nothing else..Yes I would be cautious.. They might not be a risk to my child but based on no information I can't assume they can take care of a child.

That doesn't mean I couldn't be friends wouldn't go out for a drink, but my child is a seperate issue,

I am utterly heartbroken reading this.

Sometimes SS are involved due to 1 child's behaviour and a parent may make the devastating decision to go with a care plan to protect other children in the house.
Unless you know the full circumstances, don't judge lightly. Yes, it could hav been hrough neglect or abuse but there might be other reasons.

If you had asked me a few years ago- then yes I probably would of done. And then I met my DH.

He has a 13 year old daughter who lives with us full time as her mother is a drug addict. I dont judge her for it though- she was abused as a child and then went on to meet an abusive partner who got her hooked and she unfortunately hasn't been able to break the cycle. DH has had custody of DSD since she was born- she sees her mum once a week for a couple of hours.

Nobody is perfect and you should never judge a book without at least reading the first few chapters.

Hippywannabe, but then the parent would be making a decision and it would not be 'not living with children'. It would be one child from the family.

It that was the case I would assume it was a complex situation within the family and a lot to do with needs of a particular child.

I wouldn't judge as it would depend why for me. MH problems etc, I couldn't ever judge. Addiction, abuse or neglect, I would absolutely judge.

Hippy the OP isn't talking about children going with SS voluntarily. She is talking about children being removed.

Sometimes the two are the same thing to someone who isn't in the situation themselves Felicia.

I didnt judge my old friend (she moved away but we keep in touch at birthdays and Christmas time etc). Just pointing out its not always about them being abusive / neglectful.

She had a very serious mental health breakdown when she lost her youngest to cot death and her ExDH ended up having the other DCs full time.

You'd be very suprised at the amount of people who do have SS involvement though. I remember one Mum at DCs old school who was always cooed over by the staff when baby 3 4 and 5 came. I was surprised too when it transpired they'd been taken off her about 6months later. Apparently SS had been involved for years.

SS doesn't take the decision to remove children lightly, so yes, I'd judge.

If I knew nothing else, then yes, I'd judge and probably wouldn't seek out a friendship with her. Obviously life is complex, but if I knew nothing else, I would assume her life was at best chaotic, at worse she was a dangerous person to have in my life.

Sorry, but obviously things like that will effect who wants to get to know you.

Yes, I would judge.

I agree with Savannah - sometimes SS seem to continue digging and promoting ridiculous ideas to prove that their initial accusations were founded. In my friend's case they made suggestions about her mental health, her GP reportes that she was fine, they continued to spout mental health concerns, she got herself on a waiting list for a specialist referral... eventually this also came back as her being fine, apart from of course affected by having had her children removed. But by this point her children had already been living away from her for a couple of months so it becomes increasingly difficult to get them back, because they are 'settled'.

A previous poster put it well when they said that if any of us were to be put under a microscope and picked apart, SS could find a reason to remove children. I would never have held this view til I saw it happen to someone close to me, but I am now very aware of the power that SS have, particularly as most people have no idea what their rights are when SS get involved. My friend had SS actively mislead her on a number of occasions. Don't assume it can't happen just because it hasn't happened in your circle. And yes, I know this is mad when there are certainly children living in neglectful or abusive households who are on the SS radar and yet remain at home.

OP - my friend isn't coping too well, ups and downs. Her complaint finally appears to be being taken seriously but she did write to her local MP and the director of local SS to get things moving along. And she is bright and articulate, I dread to think of the hopelessness of those who do not have the support network or skills to chase things up properly or make complaints.

Shakira it's hard to help someone who doesn't want me be helped.

I thought I didn't judge but by reading other responses I see I do somewhat. I've had my own MH issues and prescription medication problem, I'm quite open about it on here. I judge her (and probably others) for not being able to turn there lives round when I could.

I judge DD1's Dad for the same thing, I'm not just picking on mothers. I understand that's quite unfair of me but it still doesn't stop me thinking that way.

Interesting isn't it? There's currently two very high profile cases in the news in which ss got it very wrong. One whee the child died at the hands of the adult ss deemed fit to be with. The other being the bottle feeding one where they've admitted to lying.

Yet you'll still have people going "well they don't remove a child for no reason".

No. I have a friend whose son was taken away from her, for good reason. She made a bad mistake and regrets it bitterly. She is not a fantastic mum but she has had a shit life and needs all the help she can get. I may have judged people before but this situation has opened my eyes a bit and I would hesitate to judge someone in the same situation now. My friend is a good person.