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Original poster

To be dissapointed with my parents

176 replies

dontbesillyhenry · 17/02/2017 09:56

And their lack of grandparenting?
Yes I know they've bought up their own kids yadda yadda but they are so uninvolved recently it really smarts. And if you try and discuss this they get defensive so there's no point.
I see all these doting grandparents collecting their grandchildren off the playground and I just feel sad my parents don't want to be involved

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 17/02/2017 11:01

My parents don't know DS exists, so we'll leave them out of it, but my in-laws are brilliant with him. The do provide one day's free childcare a week, which is excellent, but between that they also love it if we pop in and regularly offer to have him for an hour or so at the weekend so we can get stuff done (we rarely take them up on this but just an example of how keen they are to spend time with him). MIL has just been away so missed 'her' day with DS this week and is desperate to see him. I can't really imagine how a grandparent, particularly if they live locally like ours do, can not want to be involved with their grandchild.

On here it seems to be one extreme or the other - you hear about all these overbearing/interfering MILs on the one hand, and those who barely even see their grandchildren on the other.

gamerwidow · 17/02/2017 11:02

My dm and PIL dote on Dd but they don't do childcare (why should they)
How old are your DP are they still healthy? My DM helped a lot more with my DNs but they are a lot older than DD and she was more active and independent then. She loves DD as much as DNs but she's just not as fit and able as she used to be.

80sMum · 17/02/2017 11:02

ssd "you're parents are selfish op. nothing more to it. they are getting older and stuck in their ways and its all about them"

^^Surely they're entitled to think of themselves now, having presumably devoted a large part of their lives to bringing up their own children?

CaraAspen · 17/02/2017 11:04

If grandparents are "selfish" that is entirely their prerogative, particularly if by selfish you mean not being on call for picking up YOUR children etc! Good grief.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/02/2017 11:04

you're parents are selfish op. nothing more to it. they are getting older and stuck in their ways and its all about them"

Yet that can be countered with the OP making it all about her and her family.

CaraAspen · 17/02/2017 11:05

One day's free childcare a week etc...hmmm. I can see why you would want them around.

GabsAlot · 17/02/2017 11:06

it is sad but what u can do-u cant force people to want to be involved in their gc lives

it is wrong if gp's favour one sent over another though

mistermagpie · 17/02/2017 11:09

CaraAspen - is that directed at me? I don't see anything wrong with them providing a day's free childcare a wekk if, and only if, they want to.... my PIL's love that they get a day a week with DS without me hovering about and obviously it's really helpful for us as he's in nursery the other 4 days a week. It works both ways in some families.

fairweathercyclist · 17/02/2017 11:10

You can choose whether, and how many, children to have.

You can't choose whether, or how many grandchildren to have. If people aren't interested, that's up to them. I agree that it's wrong for grandparents to favour one set of grandchildren over others though - that is unfair.

I also think it's fine for GPs to be selfish - if they are in their late 50s/60s they may be coming towards the end of the period in their lives when they are still fit and healthy. It's more than ok for them to make the most of that time.

honeylulu · 17/02/2017 11:15

Sympathies, mine are the same. The thing is, there is no entitlement to involved grandparents. It does feel unfair when you see the level of involvement/affection/help other families benefit from but it's just tough. Life's not fair.
Like a PP my parents dote on my sister's children, have them to stay every school holiday etc. Mine feel surplus to requirements. It's horrible.

ObvsNC · 17/02/2017 11:16

I am not a natural mother. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I adore my child, but I'm not very good at parenting. I don't enjoy being with small children, I have no patience, I can't understand them and they irritate me.

I did not know I would feel like this until I had my own child.

I would imagine I will be the sort of grandparent you are talking about. I'm not selfish, I just can't deal with children.

Socksey · 17/02/2017 11:21

I think the issue here is not free childcare but rather GPs who behave as if the GC don't exist... my parents haven't seen my DS in over a year and only then because I brought him to see them.
I don't want free childcare (too many strings etc)... but it would be nice when talking to them to have them ask how he is and what he's doing etc... show a little interest... remember his birthday (not even buy a present) especially as there is hell to pay if you forget my DM's birthday or the list of other special dates you need to call her on.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 17/02/2017 11:25

How does having a career and your own life and being busy stop you caring about other family members? You don't have to look after them as in babysitting or childcare, you could just care about them by phoning, emailing, Skype, showing interest, remembering what they are up to, letting them know they are part of a loving and interested family.

