To be dissapointed with my parents

[dontbesillyhenry]

And their lack of grandparenting?
Yes I know they've bought up their own kids yadda yadda but they are so uninvolved recently it really smarts. And if you try and discuss this they get defensive so there's no point.
I see all these doting grandparents collecting their grandchildren off the playground and I just feel sad my parents don't want to be involved

Not sure it's been raised here, but 12 years is a great span and things change. My two are just 5 1/2 years apart, but in the interval between them my parents went from their mid-60s to their early 70s and my father's health declined to the point where Mum had to devote more time to him as he needed help with balance and walking. As a result she had less time and energy to devote to DS2 as a baby and toddler, when he needed careful watching. Once he was older and more 'self-sufficient', she was able to have him around more. I know your dad works, but have you thought that perhaps your mum just has less energy or patience? Apologies if you've already addressed this!

Bottom line is though, that Gparents don't 'owe' their children/gchildren anything. If they are involved, that's wonderful and in our society it's the 'normal course'. If they are not, it's their loss. DH and I didn't 'depend' on our parents for anything, but it was nice that they were very involved and loving grandparents to the best of their ability.

A lot of these seem to be about GPs on the fathers side of the family? I know my parents wanted to be very involved GPs to my brothers children. But they were in the early years constantly snubbed in favour of the mums side. It really hurt my mum, but now she just accepts that my SIL does not want their involvement. For all I know, my SIL could be on here complaining they are not interested.

I'm going to put this here, obviously I don't know you or your children, usual disclaimers etc... BUT

Is it possible that where GPs are treating their DGC differently it's because of a problem with the child?

I'm thinking of my FIL I guess - he looks after 2 of his GC once a week quite happily, but will not have the 3rd one simply because he can't cope with his behaviour. His argument is that GC3's behaviour should not have any impact on his relationship with the others as it's not their fault iyswim.

Maybe the laying the blame with the GPs isn't quite so black and white?

Obviously all MNers' children are perfect angels...

The thing is, even if grandparents aren't 'kid' people (and that's fair enough in the general way), you expect your own parents to be interested in your children (their grandchildren) because they are part of you- and you expect your parents to be interested in you! If your DPs are uninterested in their DGC (and I mean uninterested, not not doing childcare) then it feels like they are rejecting/not interested in you, their child.

My ILs care about my DC and are interested to a point, but we are the ones who facilitate the relationship by doing the travelling (4+ hours)- they are in good health and could afford it, and we have a spare room for them (whereas we turn the household upside down there because there's very little space). I know DH feels hurt that they can't make the effort to come and see him and our children. He wants them to care about/love him enough to make that effort.

We have this with one grandparent in particular. Has occasionally asked to see a photo of DC - beyond that, does not care. Doesn't really know anything about DC or show any sign of wanting to. Was hugely involved and loving as a parent, so the utter lack of interest as a grandparent is sad and baffling to me.

I never had a close relationship with my GP's, don't regret it at all, I didn't have anything in common with them interests wise and i didn't like visiting them, no real reason why i didn't like it, they were perfectly pleasant people. I don't feel i missed out in the slightest not having a close relationship to my GP's.

My parents only see their GC's (brothers DC's) once a month or so. Both of my parents still work full time and have very committed hobbies which makes it difficult to take time away from. That, & the fact my DM has made it clear from day 1 that she will not baby sit or anything like that, she has done her time with children.

People perceive things differently, it may well be that all of these so-called non interested GP's feel that they are very involved!

Times change and so do circumstances. The role of GP's has also changed I think, they are generally now more expected to give free childcare and be an extension of their own parents.

My DM became a GP early on and was very involved, although she was working FT. She has 10 DGC now, is retired and is very busy doing the things that she couldn't when she was working. By her own admission she now lacks patience with young children. She actively avoids spending time with one set of GC as they are "spirited" and the parents won't do anything about it. She finds spending time with them very difficult.

My dc were one of the first dgc so they got a lot of time and attention. I have to remind DM to be involved with my youngest sib's dc, they live an internal flight away but my dm feels that is so much hassle so never actually visits them, which must hurt them.

it may well be that all of these so-called non interested GP's feel that they are very involved!*

I'd be bloody surprised if that was true in my situation. The grandparent involved is a total stranger to the GC, and that is not an exaggeration.

My mil has 2 gc. My bil child is looked after 2 full days a week but my dc is barely acknowledged.....except for when she whirls in at christmas/birthdays with a load of stuff he doesnt need to chuck money at him to buy his affection play the doting granny.

