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AIBU?

To ask whether you would judge someone who did not live with their children due to SS?

163 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 17/02/2017 17:50

Assuming you only knew this and no other information about the situation? Would you automatically judge that they had done something wrong?

Just curious as there have been a few SS related threads recently and it's aroused my curiosity.

OP posts:

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childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 17/02/2017 23:16

Some of the posts on here refer to domestic abuse situations. Whilst the family courts in this country seem to believe that contact under all scenarios is the only way forward, there will be many families investigated by SS and at risk of having their children removed, despite having left the domestic abuse situation. Many parents are damned if they do and damned if they dont.

Onthecouchagain · 17/02/2017 23:16

I wouldn't let them babysit or even mind my dog so, yeah I definitely judge them.

Would anyone let them mind their children?

MrsMeeseeks · 17/02/2017 23:16

Oh, and she has looked after my kids in the past and done a bloody good job of it!

Onthecouchagain · 17/02/2017 23:17

Madness.

LadyHelenOfShitsville · 18/02/2017 01:35

Yes I would and I don't think drug and alcohol addiction are reasonable excuses either. Surely you would move heaven and hell to get off them if you risked losing your DC and there would have been a lot of support to do so prior. That goes for both parents.

notangelinajolie · 18/02/2017 01:42

I would judge them. My next door neighbour has 2 teenage daughters who live with their father and I used to feel really sad for her but then I noticed how many men she had staying the night and realised the only person she is interested in is herself. No wonder her girls never come and stay ... they would cramp her lifestyle too much

VodkaKnockers · 18/02/2017 01:52

I've had my son removed previously. For our safety as well as his.

He has anger issues and has mild aspergers.

He was removed at both our requests because he felt that if he stayed in the family home he would hurt me and his younger brother and didn't want that.

I have been judged.

By family. By other 'professionals" and people i know.

Everyone just assumes that I was a shit mother (despite my other DS still being in my care and there being no concerns 're him).

I am not a shit mother but I recognised that I needed to protect both of my children and to do this my oldest DS had to be removed.

I do not regret my decision and neither does he.

Sometimes a child being removed is for the good of the whole family

ElvishArchdruid · 18/02/2017 02:02

I think unless you know the circumstances, most people are likely to judge. Personally I try not too, but it's not that simple. On another note, there's so many variables why a child would be taken away. Say if they just couldn't cope, I think there's something brave saying you're struggling. So maybe we should be careful not to judge until the facts were clear.

sofato5miles · 18/02/2017 03:32

Yes, i would judge and, no, they would not be a friend nor be asked to babysit. That is what a risk assessment is and make risk assessments every days of our lives.

user1477282676 · 18/02/2017 03:48

I had to alter my judgy nature a couple of years ago when I met a VERY nice woman who was a neighbour. She was a really beautiful soul....very kind, generous, funny...all the good things...she was also sensitive.

I got to know her and SS was involved in her and her little DD"s life because this lovely woman had had a horrific childhood of abuse and neglect and had ended up in care.

She had severe anxiety which she dealt with very well but it all meant that SS were involved and helped her in many ways.

They really did help her. THey were so good they even got to meet me as someone who was in her life...they were, I think, checking up on who she was around as she was quite vulnerable.

I emigrated last year and had to leave her behind. Quite hard.

emmyrose2000 · 18/02/2017 06:05

I know a woman whose parental rights were (thankfully) deservedly terminated. It's extremely hard to get that done where I/we live, so it's not something that was done on a whim by SS. She's a selfish, drug addicted, alcoholic and her kids were/are way better off without her around. The kids were/are living with their grandmother and the 'mother' now has some access to them, but she doesn't have any 'rights' over them. I think she's cleaned up her act in the last couple of years, but it's too little, too late. Her only sibling is a lovely, very devoted family man, so I've no idea what went wrong with the sister.

One of my current neighbours is a right bitch and I hate her and her boyfriend's guts. She has two young primary aged children who don't live with her, but visit every few weeks and some holidays. I assume custody was awarded to their dad at some point, but I don't know the circumstances. (I've heard her mention them being with their dad in her booming foghorn voice). Even before I realised she had children I thought she was a real bitch, so I'm not surprised she's not trusted to look after her kids on a permanent basis. The way she screams at them when they ARE with her might be one reason why....

emmyrose2000 · 18/02/2017 06:18

I have heard of some families who have children with severe special needs who weren't able to get much support and/or respite. The only way to save everyone's sanity in those cases was for the parents to willingly surrender their child to SS. Sometimes it was the only way for the SN child to get the help they needed, which is a shocking indictment on the state of the system if parents need to go to those extremes.

I wouldn't judge the parents in those cases, as the one thing all the parents have stressed is that is the absolute last resort.

Frankly, in some cases, I admire the parents for hanging in there as long as they did. But they had to look at the impact on their family (other kids) overall, and do what was best for everyone, even if it meant the needs of their SN child were best met elsewhere.

But so-called parents who are too selfish to give up their detrimental lifestyle for the sake of their kids, and then ultimately lose custody of them? Damn right I judge them.

Trollspoopglitter · 18/02/2017 08:15

"I totally get why you might think that RE the supervision aspect starlight but sometimes that isn't true and you can't always make assumptions"

You throw this out like it's a fact. Unless you can back that up with statistics, it's just your opinion. Not sure why you're so dismissive and what the point of your OP is, anymore.

