To be dissapointed with my parents

[dontbesillyhenry]

And their lack of grandparenting?
Yes I know they've bought up their own kids yadda yadda but they are so uninvolved recently it really smarts. And if you try and discuss this they get defensive so there's no point.
I see all these doting grandparents collecting their grandchildren off the playground and I just feel sad my parents don't want to be involved

My parents have been retired a while now (took early retirement as well) are fairly well off but just cant be arsed with coming to see us. They make the right noises, they say repeatedly they are coming for xyz, then always a reason pops up, usually a mythical hospital appointment.

The last time we went to see them, and cost a fricking fortune as we stayed in a hotel, they spared about half an hour talking to us, mostly about their friends then buggered off to lie down and watch the tv. DS1 is an adult now and he was really fucked off with their attitude..I think thye have burned their bridges with him.

My Mum talked extensively about her neighbours, daughters, dogs arsehole but couldn't spare a minute to listen to DS1...And the old....'they have done their parenting.'.... doesn't count for my Folks as they had the benefit of my and my DB living with my GP's all the way through Primary school.

I think what pisses me off the most is knowing it may be years before I will be a GP and I ma so looking forward to it...My DP's seem to be just throwing the opportunity away

henry i totally hear you, but you need to find a way to ditch the resentment, it'll only make you feel worse and not likely to resolve anything. You can't make people interested when they aren't. Both DH and I are from large families and both sets of GPs are just done with GC at this point, especially the small, pesky kind. Spend time and energy trying to build positive relationships with friends that reciprocate if you can.

OP - you are soooo not alone! In darker times I used to go and kick the side of the bath (!) out of sheer frustration at the grandparents' lack of interest in my baby son. Meanwhile, my sister-in-law only had to sneeze and they'd be there with tea and a casserole for her and her (much older and more independent) children. Now my son is older too I can afford to be a tad more serene in the face of such indifference (and our bath is now safe from getting a good kicking!). Sending a virtual hug to all who feel a bit deserted...

Oh and I wish some posters would stop with the snidey....Why should they provide childcare, they have done their parenting etc.

Its not about that....As a lot of posters have said its about engageing with the DC's...showing an interest etc. A lot of us dont want or need free childcare, we just want the GP's to be interested.

Though as someone upthread said...I wonder how many of these uninterested GP's were uninterested parents...mine certainly were

"Damned if they do- damned if they don't.."

That's often the case, isn't it?

Hard to tell here what's going on imo.

If the kids are at school, maybe your mum doesn't want to butt in on your evenings/weekends?

How often do you get knocked back when you suggest seeing them?

"Its not about that....As a lot of posters have said its about engageing with the DC's...showing an interest etc. A lot of us dont want or need free childcare, we just want the GP's to be interested"

The trouble is, many people want engagement and showing an interest solely on their terms. If I was a grandparent, Mumsnet would bloody terrify me.

I am a grandparent but also still a mum to two children under the age of 13. I also work and have never had any help. I was looking forward to my 2 youngers ones getting older so me and dh could start to live a bit. I love my grandaughter but wont be babysitting or providing childcare as that has been my whole adult life so far and I need my time now. That is not selfish at all in my opinion.

My parents arent overly interested in my kids. Its how some people are. Get over it and move on. They wont change!

it's like everything though, some GP are being selfish, some are just worn out, there's no universal truth here or correct answer for every grandparent.

OP I understand how you feel. It is upsetting. My parents retired very early (late 40's). They had both my siblings children a huge amount including sleep overs and really supported them. I am the youngest of 3. I think that once my children came along they were just bored of grandchildren. My youngest is 7 and they have no relationship with him at all. He thinks they don't like him. It is so sad.

It's all well and good saying it's their prerogative to be selfish and not help however we all hit a point in life where we can no longer exist without a bit of help off others. If I allowed my parents to sit lonely in their nursing homes because I'm living my life and that's my prerogative wouldn't that also make me a bit of a cunt?

My Mum made it clear she wasn't going to help etc when my DC were young . If I invited her to visit she usually declined unless I assured her that she and my Dad wouldn't be expected to look after DC. When my DC grew up she wondered why they didn't bother to visit often!
I was determined to be different so I have my DGS to stay one or two nights a week , take him on holiday etc and cherish the time I have with him. To grandparents who don't WANT to get involved.( as opposed to those unable), I say you don't know what you are missing.

