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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu, row with mum regarding dd with sn being removed "for the sake of others"

145 replies

UserReuser · 15/02/2017 11:46

Dd is autistic, BUT loves ballet. Quite obsessed with watching it on you tube, mirrors dance very well, actually looks rather good. If you put on classic FM she will dance beautifully in time and with real expression and variety.

DS goes to ballet and DD has been amazed and wanted to, so I take her now. Obviously she doesn't follow a lot, but she loves it despite the struggle and is quite desperate to get out the door to it (otherwise hates leaving the house at all).

She is generally mute and doesn't touch others so I'd not seen an issue. Teacher is pretty decent. Basically when they all get up to dance dd joins in, can get a tad confused but smiles a lot. When they sit dd stays at a distance twirling etc. There were meltdowns early on but now she is content mostly and even goes in alone. Teacher leaves her to it it really.

My mum has had to take her for a few weeks due to appointments I have, I've been a bit upset to hear mum takes her out once she is unfocused. So at least missing two thirds. She says it's not fair on others, dd giggles or vocalises quietly at times but generally it's just movement when they should be still. Dd has made massive massive progress to join in to the extent she does and I feel she is now withdrawing again. We've been asked to leave other local activities due to her behaviour (ballet she is calmer). Dd is generally being hard work right now and I don't think she's liked being taken out and is kicking back

Other parents haven't said anything, they generally smile at us and don't glare daggers or anything! The teacher is chilled, I'd guess she knows someone with asd as she's so good, feedbacks if she makes eye contact or follloes an instruction quite pleasantly though we've never had a proper chat. Some children do need extra refocusing when dd is there due to her movement and ways, though this is just mild verbal reminders. They are pretty young so nothing unusual I would have thought. One finds it a bit more difficult not to watch dd, but still joins in ( and would possibly be distracted by anything at all)

Mum is good with her generally, but we've just had quite a row over this. Mum feels over parents are paying and playgroup is better, I think she's both making progress she doesn't make elsewhere plus she loves it so why not indulge her. Mum reckons I am not aware enough, I reckon I may as well take her until the level tops out or she doesn't enjoy it.

As it's aibu

  • she doesn't touch others
-she doesn't generally talk at all -her movements can be quite silly, but largely it's dancing quietly

So, what do others do? Would you care as much as my mum reckons?

OP posts:
mummytime · 16/02/2017 09:15

I think although your mother is "good" with your DD, she is embarrassed by the "oddness". Which is something I understand but I think as adults we need to suck up and get over.
I do think talking to the teacher - can you phone her for a quick chat? could help. Start by praising her for how good she has been with your DD (by not talking to her/focussing on her too much). And then ask if she likes your mother removing her from the class. Maybe you can get her to talk to your mother? Someone else reinforcing the message you are trying to get across can help.
As another paying parent, if this was a Ballet class focussing on exams then I might wonder as a parent if someone off focus was disrupting it, but if it is a traditional "starting ballet" type class then it wouldn't bother me, as long as it wasn't disrupting what my child got out of it (and even then I'd have a lot of flexibility).

LouKout · 16/02/2017 09:18

Its wonderful if small children are exposed to others with different needs.

Theres still a huge culture in this country if excluding those who dont meet social norms and the only way that will change is through acceptance. Plus she enjoys it and is doing noone any harm.

RandomMess · 16/02/2017 09:27

I'm sure the ballet teacher would say something if she felt your DDs behaviour was unfairly disruptive to the class, she hasn't so carry on!

I am really shocked at level of criticism on some of these posts Confused feel like they are reading a completely different description of the behaviour going on.

fairweathercyclist · 16/02/2017 09:39

I have no doubt that the parents would complaining to the teacher if they thought your DD was disrupting things for their kids.

If your DD is happy, and the teacher has not said anything, i would not worry. The only thing that would concern me is that your mum might say something to the teacher and open up a discussion that wasn't going to happen, if you see what I mean? I think you need to be clear that she is not to raise anything with the teacher without telling you first.

JanuaryMoods · 16/02/2017 10:02

Brace yourself for being banned from school premises.

BabySnores · 16/02/2017 10:14

Yanbu. Your dd enjoys classes, she's not disrupting or the teacher would say and you are paying for the classes.

If you hadn't been paying (I've seen some parents cheekily slip a sibling in under the guise that they are just copying not been taught) then I'd understand your mum being embarrasses, at cheekiness though not sen.

It sounds like there's issues there with your mum anyway which is sad. It's good that someone else supportive is happy to take your dc.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/02/2017 10:34

UserReuser Hopefully you're now more confident that the vast majority of people think you should just leave her there and try to get someone other than your Mum to take her. Hopefully this other Mum can do it as often as you need, & if not, maybe another one can help you out.

I hope the reason for your hospital appointments is soon sorted too 💐

Staying away from the thread now is probably a good idea...it's about the time they take a turn towards 'completely irrelevant questions to the OP & batshit comments by randoms' 🤣

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/02/2017 10:35

JanuaryMoods

A perfect example of the 'batshit' comments...

BertrandRussell · 16/02/2017 10:42

I suspect January might have posted on the wrong thread....... there's one running elsewhere about a woman taking her dog into the playground! Grin

Sad you're seeing batshit comments on here though. I thought it was all pretty reasonable, except the "are you paying?" comments which I didn't understand.