SharkiraSharkira · 18/02/2017 08:19

I think it's really difficult isn't it. As has been said there are so many reasons and variables that it is very hard to know whether you should (for example) trust that person with your kids or be friends with them with knowing more information. But so many people who have had SS are worried about being judged that they don't tell people their story.

I think that sort of blanket judgement is unfair couch. Any of us could go through something awful that might effect our parenting. Without knowing the situation, you have no idea why someone might have lost their kids! Doesn't necessarily mean they are child/animal abusers

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SharkiraSharkira · 18/02/2017 08:22

Trolls, you were saying that most people who have had their children removed are not allowed contact unless it's supervised/in a contact centre etc if at all.

Obviously this may be true for many but it isn't true for all, that's all I'm saying.

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NameChanger22 · 18/02/2017 08:25

I wouldn't assume anything.

It could just that they are poor and unable to provide adequate housing. Or they crossed paths with the wrong social worker. Or had bitter family, friends or ex-partner. I'm sure there are some very good parents who are very unfortunate.

MaryTheCanary · 18/02/2017 09:21

Asking "Would you judge?" is not the right question.

Everyone will immediately say "Of course not! Of course I wouldn't judge. I don't judge people."

A better question to ask might be "Would this affect how likely you are to leave your children in this person's care for any length of time?"

Of course it would.

Hypothetical mother is probably not abusive or sadistic (though she could be). More likely to have some very significant personal/mental health issues, and/or a tendency to form and maintain relationships with horrible men. Either way, nope, I wouldn't be asking her to look after my child any time soon.

EmeraldIsle86 · 18/02/2017 09:26

Having your dc forcibly removed by SS is completely different to voluntarily surrendering them for some respite.

For those who have dc forcibly removed, yes I do judge - it's usually for a very good reason and as a last resort IME due to neglect/abuse etc. Yes I do judge.

SharkiraSharkira · 18/02/2017 09:29

It's not really the childcare issue I'm more interested in it's the friendship angle Mary. My feeling is that most people would not be interested in getting to know them and be friends with someone in this situation, which seems to be confirmed by this thread. Which is quite sad because they could be a really wonderful person who just had something awful happen to them and they might miss out on a lifetime of having friends and relationships with other people because of it.

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UnbornMortificado · 18/02/2017 09:42

Vodka I think your circumstances are completely different. You shouldn't of been judged for that by anyone least of all professionals and I'm very sorry you were.

SharkiraSharkira · 18/02/2017 09:57

I am one of those people. Although my situation is slightly different in that in the end I felt it was the best thing for my children to let them go to a family member so they wouldn't have to be put through any trauma of court and eventual removal. This may not have happened but I felt sure it would have eventually so I felt I made the best decision I could at the time. I see them very regularly and have unlimited and completely unsupervised access.

In my case, I was raped and developed depression and ptsd as a result and my mental health completely unravelled. My rapist lived near by and our dcs went to the same school. I used to see him on the school run and he would walk past my house regularly.

It took me months to report him because I was scared he would come back. I got a panic alarm from the police eventually but I had to get rid of it as my severely disabled dc kept setting it off accidentally. I got very little respite or help from SS and was without family or friends for support. It was a very hard time. But I was never abusive, an addict or dangerous.

I struggle to make friends now because I worry that people will judge me unless I spell out my whole life story. It is heartbreaking to think that there are so many people out there who would consider me a danger to their own children or even pets! I've made mistakes but I am a good person, not a monster.

I'm in a much better place now and am mostly recovered but I am not going to 'fight' to get my children back. It is not a tug of war between me and SS and they are not prizes to be fought over and won. They are settled and happy where they are and it would be selfish of me to uproot them. I will also not be having any more children.

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UnbornMortificado · 18/02/2017 10:08

Shakira I'm sorry you went through that

The only reason I haven't had SS involvement due to my MH (I've been hospitalised over it) is because of a very supportive family.

FWIW I think your reasoning about not uprooting your DC shows you are a good mother.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 18/02/2017 10:32

Sharkira I'm sorry you went through that and it just goes to show why people shouldn't judge.

I understand your reasoning about not uprooting your kids. My old friend said the same. They were happy with their Dad, in their schools and in that area. She said she knew he could give them a better life and it would be unfair for them to be uprooted for her. She's much better now and sees them regularly.

I think it's one of the most selfless things a mother can do.

SharkiraSharkira · 18/02/2017 10:41

Thank you.

It was a difficult decision to make because I would obviously love to have them living with me and be a proper family again. I think people have this expectation that in cases where you feel that SS have made mistakes (as I do) that you will fight to the death and go through court hearings and basically do anything to 'get your children back' and that if you don't you're basically a shit mother. But as I said I feel that to do this would not be in my childrens' best interests and it wouldn't be right to destabilise them all over again.

It isn't about me 'winning' and proving SS wrong, although I have absolutely no doubt that now they would find no issue with my parenting, it's about them being happy.

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UnbornMortificado · 18/02/2017 11:03

Shakira I agree with that sentiment completely. It's pretty much the epitome of being a good parent putting your children's needs above your own.

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