To be dissapointed with my parents

[dontbesillyhenry]

And their lack of grandparenting?
Yes I know they've bought up their own kids yadda yadda but they are so uninvolved recently it really smarts. And if you try and discuss this they get defensive so there's no point.
I see all these doting grandparents collecting their grandchildren off the playground and I just feel sad my parents don't want to be involved

kittybiscuits, thats the worst I've heard!

It was awful. My daughter asked me why both sets of grandparents prefer their other grandchildren. Sometimes there are just not more excuses you can make for crap adults.

I agree. I put money in birthday cards for my kids from the only member of my family left, to make them think they have one relative who cares enough to send them a card. But they havent, its me doing it. And I do it for my kids, not for them. I dont know when I'll tell them the truth, it breaks my heart too much for them.

I hear you ssd. I don't pretend. You can't really kid them. It's really you who hurts the most.

I've been there and it sucks. What you feel is valid but you also can't change what other people do. It took me a while to realise I'll never get the help I need so we could only rely on ourselves.
Not in a mean kind of way but I think when they get older I also won't feel obligated to sacrifice my life to look after them. You get what you sow.

I'm another one with a MIL who pretends to the world she is a doting grandparent, but in reality doesn't give a shit. She sends a birthday card if she remembers, but that's it, no present, no call. It's not about material things, as tbh, she could buy them a box of maltesers or something and they'd be delighted, it's the fact that she tells everyone what a tragedy it is that she lives too far away to see them more frequently, but never calls to ask how they are, or to talk to them, or spend time with them when she comes over. We are never invited over, and she lives in a pigsty with an abusive husband, so we'd never stay there, but there are loads of ways she could be included and she just cba.

My mum rings at least once a week to chat to them, sends them letters and cards and knows about all the important things happening in their lives. They're not well off either, but they buy small, meaningful presents that they know the kids will love, because they've bothered to spend time with them and know what they are into. I have no childcare expectations from them, but they come and stay monthly (also live quite far from us) and will always volunteer to babysit when they're here so we can go out. If I need them I know they'd be there.

Both the kids and my parents get tons out of being involved in each others' lives. My kids love them and will always want to spend time with them when they're older. You reap what you sow.

It makes me sad for the kids that they miss out on a relationship with the grandma, and also step grandma and aunties on DH's side because of a family falling out. But my kids are lucky with my family. I have 2 sisters who dote on them and they have lovely cousins. They will be fine.

My in laws love the idea of having grandchildren but forget that they had a live in nanny from the moment their eldest was born until the youngest turned 16 (only two in that whole time, one was there for twenty odd years!) It's sad knowing my parents would've mucked in, given illicit sweets, gone on trips etc if they were still alive. You've a right to feel a bit sad and let down. I don't know what your childhood was like, are you judging them on an unrealistic fantasy? My DH came to realize that his childhood predominantly matched the attitude given to grandchildren so expecting them to behave differently was unreasonable. My Dad always made school plays and things, my Mum was always there for me and I remember my grandparents sitting on tiny chairs at my first ballet recital. If they'd shown no interest in their grandchildren, I'd be sad and disappointed too. It maybe that their lives have changed and that they planned a child free retirement. You can only be disappointed in them if your expectations are realistic though. If you think they are, it might be worth pointing out that you'd love to see them more as it maybe they just care enough to feel they don't want to intrude.

I have three DC and their parental grandparents never even sent their DGS's birthday cards. I have remarried and my IL's are fantastic grandparents. My 2 older DS have grown up now and have remained close to step GP's but could pass natural GP's in street and would not recognise who they were.

SSD my aunt used to do what you did, she sent cards and money to her daughter only she said the cards were from my cousins dad (estranged and had no contact or involvement). She wanted my cousin to feel loved and not forgotten. It worked while she was little but when she got a bit older and realised he couldn't give a crap about her she was totally gutted and as an adult has still not got over the loss and rejection. Had her mum let her process it when she was younger without building up a facade she might have managed the letdown better...who knows. Obviously you can only do what you feel is right but I just wanted to share my family's experience in case it helps.

I know how you feel both set of dca grandparents are keeping us ar armlength while being loving towards my brothers kids. I too get angry at that, and know my kids deserve more than a nan who begrudgingly asks us to come round to hers. I dont demand she babysit them, (never has) . Just feels sad when its your own mother who behaves like that.:(

There is an awful lot of projection going on on this thread.

It is entirely reasonable to wish your parents cared and were interested in your children.

My parents and my inlaws do not provide any childcare at all, and never have done. But they love their grandchildren and are interested in them. They talk to them and are proud of their achievements. They send them cards on their birthdays and come to concerts etc if they can.

I would be devastated if they clearly showed they were not interested and I would feel entirely justified in grieving about the lack of relationship.