See old I wouldn't even ask for that much. Maybe twice a year. Once even!

In theory they will reap what they sow.

Little effort now means less bonding which means you're all less likely to have good levels of contact in old age

Some people just don't like children though. Kids are can be really boring, even gross and frustrating- particularly other peoples!

It makes me cringe when people get all high pitched and start cooing and baby talking for hours when there's children around.

Having said that, showing some interest at the very least is polite.

She loves her grandchildren but does not provide any daycare for them and has no desire to take them out for days or spend prolonged periods of time with children that aren't her own

The thing is, families have shrunk. So, if your grandparents don't take you out for an ice-cream or spend a couple of hours pottering round the zoo (with parents along too), there isn't necessarily an extended family of aunts, cousins, uncles and so on to connect with.

All the research shows that the more connections people have, and feeling like their lives matter, makes them healthier and happier. Kind of obvious really. Also, having other not-parents but adults around while children are in the teenage years is also a really good when they don't want to listen to the parents.

My mum will be living with me in old age, she's been an exemplary mum to me, and that will be the least I can do, unless she has care needs like dementia. My dad shows sporadic interest in me, and at times very little in my children, and I think a home would be better.

People who can't be bothered to help their adult children as 'they don't like children' are pathetic. I don't like helping my incontinent relative as a fun event, but it's about helping those who are your family. If your version of families is a cheery wave across a room once or twice a year, then obviously things like childbirth, the mess of small children, ageing, elderly parents who are hard of hearing, get dementia and so forth is going to be beyond you. Do it for your own children, who need to know they are still valued and their offspring are valued if you can't do it for the fun of it!

OP, what was your relationship with your parents like after you left the family home but before you had children?

Did you see them often? Go to them? They came to yours? Show much interest in each other's lives etc?

I think that might have some bearing on the situation as it is now.

I am very fond of my grandchildren. BUT. My youngest child only left home last May, I have to work all the hours god sends just to keep a roof over my head and food on my table. I enjoy being invited over to spend time with the grandsons, but I've only got so many free hours a week and I am, quite frankly, mostly knackered.

I didn't ask to have grandchildren and I've always made it clear that I will attend birthdays/events as invited (if I have time off work) and will visit when invited. But I am not a free childcare service. I also didn't have children in order to be cared for in my old age - if I need care then I'm afraid that will fall on the State (and for which I contribute in advance through tax).

I could've written the op myself! My mum is very hands on but my dad rarely visits. (Mum and dad are divorced)
My pil have been to my house twice for roughly 5 minutes. My dc is 16 months old. I have to take him to theirs every week. Last week we didn't visit and when we went this week they commented three times that they hadn't seen him.
I should've told them they know where we live but it's not worth the aggro.
They are both fit and able and fil drives. I live 2 miles away. It's really not that hard.

I have 2 GC and love them dearly but I work full time so I can only offer time with them on the weekend. I do have the oldest overnight approximately once a month but I also have 2 other adult children, If/when they have children would I be expected to do this every week? We also have plans to travel when I eventually retire at 67 (6 years time) - so I can't commit to regular childcare

Zaphod if they know you are fond of them I think that's what counts the most, a lot of grandparents can't or wouldn't want to offer childcare, I think that's more than reasonable.

Nobody here is asking for childcare.

I don't know why people keep banging on about not providing childcare.

Most posters are complaining that GP don't show any interest in their GC.That's totally different.

Some of us had pretty shit parents, but we still have this touching faith that when we have children they will step up and become reasonable GP . We are almost always disappointed.

I know it's illogical to think that by procreating will give our parents a personality transplant, but there you are. Human nature. We always want to think the best of our parents , even in the face of reality . Triumph of hope over experience and all that.

So yes, it's ok to be angry and disappointed . But all you can do it accept it and vow to be different yourselves.

My Dad is the same, he lives in the North West and we live in the South and he rarely see his Grandchildren. He has a very difficult partner and to cut a long story short he is in an abusive relationship which really does't help. He maybe sees my kids twice a year and it always has to be on his terms. My DH's Mum adored the kids and whilst she could only do a limited amount on a practical level, she was brilliant at playing with them. My Dad couldnt cope with the noise etc. If my kids have children I will be involved and help out, whilst I am not very good with kids people say that it is is totally different when you are Grandparents and I know what it is like not to have had much support.