To be dissapointed with my parents

[dontbesillyhenry]

And their lack of grandparenting?
Yes I know they've bought up their own kids yadda yadda but they are so uninvolved recently it really smarts. And if you try and discuss this they get defensive so there's no point.
I see all these doting grandparents collecting their grandchildren off the playground and I just feel sad my parents don't want to be involved

Really poor that nobody who disagrees can come up with a genuine reason other than complete selfishness to not be involved with their grandchildren... and once again im not refering to free childcare or financial assistance but actually taking an interest and building a solid relationship with their GC.... unbeleivable

"Really poor that nobody who disagrees can come up with a genuine reason other than complete selfishness to not be involved with their grandchildren... "

Well, spending some time on Mumsnet might make them think they would be better off sparing themselves the heartache of being "NCed" for putting a foot wrong..............

Areasonablegal

Crisp..enjoy. remember those decisions when you are elderly and frail. Your gc will.

Eccles....how does it feel to be dead inside?

Oh my goodness, how unpleasant. I think people with children and grandchildren who are constantly demanding and never letting them rest, or have any proper free time, are burning up with envy! That's you, Areasonablegal et al.

YANBU

So glad you posted this OP. I have been thinking the same thing about my Dad this week :(

Mum and Dad divorced a long time (both with other people now). My Mum has regular contact with my 3 small children and they love seeing her. My Dad has seen DC2 once when he was a newborn (he is now over 3 years old), my Dad hasn't seen DC3 at all (he is nearly 10 months old).

Yes my Dad works full time but he is certainly not old or aiming but both DH and I work full time and have 3 small children. Shouldn't my Dad be the one travelling (at least once) to see them ?

I have suggested a few times he and his Wife come over for dinner (as clearly he is not bothering to come over to see me/the children) but so far he has just said it's difficult to arrange.

I was thinking this week that as he is my Dad and I love him shouldn't I keep trying/should I go over to him (last went when DC2 was newborn) but why do we draw the line when things don't seem to be being reciprocated, would we go to these peoples funerals if months turn into years/decades and we still haven't seen then? :(

Don't really know the answer, but glad I don't seem to be the only one (as this week I thought it was just me)

We've never had doting grandparents and spent years wishing they showed more interest but they didn't. We had colleagues and neighbours who became (and remain) surrogate grandparents but now the children are 'successful' the grandparents want to be more involved. The children are polite but not rushing as they have never known that relationship. We've never had financial support, never had childcare and the children had rubbish presents. Not just rubbish but really thoughtless and mean. A cheap tapas cookery book for a 15 year old boy. A bottle of nail polish for a 21st. They've been really lucky though with neighbours and older work colleagues who have been supportive and generous.

PigletWasPoohsFriend

My DC's are 17 and 20 and next year I am moving 250 miles away from them. I am starting a new life in my late fifties, after years of putting them first and my own needs second.
I don't plan to be sitting at home looking after grandchildren, but travelling, going to concerts and having a great time.

Just along as you don't expect the to be ever there for you.

What a nasty attitude moving to get away from your teenage and young adult DC.

Whaaaat? You are the one with the nasty attitude.
•rolls eyes•

My parents are the same yet do lots for my brother because he kicks off if not. My children are now 18 and 11 and I don't see my parents at all . Too be honest life's better without them as I don't feel resentment anymore also when they are old and need help my brother can do it !

You could discuss it with you parents and they could say, we parented you and your siblings for 30 years, this is our time to enjoy our lives

Well unless there's a large gap between your oldest and youngest children ( your choice ) then you are not caring for dependent children for 30 years .

And I don't see " enjoying life " and getting to know my GC as mutually exclusive.

The sad thing is that it doesn't take a lot to be a kind GP.

Five minutes chat on FaceTime /Skype to see their painting and hear about the goal they scored in football.

Visit for Sunday lunch and bring a packet of smarties / gift from the pound shop.

Take them for a walk in the park and throw twigs in the pond or identify leaves. Bake a cake.

There are GP up and down the country who would love to do these things but can't because of distance or disability. And yet there are GP in their 50s and 60s who won't even send a birthday gift on principle because " it's their time " .

Or those sulking because they weren't allowed to visit poorly DIL in hospital or because DS wouldn't allow them to give chocolate to a 3 month old. So they don't see their GC for 15 years to punish their parents for not letting them have their own way .

Very sad.

Reasonably - contribute away. I enjoyed your post.
It is obvious you don't have children (seeing as you mentioned it). You sound true to your name and not a nasty ....?? Can't find the word.

This site is full of all sorts - the tapestry of life.

Your own parents woeful parenting tends to come into sharp focus once you are a parent yourself. The resentment is understandable but you cannot change them.

Relationships with GPs are more about passing on age earned wisdom, life experience, family history etc IMO and children having trusted family members to love them and advise them as well as their parents, than free childcare. It's the cycle of life, leaving memories behind to be remembered fondly for future generations, after all that's all we leave behind at the end of the day. It helps to remember that any old arsehole can be a parent and they then become grandparents, and resolve to do things differently with your own children/grandchildren as I certainly am and will be doing.