GoesDownLikeACupOfColdSick · 16/02/2017 10:48

OP, just wanted to say that I think you sound amazing and that it's brilliant that your DD loves dancing so much.

i won't comment on your DM, save to say YANBU, because that's been done well upthread and I agree, but just wanted to add that a friend of mine has a little girl with downs syndrome* who goes to ballet with her older sister and joins in, and she had a similar discussion with her MIL at first. it became very clear to MIL that she was wrong - not only did nobody mind, but in fact the other girls really enjoyed having her there. I think kids today are much more used to seeing people with all sorts of different traits or needs than our parents' generation are/were, and that has to be a good thing.

  • (it's a rare condition so I've said downs to anonymise; it does have some similar traits)
Shockers · 16/02/2017 12:54

Sorry OP. I was one of the posters who asked whether your DD was actually an official paid up member of the class.

It wasn't clear to me whether she just joined in at the periphery, with the unspoken approval of the teacher, or whether she was actually part of the class.

Some of my confusion arose because you hadn't spoken to the teacher about your DD's sn. Also, you hadn't answered anyone who asked.

Apologies. In that case, your mum is projecting her own discomfort and your DD should absolutely carry on going to the class!

JanuaryMoods · 16/02/2017 15:07

I suspect January might have posted on the wrong thread

Blush Blush Blush Blush

So sorry, OP.

Blush Blush Blush

UserReuser · 16/02/2017 16:01

Made me laugh January, did think "woah".

Shockers, no worries. DS is in an older class and has attended for a few years.

I actually thought the real batshit was the coach who'd get angry to see sn. I'm a teacher and I can say I'd have a strong urge to talk to parents, but proper angry seems... loopy. Luckily should my dd act like the coach imagined in the situation the coach imagined I reckon the teacher would be a little more sane and just say "can we have a chat?". Some people go way overboard, by the time they've imagined every bizarre and unlikely scenario imagined a result of a totally different sn to the one they are looking at they effectively have said no. Kind of, oh if I could remove all the equipment and have a free extra teacher and you'd provide staff training etc your dd can attend.... I remember looking at nurseries, 2 were like like this. Wanted paperwork, chats, training and acted like aliens had descended on them. I remember one the teacher blanked me completely and I could only talk to the sn teacher (who wasn't nursery based) and dd was barred from morning sessions completely due to their belief it was wrong for her (she couldn't attend the pm sessions due to them clashing with school pick up) despite them having space. I sent her to a preschool with common sense who smiled at her and were lovely, she thrived there and was treated like everyone else. Funnily... she learnt to do a bit better joining in when she was included.

OP posts:
Claire3346 · 16/02/2017 16:18

Omg op test is absolutely crazy! I've never heard such thing. That is awful grown adults should not better or educate them self further especially when working with children.
What part of the country are you from op?
I've never heard of so much discrimination and stupidity from.

Claire3346 · 16/02/2017 16:19

Should educated themself's bettet*

Atenco · 17/02/2017 02:16

I'm sorry you and your dd have had to deal with so much narrow-mindedness, but I love the vision in my head of your dd's enjoyment of the ballet class.
I think you are quite right not to ask the teacher if she/he has a problem with her.

The only thing would be if you the teacher is really on side, she/he might be able to talk to your mum.

ExPatchwork · 17/02/2017 06:52

How does your mum know that she's not focused? At our dance school parents aren't allowed in the studio so we wouldn't be able to fetch a child out without the teacher coming out and asking us to. Can you tell your mum that the teacher has complained that she (your mum, not DD) is disrupting the class?

youarenotkiddingme · 17/02/2017 07:03

It's not your mums place to decide. The dance teacher has included her and is happy to have her. The only time I'd say any adult that isn't teaching should step in is if she becomes a danger to others. But I'd expect any parent of a pew school aged child to be mindful of that - they can all have their moments!

My ds has asd. She goes to a swimming club. There's bits of it he struggles with but they'd never dream of removing him and know if they feel it's too much to ask me and I'll take him home. He's also actually really improved and nearly popped the other day when asked to demonstrate freestyle. It takes him longer to get it but when he does he's pretty accurate!

clarrylove · 17/02/2017 07:08

I would be interested to hear how the teacher reacts when your mum takes your DD out. If she were fully supportive of her staying, I would've imagined she would have spoken to your mum there and then and said 'oh no, there is no need to take her out, she's not distracting anyone' or something like that. If she hasn't, it makes me wonder whether they are treating your mum different to you IYSWIM and agree that she should be taken out at those points.

Laralion · 17/02/2017 07:19

Well I can see both sides but I'm more inclined to say yanbu.

Yes it's distracting but where are children with sn supposed to go? It doesn't seem very inclusive to exclude someone for something that they can't help.

I think it's actually positive for the other children, they might go home and ask questions and it gives a good talking point.

We had a girl with autism at swimming lessons (her mum told me), her behaviour could be distracting and ds soon asked why that girl does that. I explained as best I could and that was that.

I suppose the exception would be if she was causing a danger to anyone which it doesn't sound like she is.

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