My MIL/FIL can't do any childcare, they aren't physically capable, but they are a good presence in the children's lives and basically make them feel they matter.

That's a very basic requirement in a family relationship, and I suspect those that make their grandchildren feel they are uninteresting/don't matter/don't figure on their radar probably weren't good at that with the children.

When your children are little, you think 'I'll do anything for that child' and surely that extends to keeping their mental health good and their burden in life less- simply by being there and showing them they (and their children by extension) matter.

WhyPost · 17/02/2017 11:26

My kids are adults be t don't have kids yet but I can imagine that I won't be wanting to be overly involved in their children. I loved having my kids but I'm not sure I'd want to be doing any of the hard graft again. I imagine id want to help out if needed but other than that I imagine I'd be a passive Grandparent. If one of my kids was struggling or had health issues or something like that then obviously I would be there for them 100%.

I think that's ok

MagicMoments22 · 17/02/2017 11:27

Are you after unpaid childcare or simply time spent with them. If you want them to collect the kids from school - its the former.

WhyPost · 17/02/2017 11:32

BTW My Mum absolutely sites on my four DC. She thinks they are wonderful in every way possible and would happily spend hours with them when they were little bit she didn't want to babysit for them unless necessary - I didn't have a problem with that at all.

WhyPost · 17/02/2017 11:32

Dotes not sites

brasty · 17/02/2017 11:32

Just wondering if everyone here shows an interest in their parents? I ask because one of siblings gets my parents to do childcare, but shows absolutely no interest at all in our parents. They see their only role as being GPs, and their only purpose to spend time with the GC.

buckeejit · 17/02/2017 11:33

I think it's awful that GP don't want to be involved. I'm lucky that my dp do childcare for a couple of hours most days, I wouldn't hold it against them if they didn't want to do any childcare but think it's so sad if they aren't interested in gc at all. It's part of a responsibility of being a parent Imo to at least take an interest in your child's life-when they have children, thats what their life becomes about.

My in laws are in a another country & they wouldn't be keen on a lot of childcare but do like to see us all, (glad to see us leave also which is understandable!).

I wouldn't fall over myself to make them interested if they're clearly not. Invest the time in nurturing friendships with people who want to spend time with you-that will be more rewarding

BertrandRussell · 17/02/2017 11:34

Damned if they do- damned if they don't............

semanwen · 17/02/2017 11:39

Skype

We have a family member that does this or rather face times. We all hate it. My DH dreads the face time tinkle and my children now older teens refuse to engage. It isn't meaningful in any way. It doesn't connect you to grandparents at all- sorry

mom17 · 17/02/2017 11:46

Just one qs to all moms who have posted here : How many of you are going to take care of them when they are too old to take care of themselves?? May be that's the reason they are not pitching for help as they might be thinking they are just being used and they don't have any faith on us if we would do so when they need us. Don't we see so many old parents just being dumped and few of us don't take care ?

alreadytaken · 17/02/2017 12:00

when I read a thread like this I wonder what your relationship with your parents was like before this. Did you visit/ invite them around/ go on holiday with them? Or were you always "too busy" living your own life until you wanted free childcare?

Tracey300884 · 17/02/2017 12:10

Toolong - That's disgraceful!! I would be ashamed... My mum is as close to my daughter as anyone could imagine a Grandparent could be with their Grandchild. They sing, dance, cuddle & play and they even have their own little song. She misses her if she doesn't see her for a couple of days! I'd be having serious words with your disgusting parents. Sorry but they're the only words I can find.....AngryEnvySad

RestlessTraveller · 17/02/2017 12:16

I have a friend who is ( a young grandmother of two). She has absolutely no desire to be a hands-on grand parent. She has money and doesn't work but has a very full life of interests, hobbies and travel. She loves her grandchildren but does not provide any daycare for them and has no desire to take them out for days or spend prolonged periods of time with children that aren't her own. Why should she?

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