This could mean a lifetime of disappointment for some DGC (not you as parents) so why make all these assumptions and bottle up resentment without trying to talk to GPs at all? Perhaps some GPs think they are being considerate by not interfering? The number of posters who say it's not worth the bother to talk about it! Of course it is - for your DCs sake. They are your parents - be an adult, prepare a non-confrontational (if poss) discourse and ask them why they favour their other GC/never visit etc. Don't die wondering ! At least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you were right and how inconsiderate they are, if that's the case.

As I'm writing this my DGD is asleep in the next room. I look after her two days a week when my DD works and whenever I'm needed for additional babysitting. They live an hour's drive away but I can honestly say that my life is so much richer for having my DGD in it and for knowing that my DD and SIL can enjoy some time to themselves. My DS and DIL are expecting a baby soon and I very much hope that I'll be able to do the same for them. Grandchildren are such a precious gift.

I think it's really selfish of them not to be involved. If you have children you have them for your own selfish reasons, they never asked to be born. So therefore I think that you do everything you can to help them for their whole lives; parenting doesn't end when the kids reach 18.

DM said something incredibly hurtful recently, she always stressing about my lazy entitled younger sister not having kids yet. When I said "But you have two beautiful GC, is that not enough?" (my DC) she replied, "No it isn't, I'm greedy." I feel your pain OP. I can't believe how many of us have a similar experience - it's really heartbreaking.

why make all these assumptions and bottle up resentment without trying to talk to GPs at all?

I have tried. Multiple times. I have at this point given up. If the GP in question decides to give a damn one day, then my attitude is very much "that would be nice, but YOU need to make the effort and prove yourself now."

It is sad enough as it is - I don't want to make it worse by having my own DC grow up feeling like family affection is something they have to beg and plead and wheedle for.

Childcare's a different issue - it can be stressful, GP may still be working and yes, people have hobbies and interests and get more tired than they used to. But I simply cannot understand why anyone would not take an interest in their own grandchildren. Mine are such an important part of my life, and I'm still lucky enough to have other interests and to travel, etc, etc. But I make sure I see those little boys as often as I can and help out when I'm needed. It's all down to love really, isn't it?

My DS is an only GC - we adopted him when he was 4 - my Dad adores him and chats to him on phone, sees him every few months and contacts me way in advance of birthday to see what my son would like DS adores Grandpa back and they have a lovely relationship. Only sadness is that my Dad is advanced in years so unlikely to see DS get to 20's etc. My Dad is a great Grandpa and waited a long time to be one .. I'm sad he didn't get to do it earlier and that my DM died without knowing my son - she would have adored him too.

I think it's really sad when I read about grandparents not being actively involved or interested, I have three grandchildren and am so lucky that my daughter and son in law want me involved, I feel so grateful to have such a special relationship with the grandkids, it's magical and I don't understand this attitude of 'I've done my time', it's just selfish and self serving surely, I could never imagine not being a big part of my grandkids' lives and how anyone could not want to be is an attitude I just don't understand, like there's a missing gene or something

why make all these assumptions and bottle up resentment without trying to talk to GPs at all? In the OP's case I agree with this as the relationship has changed from quite close with first GC to really distant by third GC, which makes me think more is going on than simply GP who were never interested.

Your not alone OP.

My dad talks the talk but realistically he doesn't really have anything to do with my kids.
We don't really have any other family either.

Very rarely sees us. Last week he promised to pop round and see us.
Last time we had seen him was New Year's Day. We waited in. No sign & no phone call etc.
I contacted him, he'd forgot & said 'oh you didn't think I ment it, coming round, did you?'.
I was really gutted he'd not even thought about us.

It's not about the childcare, it's about the thought.

My dil is lazy and my son does everything for my DGS. We have given lots of support including financial but now we wont do it anymore. All my dil wants to do is post on Facebook and play games on her phone, she doesn't realise that DGS is not an accessory but a person. It is very difficult for grandparents and sometimes the only option is to leave them alone to get on with it. Appreciate any advice you can give me.

Note3, thanks. You've made me think. I think I'll drop it this year. Mine are teens. I'll just say "x" forgot. And let it go. Kitty is right, its hurting me more than anyone, so time to let it go.

One lovely thing to come out of this thread is hearing from grandparents who are involved and who love and cherish their grandchildren offering time , love and taking a genuine interest in making them feel cared for along side their parents. Sad that some of us arent ever going to experience this but reassuring that we arent feeling dissapointed about nothing. Caring grandparents.. I salute you!!! X

I have a 2 year old granddaughter and absolutely love her to bits and my hubby, who never really got emotional about our own two boys, is completely besotted with her!! I just can't understand any grandparent not wanting lots of contact with their grandchildren, it makes no sense to me at all. Being a hands-on grandparent is a win win situation; the grandchildren gain unconditional love as strong as the love they get from their own mum and dad, you get pleasure from seeing that you are helping your own children (because you can remember just how relentless childcare can be) and best of all, the love that you get from your grandchildren is just THE best feeling in the world. I truly feel sorry for grandparents that don't get involved, they are missing so much.

Good post inanutshelle