And I don't see " enjoying life " and getting to know my GC as mutually exclusive.

Agree, Kr1stina. I don't have GC (yet) but when (if) I do I don't intend to plan my life around them, but will fit them into my life with love and generosity. We love to travel and do things and don't intend to stop. I don't intend to provide full time childcare but would do so for a set time if there was no other way for my DS1 and DiL to return to work.

Laughing at the idea that I am not permitted to have a life away from my university aged children 😏
Some of you sound like my EA ex, who thinks mothers should sacrifice happiness for a lifetime of martyrdom.
I do not expect my children to look after me in my dotage. I have enough money to do that. And plan to go to Switzerland when it all becomes really shit.

foureyes I must remember that forwarding address

Maybe some just get fed up with having to make the effort as their children have all sorts of excuses as to the things they can't do now they have children like visit, travel etc. It works both ways.

There may be selfish grandparents but equally there are many selfish parents. I know lots feel grandparents are an extension of parenting so should be saving for grandchildren, buying their every need and doing the childcare as parents need a break.

I'd imagine the relationship relies on mutual effort and not taking the p so there's no financial or childcare aspect to it and both sides make the effort regarding contact.

Don't assume that the "doting" GP's at the school gate everyday are doing it out of love, there are some who feel obligated, taken advantage of, resent it etc.

A friend of my DM's has had her dgc since they were 4 months old while her ds and dil worked. She traveled 20 miles everyday to get to their house before they left for work and didn't get home until 7.30pm every day. It was supposed to be a gp share (other gp doing half the week) but that fell through after the first week. The children are at school now so it is a bit easier as mornings are free, but then her dil announced that they were thinking about ttc dc3 and she made it clear she wasn't fit to look after another newborn and suddenly she was the worst in the world Her ds and dil have lived life without ever having to factor in childcare and could not afford to do it now. She can only go on holiday in school term time with lots of advance notice as getting short term childcare is really difficult. People at the school gates are no doubt envious of this situation but as much as she loves her dgc she resents the situation.

Quark, have seen that too. Grandparents looking shattered on the school yard, only there because they've been put upon. I really feel for them as they should be enjoying themselves not being used as it suits. You can see the look in their eyes every time news of another baby comes along just as they are hoping to get some of their life back. There are some selfish adults.

My parents are very similar. Obviously they make out that they are very involved to the wider family - "oh are you dropping ds off at your mum's for a sleepover" me: " wtf is a sleepover?" I doubt they even want us to pop in once a month.

To those grandparents saying why should we be involved/help out/'provide childcare'.... if you don't want to be involved don't bother. It's your loss but understand that it is very hurtful to your children and grandchildren.

In my case it really angers me as my own mother went back to work whilst her 'childcare' was entirely provided by either me (as a teenager) or my grandparents. This was just expected and I was never asked. And now I have recently heard from them "oh well I suppose you won't look after us when we are older then as you will be too busy looking after your grandchildren". Well...

Within my family the previous generation both expected and received a lot more support than my generation has.

A grandparent here. Just strikes me what a range of people there are out there. 3 of our adult DC have children and with 2 of them we have felt rather unwanted. Our DS has an overseas partner whose DM has basically moved in as they do in their society so we have to book a slot and another DC who doesn't live so near is in a difficult relationship with a DO who makes us feel
unwelcome. Another we are hugely involved with and we adore them all. I find it hard to understand some grandparents but just wanted to point out there the other side.

We are obviously very lucky. Neither sets of grandparents do routine childcare ( too far away and we wouldn't have asked even if they were closer) but they love spending time with the grandchildren and will help out in an emergency if they can. Have slight favouritism with one set but possibly due to our relationship not being the same as with other child.

Favouritism is towards other grandchild not ours

My parents are big on 'performance grandparenting' so to friends and relatives they're really involved, photos taken,etc. But my mum can't stand me, prefers my brother since childhood. DB has however gone off the rails and also decided never to have kids which has made them turn back to DH & I. I'm not obstructive, but I don't want my kids spending lots of time with people who are critically disappointed in me.

My kids don't see any grandparents now after years of crapness. Ex FIL said to my daughter that he is x and y's grandad (ex SIL's kids) and her uncle. He didn't even look embarrassed when his mistake was corrected.

My BiL and SiL probably say the same about my iLs, but are oblivious to the fact that:

a) my iLs have health problems
b) they work full time
c) my B/SiL expect my iLs to be the ones doing the chasing. To my knowledge, their children have never visited their grandparents' house.
d) my B/SiL are completely ungrateful for any help they do receive when my iLs have time to babysit/move them into their house/take them shopping and pay for nappies etc.

My SiL would properly kick off if she was like us and had never even got a wedding present off them