I don't agree that face time doesn't connect grandparents and grandchildren.

But it probably depends on the relationship that exists in the first place .

My DC's are 17 and 20 and next year I am moving 250 miles away from them. I am starting a new life in my late fifties, after years of putting them first and my own needs second.
I don't plan to be sitting at home looking after grandchildren, but travelling, going to concerts and having a great time.

You can't be interested in something that's not interesting.

Other people's children are inherently boring. And I'm afraid DGC do fall into this category.

Crisp..enjoy. remember those decisions when you are elderly and frail. Your gc will.

Eccles....how does it feel to be dead inside?

My DC's are 17 and 20 and next year I am moving 250 miles away from them. I am starting a new life in my late fifties, after years of putting them first and my own needs second.
I don't plan to be sitting at home looking after grandchildren, but travelling, going to concerts and having a great time.

Just along as you don't expect the to be ever there for you.

What a nasty attitude moving to get away from your teenage and young adult DC.

I don't think it's particularly bad to move when your child is 18 and presumably at uni or has a job, as long as you leave a forwarding address...

Of course not referring to Grandparents who cant for very good reasons such as still working full time but there are many who could help and be invoved but just dont want to be.

dontbe sillyhenry I completely understand your post my parents are not interested in any practical way with my two DC and unfortunately as an only child I have no brothers or sisters to share nieces and nephews with either! For years I have watched other people's GP collect their GC from school day in day out. I have lost count of how many grand parents
I see at days out or events where I am with my kids. DH works away a lot and is the main breadwinner and it is very very lonely.

Sometimes I feel VERY resentful however I have to remind myself that they are my kids and I chose to have them. They are getting more independent now and it is getting easier however I will have a long memory for this when both my parents age and if they call on me for help. At some point
I will get my freedom back and time for me, but I will not treat my kids the same way if they have children. Like you I am DISAPPOINTED as I never thought my parents would be like this

Fil was a very traditional, hands off father and the same as a grandfather.
It simply wouldn't occur to him to 'help out' but he visits (11/2 hours drive away) every other weekend and dotes on us all.

DM pretends to her friends to be a caring grandmother but barely sees the DC and couldn't really give a monkeys. She lives 5 mins away and visits whenever she wants something!

Although on paper she probably sees more of the DC, the difference in their reaction to each GP is very telling. I doubt any of them will want much to do with her when she's older and I shan't force them.

Eccles....how does it feel to be dead inside?

It feels great. You should try giving less of a shit - it's very liberating.

Most people just can't face the fact that their DC are supremely boring to everyone but them.

I think they deserve to live their life the way they want rather than still having to be at the beck and call of their adult children. If you want childcare, pay for it.

Grandparents can't win, they are often banned from visiting for days after the birth, dictated too as to what they can buy, what they feed yet expected to be on demand for childcare when it suits. It it was truly just about a relationship there would be no need for moaning they don't do school runs, have overnight etc.

I imagine some like doing the mundane stuff but lots have no choice or the adult children will winge or cut access.

Wow Eccles I hope you never have to depend on your family for anything, how very sad that you can relinquish yourself of the responsibility of children... hope it goes well for you

And again this is not about childcare.. never needed help with that once, its about a missing bond between a child and the next closest thing to their parents. about someone else taking an interest in a child and showing they care about them

Eccles....when you are old and grey and dribbling into your lap whilst soiling yourself im sure your dc and dgc will leave you to it. Enjoy your future 😉

I feel your pain. My parents frequently travel an awkward journey (it involves water) to medical appointments at a hospital 10 minutes drive from me. They have their car. They never come and see us even if they say they're 'making a day of it' and going out for lunch too when they go to hospital. Last year they proudly told me they were using my son's birthday party as an excuse for not going to social thing they were invited to: they didn't even know when his birthday party was, let alone want to/expect to come to it (fwiw at the time I also had a newborn baby). There are lots of these things. My mum posts random grandmother shite on fb but really doesn't have a clue. I have to stop caring because otherwise it hurts too muc.

When two of mine were small, we had a lot to do with them because we lived close to one another. Then we moved and weren't so close, although I collected them from pre school and school once a week, when working part time.

Now I have the time, we live two hours away, so the daily stuff isn't practical. We do have them for a weekend or longer, but they're older now, so more interested in their own activities.

There is no doubt in an emergency, we'd be there asap. There is a balance to be struck between offering help and getting in the way I think.